do i love you? yes.

did i realize i had almost gone two days without blogging? no.

am i still working my tush off getting ready for tomorrows Oscars? yes.

did i just see Emma Stone and she looked back at me and our eyes met?


did she look 1000x prettier than the last time our eyes met?


did i strangely watch Superbad last night to prepare for movie’s biggest night?


do i gotta go now, Louie Louie?


pretty girl came over with a screener of Loving

it’s surprising how quickly i can clean up my house when the price is right

she said she had some lobsters. i said i have some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots.

i didnt tell her that the potatoes were pre mashed and the veggies you can nuke in the bag.

when she came over she saw a huge Groupon box that was just delivered.

whats that she asked?

not sure, i said, nervous that it might be some inappropriateness that i’d bought for another.

she said arent you gonna open it?

i said, it wouldnt be a surprise if i open it.

the food got made fast, we sat on my couch. the cats behaved.

finally she said, are you seriously not going to open the box?

the movie was boring.

so i said, fine. but you have to know, sometimes i order things as gifts for people

and they’re completely jokes.

uh huh, she said and retrieved a pair of scissors from my wall.

i hang scissors on my wall, ok?

opened the box and it was this Egg Cooker where you can hard boil up to 7 eggs at one time.

i was relieved.

she said, im stuffed but maybe we should see if this works.

it worked.

we sprinkled some salt on the eggs, ate them, and i said, i fucking love eggs

she said me too and took off her sweater.

me and aj met in santa monica to see moonlight

aj in collegethis is the Oscar home stretch so i have to see all the rest of the Best Picture films before Sunday

so when AJ was all, lets go, tonight! i was all f yes!

i have this Uber subscription that gives me 20 rides all around LA for $4. even though i knew i wasnt gonna get drunk and even though it was President’s Day, who doesn’t like getting a ride for $4 across town?

we met at The Landmark on Pico which has very fancy theaters.

i was starving but i got there early so i walked through my new favorite store, Nordstrom, and on to the Food Court.

it was empty in the Westside Pavillion. Super empty. Sad empty. People were cleaning things that were already clean.

Ordered some food at the Panda Express. They never have panda. Weird.

Walked back and AJ arrived. We got a Mexicoke and a popcorn and the film began.

Soooo many black people in the film. When was the last time you saw something like that? And a story told very slowly. Also good. But in the end I was all, what happened? Did anything really happen? And what was i supposed to learn from it? Stay in school, don’t do drugs?

I couldn’t understand why this is getting so much Oscar buzz. Same with La La Land. But that’s me, Mr. Critical. Mr. Meh. Ashley so many years ago was right, I cannot be pleased.

But what was pleasing was AJ and I walked around West LA. Just walking and talking. Catching up. We tried to eat at Islands but they were closing and didn’t like the looks of us. I tried to eat at Jack in the Box but AJ was all, come on Tone. So we settled for a donut or two at this Donut store.

We walked more, talked more on the quiet streets. It was very nice. Very. Sometimes friends youve known for a long time are better than Oscar nominated films.

Sometimes always.

got this rich guy in DTLA

he needed to get to a body shop on La Cienega

it was an Uber Select ride, so i was stoked

when i put the address into Waze it told me to take the 101

but i thought, and i told him, shouldn’t we be taking the 10?

he said, if Waze says the 101 lets do it.

i thought maybe because of the rain and the sink holes and craziness maybe Waze knew something i didnt know.

are you ok, i asked, when he told me about the body shop?

he said, “funny story, my brother is in from out of town and he was gonna rent a car for a few days, i said take my Porsche, it’s a classic but i never use it.

“so he takes it and as he is about two blocks home he looks over and sees this stunning woman walking down the street and rear ends the car in front of him.”

i said, i did the same thing when i first moved here from Chicago. the women here are something to get accustomed to. he was all, no kidding.

we get to where Waze tells us and the guy goes, no, this isn’t it. im like, it’s not? he goes, no its closer to Olympic (we were about 5 miles from Olympic.) i say, my man, I’ll take you wherever you want.

so we keep going and we’re looking at the sky and its beautiful and he says, when i moved here 20 years ago the air was so terrible. regulations really can make a difference: smog checks, emission standards, fancy gas.

i said you really dont hear smog jokes about LA any more.

he was all, no you do not.

and then we were there.

$40 on the nose.

my mom loves Larry Wilmore

but she doesn’t like swearing, so im not sure how she will feel about this.

people were giving Bill Maher a lot of crap for having Milo on

but if theres one great thing about Maher it’s he invites people from all walks

Ann Coulter gets on there about once a year, so why not this terrible guy.

actually everyone was great on this panel, the CIA guy, even the other republican guy.

the worst Maher shows are when it’s all Dems and they all agree all night.

clearly Fridays wasn’t like that at all

here’s how the show started.


dear tony what do i do


First time caller, long time reader. 

