have i told you i have the greatest friends, i do

two of them are in the running for the nicest guy in the world olympics and they seem to never be off the clock.

got some good news today. some very good news.

it was scary to ask for what i want. it was scary to tell the truth after sorta being burned for it recently. but dance with who brung ya and as the man said, im here with three chords and the truth.

and apparently everythings ok. my sweet angel brought home cake yesterday because she and i were under the assumption that good news was gonna happen either yesterday or today because Christmas and everything, and when the bad news came she told me about the cake and that was sorta sadder than the news.

cuz now i gotta look at this cake.

but then today good news popped outta the sky and now im eating rocky road ice cream and black and white cake.

because as she pointed out, you are black and i am white.

i asked whats that strawberry doing on top?

she said thats the baby.

i said i will throw that strawberry to the dog next door.

she said NOT THE BABY!

i said that baby looks nothing like me!

she said it’s pockmarked and sweet.

i said im neither! begone you!

(but i am sweet.)

heres an uber story you might like

tomorrow im gonna do job #19 of my career… driving for Uber and Lyft.

i could write books about the 5,000 trips i took, the people i met, the stories they told and the things i learned about LA as we drove.

picked up a dude in DTLA at the old American Apparel factories, we headed west and passed Sam’s Hofbrau House.

guy asks, ever been in there?

nope, i said.

why not?

ah, strip clubs seem weird to me in your own town, i explained. i mean look at me. i turned to give him a nice glance at my profile. do i look like i need to go to a bar to hang out with hot babes?

we laughed as we passed by the Pińata District.

he continued, well that strip club is key to the great movie you might have heard of, Pulp Fiction.

oh yeah? I said. who doesn’t love Pulp Fiction.

yeah, he said, rumor has it Quentin was in there one night with some industry types. thinking about using it for one of his films. they got drunk. and when he got home he realized he didn’t have his wallet.

so he retraced his steps and told his assistant to call Sam’s.

so the assistant calls and says, hey do any of you remember seeing Quentin there last night?

whoever is on the other line says, don’t know who you’re talking about but even if i did we don’t divulge our guests. company policy.

the assistant said, fair enough. well he’s my boss and he thinks he left his wallet there.

bartender or whoever asks, can you describe the wallet?

assistant says, it’s very unique. it’s brown and says Bad Mother Fucker on it.

bartender laughs and says, yes we have it, but you need to ask him where he got it because we all want one just like it.

whats interesting about uber and lyft is it was such a fascinating side job and every night i learned something about this city, humanity, life, and myself. some nights i would get home, eat, take a leak and think, i just feel like it’s too dangerous to drive out there tonight. and i’d stay home.

other nights i’d drive until 4am.

soon im gonna pay off a car i never thought id own, a mercedes, and a lot of it was paid by driving people around.

but it was dangerous. my mom didn’t want me to do it. she never wanted me to do it. she was all, youre a grown man. you have a job, why are you doing this?

i said, ma, i love this just as much as being at the oscars. these people are just as interesting. the things i see are as good as any movie. people cry in that backseat, they laugh, they have fights on the phone. they pour their hearts out to me. they tell me stories that when i Google afterward appear nowhere on the web.

why should i read 100 year old novels when life is unfolding every day and night right here in real time?

poor woman, ive put her through so much.

soon im gonna buy her the biggest tv she’s ever seen.