Tag Archives: uber

drove alot today

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heres whats fucked up

im happier when i drive

but theres no money in it.

i could just be a tour guide and bank off my experience and resume

but fuck that

part of the reason i like driving rideshare is the randomness of it all

you go somewhere fuckedd  up with a stranger, then you gotta pee, then you need gas but they wont let you pee there, and then you gotta eat AND make money

i love it.

drove 160 miles today and make 188$

lax to dtla to fairfax to vermont to palmdale to granada hills to weho

i love every single part of what i did in that car today

im doomed

its very hard to make money on tuesdays

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sergio calls them Terrible Tuesdays

i wasnt able to get out of the house until 5pm

so i thought maybe i should do an experiment where i intentionally drive when traffic is its worst and see what sort of money i can make

my nephew plays video games on the easy mode to learn

i play them on the hardest mode to learn

got a beautiful chinese woman from usc going to her boyfriends house in laguna beach

seems long. is long, but in the middle of the night it only takes an hour and i get $40

usually i wouldnt do it but $40 for any ride on a tuesday is great.

she said where she lived in china was during a time when ppl could only have one kid.

some families would kill the newborn girl or get an abortion if they knew it was gonna be a girl. but what happened was there were Alllll these guys and not many women.

i asked her if that was true

she said yes

i said so is it true that the men would try super hard to woo pretty girls like you because they were competing against like 10 other dudes for the same hot babe?

she said yes.

i said so did you ever make them do crazy things like buy you shoes or coats or top hats?

she said no. that she didnt want to take advantage of anyone.

also she said it was hard for the guys. lots of them visited the philippines or africa to find wives.

and i said, so is your boyfriend from your part of china?

she said im not dating a chinese man. mine is italian.

i said omg poor poor chinese guys. one of the few super smart super beautiful chinese girls in their town and she runs away to america and hooks up with an italian guy!

we laughed.

no tip.

four

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i had such a good day today driving the people around
my favorite may have been an asian woman from kazakhstan
with a russian accent and a scent
she said was arab
but the one i need to write
about told me about nearly dying off fentanyl
but luckily her bf
had 4 narcans

i shoulda been driving this week

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only problem is my car needs to go to the shop

and im scared to bring it to the last guys so i may take it to auto zone bc i hear they can hook it up to their computer and tell you why the engine light is on

what i really should do is rent one from uber

it would be new, it would force me to get out and drive, and it would keep miles off my car,

but mostly it would motivate me to drive

which would eat into the podcast but thats fine bc i need to start doing fewer giant blog posts. no one cares.

thats fine,

maybe in a few years they’ll care and everything will be different.

 

manny the gambler

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his name was manny, he was mexican american. lives in mexico, works in altadena where he wipes an old mans ass.

a caregiver i picked up at LAX where it was dead all over LA so when the $41 ping came in asking if i wanted to haul him across town with an ETA of an hour i said hell yes.

not sure how he was an american citizen but he said he was one, not a super thick accent but it was there. fucked up teeth. laid back style. happy. comfortable. we immediately got to talking.

manny was making way more money than me. the old man paid him $300 a day to live in the house with him and his wife in a big house north of pasadena. no days off during the week, but every three months he was allowed to fly back down to mexico to see his wife and son, freddy.

freddy had just turned two.

after little bonuses, manny was paid $100k a year to do the things this man needed which was mostly to lift him out of bed, clean him, help him poop, feed him, and do some light housework for the old lady. the boss was an executive back in the day. plenty of money but got parkinsons in his late 50s and was quickly falling apart.

i hate to say it but it sounds like a boring job, manny.

it is. and its led me to gambling because i sit next to him as he mumbles and i study the horses.

oh at santa anita? (which is nearby)

everywhere. los alamitos, belmont park, i even bet on races in Japan.

what’s your system? i used to read a lot of Charles Bukowski who would drive from San Pedro to Santa Anita and he’d study the racing forms in the passenger seat as his wife drove.