Last month I finally had sex with this beautiful woman after a long break. It was surprisingly wonderful. 

Every week since then we’ve flirted online, through text, and even by phone. Each weekend I thought we had plans to reunite but she would find an excuse to cancel. I thought she was sincere until today when she told me she was going to get “some ass from Tinder. LOLs”. 

What happened? What should I do?


dear fullerton,

block her number and never talk to her again.

it doesn’t sound like she felt the same way about your encounter as you do. she probably was hugely disappointed. you probably did everything wrong. but dont feel bad. women are complicated creatures. some want you to pull their hair and call them derogatory names, some want you to pamper them and touch them as softly as a butterfly.

even if they tell you what they want you can’t trust it. because women are also human. (like you and me). how many times have you wanted a gigantic pizza but when it arrives you eat one little tiny piece and just go to sleep.

it happens to them too. but with schweens.

you probably didn’t ring her little bell.

and if you did it reminded her of someone else. not your fault (probs).

it’s over. forget about her. be happy you even had contact with her even once. there are some schmucks who won’t get any alllll year. maybe not next year either. life is an acid trip. stay hydrated. avoid mirrors. (and cops)

if she calls you hang up.

you might be a total loser, but you’re not someones bitch.

learn a skill,


just because youre nice doesnt mean yr not the boss

she was all, i want you to do this thing

i said you should probably change that verb

to what?

how about to one where you are begging.

you mean, tony i beg of you to do this thing?

i said thats a start in the right direction.

she said, please tony, im begging?

i said, keep practicing in that ball park.

the sad thing about the world is there are very few leaders.

there are repeaters, and they dont even do that very well

there are followers, many of whom stray.

and there are doe eyed believers.

but leaders, especially those who know where to go and how to get there

are few and diminishing.

for some reason she wants to tell me what to do in my house and in my bed


gigantic mistake.

and proof she has been lusting the wrong white boys.

brothers dont play that game.

other day i was driving through a bad part of town. but crazy me, i forgot i was driving a benz.

young dude, looked to be have hispanic half black, skinny, hungry, wild eyed

he was sitting at the bus stop then he jumped up when he saw me not flinch when our eyes met

the light was red and he approached my rolled up window. he tapped.

i rolled it down a smidge.

“whats your name” he asked and yanked the door handle

knife glistening in his sweaty waistband.

Death i said. meant it, and drove away.

this was my dinner

ended up in west LA around 7:22pm

traffic was crazy everywhere. on the freeways off the freeways.

i was starving heading south on Bundy. really wanted to go to Pico but traffic was gridlocked.

so i settled on the Taco Bell on Pico and Bundy near the Amherst House.

so glad i did because i tried the Naked Chili Chalupa box.

a boneless fried breast of chicken folded to be the taco shell! and then taco fixings inside of it.

plus you get a Dorito beef taco and a regular crunchy beef taco.

and a bottle of water because im healthy.

$5.44 after taxes

took me forever to get onto the 10 heading east to usc

so i took the 405 to the marina freeway to slauson for a cruise thru the hood

i ate all three of those “tacos” fast.

700 calories, messy, slimy, crunchy, miraculous.

listened to tom petty interview andrew oldham about driving the stones around the US in the early 60s

before they had broken thru

and wished i had ordered two.

do i believe in love?

of course.

you dont have to have a boo to be into the magical force that binds us all

i havent had a girlfriend in a few years for a number of reasons

most of which i cannot reveal here because nothing in here is true.

so what happens is every now and then i will get a tap on my window

or my doorbell will ring a ding ding

and i will put on my housecoat and flick on the porch light

and i will see a flowing gown in the distance running away

and hear a delightful giggle

and later screeching tires

i’ll look down on the welcome mat and see a gift box or two

smelling of perfume and lust.

inside might be chocolates spiked with molly

or bananas dipped in butterscotch

or a nice little bottle of rum

and two shot glasses that say




every blue moon one of the courageous ones will stand pat at the door twirling her hair peeping through the peep hole for a sign of light

and i’ll open the door and invite her in

one thing will lead to another and there will be dancing

and laughing

maybe some merriment

followed by surprising disappointment.

a chopper will arrive and swoop her away

little red Bougainvillea blossoms swirling in the courtyard

and much later a text begging for a selfie

which is always obliged.

so yes i know i get used.

but thats better than

a lonely trip to the apple pan.