the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

which we foolishly chug down from thirst

and then, voila, the truth comes out.

the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

at my heart i am a Christian minister.

because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

and let it come out in tiny ways.

indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son

AND

holy spirit.

and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

about their souls

and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

it moves

and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

that funkiness defies science

because that funkiness

is funk.

the thing the fearful fear.

but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

or slide into a spreadsheet.

or pin onto a wall.

and its essence, in modern day human form,

was Prince.

so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

how are you gonna be funky today babies

and what color cape will you wear?

and they let me go.