Tag Archives: matt welch

last month on twitter matt welch asked about this sb little league picture

Posted on by
Reply

and i couldn’t find it anywhere, and lo, i just ran across it on facebook

we were probably the coolest little league managers of all time

but that doesn’t always translate to the wins column

however, one thing about being 9 and 10 years old, which these boys learned

probably not from us

is winning and losing is all relative

the fact that they were able to turn double plays

and not piss their pants at the plate

when, let’s say, that was not in their skill set before we all met and became the Santa Barbara Royals

is all the winning one needs.

Matt Welch is stepping down from being Editor in Chief of Reason

Posted on by
1

matt emmanuelle mayorThe man has a wife and two lovely daughters to support. So what will he do next?

Because the typically transparent Lakewoodian has been unusually tight lipped, one can only assume he already has something in the works.

Here are the Busblog Speculations:

1. he will be the Campaign Manager for the Tony Villar for Governor campaign

2. he will replace Albert Pujols at first base for the Angels (cant do any worse)

3. he will play rhythm guitar in the Ringo Starr All Starr Band

4. he will return to UCSB to finish his degree, become sports editor of the Nexus, and bring back the Good Morning Goleta radio show on KCSB.

5. he will replace the outgoing Skip Bayless and square off against Stephen A. Smith every morning on a new ESPN show called “Loudmouth and Whitey”.

6. he will return to his beloved Eastern Europe, along with his pal Tony Pierce, where they will roll out a chain of taco joints called Del Playa Taqueria.

7. he will be a producer on the next Morgan J. Freeman MTV series called Strapped about teen NRA members who love hip hop.

8. he will go into business helping gentrification-focused real estate flippers install Conversation Pits into Craftsman homes.

9. he will return to a life of crime, by which I mean letting his hair grow out and panhandling Euros from tourists on the Charles Bridge

10.  Two words: Tronc VP

could it have been NINE years ago

Posted on by
Reply

that matt and emmanuelle got married? tons of people were there. it was in the middle of france in a summer vacation town called joncy. white cows walked right down the middle of the street speaking french.

first me and chris flew into amsterdam and decompressed there for a few days. everyone says that traveling to europe in the summer is so expensive and uncomfortable and crowded and terrible but in the middle of july all the dutch take their vacations and head to greece or the south of france or anaheim so my favorite european town was nearly empty and strange. it was raining a little too.

didn’t matter. if anything it made it better. even though our marriott had a pizza hut underneath it, it wasn’t what id consider amsterdamian, so i dont recommend it.

after a few days we took a train to my second favorite european town, paris. paris was cool. by the time we got there though the only restaurant open was one of those chic ones where you eat on the outside in front of the restaurant judging people who walk on the sidewalk. i think all they had left was lobster and shrimp and tasty wine and strawberries and chocolat mousee. after a romantic stroll free of parisians who were also in greece, we retreated to our filthy room with charming view and agreed that even the dirtiest of streets of paris are still much more magical than the best streets of the mission of frisco where we were living at the time, happily.

only scary part about paris was the fact that no one knew where joncy was.

it may have had to something to do with my special brand of french.

eventually we got on the tgv – the french bullet train. once again we found ourselves free of any bothersome europeans. and you may ask yourself, “why is tony so upset about our cousins to the east?”

i’ll tell you why, because as long as americans have been coming to europe we have been asking for cold cokes. if europeans wanted spit on their waffles, after a while we would just know to include spit on your waffles when you came over here.

give us cold cokes!

so we drank wine.

me and chris were drinking wine everywhere we went even on the train to mont pilleir or whatever the town was that dougie gyro and barney picked us up at, but we were pretty drunk when we showed up and we met up with our friends and tick tock it dont stop.

we were driven to grandma’s house, emmanuelle’s grandma. everyone has castles in this town. the white cows demanded it. grandma’s castle was pretty nice, but her barn was the best so we all slept there. it was hot in joncy and the windows were open and people were playing guitars and singing songs. all of my friends play and sing except me. i drink and smoke and fall asleep. aaaaahhhhh.

in the morning we walked into town. first we crammed into the mayor’s office. emmanuelle’s dad is the mayor. everyone was smiling and talking french and then the mayor said some things in english and pat whalen was the best man and he was laughing so i kept laughing.

then we all walked down the main street of joncy a beautiful parade. matt had on this crazy yellow jacket looking like buddy hollys cousin in law some guy was playing a violin, layne was playing the guitar. people were singing.

made it to the church and that was entirely in french and way better than most services that ive been to.

probably cuz it wasn’t full of lies.

after church we went to the pre reception drink off at a nearby school. only a few of us knew it was a drink off so i placed pretty high.

piled into cars and drove out of joncy to where the mayor lives. his castle was the best one. three stories, big, yet homey. in the backyard were several big tents where we would eat and drink and dance into the wee hours.

the camps were equally divided between emmanuelles euro friends and matts dirty american pals. the girls were beautiful intellects on both sides but the menfolk from matts side were decidedly scruffy and crude, like moi, especially with the neverending barrels of wine that grew from the trees of the countryside of west joncy.

layne kissed matts teenage sister. a fight broke out. it was settled with a highly entertaining breakdance battle. ken had to kiss matt. then everyone kissed everyone. then dougie gyro hijacked the wheels of steel and we danced til the dawns early light.

rode cows to grandmas castle barn, hit the hay, and have yet to wake from that beautiful dream.

emmanuelle + matt

did you know im a father?

