four

i had such a good day today driving the people around
my favorite may have been an asian woman from kazakhstan
with a russian accent and a scent
she said was arab
but the one i need to write
about told me about nearly dying off fentanyl
but luckily her bf
had 4 narcans

what i want doesnt exist

i want to pick you up at the airport
like i park in the overpriced parking lot over there
i go through security and meet you right at the gate when youre
coming out
no talking
smiles of course
dont care how you look
dont care how you smell
dont care if theres lipstick or b.o. or eyeliner
dont care if your shirt doesnt say busblog
in pink cursive
somehow youve got me pinned against the wall outside the cinnabon
people browsing in hudson news dont notice
cops in the cams do but
people are late. people are early
and you are pressed hard against me as a stewardess says
to the ticket agent
i can see her

today was a struggle but it worked out

the biggest struggle i have in my life is the blog post for my podcast

they can take forever.

the problem is i put all this pressure on myself because im the only Blog Editor the LA Times ever had and so my blog posts of my baby, Hurrrr in LA can’t suck

meanwhile no one cares about blogs and Medium puts up this fake paywall pop up that i despise bc i bet it turns people away

i cant wait to move to Substack, i just have one question i need answered. maybe i should do that tomorrow.

IN ORDER to make these blog posts not suck, i feel like i should have lots of pictures and tweets and for it to go on and on

no one cares about that either. people stop scrolling after a while.

diminishing returns.

but in my head i know what nugget they said in this segment and in that one and that one and i wanna highlight all of them, but at some point you have to stop.

today i stopped earlier than i would have but when i did i was able to do all the other things to publish an episode and it didnt go out until like 830pm

best of all when Maebe saw it she liked it.

not everyone agreed

sometimes guests tell me if they liked it, sometimes theyre shy to hear their own voice and never tell me. sometimes i have to write back and ask are you ok with everything? and they say yeah! sorry!!

in other news a beautiful woman said she had a sex dream about me

me?

and also we are now a week from the cats not shitting on something in the house.

not sure if the extra love or rainy weather has kept them in check but if they go another week i may open up some more doors in the house for them to explore.

it must be so weird never to go outside.

Any time you pick up someone from LAX with no luggage, you’re in for a treat.

This week I actually took a family of 5 from a grocery store in Inglewood to LAX, Turks claiming to be headed to Hawaii, and they had no luggage.
Dad sat in front, mom and the three 6 to 9 year old kids in the back. I was all, “I hear Turkey is mostly Muslim.”

