everything is a dare

theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

not exactly sure when i put it in there.

it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

went to my actual doctor today.

like me, former xbi.

nbd. omg.

i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

which i took as a dare.

which i am taking as a dare.

theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

why cant you drink tea?

in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

and how incredible his last season was.

he was 42.

do you know i love you? i do.

westworld was incredible last night.

there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

but i can also be super mean. especially online.

and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

id say burn fucker burn.

then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

and i would never want to disrespect those people.

but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

because i know how bad that feels.

next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

yeah lets start this next week. shit.

yesterday was the all star game, one of my favorite days of the year

fuck joe buckit was held in san diego, which is only a few hours away from my home

seven Cubs were named to the team. the entire infield was Cubs.

but as you know i hate san diego and i hope it falls into the ocean and gets flushed down into the center of the earths core.

one reason is because in 1984 the padres beat the cubs in the playoffs.

this week’s all star game was a celebration of sorts of that 84 padres team. they made everyone wear the brown and yellow shit and piss colors of that year during the home run derby.

during any other circumstance i might have paid big bucks to see my cubbies take the field and represent. but as i just said i hope Dani Targeryian’s dragons fly down there and burn the whole city down.

as i was getting ready to watch the game on tv my dear friend Dave, who was down there for work, took a picture of the worst announcer in sports, joe buck, and texted it to me. he went one step further by putting my pride and joy,  the busblog’s url on the picture to enhance the “humor”. i nearly choked on my short rib. as you can see the pretty lady interviewing him is keeping her distance because lighting will strike him one day soon and that day cannot come soon enough.

so yeah that was part of my yesterday. trying to watch my cubs. trying to forget it was being held in the land that time hates. and trying to squint with my ears as joe called the game. what i noticed was because all of his fantasy boyfriends were on the field he had a hard time ruining the game. boy did he try. but it wasnt actually all that bad.

he did leave out one huge detail because hes a company man robot and only speaks outloud what is written down in front of him.

the detail was, the NL was the visitors last night even though San Diego, for all its faults, is an NL city.

what Joe didn’t mention was in the next couple of years MLB is going to have the all star game in two more NL cities so they let the AL be the “home” team last night because, well, the AL is stinky like SD so may as well let them pretend for a night that theyre at home.

a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February

IMG_8084

we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

the boy just looked at me.

i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

he said, they are suicide bombers.

i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

i said yes! yes!

he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

The Kanyes

The Kickstarters

The Kombuchas

The Korean BBQs

The High Flying Kites

The Killer Kittens

The Kreepy Klowns

and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

does it please me to watch the instapundit

simpsonsdrop like a stone

wasnt it just a year ago that he was still in the technorati top 10 and now hes #86 with no end in sight?

of course it does.

its a perfect lesson to the kids out there. no one wants to read bullshit. no one is interested in modern day propaganda any more.

its also an excellent lesson that if youre wrong about everything, you lose

but worse, if youre right about libertarianism and conservatism, but you fail to embrace The libertarian conservative in the race

then youve probably just been a huge liar the whole time

and blogs arent where you go for lies.

you go there to find out what people really think.

you go there to read the words of the courageous.

now, if you ask me if im pleased that whats replaced the instapundits id have to say no. especially the sites that pretend they know how to make money off blogging, but moreso the people who go there.

lets be honest about making money with blogging – only the very very very very few do it. and half of them dont know how it worked out that way. in that sense its like pop music. either the kids are buying your bullshit or theyre not.

it cannot be contrived. and going to those sites and trying to contrive your blog is a royal waste of time and an insult to the medium.

if you want to make money at blogging you have to be a good blogger. the way you become a good blogger is you blog good for a long time. sorry.

but heres the good news. unlike other things like piano playing or weightlifting or oil painting – anyone really can be a very good blogger. it doesnt matter what school you went to, how poorly you write, how shitty your design is, or how crappy your computer is.

if you blog every day and keep changing things and keep growing. and keep talking to people and writing to people and being part of the blogosphere, you too can be successful.

start with writing every day for fifteen minutes. if you cant do that write for five minutes without hitting the enter key. lets go

its 110am i shouldnt have smoked that joint with her. who smokes joints in a house anyways? joints are for outside. joints are for little sneaky situations.

for surprises like youre on a sailboat freezing your ass off cuz its october and when you get into the little baby galley someone pulls a joint out and says hey look what i found. thats what joints are for. not hey lets oprah stoned. oprah is fatter stoned, fyi.

its 111am. how on earth did i write all that in a minute and change. ok lets talk about the yankees.

fuck the yankees.

it makes me so happy that they spent a quarter billion dollars and nothing. it makes me so happy that they still have no concept how important pitching is. how do you keep making that mistake year after year? ted lilly on the yankees might have changed everything. i bet it woulda.