Posted on by
Reply

yep. technically.

because nothing in my life is normal im the father of a child i have never met, from a woman ive never even touched, fertilized by sperm that was not mine.

how could this basic impossibility be reality?

because the contra costa court says so.

several years ago i was sleeping in the arms of my true love when i heard a thunderous pounding at the front door. this was odd because she and i lived in a gated apartment complex and nobody knocked at our door ever.

it was 5am.

at that point i was new to the xbi and i had the 6am – 3 pm shift so i was used to waking up early, but not in that manner.

i went to the door and it was the sheriff. they were serving me with some documents. i opened the package and scanned the contents and realized that i was being accused of being some 10 year old girl’s father.

relieved that it wasnt something serious or possible, i crawled back into my bed and assured my truest that everything was gonna be ok.

when i got home at 3:30pm i read the top page of the documents and saw that they were giving me two things i could do: 1) fill out the medium sized stack of papers or 2) call the number at the top of the page and “settle” the matter.

being someone interested in the possibility of settling something with a phone call, i dialed the damn number and was flat out lied to by the person on the other end of the phone:

just call back here every day for the next 30 days, she said, and we’ll know youre not the father.

little did i know, but because i obeyed the representative from the Department of Children’s Services i was falling for their ploy.

they knew that if i didnt fill out the paperwork and send it back to them within 30 days i would be deemed the father by “default judgement.”

they never told me this, of course, over the series of conversations that i would have with them each day after work

somehow it slipped their minds.

this is just the begining of an interestingly scary part of my real life.

a part that is in this months Reason magazine in a good long article written by my buddy mr Matt Welch

who in his spare time sings and plays guitar in the Corvids

a cd you need to pick up immediately.

matt digs up some incredible stats and stories about how millions of men have ended up in the situation that i found myself:

fucked

whats interesting is i have taken two dna tests, i do not look like the “tall, dark-skinned” Anthony Pierce that the mother describes the father as being and yet my case still continues. it’s now going into its third year!

it’s one thing to set a trap and lie to people to get them into that trap.

it’s another thing to keep them in there once it obvious that you have the wrong man.

there is a nebulous system that some people might feel the urge to raise their fists at,

but most of the time there are real people within that system who know very obviously that they could do something to right the glaring and obvious wrongs within that system

and when they do not

a demon gets his wings.

the reason piece + TPB, esq. analyzes it + as does cathy seipp + even the instapundit covered it

five years ago matt and emmanuelle got married

Posted on by
Reply

matt and emmanuelle wedding

tons of people were there. it was in the middle of france in a summer vacation town called joncy. white cows walked right down the middle of the street speaking french.

first me and chris flew into amsterdam and decompressed there for a few days. everyone says that traveling to europe in the summer is so expensive and uncomfortable and crowded and terrible but in the middle of july all the dutch take their vacations and head to greece or the south of france or anaheim so my favorite european town was nearly empty and strange. it was raining a little too.

didn’t matter. if anything it made it better. even though our marriott had a pizza hut underneath it, it wasn’t what id consider amsterdamian, so i dont recommend it.

after a few days we took a train to my second favorite european town, paris. paris was cool. by the time we got there though the only restaurant open was one of those chic ones where you eat on the outside in front of the restaurant judging people who walk on the sidewalk. i think all they had left was lobster and shrimp and tasty wine and strawberries and chocolat mousee. after a romantic stroll free of parisians who were also in greece, we retreated to our filthy room with charming view and agreed that even the dirtiest of streets of paris are still much more magical than the best streets of the mission of frisco where we were living at the time, happily.

only scary part about paris was the fact that no one knew where joncy was.

it may have had to something to do with my special brand of french.

eventually we got on the tgv – the french bullet train. once again we found ourselves free of any bothersome europeans. and you may ask yourself, “why is tony so upset about our cousins to the east?”

i’ll tell you why, because as long as americans have been coming to europe we have been asking for cold cokes. if europeans wanted spit on their waffles, after a while we would just know to include spit on your waffles when you came over here.

give us cold cokes!

so we drank wine.

me and chris were drinking wine everywhere we went even on the train to mont pilleir or whatever the town was that dougie gyro and barney picked us up at, but we were pretty drunk when we showed up and we met up with our friends and tick tock it dont stop.

we were driven to grandma’s house, emmanuelle’s grandma. everyone has castles in this town. the white cows demanded it. grandma’s castle was pretty nice, but her barn was the best so we all slept there. it was hot in joncy and the windows were open and people were playing guitars and singing songs. all of my friends play and sing except me. i drink and smoke and fall asleep. aaaaahhhhh.

in the morning we walked into town. first we crammed into the mayor’s office. emmanuelle’s dad is the mayor. everyone was smiling and talking french and then the mayor said some things in english and pat whalen was the best man and he was laughing so i kept laughing.

then we all walked down the main street of joncy a beautiful parade. matt had on this crazy yellow jacket looking like buddy hollys cousin in law some guy was playing a violin, layne was playing the guitar. people were singing.

made it to the church and that was entirely in french and way better than most services that ive been to.

probably cuz it wasn’t full of lies.

after church we went to the pre reception drink off at a nearby school. only a few of us knew it was a drink off so i placed pretty high.

piled into cars and drove out of joncy to where the mayor lives. his castle was the best one. three stories, big, yet homey. in the backyard were several big tents where we would eat and drink and dance into the wee hours.

the camps were equally divided between emmanuelles euro friends and matts dirty american pals. the girls were beautiful intellects on both sides but the menfolk from matts side were decidedly scruffy and crude, like moi, especially with the neverending barrels of wine that grew from the trees of the countryside of west joncy.

layne kissed matts teenage sister. a fight broke out. it was settled with a highly entertaining breakdance battle. ken had to kiss matt. then everyone kissed everyone. then dougie gyro hijacked the wheels of steel and we danced til the dawns early light.

rode cows to grandmas castle barn, hit the hay, and have yet to wake from that beautiful dream.

tabloid: was there