on monday i was going to post this thing on facebook asking my friends to help me with leads on getting a new gig.

which is slightly embarrassing because as men we are trained to be super heroes and incredible and handsome and muscular and millionaires and strong — so strong that we never need to ask help. if anything we should be the ones that others call for help.

it reminded me of that elvis costello line from king of americas battered old bird

Well here`s a boy if ever there was
Who`s going to do big things
That`s what they all say
and that`s how the trouble begins

but then notre dame caught fire and i was like, nah i’ll post it on tuesday.

wrote it, posted it and people started calling me and writing me and instant messaging and DMs and even emails

it was nice. even got some strong leads.

two separate people had lunch with me and i have one more scheduled.

also this sweet person at a university wants me to talk to her class.

also four people sent me a job posting that Talking Heads frontman David Byrne is looking for a social person.

meanwhile i sent off some Big Ideas to two people who i would love to work with because fuck it, if i’m going to work for someone why not actually do the dream job that’s in my head instead of trying to fit into someone else’s dream?

i know it’s hard to believe, but i don’t feel comfortable with this attention.

people think that because i have a big personality in the real world that it’s because im starving for attention or i like to be in the spotlight or i want to have all eyez on me. it’s not the case. i just don’t like to flinch from a challenge.

ive been in my apartment for 8 months straight now. most of that was working on a secret project out of the office and only a few times at the beginning did i go interview people face to face.

sure im social, but im equal parts anti social. not because i dont love people (i totally do) but i also love pajamas.

the world works in mysterious ways because had this happened to me a few years ago i would be driving uber day and night. back then the driver made 80% of the fare and often, if you know how to work it, there were all these bonuses and you could capitalize on surge prices and… it was good. today its not good. today there are reports of drivers at Coachella, which is a good place to be driving each year, who are making $6 on a trip that the passenger paid $45 for.

the huge problem with that is: it’s already hard to get tipped doing a ride. especially a 15 minute ride. but do you think someone is going to tip you after they paid $45 to go 5 miles?

so that’s out. also driving is dangerous. also gas is over $4 a gallon now. also ive done 5,000 trips, im good. i just want to focus on the next thing. problem is it’s gotta happen soon. and some people dont call back. and some dont answer when you send them the perfect resume.

so you’ve gotta keep good thoughts in your head and convince yourself that God is working it in such a way that even though you Think that this job is perfect that He knows looks can be deceiving and He’s waiting for the right door to open.

and so far things have worked out. the last time i was out of work i was sitting here for half a year. i was also losing my mind. and then the Academy job was forwarded to me. that turned out to be the longest job i’d ever had. i worked with some very cool people. a tweet went viral. i learned sooooo much about social media. but most importantly i regained my confidence, which had been lost because even though i succeeded at certain aspects of working at kpcc, it wasn’t stuff that was super easy to see on paper.

the best things i think i did at kpcc was hire some incredible reporters, a few who are still there. i also moderated some great panel discussions, including one with Fishbone and one about healthy soul food.

one of the brunches i had this week was with a very smart guy who afterwards wrote me and said “I do think you’re a bit modest for your level of experience, and that others will take the opportunity to put themselves ahead of you for the goodies.”

i still dont know what to do with that advice. especially after a different person implored me to be a high paid consultant.

sure it would be nice to have a house one day. but i have to brag to get there?

i suppose we all have to break through our comfort zones to make it to the next level but isn’t my resume good enough? can’t these people see who i am and what i can bring?

are people seriously choosing lesser people — to even interview with? it’s shocking how few interviews ive even received. and trust me, i am applying for jobs that im qualified for. is it ageism? is that even a thing? i dont think so. am i insane?

should i just drive uber and ruin my car for peanuts? should i don that charlie chaplin costume? im so confused.

next week we have to drive up to see amber’s dad who is sick and wants to draw up a will.

it puts things in perspective, thats for sure.