it’s pretty bad.

i think it’s called the Los Angeles Times.

These people have the opportunity to talk to and write about some of the most fascinating people in the world, and they dont.

All the coolest people in the world stroll through this here every day. Is that represented in the newspaper? no.

its the capitol of entertainment. is the Calander section that incredible? if it were, there wouldnt be soooo much room for variety, the hollywood reporter, the la weekly, and eonline.

but what do i know?

today they had me sending off spam.

apparently theres big money in penis enlargement cream and university diplomas.

it was my job to write fake-out spam. the idea was to make an email that didnt look like spam but that would make someone click it so that theyd go to the webpage, which of course would launch a half dozen pop up ads.

unfortunately i was a little too good at this, so sorry if i got you.

anyway the Times chose to interview me yesterday morning.

i caught a breif glace at it on the newstands today, but with all the fire down here, newpapers last about 10 seconds after the newsboys toss it from their trucks.

how have you enjoyed your stay in hell so far?

this is a terrible place. i hate it.

whats your favorite part of hell?

hmmm thats a good question. probably the freedom to be creative.

was it what you thought it would be?

sorta. i didnt think you would be able to eat so much, or that youd be able to have sex, and i never imagined it smelling so bad. fuck!

did you leave a will on earth?

yes, i gave everything to the united negro college fund.

what do you miss the most?

are you kidding me?

no, really, what?

ice cream.

are you sorry for the things that you did that brought you here?

yes.

how much?

lots.

you dont sound like it.

maybe you should listen closer.

what do you want to accomplish here?

i want to meet a nice girl and settle down.

sometimes i feel like im just chasing my tail.

1000 journals

of course you cant always get it up.

and your schween isn’t very big.

and most of the only girls who will do it with you have hair in the wrong places.

and bad breath.

and oozing sores.

and sometimes spare testicles

that ooze.

but it is sex.

only place you get to have sex, however, is in the sex palaces.

people pay big money to watch people have sex in the sex palaces, because it is the the strangest show in the universe.

everyone in the stands are given flame throwers.

if the fans don’t like the “performers”, they get to flame throw them.

the winners get flame thrown too, but the couple get to kiss first.

ive had sex twice at the sex palace.

the first time i got flamethrown right away cuz i couldn’t get it up.

if you had seen this “woman” you would understand.

she tried to pretty-up her donkey tail with a pink ribbon but her ability to swat away the horseflies was not only disconcerting but distracting.

first they laughed while pointing at me

then i was fired upon with a bukkake of flame.

i was allowed to beat off on the stage of one of the sideshow tents, but still i consider that sex.

terms change here.

there are 41 different words for agony.

theres a bunch of guys who run around telling you that they believed in God their whole lives, why would He send them to this pit?

and i tell them that i don’t know.

and these men cry right in front of me.

and i tell myself, it’s probably an illusion. your mind is playing tricks on you. it could all be a big fakeout. don’t trust don’t trust.

how do these people buy cotton candy here on the midway?

i don’t even have pockets.

or pants.

everythings on fire. i walk on hot coals and it hurts and my feet blister, but i just let the tears flow. it’s almost like photosynthesis.

the fire creates pain, the pain creates energy that gets released in locomotion and cooled with tears, which keeps the body moving.

its pretty fucked up.

the music is good though.

dan the goose

made her seriously reconsider some of her dreams, and i broke her spirits in a few places.

so then they sent me on the team that was working on the Associated Press.

the AP was deciding who was going to be their Female Athelete of the Year.

we didnt want Serena Williams to win. satan doesnt like it when young Black girls from compton step into the lilywhite world of women’s professional tennis and completely dominate in spite of her agressively original style, form-fitting outfits, and colorful family.

satan wanted the sexy swedish golfer annika sorrenstam to win.

he felt sorry for her that shes been so overlooked despite clearly being the most consistantly powerful womens golfer over the last few years.

and shes hot.

so it was my job to join the chorus of whispers into the ears of the associated press female athelete of the year committee.

some of the things i said were:

you cant name a black tennis player the athlete of the year.

