why do you have Merrick Garland as your Facebook profile pic? she asked.

how did you get in my house? i said in my pajamas holding a dripping flap jack flapper in one hand and a cat in the other.

ive had your key for 15 years busblog!

she looked good. she always does. but im a sucker mc. i try not to let pretty girls to get away with murder but i always give in. it might be my biggest flaw.

i said whats wrong with having merrick garland as my pic?

she said come ON, i love you because you’re way more than politics.

i was all baby the house is on fire the street is on fire.

the fire is on fire!

how am i supposed to talk about the new 2 Chainz joint or even an old one if all my records have melted because my entertainment station is on fire?!?!

she said i was over reacting. and my pancakes were on fire.

the cat leapt out of my hands, scratching me a little.

i said you have it made, youre american youre russian you dont mind peeing on girls in front of fat guys. your taxes are about to go down. but let me tell you something about those taxes of yours: theyre about to catch fire.

and then we made love on my waterbed because it was almost the same as a hot tub because the waterbed was on fire too.

and for that minute i was amazing.

but f that ho

– im still mad at her for blowing me off on my birthday and she sorta made up for it by writing me a super hot email today which she told me to look at People dot com where she said that she read my blog post about ashley and her upcoming nuptuals and told the gossip rag “i will never get married“. but she still has boy band germs so she can step.

– the new york mets are gigantic quitters. they had a chance to be cool by rickrolling themselves for their 8th inning (!) song, but now theyre giving up on the 80s hit.

– now heres how you get people to vote for you: Barack Hussein Obama claims he would immediately review any crimes in the Bush white house if elected president. fuck gold, if that happens im investing in popcorn.

– yes there was a school that caught fire in uganda that killed a bunch of children and some adults. no our girl chris was not at said school.

– remember that marilyn monroe sex tape – defamer convinces us tonight that its probably just a big fat hoax. but i still have my fingers crossed!

– wednesday is the LA Times’ biggest blogger’s birthday. why dont you wish the big fella a happy bday?

– did you know you can turn your iTouch into an iPhone and make free (or super cheap) phone calls? the internet never stops giving.

– reason #4578 why im glad i didnt go to berkeley

– not that *i* can afford these cars, but it’s nice to know that there are still some classic muscle cars that cost less than $25k even if theyre in excellent condition

im not talking to you.

how come?

oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

i hate you.

i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

rub it in, tony. good job.

i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

i dont need your pity.

it’s not pity.

fine, your sympathy, whatever.

so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

you looked cute in your new outfit.

still not talking to you.

whats with the blue though, you’ve been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

she is so pretty.

and she has saggy boobs

if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

get it on?

that’s bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

please stop talking to me

if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

i totally super hate you.

who else are you chatting with?

x minus you

this morning. she heard the maria sharpanova tennis match on in the background and hung up. later she called to apologize. i said, isnt that rico suave in the background, you know, your man? she changed the subject and said she had a Boyfriend Application that she was gonna send me.

but only if i promised not to put it on my blog.

i said i know youre reverse psychologing me and she giggled.

Name: dumbass
Age: 113 (114 on 10/22)
Location: hollyweird
Height: 5’10”
Hair color: skin
Eyes: without a face
Piercings/tattoos: if it wasnt against the bible? no & hella

OTHER:
1. Where would we go on dates? strip clubs, horse tracks, roller rinks, speak easys, buddhist temples, state fairs, hawaiis
2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists? tsar, sex pistols, andy warhol
3. Do you drink/smoke?? yes/no
4. Do you like the beach? in theory
5. If so…would you go with me late at night? you know the freaks come out at night
6. Do you like movies? very few
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? at my age you’re lucky if i can do anything all night
8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie? probably
9. If not what would we be doing? sleeping
10. Do you play an instrument? yep
11. If so…what? skin flute. baritone, thanks.
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright? no, thats what Jesus is for.
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? i still need some practice
14. Favorite body part on a girl? skirt
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? my gonads are so hot
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)? recently i was called a hit whore. jealous.
17. Would you give me kisses just because? theres a reason for all of my kisses.