113am she snores like an old man. her body catches her snoring and tries to shut it off, then the head leans back and there it gets cranking again. whoops it caught itself.

am i the only person whose body actually goes to sleep like passes out when its asleep like no catching like no dreaming just pitch black silence death? only if i have the radio on do i stir in my sleep but if i hit the sleep button properly once im out im dead to the world and i dont even move unless moved. but this one, motion even when sleeping. nuts.

ding.

Dear Hank Aaron

beating babe ruth i wish you were here in LA.

i know you dont wanna travel around and follow Barry Bonds as he breaks your record, but we all do things that we dont wanna do sometimes

and you know what, i hate that jackhole too.

and i know he doesnt deserve to break your record.

i know that the steroids helped him recover from injury faster and that armor that he wears on his elbow allows him to crowd the plate, and i know his penis is small and doesnt work any more probably

but youre hank aaron

you had a hammer.

and everyone knows that youre the home run king.

everyone knows that when you broke babe ruths record in 1974 you were threatened by racists and your life was ruined for years and you just couldnt wait for it to be over.

but you did it with class. you are class.

and no you dont owe anyone shit.

but maybe if you were sitting there in the special box next to the mayor of the town or tommy lasorda or someone and barry saw you there every night being classy and being hank aaron who started his career in the negro leagues with no aspirations to even get in to the major leagues because that sort of thinking was crazy

maybe barry would see how unworthy he is

and stop this nonsense one shy of the record.

the last thing he wants to do is see you there.

the last thing he wants to do is see that big fat old mans belly of yours filled with food that you worked for. sitting on a wallet that was never filled up with 8-digit contracts.

sitting on an ass that has never been juiced.

being in puerto rico is fine

but pete rose should be in the hall of fame

and hank aaron should be in the house when home run history is present.

your pal,

tony

i went to the dodger game tonight

with a man named asher who went to game 7 of the lakers suns game the other day.

asher is living the dream. he owns a rock club in austin, has ideals that he lives by, he stays kosher, and hes driving around the west following his favorite team, the LA Dodgers who today whipped andy pettite and the houston astros 14-7 in front of a capacity crowd who filled every seat on this, blanket night.

asher is in town until thursday when he will drive up through santa barbara, and then san francisco for a series and then off to colorado to watch the dodgers take on the rockies at coors field.

because asher has a heart of gold he doesnt believe that kobe bryant is responsible for the lakers loss in the first round of the playoffs, a warmup round in the rich history of the lakers. he scored 25 points, my man reminds me.

but kobe is a gentleman who showed the world he could score 81 in the regular season and 50 in the playoffs, if he thinks he can do it without Shaq, then you owe me at least 25 more points, show off.

attempting three field goals in the entire second half is not acceptable when your other alternatives is a guy named shmoosh and another guy named kwamie. yes kobe is also a funny name but its one that we have this season begun to associate with high point scoring. the scoring champ this year, if im recalling correctly.

fucking scoring champ fucking scores like a champ in fucking game seven, i dont care what everyone else is doing.

and thats why steve nash is my first pick for league mvp

and thats why elton brand is number two on my list

asher and i discovered that you cannot get a kosherdog any more at dodger stadium and i wonder if its because shawn green no longer wears the dodger blue.

we were forced to leave our loge section 113 seats of luxury to get to the reserved seats high atop chavez ravine and found veggie dogs, all beef dogs, chinese food, and spicy dogs, but no hebrew national or any other brand of kosher dog. it was a travesty.

the terrorists win again.

nomar garciapara had a double and a homer and should have hit two homers. bro’s back and looking good.

matt leinert was in attendence over by the dodger dugout but there was no sign of paris hilton anywhere near him.

asher and i confided in each other with our seperate plans for taking over the world and we both agreed that we’re doomed for amazing success.

which perhaps you should ready yourselves for.

flagrant + whatshername + chad is blogger of the day

nolan ryan

19 years ago
nolan ryan had this guy twenty-six
running straight at him
nolan’s forty-six
the guy was mad cuz
nolan
hit em with the ball
and when the guy got at
nolan nolan put him in a headlock
and said
now im gonna hit you with my
fist.
then nolan got the next 13
of 14
batters out.
i really miss you jeanine
satan and the lord put job thru a lot
satan said if job had everything
taken from him he wouldnt love
you God why should he
God said fifty bucks says he won’t crack
God and satan make bets on me how
i’ll start writing
sad poems again
n just get sadder
but nolan proved sometimes
you cant lose.
for even
satan
hates poems about baseball.