if you give serena the award, youre also awarding her creepy parents.

serena’s too black and too proud.

how you gonna give a sista with dyed blonde hair an award? sheeeeeet.

you know venus throws the games against her.

steriods., the girl is on steroids.

of course big black girl like that is gonna beat the hell out of a little cute frail white girl like… jennifer capriatti.

dont encourage them.

didnt mia hamm do anything interesting this year? oh yeah, she got engaged to nomar, give it to her.

youre going to hate yourself when she poses nude in playboy in a few years.

liberal press!

didnt matter.

serena won by a landslide.

when we got back to hell, we were punished by having to watch the lakers lose to sacramento.

then we got jabbed at with long pokers that reached all the way into the heavens.

true boy

i had done well as a santa claus and then word got out that i was a writer when i was alive. so i got a new assignment.

before i knew it i had shrunk to the size of a gnat.

and then i got shrunk to half that size.

and then they turned me invisible.

and then they put me into the ear wax of a college girl.

and this is what they made me whisper.

youre no good.

youre too fat

youre too ugly

theres a thousand girls prettier than you

your boobs are too small

your zits are too big

youre not smart enough

you dont look good in your clothes

your scars show in your pictures

your daddy was right

you fuck weird when you fuck

nobody likes you

your friends only like you for your money.

you need to stop lying about having money.

you’re such a liar.

your car is going to die on you any day.

not even the lesbians want you.

youre going to be homeless soon.

you’ll never get married.

your sisters are so much cooler than you.

i had to do that all day.

i didnt want to do it but something inside me was making me do it.

the devil was making me do it.

i wanted to cry, but i couldnt.

arizona jailbait

kurt kobain here filling in for tony while he’s in h-e- double hockey sticks.

me and some of the angels took a little tour of southern cal yesterday to whip up a little photo essay love for your deserving butts.

then we got some of the cam girls together to show us what’s what.

enjoy, rejoice, be merry.

Blook sales were really good over Christmas. odd, since the author has been dead for a little while and since theres been very little advertising. there might be 5 more left for sale, so if you want it go get it. i doubt there will be a second printing.

happy holidays.

feel free to use the comments to send any wishes to Tony that you might have.

i plan on seeing him soon and i will print them out and hand them to him personally.

your pal,

kurdt.

made a lil photo essay for all of your asses.

Give ‘Em Enough Rope

Sony Records

Stay Free

(Jones/Strummer)

we met when we were in school

never took no shit from no one, we weren’t fools

the teacher says we’re dumb

we’re only having fun

we piss on everyone

in the classroom

when we got thrown out i left without much fuss

an’ weekends we’d go dancing

down streatham on the bus

you always made me laugh

got me in bad fights

play me pool all night

smokin’ menthol

i practised daily in my room

you were down the crown planning your next move

go on a nicking spree

hit the wrong guy

each of you get three

years in brixton

i did my very best to write

how was butlins?

were the screws too tight?

when you lot get out

were gonna hit the town

we’ll burn it fuckin’ down

to a cinder

cos years have passed and things have changed

and i move anyway i wanna go

i’ll never forget the feeling i got

when i heard that you’d got home

an’ i’ll never forget the smile on my face

‘cos i knew where you would be

an’ if you’re in the crown tonight

have a drink on me

but go easy…

step lightly…

stay free

i was greeted by a man in a Santa suit with a clipboard who extended his white gloved hand who said, “welcome to Hell.”

i shook his hand and a buzzer went off in my palm.

“i dont have time to give you the grande tour, my apologies, we have to get you suited up and we dont have much time.” he said.

i said a little prayer as we wound our way through the dark caves lit by torches and occasional flourescent tubes.

no need to pray down here, we can read your mind, and the prayers only go on your permanent record and used against you in nasty little ways, my guide esped to me and led me to a giant cave filled with Santa Claus suits.

quickly i can tell you the purpose of Hell, it’s not to punish you, it’s to torment the Creator. tomorrow is His birthday. it’s our assignment to water it down, to trivilize it, to ruin it, to distract people’s thoughts, to do everything we can to take the Holiness away from it and make it seem like a child’s birthday party.

but it is a child’s birthday party. it’s Je–

my mouth was zippered shut.

we dont say the J word down here.

my mouth was unzipped.

