it was 5am. i was trying to get the Oscar noms on my tv. i use Roku on my sets and i figured the Academy via YouTube would bring it to my biggest screen in the living room.

when in the window behind the tv i see this dude with a cigarette peering through. my cats noticed too and perked up. even they havent seen people in my little courtyard at that hour… looking in to us.

he went to the door and you could hear a key or something in the lock. was he trying to pick it? then the door handle rattle.

i perked up. i said,

yo this is not the door you want.

it rattled again. i said.

i WILL BLOW THAT FUCKING DOOR DOWN BEFORE I LET YOU IN

dude logic. i was improvising.

he kept fiddling with it and i got my baseball bat and called 911. heres why. only thing i have of value in my house is amber and a 5 pack of Old Style. if he’s outside the cops can get him. if he gets inside i want the cops to know the description of the one to bring to jail.

it took a suprisingly long time to explain to the operator what was happening. she asked all these detailed questions like weight. who am i, a circus freak on the midway? its dark and hes wearing a black leather jacket. he could have a six pack or a pony keg in there. i just hope he doesnt have a gun.

then it took a suprsingly long time for the cops to come. half the oscar noms were announced. spike lee was probably already picking out which sneakers he was gonna be wearing for oscar sunday.

when they did come they crossed paths with him but because he was carrying a guitar case and mumbling that he was waiting to get an uber they let him pass by.

they got to my door and i said, thats him.

they looked at me as if to say, waiting on an uber is the get out of jail free card.

i asked, is it against the law to try to break into a house? cop said yeah. but no one was arrested.

and now ive gotta see a melissa mccarthy movie where she isnt trying to make me laugh?

my neighbor texted me today saying he owes me a steak because the drunk was his friend i said make it two steaks i nearly killed him.

he said bet.