something that you wouldnt probably believe is i am extremely shy

i know i know i know that in real life you might see me out with this one or that one

but if you notice carefully i dont go to parties, i am never out dancing, i dont wear fancy clothes, i dont go to bars,

and the only time i throw parties is when i ran LAist some 10 years ago.

if i won that $420 million lottery jackpot i would be totally content in a nice warm log cabin in the middle of Oregon instead of a penthouse in NYC

i love people, but the reason i do Uber and put on this outward persona is because i know i need to work at it. i want to get over it.

because not-so deep down i know i would be America’s happiest hermit if i could be.

the other day Amber had two days off in a row and i was all what did you do

and she said NOTHING! and she seemed like she was saying it like she was a loser or something and i was all, baby no way. not leaving the house is one of my favorite activities.

im glad i was thrown into door to door sales as a kid via Cubs Scouts and Marching Band, im glad i worked at a record store as a teen, and im glad i got to sell on commission while getting through junior college because all of those experiences helped me quiet the voice in my brain that was constantly saying things like

omg youre weird, see how different you are from everyone, how are you gonna relate to this person, cant you see this couple hates you, why are you even talking!

i always did poorly in school so that didnt help the voices. i didn’t have much luck with girls until college which also didn’t help. and in truth i AM different than your average person

which UCSB namely the College of Creative Studies and the world famous Daily Nexus helped me see was a pro not a con. but the old voice in the head has a way of adapting and thinking up new crud to bombard you with.

but to me the best way to silence the haters is to jump head first into whatever that fear is.

feel like you wont be accepted by people: talk to as many people as you can, challenge WHY you need to be accepted so badly, and finally stop making everything about yourself and start helping others on their paths.

i still play the lotteries every week and if i won i would probably buy a big house in the middle of nowhere and do some traveling, but deep down all i want is a nice water bed, a few cold cokes in the fridge and a giant tv with incredible sound.