Xmas isnt just a child’s birthday, it’s a lot more than that, pastor, dont be coy. yes it’s Someone’s birthday, but we dont want it to be about Him we want it to be about every other child in the world Except Him. comprende?

i nodded.

Santa Claus is the greatest acheivement of Hell. we have successfully intergrated our fake-out on the entire planet. anywhere you go you are more likely to see a picture of the white jolly elf than the Creator of the Universe. even in Latin America where people name their children after the Messiah you will see Santa. Even in Bethlehem, even in church.

within minutes i was in the familiar jacket, boots, gloves, fake beard and cap. and i was loaded onto a bus and before i knew it i was back on Earth.

Home.

i couldnt speak the words that i wanted to.

i stood outside a shopping mall ringing a bell. people put money into my cauldron.

all i could say was ho ho ho.

because it wasnt Hell, i was capable of saying Merrrrrrry Christmas, but it was an ironic one. A celebration of theft. I thanked people for their money. It wasnt going to the poor or the sick or the needy. It was going to Hell. my new home.

after lunch i was collected, my money was counted and i was reassigned to the throne inside the mall where little kids sat on my lap and mothers cooed and fathers smiled for the first time in a long time.

pictures were taken and little kids told me what they wanted and i lied and told them that they would get everythign that they wanted.

were you a good little boy this year?

yes, Santa.

were you good to your mother and your father?

uh huh.

were you good to your brothers and your sisters?

i was good to my sister, but i dont gots any brothers.

did you clean up your room like a good boy?

i dont gots a room, santa claus. i sleep on the couch.

the little kid laughed like it was the silliest question ever.

i just wept.

but theres no crying in the Santa suit.

all that came out was ho ho ho.

don’t: look, it’s tony pierce.

tony: wow, i was just signing off

don’t: that would be dumb.

don’t: 🙂

tony: i have to write about Hell

don’t: tony doesn’t like me anymore.

tony: don’t doesnt like me any more

don’t: i don’t even get exciting e-mails anymore like i did for that day.

don’t: it was like a one night stand.

tony: you shouldnt feel bad

tony: its not you

tony: ive just had a few bad online relationships

tony: recently

tony: as in Very recently

don’t: what does that have to do with me.

don’t: nada.

don’t: listen.

don’t: i got my airplane tickets today for l.a. i’ll be flying into lax january 13th. i’ll be there for 4 days and then i fly to maui. we should sit down and do that interview, wouldn’t that be fun.

tony: all interviews i do are on aol

don’t: that’s weird.

tony: not really

tony: that way if someone tries to make me look dumber than i really am

tony: i have the interview that i can put on my site

don’t: i thought the perks would be more appealing.

don’t: hm, okay.

don’t: i offered.

tony: what sign did you say you were?

tony: taurus?

tony: the bull?

don’t: right.

don’t: yup.

tony: isnt the customer always right?

don’t: which one of us is the customer.

tony: mememememememememe

tony: whats the problem with letting me do it the way i want to?

don’t: okay, i didn’t know you had such a problem in social situations.

tony: im a master of social situations

tony: and im a good interview

tony: why dont you want me to feel comfortable?

tony: why do you want me to be misquoted?

don’t: you’re not comfortable meeting people in real life?

tony: misunderstood

tony: i dont think that people who know me through my writing

don’t: you could sit across from me and answer the questions on paper and we could pass it back and forth.

tony: will like me as much in person

don’t: what do you have to lose, i mean, you said i’m hot.

don’t: even just to get a peek at the cleavage.

don’t: or the ass even.

tony: i thought we were talking about an interview?

don’t: well, we’d be naked and everything.

tony: you will come here and get naked and interview me?

don’t: no, i couldn’t interview naked.

tony: why?

don’t: i would feel dirty.

