i was in the valley. there is a famous porn star named Vina who lives in the Valley.

i accepted the trip.

$20 to take her from the hills of Encino to very close to Hollywood Forever cemetery. half hour, uber predicted. but i would need to get on the freeway, something i didnt wanna do because it was 4pm and that 101 can get gnarley over by the 134.

i thought about cancelling. i think about cancelling a lot. is this why ive never been married? commitment issues? i can’t even commit to a half hour ride with someone who might be using her xxx name for a lift to hollywood?

what would i even say to adult star vina?

“ever consider the radness of dating an uber driver?”

got there, a woman who was not the famous star was sitting on a short flight of stairs outside a small house like the one in Boogie Nights where Dirk Diggler and his pals wanted to rob the drug dealer.

her english wasn’t good so i turned up the classic rock station that was playing elton john.

but unlike most people with thick accents, she wanted to talk.

fine. even if i can barely understand you imma get your life story.

vina is from el salvador. housecleaner. fifties. two adult kids. she works for an agency that sends her around. during the pandemic her boss loved her work so much he kept paying her even though there was no work.

i pointed behind us as we weaved our way towards studio city, was that guy a doctor?

she said she didn’t know. rich, she admitted. he has another place over the hill. she cleans that one too.

$120 for 5 hours. but most of it is dusting. wiping down surfaces. folding laundry. he’s clean.

“why aren’t you married?” she asked, pointing at my ringless hand.

beginners luck

the hills going through the pass from universal and the bowl into hollywood were so green

how do you say green in spanish? is it verde?

si, she said, excited. so we kept playing that game.

earlier she had told me her rent was $1,700 a month.

how do you say 1,700 in spanish?

mil setecientos she said.

mill see un cent toss i struggled

mil setecientos she said again, but slower.

mill see un cent dose i blurted, then gave up. this is why i’ve never dated a mexican girl! i said.

how old are you? she asked straight up

56. Gen X.

Jan 8th? she asked, mishearing me. i’m jan 20, she said.

is that capricorn or aquarius? i asked as i noticed we were in traffic.

capricorn

ahhhh, that means you’re down-to-earth. Logical.

Law ju-co? she repeated poorly.

hey siri, how do you say Logical in Spanish?

ló-he-co, siri said in the perfect accent.

ahhhh ló-he-co, vina said. si. im law ju co.

i knew where the damn cemetery was so i ignored waze and drove at it the way i knew i should. i tried to tell her who Lana Del Rey was because I had seen her at that graveyard, but she didn’t understand me one bit.

so I played Young and Beautiful for her. didn’t work.

ever go into Hollywood Forever and check out the peacocks?

peacocks?

Siri, say peacocks in Spanish.

pavos reales

oooooo pavos reales. pee cocks. jajajaja

yeah it’s a funny word.

then she said, cacatúa. what’s that in english?

cockatiel?

yes. si. cockatiel.

she asked me if i liked the Bee Gees, so i asked if she likes Bad Bunny?

Si! she said excited. You know Bad Bunny?

I just know he stole my girlfriend Kendall Jenner.

vina laughed and said Bunny is conejito. Bad is malo. Conejito malo.

WAIT THAT TACO JOINT WAS CALLED BAD? I asked, referring to a now shut down mexican place on sunset many of my friends would meet at because their margaritas were so good, but youd never walk out of that place without spending $100 each somehow.

It was called Malo? she asked, extremely confused at the ironic way americans name some things.

I slithered through the streets of Hollywood beautifully.

Do you know Ozuna? she said.

Siri play Ozuna! I demanded and up popped a song I didn’t know but beneath it were other songs he was part of, including the party hit Taki Taki – which I quickly clicked and cheered I GUESS I KNOW OZUNA!

Taki taki.Taki taki. Rumba! she sang in the back seat.

when i dropped her off she said, i will always remember you when I hear Taki Taki.

Moi aussi Vina!