for the second time this month uber did not offer me a weekend goal for a bonus so today i took long trips.
i nearly took one to ventura for $80 but what a commitment. what if you and the passenger(s) dont hit it off? most of the time i totally jibe with them but you dont wanna suffer like that for an hour if you don’t. mama mia.
little did i know i would do two, hour-long rides today.
one was with a prostitute who was going to charge the guy $900.
she had a mini panic attack when i picked her up at her place bc she was afraid i was going to drive off without her. i offered to go in my trunk to get her a bottle of water. she said no, im late, lets go.
i said, we found each other. you can relax now. you got the best uber driver in LA. all will be well.
we talked and talked. she was amped up and emotional. her stories were fantastic and sad.
halfway there she asked me to pull over at a liquor store if i didnt mind. typically i would have minded but she was really freaking out. she called me sweet for being cool about the impromptu stop and asked me if i wanted a Gatorade or anything.
sure, some m&ms.
when she got out i was able to get a good look at her. she looked like a typical college girl with tight jeans and a short leather jacket. not the uniform of what was about to happen. more like what a young lady would wear going with her best friend to a movie in a small town. nothing she wore said sexy.
when i saw her eyes it looked like she had been crying. she had very little makeup.
she pounded a mini bottle of vodka next to a light pole. put the empty on the curb and got back in and called her dude.
“remember i told you i get bad breath when i snort rails? so crazy.” she said to him, “do you have an extra tooth brush? i stopped off at the liquor store and got m&ms and totally forgot to get gum.”
because i turned down the radio so she could make the call, i could hear him. he was being really nice.
“oh yeah i understand. the same thing happens to me,” he said. “i have a spare tooth brush.”
i forget if i asked her or she told me.
jk i asked, “how much do you charge a guy like this?”
“$900,” she said with no hesitation. ”im a high priced bitch.”
do you ever worry the dude might be too rough on you?
“never. i have nails. i’ll scratch his eyes out and kick him in the nuts. i might seem like a softy but guess what, im a bitch.”
she did most of the talking as we traveled side streets across LA. she told me everything. too much. we even got into astrology. when she realized we were the same signs she asked me if i ever met a virgo with body dysmorphia.
i said in LA? doesn’t half this town have that?
do you? she asked?
i probably should but no. im glad i dont have rock hard abs. i want to know people like me for me.
i like you, she giggled. and told me about the love of her life who was obsessed with his body to the point he was spending hundreds on huge jars of wheat germ and nonsense at gnc and it turned him crazy which turned her crazy and he left her because he didn’t believe he deserved her.
when we got close to the spot she asked me to turn on the hip hop station on the FM radio. then she said, im not sure i want to do this.
i said, i can turn around if you want. i wont even charge you for the ride back bc its sorta near me.
she quickly called her bff who told her its gonna be ok.
he met us outside his swanky condo. he was tall, maybe in his 30s. seemed safe. she handed me a $20 and a $5.
you really are the best uber driver, she said.
and hour later she tipped me another $10.
never got those m&ms