tony: whats dirty about your body?

don’t: hah.

don’t: hey, i’m asking the questions.

tony: good luck with that ideal

tony: why do you want to get naked for me?

don’t: i don’t.

don’t: i want to sit across from you with a tape recorder.

tony: why is my voice more important than my words?

don’t: because i’ll be in l.a., that’s the only reason.

don’t: so, why not.

don’t: four days.

don’t: f o u r

don’t: 1 2 3 4

tony: where are you staying?

don’t: hotel, my sister is coming with me.

don’t: but.

don’t: laksjdf

don’t: woah.

tony: what sign is your sister?

don’t: taurus.

tony: twin?

don’t: nope.

tony: damn

don’t: do you know where the hyatt anaheim is.

tony: yes

don’t: nice?

tony: do you like disneyland?

don’t: no.

tony: thats all thats going on in anaheim

don’t: oh.

tony: do you like your pussy eaten?

don’t: are you going to answer me.

tony: i have never been to the hyatt anaheim

tony: im sure it’s fine

don’t: there’s supposed to be someone famous at the hyatt anaheim this week.

don’t: that’s not my question, dope.

don’t: we’re staying at the beverly hills hotel.

tony: tony robbins isnt that famous

tony: im #3 tony on google, he’s like #15

don’t: ugh.

don’t: sigh.

tony: i know

tony: im #4

don’t: how come you said you were in bad online relationships if you’ve never met anyone online.

tony: well, thats one of the problems

tony: she keeps teasing me

tony: telling me she will come see me

tony: then doesnt

don’t: than she’s bullshit.

tony: yep

don’t: detach your heart from the situation.

tony: i try

tony: i like her a lot though

don’t: how do you know she’s her.

tony: she had her brother make a little movie

tony: her on the phone talking to me

don’t: oh.

tony: crazy

don’t: hmm.

don’t: that’s not good.

tony: what isnt?

don’t: is it that pasty girl?

tony: all you girls are pasty

don’t: i’m not.

tony: show me more pics

don’t: k, hold.

don’t: i bet you deleted the other ones.

tony: not of you i didnt

don’t: you should.

tony: why?

don’t: shit, if they’re not going to end up on tonypierce.com than fuck it.

tony: they dont fit

tony: keep trying

tony: right now im writing about Hell

tony: and about Santa

tony: if you have pics of either of those things

tony: starring you

tony: then you might have a chance

don’t: i would need to re-start my other computer, transfer them to disk and get them onto this computer, you’re not going to make me do all that, are you?

tony: ive read that its impossible to make a taurus woman do anything

don’t: not true.

tony: whats the key?

don’t: that’s the secret.

tony: if you want to get me more pictures

tony: i will promise to stay on line

tony: i really want to write right now

tony: so it might be perfect

don’t: so, in other words…

tony: go get your pics

tony: i’ll be here

don’t: but don’t talk.

tony: dont you want to find out about hell?

don’t: no.

tony: dont you like my writing?

don’t: i like your writing but i don’t think i like you very much.

don’t: that’s the conflict.

tony: because you cant control me?

don’t: hehe.

tony: i will tell you how to control me

tony: wear a short plaid skirt

tony: knee highs

tony: sexy shoes

tony: lipstick

tony: and know what you want

don’t: well, i’ve been telling you what i want for 17 minutes.

don’t: it’s not working.

don’t: so, you’re right, everything you do write is a lie.

don’t: 🙂

tony: i gave you the secret and you piss on it

don’t: and i just proved your theory wrong.

don’t: okay, here we go.

don’t: here’s one of me with short hair.

don’t: don’t laugh on the inside.

don’t: connect with me baby.

tony wants to directly connect.

don’t is now directly connected.

don’t:

don’t: that was bad.

don’t: i should not have shown that.

don’t: that was sick and wrong.

tony: was that on your wedding day?

don’t: i wish.

don’t: oh!

don’t: here’s me being cute.

don’t:

don’t: i love those shoes.

tony: kulats

don’t: see, i’m not pasty.

don’t: yup.

