i dont.

I’ve got two good stories that’ll come out next week.

very happy with the ones I’ve done so far but these next two will be interesting because the first one is about something i dont know shit about and even the terms I had to google

the other one is something i know a little about and was nervous that the dude wouldn’t wanna talk but he answered every question and then some.

a professional would have the questions written out, maybe on note cards, with follow up questions ready to go.

me, for the first one i stood outside my place, pacing up and down my sidewalk with a robe on and pajamas underneath. outside because my phone likes to crap out on me about 10 minutes into the conversation and i was recording these interviews and i dont like to have two and three parts

the second one i did in the car as amber and i drove to Santa Monica because they’ve got a target there that always seems to have TP and/or paper towels.

doing these interviews you realize why U2 keeps making new music. they could just do greatest hits shows or relive classic albums. personally i think they should tour with an orchestra and a bunch of guest singers.

but things happen over time. you learn a few things about life. you learn a couple things about yourself. and now when you interview someone you do simple things like STFU,

or because youre older and they talk about one thing, you can segue easier into the next thing. that’s something i noticed when guys like Chuck Swirsky (Sr) or even Hacksaw Hamilton would interview jocks on the radio. as great as they were, as knowledgeable as they were, during their interviews it always seemed like they were reading from a list.

interviews should be conversations. Howard stern taught us that. they should go on for an hour. more if the person is really vibing. and you should have a list in your head and that’s where it should stay.

when i was in high school and i was about to call a girl, i would have a little list of 4-5 topics. but the girls who were the best could get you off that list right away. that’s how these interviews should be.

its weird that they’re not all good, but these are weird times

ambers obsessed with Italy and china and now Sweden because Sweden has decided not to go 100% and are still frolicking near the fjords and walking around without masks or gloves

breaks my heart because what wonderful people.

problem is, Denmark is doing it the way we are and they have the same percentage of deaths as Sweden so the Swedes are all, fuckit, we barely get sun, we’re going outside.

RIP

another person who had been doing it wrong a lot is beloved Dr. Drew

when i first moved to LA i was shocked when i discovered Love Lines late at night on KROQ

it was a sex advice show that mostly teens called in and talked about their sexual exploits and asked either health or psychological questions to the doc and a KROQ DJ, first it was Poorman then it was Ricky Rachman and then Adam Corrola

i was 17, straight outta the culdesac of the suburbs of IL. the mere fact that these kids my age even were having sex was wild to me, never mind that they were talking about threesomes and disease and all this stuff so causally that to me was super foreign

Drew was the voice of calm, fatherly, scientific advice.

i guess over the years his reputation has taken a beating and for the last few months he’s been saying that this would basically be the flu and while NYC wasn’t riding the subways, he proudly said he was.

note to the future: during this era, for some reason health safety was a partisan issue. for some reason Republicans felt that obeying the scientists was admitting some sort of weird defeat to the Dems who were quick to see how dangerous this is, and had several plans with how to deal with it.

Meanwhile the Republicans downplayed it and dismissed it, in part, because that’s how Trump was addressing it. On Friday for example, Trump read the statement that the CDC was recommending that people wear masks when they go outside, and then followed that by saying “but i wont wear a mask.”

Amber says he’s trying to be a Cool Dad, sitting backwards on a chair, reluctant to stop shaking hands with people.

Amber is losing her mind being trapped in this small apartment with me.

im not a normal person

*A RECAP OF THE LAST THREE WEEKS*

AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?

CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.

AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?

CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.

OHIO: Whoa… whoa… let’s not be hasty now. The president said that this whole coronavirus thing is a democratic hoax.

CALIFORNIA: He also said that windmills cause cancer. Shut down your state.

TEXAS: But the president said that we only have 15 cases and soon it’ll be zero.

CALIFORNIA: The president can’t count to fifteen. Nor even spell it. Shut down your state.

NEW JERSEY: Us too?

CALIFORNIA: Yes, you guys too. Just like when Christie shut down the bridge, but it’s your whole state.

FLORIDA: But what about all these kids here on spring break?? They spend a lot of money here!

CALIFORNIA: Those kids invented the tide pod challenge. Shut down your state.

LOUISIANA: But wait let’s have Mardi Gras first. It entertains people.

CALIFORNIA: It also kills them. Shut it down.

GEORGIA: Ok well how about we keep the state open for all of our mega churches? Maybe we can all pray really hard until the coronavirus just goes away!

CALIFORNIA: Which is working like a charm for mass shootings. Jesus told us to tell you to shut down your state.

OKLAHOMA: What about the tigers?

CALIFORNIA: What about a dentist. Shut it down.

WYOMING: Hold up, maybe we should go county by county like the president said.

CALIFORNIA: Stop acting like there are counties in Wyoming. There are no counties in Wyoming. Wyoming is a county. Shut it down.

PENNSYLVANIA: But big coal.

CALIFORNIA: But big death. Shut it.

WEST VIRGINIA: But we were the last state to get coronavirus!

CALIFORNIA: And don’t make us explain to you why that was. Shut it down.

NORTH CAROLINA: But the republican national convention is coming here!

CALIFORNIA: SHU… ok fine, do what you want.

(*cut&paste from the internets)