Monthly Archives: July 2017

because the Cubs are angels on earth, they gave Bartman a ring

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im not good at forgiving people

im very good at holding a grudge.

my thing is if you got on my shit list you probably got there for more than one reason.

and because im half Scorpio im not gonna give you a 100th chance to hurt me again.

and because im mostly Libra there arent very many places where you can hurt me. so if you hurt me im actually a little surprised that you found that place.

and if you got on the shit list you found that place and despite several warnings you kept at it. either you betrayed my trust or you abandoned me or you massively pissed me off.

Steve Bartman ruined the Cubs’ chance to get into the World Series.

and when he did he was pelted with beers and dogs and garbage and run out of the city of Chicago.

he is still in hiding.

he doesnt give interviews or write a blog or even send out homing pigeons. he sits in his basement with his new name and new family and tries not to get murdered by a Cub fan with anger issues.

up until November Steve Bartman was on my Shit List Short List. like that little girl in Game of Thrones his name was close to my heart and if i ever crossed paths with him I would not let him forget the one thing that i knew he hadnt forgotten and im sure i woulda felt sad about it because my heart is filled with love, not hate.

but hate sure has a few bedrooms in the building.

but today the Cubs gave Bartman a ring. They put his name on it. And somehow the message reached to him and he messaged back.

he said he was not worthy of the ring but he appreciated it and it represented the way people should treat each other.

somehow Bartman had a great ticket for a playoff game. i believe he was a Cub fan. i believe he got caught up in the moment and made a mistake.

i believe it was the worst mistake he’d ever made.

i have made a few mistakes. one of them i asked forgiveness for and i was granted forgiveness.

but because i STILL feel so bad about it, i don’t even believe that i was really forgiven.

in fact i think it will keep me from entering Heaven.

i used my superpowers for selfish reasons. and then i hurt someone very very sweet.

that action has changed me.

i am not as full of love as i once was.

i am more guarded because in some ways i dont even trust myself any more because i dont ever want to hurt anyone like that again.

id love to blame the xbi but this was all me.

i fucked up.

i am so sorry.

i will forever be sorry.

im sure Bartman will also be forever sorry.

but now he has a ring, from the Cubs, that says, it’s ok bro. move on. get on with your life.

and for the Cubs to do that is just another reason i love them so much.

i invite you to let the spirit of Prince ease out of you today

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the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

which we foolishly chug down from thirst

and then, voila, the truth comes out.

the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

at my heart i am a Christian minister.

because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

and let it come out in tiny ways.

indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son

AND

holy spirit.

and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

about their souls

and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

it moves

and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

that funkiness defies science

because that funkiness

is funk.

the thing the fearful fear.

but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

or slide into a spreadsheet.

or pin onto a wall.

and its essence, in modern day human form,

was Prince.

so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

how are you gonna be funky today babies

and what color cape will you wear?

and they let me go.

she said come over here, i was all where

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she

said under here

i said underwear

we were in the south of france in the rain on a farm

in a barn

outside the kids were playing in the pool

little mint sprouts growing all around the edges

i guess theres no chlorine in the pool to kill em

maybe they aint got chlorine in france i thought

poor french

we gave em mcdonalds, spaghetti-o’s, 3D movies, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but somehow chlorine – which sounds french – didnt make it on the boat.

it was 20 years ago.

even then i felt old.

thats the funny thing about life, you’re never really where you wanna be in life

or the age you think you should be

or in the car you think you should drive

but for that week all was right.

all was perfect.

for that week the cows were the right ones

the wine, the friends, the girl, the hair, and even though we were poor

we all got on planes and jetted over seas in the summer to party hearty.

because maybe all the time

everythings more perfect than we think.

sometimes you should just sit right there

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i never learned to rap

or breakdance

or sing in a way that makes the young girls cry.

but i have learned how to deal with uber passengers who cancel.

yesterday i was doing so well. first ride went from here to there.

next ride went there to here.

and then i cruised up wilshire from the beach past OJ’s to Bundy when ping!

it was an Uber Select ride, my favorite so i did a U-turn and waited and she canceled.

i was a little mad because there i was, clean car, vacuumed rugs, Sinatra on the stereo.

so i looked to see if i was there long enough to get the $5 cancelation fee.

no.

but when i checked i saw that she was gonna be going to Atwater Village. which is a great ride for me.

so i looped around again because maybe she needed to take a quick leak or smoke a bowl or take out the trash

and in 5-10 minutes she would make my day.

well, friends, she came out of that door 1 minute later and said are you my uber?

i said sure am.

she said can you cancel this guy then?

i said no but you can if you want.