tony: cant tell

don’t: bullshit.

tony: more

don’t: wanna see my boat?

don’t: no, nevermind.

tony: everytime you say nevermind

don’t: you want to hurt me bad.

don’t: real bad.

tony: no, a baby seal gets clubbed

don’t: i think out loud, that’s all.

don’t: shut the fuck up.

tony: its true

don’t: shhhh

tony: i have brilliance to deliver

don’t: i don’t show anyone my boat, feel special.

tony: i feel very special

tony: sorta

don’t: right.

tony: you have 4 more minutes

don’t: to what.

tony: till i have to write

don’t: i’m timed.

tony: 3

don’t: don’t doesn’t get timed.

tony: don’t wants to be the man so badly

don’t: so, which day should i book for personal tony time. the 13th, the 14th, the 15th or the 16th.

don’t: i can tell you where to meet me, you can show up freely.

don’t: if you don’t, i’ll know you’re a pussy.

don’t: and don’t time people, it’s dumb.

tony: my schedule isnt in front of me

tony: im a pussy about certain things, but not about meeting girls

don’t: i’m sure all four are open.

tony: everything i do is dumb

tony: dont be so sure

tony: 1

don’t: please stop.

tony: a good picture buys you 4 more minutes

don’t: i’m not a trick.

tony: dont project

tony: its called a compromise

don’t: a compromise.

don’t: i guess i just look at things differently.

don’t: hmm.

tony: -1

don’t: stop.

tony: maybe youve had all day to write

tony: i didnt

don’t: i haven’t.

tony: i had to make out with a beautiful twnty year old

tony: i had to feel her up

don’t: that’s just what i was thinking to myself about.

tony: i had to buy her mexican food

don’t: i should be working but i’m talking.

don’t: why?

tony: then i had to go to another girls house

don’t: because i want to.

tony: and feed her cats

tony: but the cats werent anywhere to be found

tony: -2

tony: then i had to drive on the hollywood freeway to go home

tony: and the phone rings a lot here

don’t: i still need to get myself off in shower before bed so don’t think you’re the only one with a full schedule, tony pierce.

tony: i dont beat off on sunday

don’t: are you going to answer me.

tony: so i have a double load here

don’t: or should i just give up for good.

tony: that sits and waits untill im done writing

tony: -3

tony: whats the question?

don’t: you know the question.

tony: 9 inches

don’t: seriously now.

don’t: should i just stop.

tony: probably

tony: i like girls who do as i say

tony: and give me pics

tony: and say sweet things to me

tony: incredibly easy

don’t: that’s a downer.

tony: -5

tony: whats so down about it?

don’t: because i figured you would want to meet me.

don’t: nice talking to you though, i really appreciate your time.

don’t: i guess i always miss out on the good ones.

tony: poor you

tony: -7

don’t: maybe you’ll change your mind.

tony: about what?

don’t: maybe it’ll happen in the next 2 minutes.

don’t: about being dumb towards me.

tony: -9

don’t: really, just no desire at all?

tony: to meet someone i dont know?

don’t: yes, i guess.

tony: i dont even go see the people i love the most!

tony: i live 2 miles from 15 friends

tony: i dont see them

tony: i have Blooks for them

tony: perfect excuses to see them

tony: its Christmas

tony: i dont see them

don’t: they’re not me.

tony: so dont take it personally

tony: fine, what makes you so special?

tony: do tell.

tony: writer girl

don’t: you can’t go wrong.

tony: in what way?

don’t: i’m well-rounded.

don’t: heh.

tony: you have a fat ass?

don’t: you’re just scared you might like it.

tony: i prefer fat asses

tony: oh yeah thats what else i did today

tony: gave a blook to a girl with a perfect ass

tony: at her home

tony: she looked incredible

don’t: did you touch it.

tony: she was sick

tony: i stayed on the porch

tony: hadnt seen her in 5 months

tony: maybe more

tony: stuck my arm all the way out

don’t: i’d love to hear more but i want to talk about me.