“That’s right,” the dad said.
“Are you Muslim?” I asked, remembering that in polite company you shouldn’t talk about religion or politics, but I think there’s a polite way you can do it.
“Yes we are,” he said. They seemed poor. But outside of my Mercedes I probably seem poor. But thanks to you and all of my other friends, I have had the richest life.
“Tell me something about the Quran I probably don’t know,” I asked.
The kids were enthralled by me for some reason. Huge smiles. It could have been because when I asked them where they were flying to, and they told me Hawaii, I asked them to tell me the Turkish word for brother bc I want to be their brother.
Turns out there’s several words for brother, one being specifically older brother: abi.
I’m your abi now, kids, I told them and they laughed and hugged each other as they giggled.
“The virgin Mary has over 100 pages dedicated to her in the Quran,” the dad said.
WTF?! Why? I asked.
He said, “Muslims recognize Jesus as a very important figure because he was born as a miracle – no sex, no father, just a mother. But Mary gave birth while being a Virgin. That’s a bigger miracle.”
And now I’ve gotta read the Quran to see what those 100 pages are all about.
Which brings us to today’s luggage-less traveler. A gentleman named Petey from Miami, Oklahoma. “Not that Miami,” he stressed, very quietly. He was a very timid fellow.
We were headed to Hollywood Presbyterian hospital where Petey was going to do something that, quite frankly, I’m not sure he will succeed at.
9 months ago he knocked up a stripper who he had met two years previously. Prettiest girl in Miami, he beamed.
They met on Facebook because she was looking for someone who could drive her home after work.
Petey is about 30 years old and when I asked him what he did in Miami he told me he was a Box Boy at the supermarket. Normally he would get around 6am to go to work but once he met his lady, he would wake up at 3am to fetch her and drive her home.
Once there, she would do meth and he would try to score with her. Apparently he had a few lucky nights. But as soon as her parole (!) officer found out she was pregnant, he informed her that no court would grant her custody because she has a police record, strips, and has a raging meth addiction.
So she skipped town and landed in Hollywood. Blocks away from my apartment, it so happens.
“I love her but she’s crazy.” he whispered.
“No offence, Petey, but you’re a little crazy too,” I told him with the tone of an older brother, an abi, if you will.
“You flew out here with no change of clothes, you don’t even have a duffle bag or backpack.
And your plan is to somehow take a newborn child and, what, fly home with it by yourself? You’re gonna need a carseat just to get in the Uber.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “I did not plan this very well.” And then he told me that this would be his first child and he couldn’t sleep knowing that she surrounds herself with drug addicts, dealers, hookers, and pimps.
Just then his phone rang. It was the soon to be baby mama.
“I’m on the way,” he said. “This is so weird being here. I see the Hollywood sign. The driver showed me where Biggie was killed.”
They exchanged I love yous numerous times which confused me and he later explained it was the only way he figured she would sign the Declaration of Paternity and allow him to sign the Birth Certificate when the boy is born in a few days.
We drove by a giant billboard advertising condoms. I pointed. He laughed.
He told me his daddy was a pool shark and his momma was a thief. He didn’t want his son around either of them or anyone except for his actual girlfriend back home who was “a cougar” with three grown kids who cant wait to have an infant in her arms again.
“Fine fine fine, but how are you going to feed that baby on the airplane on your way home? Isn’t the baby momma going to get suspicious when you ask her to pump a dozen bottles of mothers milk into bottles? Also, how will you keep them warm? Also WTF Petey?!”
He told me he only has money for bus fare home, not airfare. And he was planning on getting formula at Walmart.
AINT NO WALMARTS ANYWHERE NEAR HOLLYWOOD PETEY! I said thinking, do I need to let him crash in my living room? Do I need to raise this baby?
Then I asked, “are you a Christian man?” He said he was.
So I said, lets pray. And I took off my Cubs cap at the stop light.
“Lord please help Petey figure out how to get his child to safety. He’s going to need your help. His heart is in the right place. And this looks like a job that he can’t do alone. So please guide him.”
“Amen,” Petey said and when we pulled up to the hospital, he got out, empty handed except for his Samsung phone, and said thank you.
$3.88 tip.

she made me do three things i hate

she made me wait
she added a stop in the middle of the ride
and we had to wait on a crowded street for her child to get out of school
but she was poor, Black and carrying a newborn so what was i gonna do, add to her struggle?
i dont even know how i got over there but i was way over there around 2pm
i know because when i arrived i texted her in the app saying “im on 68th street, not Fig. at the corner.”
and she texted back, “ok, but my son doesnt get out of school until 2:11.”
most days i would have canceled right then because wtf?
when you order rideshare, it tells you how far away the nearest car is and so if your child’s school is 5 minutes away and the app says a driver is 10 minutes away, well, don’t order the car too early.
it was not the best part of town. hookers. motels. even the palm trees looked like they had seen too much and needed a vacation.
so i didnt cancel. i waited and waved people around me.
with one minute to go on the 5 minute timer, she came out with a 6 month old in a car seat wrapped in a few baby blankets. it was unseasonably cold. my car was warm.
she was beautiful. but in an ll cool j ’round the way girl type. like the palm trees, she’d seen too much.
huge smile despite being overwhelmed.
she explained we were going to the school
“snatch up my son”
and come straight back to the apartment complex next to the mexican mini mart.
any time a request comes in that mentions an additional stop, i decline the trip. in a way its double the work for not double the pay, and it involves waiting.
i have been waiting my whole life for things, namely the cubs to win the world series, but now that’s been achieved, the end of my life approaches, so i wanna get everything in as fast as i can
i do not want to be looking at women in lingerie and bikinis parading up and down this south central street while i wait for this that and the other.
this woman was on 68th Place on the east side of south central and i realized decades ago i lived on 68th on the other side, in inglewood.
she said, “oh the wild side!”
“thats the wild side?” i asked in a shocked tone, “you got big booty bitches out here twerking in broad daylight trying to make it happen, and the Wood is the wild side?”
she laughed and laughed. then said, “i could be pushing a stroller down that street on a sunday morning and a truck will honk and ask how much. i gotta move.”
we got to the school and the pickup side street was packed full of cars and minivans. it was a narrow street to begin with, but now there were cars on both sides trying to creep close to the chain link fence where their clueless kids loligagged on the playground side ignoring the calls and honks from their parents
HECTOR, ANDELE!
ANGEL, GET OVER HERE GIRL
my passenger chimed in TOMMY! oh thats not Tommy. Where’s my child?
i saw a little opening closer to the gate and creeped the Benz between on car or pickup truck, inches from disaster.
a kid in his parents car – which was creeping towards us – hung out the back seat window and then knocked on the drivers window at his mom. he was bored. she was in a frenzy like the rest of us.
Tommy, who is in 1st grade, and adorable, finally appeared and sauntered over to the car. not a care in the world.
now i had to get through.
it was not easy. and it took a while.
a man in an old oldsmobile saw i only had an inch of clearance on either side of my doors, and waved me to him. i trusted him. he knew neither of us should have been in this mess. i followed his hand motions and when i made it through and cruised by him
we high fived.
in the back seat, Tommy said, “mommy i love you.”
i said, “what about me, Tommy, did you see i just got us through all that?”
“how does he know my name, mommy?” he asked quietly, but not quietly enough.
“oh i know everything about you. I know you have two girlfriends, a Mexican and a Sister…”
his mom said, “oh he doesn’t like Black girls.”
why not? i asked.
“they’re mean to him,” she said.
“and I know you love Roblox.” i said and he gasped.
lucky guess.
when we were nearly home the baby gurgled and then coughed loudly.
“damn. that was a grown person cough,” the mom said to the little girl. “we getting you home baby. i’ll heat up some nyquil.”
$2 tip.