i dont have a system, he said, i lose a lot. but i try to stick to betting on hot jockeys and trainers.

he then admitted he has a bit of a gambling problem where he’s lose $300-$500 a day on bad days, break even on good days and win on very good days.

it’s the app, he said, it lets me play all day, all night. i have to cut down in 2024.

when things turn sad only halfway through a trip, i try to redirect it to happier paths.

what was the best day of gambling you had in 2023?

manny perked up. i won $5,000 on a daily double. i put down $100 on a long shot and a favorite and it paid off.

what did you do with the money?

well im saving for a bar i want to build in mexico in my hometown. so i put $1,000 into that account and i bought some clothes and went to the strip club and fucked the hottest girl there.

wait what.

her name was selena.

was this in mexico or here?

in East LA amigo.

wait wait you can fuck the strippers here?

many laughed so hard he started hiccuping. yes amigo!

how much do you have to pay?

$500, $600. she takes you to a little room. theres no bed, no couch. its just a little platform with some cushions. but its enough privacy and safety that you can do what you want to do. and i did everything.

everything?

everything, ass, mouth, i ate her out. it was exelente.

i paused and said, manny, am i a germaphobe? am i a prude? i dont think id go down on a stripper. ive kissed a stripper once in vegas because she had this tongue piercing and i kept staring at it and she said buy me a glass of champagne and you can kiss it. so i did.

same thing, my friend. these girls are no dirtier than the ones you’re already kissing. i ate her out good and id do it again.

so what kind of bar are you saving up for?

a strip club.

are there no strip clubs in your hometown in mexico?

yes, but they’re all crowded. we could use another one.

and your wife would be ok with this dream of yours?

she knows who i am. just last night i was fucking her and my son was on one side of her and i was behind her but i didnt care. she knows im wild. i am wild. but she likes the money i make here and she likes the house i built for her from money from that old man. and she knows this bar will be what gets us a bigger house.

but you just built one!

si, but to be honest tony we learned a lot building that house and i will never start from scratch again. the next one will be a house thats already built and i will just add little things to it and rent out the house my wife and son are in now.

we were going to the mall next to the race track. manny was hungry.

where do you want me to drop you off?

the cheesecake factory.

but of course.

trust me i have not stopped thinking about her

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her name was Bella. she tried to kiss me last night from my back seat not long before the ball dropped.

i picked her up around 11pm in toluca lake in front of a crowded bar. her former boss, a woman, was drunk and needed a ride home to pasadena and Bella was being so sweet.

the whole way to Pass the drunk ex boss was all, “Bella i feel so guilty, you’re so young, you should be out there, im so embarrassed you are coming with me.”

and Bella was all, “Martha, you hired me. you promoted me. you were alway the best boss to me. it’s ok. Tony here will take me to your house and take me back. It’s my pleasure to do this. You would do it for me too.”


which is all true and this is just another reason women are so lovely.

dudes would draw a dick on their friends face with marker and call him a pussy and toss him into the uber and give the wrong address. but there they were: two slurring women hugging each other as we sped east down the 134 through Glendale.

dropped Martha off and Bella started confiding in me saying she was sad because “the boy ive been talking with said he couldnt make it to the bar tonight, and i’m sad. i really like him. he’s the hottest guy at [big company].”

i was talking to her while peeking at the rear view mirror to try to judge how hot she was, but I intentionally try not to look at my female passengers at night because I have enough problems as a Libra falling in love with people instantly.

let me ask some questions Bella, if you don’t mind.

yes please, Tony, she said. By the way she called me Tony at the end of every sentence. a tad annoying but whatever. it was 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and i was making $46 because of all the nights a year you make reasonable money, new years eve is one of the top three.

have you been on a date with him before?

define date tony.

you arrange to do something, he picks you up, you do the thing, theres some sexual tension when he drops you off at home, if you’re lucky theres a smooch and then you tell all your bffs immediately what you want to name his babies.

we did have 1 date, at a brewery, and there was a kiss, tony.

when was that?

two months ago.