tony: gave it to her

tony: ran off

tony: she Was a virgin

tony: 25 yrs old

tony: professional

tony: D cups

don’t: ooo, d cups.

tony: perfect ass

tony: thick lips

tony: smart

don’t: sounds nice, wish i coulda gotten a piece of the coochie.

don’t: can we talk about me.

tony: ive ignored her for half a year

don’t: you’ve ignored me for 7 minutes.

tony: so, the question is,

tony: with that all said

tony: why should i meet you?

don’t: because you were looking for a don’t to fill that void.

tony: i told you what i liked

tony: you are saying thats not you

don’t: why do you have to be difficult.

don’t: why do questions have to be involved.

tony: im being easy as pie

don’t: why not me.

don’t: it’s stupid.

don’t: why the fuck not.

tony: cuz you dont want what i want

don’t: eh?

tony: i am old enough to know what i need

tony: and what i want

don’t: what do i want that you don’t want.

don’t: do tell.

tony: you want to be the man

tony: you want control

tony: you want things your way

tony: – 18

don’t: no, that’s just the way things happen.

don’t: that’s stupid.

tony: send me a picture

don’t: in the mail?

tony: now

don’t: testing me, i like it.

don’t: i’m not 19, i’m 23 remember.

tony: ok, im gonna go write now

don’t: i bore you.

tony: you dont listen

tony: say goodnight, don’t.

don’t: or took 2 minutes to write an e-mail.

don’t: you’re a dick.

tony: guilty

tony: if telling you i have waited all night to write

tony: and then spending a half hour with your pouty ass is being a dick

tony: then im guilty as hell

don’t: eh, i don’t give a shit.

don’t: i’m a better writer anyway.

tony: no shit

tony: you are

tony: i agree

tony: you make money off your shit

tony: all i get are girls who want to fuck me

don’t: my interview could have been called “pussy”

tony: too bad you dont have the guts

tony: ironic

don’t: the ones who talk about it are the ones who don’t get it.

don’t: the guts to what.

tony: to call it pussy

don’t: you’re not worth it.

tony: i offered to fly to LA to fuck him, he said he’d think about it, this is a story about a pussy

don’t: you could have been.

don’t: did i?

tony: -24

don’t: wow, i must have been slipped some roofies when i said that.

don’t: karma’s a bitch.

tony: <--- Christian tony: <--- couldnt give a shit about "karma" don’t: that’s why you don’t make money off your shit because you talk to people like they’re 4.

don’t: god, if i were 5 years old, i’d prank you.

tony: i dont make money off my shit because publishers wouldnt know where to put my shit

tony: prank away

tony: im going to write

tony: adios

don’t: right next to the autobiography of

don’t: i’m not done yelling at you.

tony: i’ll give you three more minutes

tony: im going to change your name

tony: and put this on the blog

don’t: no.

tony: gimme a good picture

tony: i truly dont appreciate people who dont appreciate my time

don’t: why would you put something on to distort our conversation and make me look like an ass.

don’t: i appreciate your time when it’s spent doodling with me.

don’t: see that!

tony: so youre admitting that youve been an ass to me for the last half hour?

don’t: because i’m offended.

don’t: i’m not an ass.

don’t: i never said that.

tony: unlike your interview of me, im not going to change your words

tony: so if you havent acted like an ass

tony: theres no way i could make you “look” like one

don’t: why would you put an aol conversation up.

don’t: like you’re not going to write a little snotty paragraph to go with it.

tony: im not drudge

tony: i dont need any snotty intro

don’t: do you have a deep voice.

tony: -30

don’t: answer me.

tony: deeper than youd think

don’t: i doubt that.

tony: say goodnight to the nice people now

don’t: no.

don’t: i’m not finished.

don’t: and neither are you.

tony: what do you want your fake name to be?

don’t: don’t.

tony: perfect

don’t: don’t.

don’t: seriously.

don’t: sigh.

don’t: please.

don’t: give me your phone number.

tony: why?

tony: you have it

don’t: not anymore.

tony: what happened to it

don’t: i wrote it at work.

