i am not a good uncle. i probs would have been a bad dad.

my shrink asked me why i never had kids,

i said because condoms work.

she said but why didn’t you want kids?

i said, i think it was because the ladies i was getting naked with didn’t want them.

she asked, if you met someone who wanted kids would you have them?

i said, if i was in love, madly in love,

which is code for stupid, sure.

she said, you think love is stupid?

i said no, i think love is the greatest, but when you are in it you do super dumb things, and i am telling you this out of experience.

so you think having children is dumb? she asked.

i think me having kids is a risky move because of course i would love them and try to be cool to them, but i overshare and i dont see a lot of parents do that, so maybe it’s not a good thing, and if i was around little kids i would want to do the good thing, not the idealistic thing, and i have no clue what the good thing is

and maybe the good thing is to just lead by example and not be an asshole

that way if a kid, like say, my niece, sees me doing things, she will say “oh that seems not ass holey. i think i’ll do that too.”

which isnt to say i havent been an asshole to people, in fact i think about the times i have been so cruel, all the time. but i think the reason we are still breathing is to grow and learn from those sins.

kyla this year helped me transcribe some of the things ive been writing and that was an unexpected joy. and i paid her and she said you poor. i said doesnt matter, you should always ask for payment when you work.

she said, ok but how about you put it in my college fund.

which i did. totally forgetting that college for her starts soon.

in my head shes still a little kid putting on way too much sunscreen.

my nephew stole the hearts of all the busblog readers

they say hi

so do their animals

the winner of the cuteness award goes to the puppy

her name is Chuckles

sorry little mean dog

sometimes he wont want to be picked up or held. sometimes he doesnt wanna go in the pool or hot tub.

sometimes he wont wanna eat or drink or even play wii.

you can look at him and see he doesnt wanna be social but hes pretty adorable so you might wanna mess with him a little.

wanna go for a drive, tyler?

no.

wanna fly a plane, my man?

no.

wanna trade some arms for hostages?

no.

whats the opposite of yes?

no.

if nancy reagan wants to sell you some ecstasy what should you say?

no.

if nancy reagan has a really great price if you buy ten, and you know her stuff is pharmasutical grade, what should you say?

no.

what should the cubs have said to ryan dempsters agent when he asked $52 million to resign his client?

no.

was it right for the dems to pretend that everything was totally chill with senator lieberman after he sold out his party and aligned with mccain palin?

no.

will you be buying the new beyonce record?

no.

what about artie langes new book “too fat to fish”

no.

wait what? you got something against the baby gorilla?

no.

then why not support the man? hate reading suddenly?

no.

when you wanna rent a car and the dude pressures you into getting that insurance whaddya say?

no.

been watching that paris hilton tv show where she picks her new bff?

no.

wanna set up your bowling pins and play for like 47 hours straight?

yesh.

fuckers been here for days and hasnt told me. so even though today i was super busy, as always, like crazy busy, i was very happy to have him take me out to dinner.

for some reason my mom didnt tell me he was gonna be here either cuz she thought that i didnt care cuz any time she tells me that some crazy cousin or some weird relative i met when i was 3 is in town i yawn and when pressed to hang out with them i threaten suicide.

but i have nothing but love for my brother in law. not only did he marry my only sister, which i appreciate. but he helped create two beatiful kids, one of whom totally looks like me, and hes even raising them, which im also stoked about.

and he takes after my moms household, automotive, and spiritual needs at no extra charge.

hes a very good man. hes very quiet. hes very white. and hes top shelf if you ask me.

so when he said he wanted thai food i was all, palms thai of course.

but then we started driving and the sun was setting and the poor dudes gotta go back to chicago where he says the weathers been shitty all summer so i said lets go to the beach and eat around there. and just as we had decided on touristy gladstones, danielle, who formerly lived two blocks away from gladstones called me to ask me if major league baseball players get paid their major league salary when theyre sent down to the minors – it depends on their contracts – i asked her if there were any good thai places near gladstones.

she said yes, Thai Beach, just north of the Reel Inn

and there it was right across the street from the beach, there on pch.

we ate delicious foods, i smiled at a waitress who wasnt ours, everyone in the place eating were suspicious characters, my brother in laws work paid for the whole thing, and it was quite a lovely situation.

when we got back to my place, i did the only thing my family has done to him for as long as we’ve known him, we put him to work. i had him connect my faulty WiFi

and the craziest thing is he tried to fix it and after an hour of tinkering, he couldnt do it.

and i thought to myself, i coulda sworn he was xbi.

but nope, hes just nice.

people ask me how much of this is true and i tell them none and then they don’t believe me.

i never get to play major league baseball. i never get to hit three run home runs. i never get hit in the head by some soloman torres chin music that ends up cracking my helmet.

i pretty much just fly chopper one all day, take the bus home, and watch tv. i guess i cant expect wild craziness to happen if im just sitting on my ass pausing live tv on my damned tivo and taking pictures of palm trees and traffic lights.

heres what my astrology says for this week:

Libra for the week of April 17, 2003 by Rob Brezney

My acquaintance Judith decided to go all out in helping her daughter sell Girl Scout cookies. She filled her garage with cases of all nine varieties in preparation for a marketing onslaught on friends and neighbors. Then one night disaster struck. Raccoons exploited a hole in the roof to break in and plunder the stash. But while the marauders ripped open boxes of every cookie type, they ate only one: the Samoas, also known as Carmel deLites, which are covered in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut, and laced with chocolate stripes. In the coming week, Libra, I urge you to be like those raccoons in this one regard: Unleash your passionate hunger very precisely. Don’t go after what you sorta kinda like; pluck only the treats you long for with all your heart.

So what do i long for with all my heart?

a great job that pays me a bunch of money? for the Cubs to win the world series? world peace? for my afro to return to even more glorious splendor? a super hot bisexual girlfriend who is constantly trying to impress me?

hmmm.

a house, a car, a horse, a bar, no more spam, all the local channels across the usa on my directv at a reasonable price?

a nice big fluffy dog named Ruffy?

71 comments on every post that i write from people who want to tell me how cool i am and how beautiful moxie is?

a good cd from beck that sounds more like odelay and less like mutations?

for my phone here at the office to stop ringing since i have a hangover?

for the cute girl in the typing pool to ask me out to koo koo roo for lunch?

to get an interview to work on the howard stern show?

to get to blog for a living while traveling the world?

for the fcc to say that boobies on cable tv are ok, since they are just boobies after all and since we live in america after all, the land of the free and home of the brave after all and they’re just boobies and kids don’t need as much protection from boobies as we thought?

for my aunt to know that i love her and i was happy that she called me on easter even though i haven’t talked to her in probably 75 years?

yes, i think i would want that one, mr. astrology man.

buffonery