didnt do shit yesterday, did less today

been coughing sneezing barfing.

needed an emotional rescue.

from somewhere beyond a pretty girl offered to be my roommate

“just friends” for the next six months.

i said, no thank you.

she said, i’ll clean your house and pay you 1/3 of your rent.

i said did that last year with jeanine and it turned into a year

and it was very uncomfortable for both parties involved.

while she was texting me that, the prettiest girl ive ever swiped on bumble

swiped me back

and we had a nice little conversation about astrology

and i thought to myself, if Putin was intercepting my phone messages

he’d think im the biggest stud in the universe.

but alas

just a dude in a robe and a toque

with wads of tp in his nostrils to stop the bleeding

from blowing his nose too much.

waiting for his thai food to arrive.