there was a crazy man playing with himself on my block

for four-five hours he acted crazy and brought a ton of attention to me, my neighbors, and the rest of the people on the block

the nearby church has a pretty good security team and one of them brought their police dog over.

nothing scared this dude.

nothing got him to move away from the apartment building he seemed attracted to.

finally i just walked over to him and tried to be the peacemaker.

brother, this is the wrong block to do this at

he looked at me. handsomely.
his shirt wasnt off yet, but it would be.

i said you keep flinching around and that dog is going to eat you.


the cops are going to come and they are going to shoot you.

and i do not want another black man dying on this street.

the man said

i dont believe you.

i said

all you have to do is walk to the end of this block and you’ll be safe, this is hollywood, handsome dudes yanking off in the middle of the street simply means nature is healing

but they are going to shoot your or eat you here.

his reply?

not sure. it was in German.

which is super scary because he had been whispering in English as i was talking.

super hot chick came out of a nearby apartment. because we are all wearing masks all i could see was her magically brown eyes and batwing mascara

eventually id notice her super tight yoga pants.

within minutes we discovered that she was a White Sox fan and we could never get married, but we could at least be friends.

at some point she tried negotiating with the man but that just made him stick his hand


down his pants and get back to work.

people say he had been doing that for hours in between stabbing his fist at the wind

and smearing gooped up trash into a fence.

so i said, look if youre gonna talk to him im going to put together a care package

i went home, put socks, water, chips, and muffins in a Target bag.

i returned and said, here, take this, but eat it at the corner.

he said, im not going to eat your poison.

i said, the dog is going to eat you.

is that how you want to die?

he said im never going to die.

i said, in spirit, true

because im going to write about you.

what a day what a day what a day

had therapy today

we are getting along very well. i think we had to figure each other out.

she even said it was good.

we went into some deep ish. i asked her advice a few times. like four times.

i told her the paths i could take and i asked which one do you like

she said which one do you like?

i said i dont like none of them.

she asked which one would be the best for you?

i said, itd be best for me if i didnt do shit – im doing this to be cool to someone.

i have a feeling the things i say she doesnt expect.

right after that i met the most interesting man in the world.

i was in my pajama bottoms, still. and wearing an Obey shirt.

he is in his late 60s, British, and a semi famous musician.

he asked Obey? Who should you Obey? What does this mean?

I said, it’s a long story but

we teach what we most need to learn

later he walked me to his apartment and gave me an autographed prized possession.

had sushi with A’magine

we talked about forgiveness

she was all, im for it!

i was like, im against it!

she said wait what

i said im half scorpio, youre all scorpio — i thought this was a scorpio thing?

she said, nope it’s a dumb thing.

i said wait what

she said yeah let it go, you dont think i had a good reason to be pissed forever at some people?

the sushi joint we were at was actually really delicious and had beautiful outdoor dining on the sidewalk

dogs were lounging on the fake grass

my man david undercoffler strolled by and introduced us to his beautiful wife

it was a perfect night.

got all my steps in.

imma teach pets how to do selfies

good mood today

could be a great mood in one month. maybe less than one month.

the other day i picked up a modem/router at best buy and installed it.

am i a genius?


then i got one of my lights to obey my vocal commands and tomorrow i’ll figure out the others.

amber texted me very upset the other day

called me all these names

all while asking a favor of me.

it was not easy for her to be my girlfriend during the lockdown

it was incredibly emotional for both of us. and draining. and just sad.

i only want the best for her. i pray every day for her.

and im sorry i didnt have my shit together and a bigger place for us.

we were squished in a little place during the plague

poor. scared. no freedom.

there will be movies about this time period and they will be sad.

was getting the new burger king chicken sandwich

this was the Popeye’s killer — the big ass deep fried chicken breast between two buns

an attempt to compete against the actual king of chicken sandwiches

it failed

but BK might laugh all the way to the bank because $4.50 for a big breast of chicken is a ripoff.

while i was asking the dude to put extra mayo on it, i asked him if he can eat whatever he wants on his breaks

he said they’re allowed to eat whatever as long as they make it

so i guess BK realizes that every staff member’s time is valuable

so if youre gonna take a break from making money, you cant have two people affected.

last week i had the KFC competition and that was uninspired too, but at least it was KFC.

popeyes is still the best

if you look in between the cardboard cutouts of people

and if you look at the fountain in the middle and the mosaic to the right

you’ll see that where the Oscars had its chill zone tonight

is where i married bonnie and charlie nearly 20 years ago

the only wedding i’ve ever done

and the only wedding i’ll ever do.

much like how i’ll betcha the oscars will never

get filmed in a train station again.

also you gotta have music


the show.

not a half hour before it.

theres these dudes who park on my street

i dont like what they do.

they have a huge truck that wont fit if you try to park it on their block.

so there’s one spot on my block that it’ll fit.

on street cleaning day they magically figure out where to put it but the next day they camp out on my street

all creepy like

sitting in their car

drinking beer in the back seat

just waiting for whoever parked in that spot to come and take their vehicle away

then they bring the truck over and leave it there all week.