i hate to tell you this Bella, but handsome boy has too many options. thats why there hasnt been a second date and why he didnt wanna go to toluca lake for nye.

and she started to cry.  fuck.

through the sobs she told me shes 25, lives with her immigrant mom, and feels like she is behind her friends and The World.

i was all, bella, it’s not a race. also, do you wanna be a 30 year old divorcee with two kids? there are worse things than being an incredibly big hearted 25 year old in the back of the greatest uber in LA

she laughed and blew her nose into the jack in the box stack of napkins i handed her.

do you have cats, Bella?

yes! yes i do tony!

ok if your cats are fed and snoozing across the room and you are on the couch and you want them to come to you and lay on your lap, and you call them or scratch the couch pillow next to you do they come?

no, tony.

do they come if you haven’t fed them?

sometimes tony.

you cant feed these bitch boys baby. let this pretty man starve a little. stop telling him about places youre gonna be. stop inviting him to go hiking, thinking youre gonna lure him in your Alo pants. every girl has Alo pants.

i have Lululemon, tony.

i paused imagining that pretty voice in canadian seethru pants.

do you know what im saying Bella?

but tony what if he never texts me again?

Bella, we live in the second most populous city in the united states. what is your background?

i’m Salvadorian.

do you have any kids or an ex husband?

no.

no offense but what? do you know rare it is for a beautiful 25 year old Latina to enter a dating  situation with no kids?

she started crying again comparing herself to the others.

no need to cry. you have an advantage over all the chicas. you dont see that when you go to Latin clubs?

i dont go to clubs, tony.

well promise me in 2024 you will. because you will get eaten alive. in the best way.

and we pulled over in front of the bar.

by the way, the entirety of the ride back she was leaned forward in that back seat, she kept bumping my side with her hand because she wanted to talk closer to me. occasionally she would say sorry if she hit my side hard.

i was wearing my covid mask.

at the curb she didnt leave that position. very close to me. she tried an awkward hug but mostly got the back of my seat. then she kissed at my face but pecked 89% mask.

i turned around to her.

trust me, dear reader, if anyone was overdue for a smooch at that time it was yours truly. i havent gotten a good old fashioned sloppy one since my last gf. years ago. its been quite the dry spell. but Bella was slurring, clearly emotional, and trust me, i know what i could have said to have gotten a tiny bit of action on one of those tree lined side streets off Riverside Drive.

but thats playing with fire.

so when i turned around to her, she retreated and laid back in the seat so i could get a good look at her for once and holy 2024, fresh face, beautiful hair, well pressed blouse and a pair of oversized Ann Taylor slacks you’d see Lauren Bacall wear with a blazer and no shirt.

she was dressed to get kissed.

and here it was 11:45pm and her body language was saying come here dummy.

i said holy shit bella youre a knock out. here’s the business card to my podcast. my email address is on the bottom.

next week i want you to go to a latin club in this exact outfit, and go alone and dance and speak spanish and if you are not the princess of the dancefloor with every guy in a cowboy hat sipping Modellos. and if they don’t all swarm you and fight over you, email me and tell me im an idiot.

youre not an idiot tony. and she leaned forward and took a picture of the business card and tried to kiss me again but i gave her mask.

she plopped back in the seat and pouted.

i could smell her ariana grande Ari perfume as i waved good bye when she finally slid out of the car. i waved but didnt look back because looking is what leads to these stories ending forever.

no tip from martha.

can i tell you how happy i am?