What Would You do if…
I cried: yawn
I said I liked you: doubt it
I kissed you: harden
I wanted to bone you: dare you/
I touched your ass: call your mom
I was hospitalized: steal yr meds
I ran away from home: realized i was dating teens again
I got in a fight and you were there: call the play-by-play
I got dumped: put on my dennis rodman jersey
I pissed you off: try to hold it in but fail

What Do You Think Of My…
Personality: eh
Eyes: hot
Face: eh
Hair: hot
Clothes: too binding
Voice: super hot, i love accents
Humor: i laugh at everything
Choice of music: youre a girl, its not your fault
Manners: your parents raised you right
Friends: your friends are the girls id never date. ever. unless to get even.
Decisions: you need a new magic 8 ball, cuz your current one sucks

Would You…
Be my friend: sure, but then the terrorists win
Tell me the truth no matter what: i only lie in my blog
Buy me a birthday gift: busblog panties are in the mail
Lie to make me feel better: but you dont look fat in that
Spread rumors about me: to who? the entire interwebs? nah.
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate: stoner. yes.
Keep a secret if I told you one: id probably forget your secret after 10 mins
Loan me some cash: you make like 10,000x what i make, but sure.
Hold my hand: my second favorite thing to do with girls
Keep in touch: depends on how nice you were to me
Make me a snack: id rather make you wet, but fine, youre a snack.
Try and solve my problems: my specialty
Love me: does lust count?
Makeout with me: more than you probably can stand
Hold me in times of need: while playing weezers “hold me”? sure.
Ditch me: not without fair warning
Use me: todays modern woman is so willing theres no need to use them
Ask me out: lets go out baby
Date me: dates are what its all about
Bone me: only if you beg and wear that ho outfit
Makeout with me whenever you had the chance: i always have the chance
Hold me and make my problems go away: the only problem you have is youre not here.

jessica + pitt costello + krista + foxxy

Just go sit at another table. – Meags

tel me about it baby, but such is my so called life.

if this was a real diary and not a nothing in this is true blawg id say

oh dear diary,

tonight anna and i were supposed to go to the rock n roll show at the avalon.

and not just any show, but the format who i love and despite whatever issues i had with jana pants while she was here, the worst of all being her dancing around in her underwares while i was trying to write i mean omg. but despite that she has the greatest taste in music of all.

in the short period of time that she was here she turned me on to blood meridian, blood brothers, and best of all the format who are over dramatic and happy and just so good it ought to be musical theatre. like if radiohead ate meatloaf and shit a brass section out.

produced by steve macdonald of redd kross

of course.

ridiculously perfect.

fucker probably had a boner for the entire session.

i told jeff whalen that it sounded like a grown up version of the pooh sticks.

queen humping the arcade fire at the bequest of scissor sisters.

odds of you turning gay are high but the odds of you taking a chick like anna kournikova to it and getting laid are even higher.

but alas suddenly something suddenly came up and its hard to argue with a girl who actually has a life, not to mention a boyfriend, but the timing is horrible, for now its four twenty and im depressed, not just because i wanted to see this band but see it with her because

if i take clipper girls cousin she will say something so clipper girls cousin like see tony this is why i love you of which i will have to say something so tony which is read my lips no new taxes which rhymes with i dont love you.

and if i go alone i will be sad the whole time.

oh diary why does my life need to sucksorz. i cant wait to join the marines.

id put lines like that in my diary to see if my mom was reading it.

xoxoxo

tony

im not talking to you.

how come?

oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

i hate you.

i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

rub it in, tony. good job.

i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

i dont need your pity.

it’s not pity.

fine, your sympathy, whatever.

so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

you looked cute in your new outfit.

still not talking to you.

whats with the blue though, you’ve been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

she is so pretty.

and she has saggy boobs

if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

get it on?

that’s bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

please stop talking to me

if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

i totally super hate you.

who else are you chatting with?

x minus you

sk smith + faith fools + pshrink

today and we worked out our differences.

a while back i had written her an email which she said hurt her.

one that i had no intention of hurting her.

“well you did hurt me, and it hurt.” she said.

i always forget that i have a way with words. sometimes i have a bad way with words. i always forget that people look at my words much differently than i do.

i think im a bettern average writer, certainly not great, but lots of people feel like i have thrown lightening bolts at them when im riled up.

maybe some of you have the same self-esteem issues that i have about your writing. but the truth is i have a very hard time looking at it once its done.

i am trying to put together Blook II for your asses and its almost impossible.

not only is my computer set up at home so bad that its nearly crippling, but the misery of having to look back at all the crappy boring dullardly bullshitty bullshit that i type during my 15 minute work breaks in search of enough material for a 150 page book is definately not on my short list of things to do when i come home after a hard day in the helicopter.

but i made a promise to hit two home runs in the world series to a sick little boy named chokey and i fucking hate that.

murphys law, if i promise i will do something that takes even the slightest bit of effort i wont do it.

remember that How To Vote video that you all loved so? david asked me to write “anything” about voting, i said, sure i’ll have something by tomorrow. took me a week to get around to that.

what sort of fool am i.

i love writing. i love blogging. i love reading your blog, but i cant really read my own. its nuts.

maybe its because i know how these stories will end. maybe its because some of whats in here is true and truth sucks. maybe its because i look at these words and i dont see the talent that some of you see and when i get my confidence up enough to actually sit infront of businesses and websites and present my writing and my ideas to them they balk. every time.