now why would that irritate me?

i only have one car.

we have plenty of parking on my block.

i am a generous man about so many things, why does this get under my skin?

today i saw the spot was open and i was so tempted to just drive my car over and park it there for a few days

maybe the rudest thing i could do

why would i even be tempted?

why is it in my head?

is that the devil?

gotta be.

the other day someone asked, are you up to something?

i said not usually, but in a very small way, yes.

and she said regarding one thing or more than one thing?

i said, multiple things.

she asked why

i said because i am part scorpio and by law this is the way it has to be, but trust me, i do not like it

i like it better when you are 100% up front

i agreed and said me too, but this blog is supposed to be a work of fiction, it is supposed to be the one free place where anything goes

where fact and baloney can hold hands and skip through a psychedelic forest of love lust and unicorn dust

and she said maybe you should have a blog where you keep it 100

i said thats my twitter and i lost 20 followers this week, but whatever.

i did so much today, a photo essay

my maid Connie hasn’t been over in a while because i was broke and amber did a great job when she was here, but now shes not, so i called Connie and tried to explain to her that amber was not here any more

but any time i would say that she was all, oh how is amber?

her english is better than my spanish but we agreed to disagree that amber still lived here

anyway Connie said she would be here at 10am so at 9 i woke up which was a miracle

i went to the bank, got money for her, put it in an envelope and left it for her on the coffee table

didn’t really know what i was gonna do. for some reason i thought she said she only had 2 hours to clean, so i figured id kill time and be back around 2pm to play it safe. if theres one thing that embarrassess me its watching someone else clean up my mess.

heres a man with no shoes sleeping in front of a literal shoe palace

so i headed to north hollywood and then van nuys because i wanted to get a smog check and the last time i did it on this side of the hill i got massively ripped off.

so driving through van nuys i saw this mexican guy who was straight outta central casting with the knit cap, the boots, jeans, and flannel. but what i loved the most was his super thick moustache. he looked like a character from Homies. i wanted to be friends but the fact he wasnt wearing a covid mask was a deal breaker.

hadn’t had a car wash in forever so as i passed this one it said $5 Wednesdays. i asked alexa what day it was (yes i have alexa in my car) and she said it’s humpday, negro. score!

totally forgot when i was in Hollywood getting to the freeway i saw how the City was cleaning up this huge homeless encampment.

smog check went great. super fast. tipped the guy a few bucks for a Coke. and then of course passed a sign for a smog check for 1/2 what i paid but you know what, his place was clean, fast, and im not even sure he tested anything. he just said, now heres a nice man with a clean car, i bet the car is in perfect shape. that’s worth an extra $20 and a Coke tip, right?

was hungry so i went past the Panorama Mall. i dont know what it is but ive been obsessed with tamales since Christmas and it never subsided because i didnt get any at Christmas and now im making up for lost time.

theres this spot where theres all these little tents of people selling things like tacos and hotdogs and ice cream and so i park and ask this guy selling ice cream if he knows if anyone is selling tamales and he said dude right next to you. didnt even notice the gigantic sign.

i paid $4 for a wet tamale last month, then $15 for a tamale meal a week later. this guy sold me two delicious tamales for $4 so i gave him a kiss on the cheek and tipped an extra buck.

ended up in an elevator with this dog named Yayo, which is the best name ever.

once i had my smog check i figured why not go to the DMV and get my registration a month early? then i thought, dude you have AAA, go to their nearest office and they’ll hook you up. and do you know what? thats exactly what they did. very little waiting. bing bang boom. they even gave me my sticker and new registration. then i said ok now can i get a lower rate on my insurance, im not driving much any more, and my car has over 100k miles, no way should i be paying big bucks.

and the dude said youre right and rewrote my thing.

btw  im eating one of those tamales right now while listening to Echo play me a crazy mix of Cure songs. which is italian for i love you tony.

wasn’t really hungry but saw that KFC had a new chicken sandwich for $4 to compete against the Popeyes sandwich so i pulled over and got one and it was good but not as huge as the Popeyes one. and this is why im fat.

drove home by 3 and as i got close to my stoop i saw that Connie was still in there getting every nook and cranny which is el salvadorian for omg amber isnt here, her clothes are gone, all of her girlie things in the bathroom are vamoosed omg tony youre a bachelor again, let me do the best job ive ever done. so i got back in my car and drove more.

might have picked up some indica at this shop off Ventura Blvd.

everyone loved my shirt.

funny story about those glasses.

theyre now in a toilet in target.

today a cop was found guilty for murdering a Black man

it’s hours later and people still can’t believe it

even though it was on video

even though his police chief said yep it was fucked

even though there were witnesses everywhere

even though this sort of thing never happens

it happened.

people say George Floyd didn’t get justice,

that real justice would be if he would have been able to have just been treated like a human

today a dead black man was treated like a human

that may not be justice,

but it’s progress.