the one thing i always wanted to do with this blog

was to make it weird

very weird

unpredictable

freaky.

and for some reason i held back.

for some reason i was always wanting a job or something and i was nervous that someone would read this and be all, forget that guy, he cray.

but i am cray.

youd have to be cray not to be these days

but to me the craziest thing to do is give a fuck

also, why are we giving

shouldnt our fucks have value?

pay for the fucks.

and since no ones paying

lets not give.

happy 20th birthday, busblog

everything good that has happened to me over the last twenty years was because of this blog

so for that i want to thank ev and the team at blogger, and then google

i want to thank the terrible conditions i was under at E! which inspired me to blog and not give a shit if i got fired

and i want to thank all of the people who have read and commented on here. it was all energy that kept this thing rolling.

one of the things they teach you when youre a poetry major is walt whitman and his famous collection of poems, “leaves of grass”

i couldnt understand at first why he would write a book of a dozen poems and keep fiddling with it year after year, finally winding up with 400 poems in his Deathbed Edition.

this blog started with a stutter. i had a perfectly good website so i created this blog to advertise what i was doing on it.

once i learned what a blog “should be” and could be, i cut down on my photo essays.

although 20 years later, it is interesting how Dear Kids of Afghanistan, a photo essay i did soon after 9/11, sadly still relevant. it became the first thing of mine to go viral.

it’s always the dark ones.

even though i have added to this blog from different countries, hotel rooms, and boudoirs, the bulkload of it has been written in the same hollywood bachelor pad ive inhabited for those entire 20 years.

so thank you ken layne for moving out in 2001 so i could move in here.

and thank you Geena Davis, the old tenant in apartment 8 who rented me this great place for below market rate even though i didnt have my job at E! yet

i had bad credit, and i couldnt even afford a car.

thus i rode the bus.

i drive a mercedes benz now,

thanks to this blog.

lets see what podcasting does for me now.

today is charles bukowski’s birthday, hes 101

i went away for 5 days and when i did i took two books. one was a bukowski book.

number of books i even opened: 0

maybe i should just sell all my books because seriously, who am i kidding?

i am feeling good today. for two reasons. i made some shrimp and scallops, rice, and very large broccoli

i may have undercooked the seafood and thats why im feeling buzzed and light headed.

if i die know that i loved every girl ive ever kissed and i felt lucky every time.

found a pic of an old gf the other day, standing nude in the rain.

how have i been blessed this much? me? was i really that funny? is that all it takes?

i ask these questions now because i have no prospects for any love in the future and that might be fine because i dont have any job prospects either.

will i die poor and heartbroken?

bukowski didnt and i feel i have as much to bring to the table as that guy.

for starters im not an alkie. not that theres anything wrong with that, but im not gonna get into fights and blow a ton of cash on $17 beers at the Rams games

but will i write a novel like Post Office?

probs not either.

so maybe i will die heartbroken

and poor.

fine.

 

im one of those people who feel lucky to go to shows

my first 13 concerts were

the jackson 5
ac/dc – back in black tour
the scorpions – love at first sting
the police -synchronicity
motley crüe – shout at the devil
billy idol – rebel yell
day on the green: journey, night ranger, triumph, eddie money, bryan adams
bruce springsteen – born in the usa
u2 -joshua tree
elvis costello – king of america
beastie boys – licensed to ill
iron maiden – live after death
miles davis – hollywood bowl

how did you think id turn out?

learning is such a beautiful natural high

this video means a lot to me

ive been learning video editing all summer and it’s coming together

this thing is flawed in so many ways but

BUT

flawed in the best way

because just a few months ago if you said tony you have five hours to make something cool

no way could i have made this

i am learning. i am making. i am being creative.

the tony who i love is in this.

the tony no bologna but full of macaroni is in this.

and i did it all night and fell asleep at 5am

and woke up at 10 so i could see it

and when i did and i laughed i coudlnt get back to sleep

because im getting there.

 

i gave up on worrying the other day

i realized we are all doomed

the world isnt gonna fix itself

and the politicians dont even care about covid so no way are they gonna care about global warming

has that realization made me happier?

has it made me more confident in the dance clubs when i ask young ladies onto the floor

to cut the proverbial rug?

i can say, no, no it hasnt

im the same old nobody i always was

with the courage of a flea

and the dance skills of

a flea

and the prospects of

well thats to be determined later

i did play the super dooper lottery today

so i got that going for me, which is nice

i will never be able to tell you

how grateful i am for this life

this crazy life ive had

for all the wonderful, weird, beautiful things ive gotten to see

incredible, exotic, fascinating girls ive gotten to kiss

and wild music ive gotten to hear

all of that

while also getting to watch

so much tv.

i am truly blessed and i want to spend the rest of my life

on hookers n blow

i mean… giving back.

sometimes things go better than you think they will

i feel like my podcast with Richard went beautifully

it was fun to catch up

it’s always nice to talk about both the LA Times and the Oscars

and Richard is one of those guys who knows both of them intimately.

i think our convo was enlightening to people who want to know what Hollywood insiders are like

and it doesnt hurt that he was brutally honest because after a while who really cares?

may as well keep it real.

also i like the portrait i took of him

i got a sudden boost of happiness

not sure why. and this happens several times a day most days.

i read about people who get swept by gloom regularly and i feel bad for them

nothings 100% positive. For example the screen i am typing this into shows my letters very very small and i have not figured out how to fix that. which makes me feel stupid.

do i have an inferiority complex? no. i know im not stupid. i may be very poor right now. i may be alone. i may be 20 pounds overweight and bald and without any decent job prospects that you would expect a college grad to have, especially one with the success i usually bring to my work place.

but i am not dumb. how do i know this?

i read twitter.

(wink)

lets go back to good feelings. its not a humble brag because theres nothing to brag about.

it is either the asprin i ate or the half of a bottle of warm Coke. maybe all of this is a sugar rush.

maybe i am happy because i am finally transcribing Mondays thing. which might be Sundays thing because i dont wanna wait until Monday.

some things are just luck, they just happen to you, like the time i went to a party and got dressed up and somehow kissed 7 beautiful girls. good kisses too.

that had nothing to do with me. it was luck. it was the angels saying, lets give tony something he will never forget. lets give him a taste of what Heavens like: sure you gotta wear a suit, but its just one pretty girl after another kissing you while good music plays.

i dont know much about heaven but i know this: the letters in the blogging screens up there are NORMAL SIZED

and theres rivers of cold Coke classic.

last night i spent a few hours making this

it taught me a few things:

i need some musical instruments in here.

i need to tear down a few walls in this apartment.

i need to do these things on every podcast i do.

i need to spend more time learning how to work this software.

i need a mouse.

i need love.

i need a vacation.

i need to do these earlier in the process.