because im perfect, people talk to me

actually i dont know why people talk to me, i ask lots of questions.

but sometimes people want their thoughts out there and so they manifest people like me with two turntables and a microphone and boom their tale is out there in the world.

believe it or not, this doesn’t always ring the right way with some people. those people get mad at me for not telling the story the way they would.

a few years ago i wrote about how the biggest church in my neighborhood was taking COVID more seriously than my own church, the Christian church. that article is now being brought up again.

as is normal, if someone tweets at me, i will do them the respect of tweeting back.

heres todays volley:

GenXLdy:

Okay, benefit of the doubt, you are out of touch as you don’t seem to know much about the human trafficking, child abusing, elder neglecting, fair gaming cult you live next door to. Lara – now there’s a story. Let’s see some real journalism.

me: 

I also live close to a Catholic Church. Should I write about mass child abuse, the hiding of priests, their belief that if a priest confesses a sin in the confessional then it’s all good?

I also live near hospitals that turn billions of dollars in profits while underpaying employees and overcharging patients. If I go into that hospital should I also frame each visit with all of their sins?

Here’s how I do things: when I meet someone, I let them talk. I let them show themselves. I have 115 episodes on hearinLA.com including three with one of Scientology’s harshest critic here in LA.

There may be a day when members of lots of churches wants to talk with me, just like how in my most recent episode a 20-year Freemason answered all my questions.

This practice of condemning everyone and anyone who doesn’t 100% echo and march in lockstep with the loudest of protesters and do things exactly as they would is ridiculous and anti-GenX.

Gen X does what we want, gives no shits, and leads by example.

I have been fair to everyone I have encountered in my neighborhood, including Lara, and did not press charges on her for swinging her stick at me because I feel badly for what has happened to her in the past.

I invite you to listen to any of my podcast interviews and you will see the only agenda I have is in helping people of LA a chance to tell their story and to talk about their neighborhoods. I don’t frame it by saying LA is stolen land, that America has been run by white supremacists, or that this planet is a ticking time bomb of climate change.

Likewise when I talk about churches or businesses I don’t frame those the way you believe “real journalism” should be presented. I get to the point and tell the story at hand.

If you want to do it differently, be my guest.

 

i finished the blog post from hell

there is somethign wrong with me

i cant concentrate with squat

it took me a month between the last episode and this one

yeah i had a lot going on in my life but i wasnt writing for setlist much

i had free time for once and i squandered it

i dont know if pills are the answer

what i think might be the answer is getting a stop clock and always be aware of time somehow

it flies by

i miss going to the movies

i miss a lot of things.

ok

this episode, #115 was so good. im so lucky to have this podcast.