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im on top of the world

i drove great yesterday i drove great today

one ride was bad because he rolled down his window and we didnt talk for an hour

it was so boring i had to keep pinching myself from falling asleep

but because im the luckiest man alive i got a ride back to two blocks from my mansion

with a black model whose family is from nigeria

i told her she needs to call dov charney at los angeles apparel bc i dont think they have any black models and shes superblack its nice

all the other rides were delightful

accidentally was at the forum when the wrestling match let out

i thought it was going on later in the night but no

got a ping to go to the sizzler over there so i thought i was safe

but that intersection was jam packed so at the stop light i called and said where are you wave your hand

for some reason she was looking the opposite direction

so i said turn around and as soon as the light turns green RUN to the benz at the cross walk

it was hectic because it was this mexican mom, her adorable 6 year old daughter WHO KNEW EVERY WRESTLER THERE, and her sister

they told me they dont run.

it was hilarious.

i laughed at their funny jokes. they laughed at mine. we had the kid telling jokes.

when i dropped them off i said ok annabelle, stay in school, dont do drugs!

the mom nearly fell over laughing

aphantasia girl

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her name was alice, chinese, 27 looked 20, waiting at the dennys about a mile away from LAX

it was 10pm. it’s the end of December. do you know where your dreams are? 9,000 people were scheduled to arrive at the airport either coming back from Christmas with family, or jetting to LA for New Years Eve.

lyft was offering a bonus bribe of $10 on any trip out of LAX, bc its a shitshow and surely they added that to the fare.

the rideshare waiting lot is usually filled with 100 cars of chainsmoking men who dont really wanna drive but for sure dont wanna be home with their families. so they sit there for an hour for a $20 ride to hollywood which will take them another hour. so sit there an make $10 an hour gross?

gross indeed.

upstairs in the horseshoe it was bumper to bumper because lots of people’s friends came to pick them up like good friends do. but do us all a favor. just pay for your friends’ uber. youre making things worse.

so i had this plan to drive just barely outside of area that would get me into the uber waiting lot queue. over by the rental car places. this way i could get all the pings that weren’t coming solely from the airport, and maybe someone dropping off a car.

it’s hard to explain but these little scraps of trips can turn out very profitable around the airport bc, well, the airport is where you get fucked. the hotels the rental cars the terminals itself. everyone is trying to suck as much out of you because you had the nerve to use an airplane to gtfo. cabs busses uber and lyft are no different and there was a time airport rides were The ride to get with rideshare but the companies made damn sure to end that gravy train real quick, maybe in hopes people wouldnt camp out in the waiting lots and drive around.

but control is an illusion. these drivers fucked up and got married too young or to the wrong woman or they hate their kids or they hate driving in LA so now they sit in that lot as pollutants rain down on them and time drains through the hourglass.

i sat in the benz for about twenty minutes on a dirty side road littered with potholes next to a couple of guys putting together their homeless tent and bedding for the night while it drizzled. i declined one bad offer after another. $5 to go to inglewood, $7 to go to hawthorne, $15 to go to dtla. love you too uber you so and so.

because it was so slow ,i only wanted long trips for big money, which is the only thing that woulda gotten the angry dads out of the lot too, so it was a stalemate of sorts.

which is why when alice’s ping came through for $45 to go to ontario i said hell yeah and nearly knocked over my super big gulp.

is ontario far? yes. but at that hour the eta was just over an hour. for reference, sometimes it takes me an hour to get from LAX to hollywood for $25, so… hell yes.

alice was peppy, sweet, borderline adorable and so full of life. she flew down here from frisco to go to a rave with some of her friends who would meet her at their airbnb

why was she at the dennys? uber wanted to charge her $400 when she opened her app up in the airport. so she figured she’d walk out of the airport and past all the hotels to the dennys.

as denzel washington said in training day: my n word

she was talkative and vulnerable and we were getting deep even before i made it over the 405 via the century freeway east

i asked sheepishly, so when you say you’re going to a rave, alice, are you one of those straight edge girls who are just there for the music and the plur or are you down to lose your mind on party drugs and dress up skimpy?

she giggled and admitted she is not at all straight edge.

“gosh do i look that innocent?” she said turning the light on her iphone and checking herself out in my backseat window.

before we got to the 110 we had already agreed on several things. the top was she should definitely move to australia to get away from all the dramas happening in her life, namely her demanding family. weird friend group. and lack of a mans.

if i was a million years younger i woulda humorously cleared my throat, but come on america, alice was sneaky hot.

then she told me about this rare condition she has and i was all i wish we were driving to ontario canada because it became so interesting as she told me about

aphantasia

she admitted with zero energy that she has no inner monologue and she cannot visualize anything.