and she did and she hired me and we drove and $60 later i was 10 minutes from my home and i laughed and laughed and laughed

but i still regret not learning how to spin on my head.

saw a good movie: ‘From The Land Of The Moon’

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first the plan was dunkirk but dunkirk was sold out, so we didnt see nothin

next day amber’s all, lets see ‘From The Land Of The Moon’

marion cotillard. free at the academy sunday afternoon.

but for some reason i wanted to see dunkirk even though it was getting mixed reviews.

problem is im cheap and the ONLY way anyone was recommending seeing dunkirk was in IMax 70MM

high on cocaine 3D where the chairs move and every 20 minutes ushers douse you with ketchup.

half hour before the cotillard’s french flick started amber goes,

lets see if we can get to the academy in time and if we do then great.

we got there 5 minutes late but still went in.

sucked me in immediately because shes crazy and who doesnt love crazy french women.

very french, very romantico in a Bell Jar way if the dude in the Bell Jar was a handsome man from Spain

super glad i saw it because these are the types of films i used to see with Michele and i miss that.

also glad because it was good and we should champion good movies.

not just spectacles.

and i guess that i just dont know

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everything went backwards yesterday

and i flow by the go for the most part

if the movie that youre in starts playing different tunes,

i’ll see you on the dark side of the

omg i left my phone in the uber

what do we do?

well i am at my office

but theres a zillion people trying to get into Dunkirk

line around the corner with 5 minutes to go till the screening

hey lets go in through the garage

hey lets take the elevator up up up

hey can we get out where the cinema is

nah, thats bad karma

but you dont believe in karma do you Christian

nah but i believe in – yeah i guess i believe in that too

hey you work on that floor

hey is that your computer

hey is that your receipt from the ride

hey is this uber, i lost my phone

hey the drver will be where you be in 15 minutes just enough time for you to take a leak kiss a girl and step outside

hey dude thanks for coming back heres $20 can you drive us to DTLA

hey lets get a margarita before we go in

hey lets see the hotel you wanna transfer to

hey lets have a taco

hey lets not see that movie

hey lets go in that alley and get groovy

hey lets get lost

hey lets walk and walk and walk

hey

oh

hey

ooooooh

you are loved you are loved you are really really loved

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hot babes in LA are like fancy cars. everywhere.

i dont think ive ever seen an ugly girl here.

not one.

had this slick young black dude from manhattan in the back.

he was, “i did NOT see a bentley convertible just pass two Maybachs on the same block.

i was all this is beverly hills. that doesnt happen here it doesnt happen.

word.

pretty girl with a dimple and light eyes says look at that im gonna be on time

we were going from venice to restaurant row, across town.

she said 30 minute ride? im normally late.

i asked her her star sign.

she said aquarius.

i said, interesting thing about aquarius is after they complete a big task

like host a baby shower or do a big report or something

they feel empty.

because they are the water bearers and their giant pot is now gone.

i said, does that ring true to you?

she said no.

i said good astrology’s for the birds

we were headed to the most expensive sushi joint in all of LA

i said im jealous of you

she said im jealous of me

i asked where she went to college. i dont know why. but i always do.

maybe because i just wanna talk about ucsb.

everyone smiles when you mention it.

she said usc. i said omg did you hear about your medical dean?

she was all scandal!

we bonded beautifully then sighed

i miss college, she

me too, me

sometimes i think of all the books i should have read there

i said, i still got so many of mine, still unread

she said i dont think ive ever finished a book

ever

i said why do you think thats the case?

she said, maybe because i feel sad after i finish things

and then winked at me when she caught me looking

from the beginning they said he had ties to russia

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even during the run up to the election

he even spoke into the camera and said hey russia

and winked

he is under investigation

his former national security advisor had to be resigned/fired because of the russians

no one believes he could have won without them

and what about that pee tape?

then we find out that after the extra long G20 meeting

they had a super secret special meeting

with just trump, putin and a translator

the perfect time for the two to scheme

hand over the nuclear codes

and give our sworn enemy all the secrets that could fit in trumps weird little head

they said obama would be dangerous. they said hillary would be dangerous. whats more dangerous than this dude working without any help up against two russians

alone

while clearly owing the russians a favor.

what have we done

theres fires in santa barbara right now

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those hills never stood a chance

it never rains enough

its always so sunny

rays from around the universe come to santa barbara all year round

a sunshine convention

everyones got name tags

they get a little too drunk right around last call

then the magnifying glasses come out

and before you know it those light green and yellow hills

poof.

i used to want to put irrigation up in the malibu mountains but

everyone says sometimes aint nothing you can do except let nature do its thing

let all the conventioneers sing

let their voices flitter up to where they came from

let their badges curl up

and wither into the never.

forever.