Monthly Archives: May 2021

what did i do today? i plotted.

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i will go through patterns.

lethargy to the max.

and absolute hyperness.

the latter was beaten out of me when i moved to LA

but its still there

its why id drive all night for uber and lyft after working a full day at the academy

its why i used to post 3x a day and gave myself carpal tunnel

have i ever told you that amy collins cured me of that?

she gave me a book called its not carpel tunnel

i didnt read it, i rubbed the back of my hands on it and it went away.

have i told you ive had a good life?

do you know the people ive met?

do you know the people im gonna meet?

thats how i get out of this lethargy: go outside and talk to strangers

today i wrote a theme song for the podcast imma start

the month of gemini is when you should change gears

guess what month we’re in 🙂

was watching the cubs and they had joe buck doing the game

certain things i have zero tolerance, so i found the alternative audio and one was in spanish and the other was KMOX radio in st, louis.

they have an 81 year old play by play guy.

he was so bad. mumbling. reading. it was like he had no idea how to call the game.

and obviously he was there because he’d been doing it since black and white tvs.

i do not want to go down like that.

i saw a band once called pity fuck and i thought that was the greatest name

i wanna die the way i lived

high

had to write a tough email today

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followed by a tough text and then a tough phone call.

this is adulting, as the kids say.

sometimes you have to do the hard things, even if there are good possibilities.

even if the people are sincere and have good hearts.

if you know me you know that i have a few super powers.

one is i feel no pain.

another is if you introduce yourself to me, i will forget your name almost instantly.

but my favorite is i can see people’s hearts and i can tell if you are good or bad like right away.

because of that i usually look at peoples’ teeth when i talk because i don’t want to see the heart. i dont wanna know. i want to believe that everyones good.

what i have learned is more people are good than you’d think.

i had to say some hard truths today to a good person.

truths i wish someone else had said, but with super powers come responsibility.

what sucks about the email and text and long phone call is now i wont be able to see the pretty girl i was fixin to see.

the one who always seems to frown in her photos.

the one who has lots of guys lined up to turn that frown upside down.

but we all know who woulda done it better.

so now i am free to do whatever i want.

and what i want may surprise you.

which is

always

the

fucking

goal.

dear ufos who read this blog, hi

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im sorry i didnt believe in you.

i had enough problems.

i hope you are here to collect all the air pollution to bring back to your planets to use to cure diseases or something.

i hope you arent here to film us all and then laugh and laugh and laugh at your movie theaters

ok fine

if thats why youre here just dont call me anthony

i know thats the name you will see on all of my government-issued documents

but the only time anyone uses it it is bad news.

once the government thought i had impregnated a homeless lady and we had a kid.

when my lawyer asked me, just between you and me, did you do it?

i said, i always wear a condom

she said always?

i said i use condoms with people you know. dont you think i would use one with a homeless lady?

she said so you DID have sex with her!

i said i meant hypothetically.

last night i was talking with a lawyer on twitter and she said she didnt like lawyers

but i have had really good luck with them.

kim got me out of that one with the homeless lady

and at the Times i would talk with karleene almost every day to ask her about journalism law

the first amendment, slander, fair use,

everything.

not only is she super smart but it was a full blown education in there.

the other day i was looking through pictures and i thought

i have had like 5 college educations, on the clock, while getting paid.

almost every job ive held for about 4 years taught me so much.

and yet theres so much to learn.

i cant even habla espanol.

anyways, ufos, if theres one thing you should do while youre here its try some real mexican food.

tacos and burritos, sure, but figure out a way to get into a sit down family style mexican restaurant

with hot plates and flaming presentations

margaritas and mariachis.

warm chips.

good friends.

and spicy salsa.

you cant really go back to planet Zip and have someone ask,

oh you went to Earth? did you try a wet tamale and a cadillac marg?

and not have a good answer.

also try the mdma

 

you dont realize it when its happening

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but when we look back at 2020 and parts of 2021 we will say oh yeah it was terrible

and parts were super bad, dont let me pretend it wasnt

but other parts werent terrible, like the traffic was light

and people fucking ran if someone sneezed

crime was down, we clapped for hospital workers

shit was clean

everywhere.

but when i look back in the future will i even bring that stuff up

or will i say, the pressure was insane

i lost my job and had a hard time finding another one

unemployment was against me

beautiful amber and i split for a number of reasons

the cats got fleas

the cubs refused to re-sign their stars

and i didnt go to the movies or a rock show for over a year.

one silver lining:

my church got so good at doing church online.