“so if i say, ‘think of an apple,’ you can picture one, but i can’t. i know it’s green or red, but i can’t see it. stupid, right?”

alice, this is precisely why i drive a car in the middle of the night to the middle of nowhere in the LA winter rain. do not stop telling me everything.

she said, i also can’t solve problems in my head. so if i am at work, and someone asks me something hard, i will say, let me think about that, and i will put my head down but nothing happens. i shut down. im not thinking. im not feeling. im nothing. like a computer that has been unplugged. or a playstation on pause.

i said, alice, how can i phrase this, first of all, you’re incredible. i’m bursting with questions. my head throws raves normally, but now you have poured a bucket of lsd on it.

so my question is, have you ever had a boyfriend?

yes.

so when you kissed him, what would go through your mind?

nothing.

do you dream?

yes but i cant see anything.

so you’ve never had a nightmare?

i’ve had nightmares.

you’re amazing i told her.

i am happy you think that. so many people don’t take me seriously and i haven’t been able to find a therapist who can help me with issues that are unique to this condition, because only 6% of people have this.

way too quickly we got to the oddest airbnb because it was in a little suburban neighborhood with no trees because it was all new, row after row of the same looking tall narrow homes

i gave her my card and said,

take me with you to australia when you go. i’ll bring snacks.

—
$11 tip

someone told rembrandt the hardest thing to paint are hands

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so he made sure those were the best parts of his paintings.

uber dares us every weekend to take 80 trips.

they bribe us with $200 or $170.

this week it was $170, which is a rip off but i look at it as reimbursement for the gas i use.

i did 28 trips on friday, 30 yesterday, so i had to do the rest today.

started off STRONG. 15 trips in 2 1/2 hours. but then they refused to give me any short rides for a long ass time. i went an hour with zero trips as i slunk around highland park, echo park, and silver lake.

when i arrived in hollywood the only trips they gave me were little ones from the hotels to the Hollywood Bowl. Willie Nelson is celebrating his 90th birthday there this weekend with two shows and tons of guests.

typically drivers avoid the Bowl bc traffic is like quicksand over there.

but i needed 5 trips so i said fuckit, since it was still 2 hours before showtime.

these fans were so sweet. mostly southerners who flew out here for the weekend. older. kind.

i did three trips and then the traffic started getting gnarly so i stopped taking them.

ended up driving the prettiest half black girl ive ever seen to a “day party” at the Penthouse club, which it turns out is the old Club Lingerie. damn she was pretty.

final ride was two Black women going to Lucky Strike becuase it was open mic for singing.

got home, did some work on the podcast and if Jordan has this week’s episode ready for me i’ll do that tomorrow, otherwise i may go see a movie. its been a while.

tomorrow will be a challenge

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tomorrow is new years eve.

i havent driven all week because theres been no demand and the prices are super low. so ive been cleaning my apartment – not very well – but making some dents.

i dont like driving at night. i dont like driving drunks. i dont like driving in the rain.

tomorrow promises to make me $300-$400 if i do it right.

the problem is is it will be cold and rainy. so will people even be going out?

in order to make that sort of moola youve gotta work from 7pm-3am and average $50 an hour. To do that it has to be surging $10-$15 from 7-10 and then $20-$30 for the rest of the night. Will Uber allow that?

one reason i didnt drive this week is the low demand might be due to tons of typically employed people doing uber during the holidays for a few extra bucks. if those people drive tomorrow night, those surge numbers go down.

not because theres not demand, but because uber will decide they can take a bigger cut until the drivers log off.

the prettiest girl said the nicest thing to me today about that she wants me to write my uber book.

it would be the easiest book to write.

it would also be an easy netflix fictional series, based on the book, but different bc tv is a different canvas.

and just imagine the guest stars that could hop in the back.