 

i was published in a bunch of Black newspapers this month

hows that for Black History Month?

the first was about the issue of Beyonce not winning Album of the Year Grammy even though she has more Grammys than anyone

What Does Beyonce Have To Do To Win Album of the Year?

it was in the Sacramento Observer and others

and yes i answered the question. of course i did.

then right before the Super Bowl I wrote

Will The NFL Get More Black Head Coaches? Don’t Bet On It

my beloved Chicago Defender carried it, which was great because Da Bears was one of my prime examples because

they have only had 1 Black head coach in their 105-year history

and that one got fired after a 10-7 season.

so yeah, on top of the world.

if i only wrote for Black newspapers id be the happiest man alive.

but i also love writing about music

and my Usher Super Bowl Special on setlist was so fun to make.

she was such a good girl and i failed her

i like to think i have all the answers.

i like to think i can see into the future and inside people’s hearts

and sometimes i can.

peoplesupport – we hired like 400 ppl. 1,000+ came through me and i whittled them down with help from nicollette and shannon. but ultimately it was my yes or no and i used my spidey senses

the minute i saw amber i knew she was, like me, not here to bullshit you.

we could talk about almost everything, do anything. fuck fight and feast.

the one thing we couldnt talk about was her eating disorder.

she would get so mad

then i would get mad back bc i took it personally and say

you have to trust me by now ive been here through everything, just tell me about it, whats the root of it? are you afraid of losing it? do you think i wont bone you if you gain 50 pounds? i’ll tell you what every pound you gain i’ll lose a pound or gain a pound of muscle.

just know i want you alive

and she is not alive and i was her closest person for years and years and when she left me she died

so how am i not supposed to think this is my fault?

what i do think though is shes in a better place, cheesy as that is

but she did have a heart of gold, was nice to the richest ppl you ever met and the poorest.

here we are backstage at the Bill Maher show and shes with a General

once we drove up the 5 to deliver lost luggage to the four seasons in Frisco and we stopped over to get some almonds at a farm and met the farmer and his daughters and ended up talking to them for a good half hour, maybe more

ABOUT NUTS
and weed

once i said can i touch you anywhere? she said yes please. i said even in pictures. she said yes xbi. touch me anywhere. even when we fought she never said not there.

she loved interviewing people and putting their style on instagram or on her blog

i think this is a lady gaga show we went to. i took a leak and came out and she was interviewing this woman.

all she wanted to do was lift up everyone else. me too, but she was a mile ahead.

one day during covid, she had been laid off from the hotel bc the hotel was closed

and she said come in here.

she had a little office in my livingroom closet. she decorated it nice and during covid we were locked up in a 1bd hollywood crash pad. it was built for med students and serial bachelors who never had more than 1 person in the place for too long

it was not meant for two. so she built her own land in that closet. so cute.

she was looking at craigslist and she was all, they want Exotic dancers. are white girls from van nuys exotic?

she’d pose anywhere for me. wear anything. accept all direction.

if only i knew how to take proper photos. if only i had money.

if only i knew how to really be a good boyfriend to her.

she would gather things guests at the hotel would throw away. like totally full bottles of shampoo. and then she would make and give care packages to the homeless.

here she is with Walter, a guy who has slept on the street as long as ive been in this apartment. someone i would never have known, certainly not his first name if it wasnt for Amber.

she loved helping these people. she gave them $20 bills even though she never made much at the hotels.

she treated everyone the same. even shepard fairey.

even the general.

even walter.

if anything maybe she treated walter better bc none of those other mfers got kickass shampoo.

 

today is ambers birthday

i feel like ive had the luckiest life ever and now im running on bonus time

ive had the greatest friends, the best girlfriends, i got to see the coolest music, and i had the most amazing jobs where they paid me actual monies.

when amber and i first kissed it was at the def leppard kiss concert at the forum

we had been on three dates and i wasnt sure if she liked me

turned out she was getting her hair blown out for every date and wearing all new dresses and stockings

i couldnt believe she kept saying yes to dates and as she told me later she couldnt believe i wanted to be out there with her

when you are a black kid in the suburbs of chicago and you think of california girls you think of blondes who live in bikinis and work in beverly hills

there she was. and there i was in my 50s. and not doing so well on the job front. she did not care. we hit it off and loved LA so much and drove everywhere and talked with everyone and we stayed at a whole bunch of hotels thanks to her discount and

i think about her every day and today i was playing some lady gaga while i took my shower

amber was a little monster. we saw her 2x together.

and then right after two songs that i never get randomly but i love

miley cyrus we cant stop and madonna causing a commotion

and i thought, thats amber saying hi

hi baby