 

i feel like im constantly fighting

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and i dont wanna fight.

heres what i wanna do.

i wanna wake up without an alarm. i wanna roll over and someone who loves me is there snoozing away.

i wanna cook her breakfast and then feed the cats.

then i wanna go outside and get the paper and spit in the street.

i want the security guard to say xyz pdq

i want the birds to say its noon and your plant based bacon is burning

i want the weed man to say you didnt order this but we love you, here

i want the mailman to say yours is my favorite block and here are those things you forgot you ordered.

i wanna hear the most beautiful music wafting from a half cracked window up the block

i want the sun to shine on my bald head and say hi tony hi.

and when i get to the kitchen i want her to ask

dont you want some grits?

and then open her robe.

getting the exact reaction from the mailman youd expect.

so no, i dont wanna fight.

speaking of alien creatures, im trying to talk to this woman

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beautiful in every way.

only problem is she refuses to have a conversation with me.

but when she does it lasts for 3 minutes or less

yesterday it was less

then she will disappear for days.

but when she says things they are the nicest and most complimentary things ever.

yesterday she invited me to a baseball game at an incredible ball park in a few weeks

and when i returned the text to ask some questions

silencio.

not even sure if she read what i had written.

this has been going on for a very long time.

it’s like trying to have tea with a butterfly.

it’s like finding the greatest radio station that will let you hear one song

but usually only a half of it.

is that ghost band by rancid?

is that white dress by ldr?

was it all a dream?

because i have low self esteem sometimes i’ll think, did i ask the wrong question? did she take it the wrong way?

but now that i know theres aliens im thinking, is she a ufo

does she really wanna just anally probe me and see wtf humans are all about.

dear visitor to this planet: i am not wtf humans are all about.

im not even what hollywoodians are all about.

it’s 224am and even though ive brushed my teeth for the evening i realize ive only eaten half of the ding dong on my nightstand.

do not eat the ding dongs, ufos.

if you can help it dont eat anything in my apt

except for the tiny bananas the vons delivery chose for me

bc they hate me

like, who would ever want the smallest bananas?

lets hope she answers my question(s) tomorrow.

it’s like playing ping pong with a giant

gravity defying ball

and the equator

is the net

how do i have cats?

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every day i think they’re just going to put on their top hats, light a cigar

and say, well, it was fun old chap. see ya around.

how are they even alive?

how is anything alive?

today on 60 minutes they showed UFOs and former military dudes saying

yep for a while we would see them every day over the pacific ocean

how did one of those dudes not accidentally shoot a missile at it

miss, and take out a few blocks of Santa Monica?

life is so short and now i guess its shorter because intelligent life is among us

and too intelligent to get close enough to us

so we could kill them.

because lord knows thats the only thing we do well here

that and make good tik toks.

anyways we’re all gonna die

dont wait for the second date to make out.

Isla Vista in the News

car drives off the cliff on the 6800 block of DP + Isla Vista Boat Boys Clarify: “It was completely sailable”

i coulda been in a lot of places in the end of the ’80s

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i could have gone to UCLA, i coulda gone anywhere.

i could have gone to UCSB quicker but i woulda missed being in the dorms with the people who are still my friends to this day.

i dont wanna believe that God futzes with the gameplan.

i want to believe in Free Will

but it’s so hard for me to believe that i just luckily had to spend an extra year in junior college.

because that was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me.

what happened there was a domino effect to every cool person i would end up meeting for decades.

including meeting you.

will i see you tonight

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on a downtown train?

everythings free right now

you can literally ride around the city for a little while for no money down

it can be a bit smelly but you have to wear a mask anyways so.

i did laundry and listened to bob seger’s we’ve got tonight

very odd song when you listen to the lyrics.

not the most confident man trying to get laid.

sorta funny deep down but maybe thats why it connected to everyone.

then theres tom waits with his downtown train

i remember those days

schedule so precise youd often have train or bus buddies

people youd see all the time

and wondered what was going on with them IRL

one of the earliest busblog posts

19 1/2 years ago was about this girl id see every day in the subway.

shes probably so rich by now.