ive pitched a blog for three web sites over these last two weeks. nobody said, tony we love your writing, we’ll take you as a writer, but we cant do a blog just yet. all they say is no.

which is good. its fine. i go back to the blog and type and expect nobody to fawn over me. i go back to outlook and write people emails like anna and dont think anything will happen.

and then i find out that when i write things it moves people in positive ways, and i find out certain things hurt others and i feel like the black guy in full metal jacket who cant even get pussy off the ho cuz hes too beaucoup,

and hes got to unzip to, for the first time in his life probably, prove that his magnificent specimen is pure alabama black snake but it ain’t too gd beaucoup.

danielle called me today from her beachside paradise of san diego telling me that she misses me and wants me to come down to see her and i said what if i mailed my camera down there and she said why dont you just rent a car and we can go to la fonda in baja mexico and i didnt say yes.

cuz im dumb.

so dumb.

which is why i think my words have no power

for if they did anna kournikova wouldnt be waiting tonight for enrique to come home from the go go

shed be waiting for tony to come home from the speckled streets of hollywood.

pax gitmo + isou + new gen films + kerry haters for kerry “he’ll do“

start with the hair. pull it. yank it. and when you do it bite at the neck like youre pissed off at something. if you cant think of anything to be pissed off about think about who is actually biting anna kournikova’s neck. that should do the trick.

next learn how to breathe. breathe on the off beats. if you’d normally breathe out when you push, breathe in. if you breathe around her ear or shoulders she might even like it. when in doubt go faster.

dont forget to think about anything except fucking. think about the fcc think about flags waving think about library stacks think about leaves blowing around. think about burn victim rooms. think about anything other than the hottie whos hair youre pulling.

nuzzle the nuzzable areas, pinch the pointy bits, bite the tounge when she shoves it at you.

yank the fuzzy kitty cat collar.

now learn how to talk dirty. you should have learned about this when you had phone sex early in the relationship. phone sex is vital, kids. vital. you get to learn boundaries you get to learn what the russian tennis star likes. you get to learn the vocabulary that she enjoys. you get to learn her turnons and turnoffs before she becomes a centerfold. and most of all you get to find out if she likes being called a filthy little whore or a dirty fucking slut. details my friends, details.

saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can ruin everything. dont learn this the hard way cuz no one wants to read about your victim stories. deliver us tales of triumph and tell us about how you made her see colors blindfolded.

pull out your boy scout guidebooks and relearn how to tie knots. theres a reason why theyre the foundation of american life, and its not because we all have 30 foot sailboats.

for some of ours are bigger.

learn to spank, learn to lick, learn to kiss. in that order.

become aware of the biology of the most intimate of the feminine of areas. recall your days as a paperboy and stop at every landmark and deliver the paper with your tounge. learn to eat and enjoy eating pussy like it’s the center of life.

apreciate the tastes the aromas the magic the majesty the folds the textures and the flavours and if you cant learn how to fake it. my advice: dont fake it.

and if you cant write about it or talk about it or blog about it youre kidding yourself if you think you can finger it.

spend far too much time down there.

ask yourself if youve ever heard this statement in passing at the trader joe’s: i really loved him but he ate me out too much.

and as in most things, learn how to use the left hand.

back to fucking. remember they call it fucking.

remind everyone that youre an animal. remember you were born with hair all over you, a desire to play with your food, and opposible thumbs. remember that you were born the stronger one and the bigger one and the rougher one. be strong be rough be tough. leave being gentle for fairies and conservatives. its two thousand and four, if they wanted to make out with a girl, theyd make out with a girl.

fuck like the cops are coming. come like you dodged em.

lift her and defy gravity. let the wall get some and the carpet. ruin the suede loveseat, wax the tabletops and use science against her. light the roof on fire and let that motherfucker burn.

after you threaten the ass, growl. remind her what to tell her girlfriends. tell her precisely what to feel.

fuck like how youd play guitar if you could actually play guitar: hard fast and all night.

lift weights do curls pushup and pullup. not so that you’ll look good in a speedo, sexy, but so you can lift her up and do it right there in her best friend’s closet when everyone is in the backyard playing drunken twister like theyre edgy.

look that dirty girl in the eye dont kisser and thank me cuz not only can you last cuz youve practiced your breathing but you can hold her up cuz youre in shape. shape magazine doesnt tell you why you want to be in shape but now you know the rest of the story old man.

some say you cant slap her ass too much.

she is a very bad girl after all.

and a bitch

and a secret ho

and a little tramp who’s spoiled

and pretty and

far too pampered in daddys condo in redondo

which all deserve a slap. not like youre used to. a hard one. a good one.

several good ones.

and then tell her how good that ass looks since no chick is happy with their ass.

love her ass.

as ive loved you.

dirty fez + fat free milk + houseplant