tony: i asked you nicely to let me work

tony: i told you my circumstance

tony: you saw i havent been able to write all day

tony: 1 entry????

tony: so not cool/

tony: instead of saying, cool man, hit me up when youre done

don’t: sigh.

tony: you were all

tony: me me me me me me me me me me

don’t: i was born in may.

don’t: just right now.

tony: i know lots of people born in may

don’t: it’s not me mem em ememe always.

tony: angels

don’t: i’m a baby.

don’t: i’m the youngest.

tony: hey

tony: your time is up

tony: -36

don’t: do you realize that when you sign off on me, this is our last conversation.

tony: do you realize that i

tony: dont care

tony: or

tony: believe you?

don’t: oh.

tony: if anyone ever doubted that i am in Hell

tony: now they know the truth.

don’t: that was shitty to say to someone before christmas.

don’t: i’m sorry i made you feel like that.

don’t: i thought it was funny.

tony: if you dont let me write, i will print all of this

don’t: why don’t you just block me.

tony: why dont you just do what the person says will make them happy?

don’t: because if you don’t give a shit, just block me.

tony: because if i had blocked you, i would have never had this post

government monkey

what was different about this bus was it wasn’t a city bus like the others, this was a greyhound luxury cruiser. it raised my spirits cuz i figured they wouldn’t send a sweet greyhound for people who were going to end up in Hell. plus this bus said it was going to Springfield. i hugged kurt and climbed aboard.

it was a long way to springfield and as always i fell asleep within minutes of the gentle rocking in the cabin. when i woke up i saw that we were parked at the foot of a giant escalator at second and euclid next to a curious solar monorail .

after we walked through the mortal detector we were guided to the escalator and an angel held a clip board and as we got on he put a check next to our names.

it was a long climb, this escalator. i could see all of springfield, shelbyville, and much of capital city.

after a while i was above the clouds.

i reached the top of the ascent

and then, of course

i fell.

i tumbled and

hurtled and

somersaulted and

free fell and

plummeted

and

plummeted

and

screamed the whole way

and then

out came two angels.

name

tony

game

what?

none.

help me!

age?

109.

now isn’t the time to lie

119.

you’re going to hell, mr. pierce.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i was falling at a more rapid pace. the wind cut at me.

it was cold, but it was getting warmer.

don’t i get to be judged first?

you were judged as you got on the escalator.

but wasn’t God supposed to judge me?

He was The One with The Clipboard.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i was dropping at a faster pace almost like something was pushing me.

but i didn’t do anything bad!

everything you did was bad.

but i loved the Lord

then why did you download all that porn?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and gigs of mp3s?

i was falling so fast i could hardly breathe.

when was the last time you went to church?

frisco?

nineteen ninety-five.

that church was a joke!

then why didn’t you find a new one?

you found new girlfriends.

you found new jobs

you found new liquor stores.

you found new vices.

you found new whores.

i never paid for sex.

directly.

the angel who wasn’t saying anything stood next to a plummeting blackboard keeping score. underneath the word angel were several dozen hash marks. underneath the word tony there were none.

you devirginized three girls.

they were women.

they were angels.

the blackboard angel lifted his eyebrows, the talking angel nodded and sighed.

angels.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

didn’t you notice their perfect bodies?

three more hashmarks were added to the angel’s tally.

but i didn’t know!

you should have waited until you were married.

Thats not in the Bible!

one of them went away for summer vacation and thought she was pregnant and called you and you didn’t call back.

i told her not to call me that summer! i wanted her to get over me.

she thought she was pregnant.

she couldn’t have been pregnant, we used condoms every time.

she thought she was pregnant!

she wasn’t pregnant!!

i hurtled down ridiculously. almost as something was pulling me.

you never studied at school.

that’s a sin?

you wasted all of your talents.

that’s not a sin either!

it’s not a good thing.

a mark was added to the angel’s long line.

what are Jesus’s brothers’ names?

Josis, Philip… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

the one angel nodded to the other angel, three more marks were put on the board.

i can’t concentrate under this pressure!!!!!

sure you can, name the Showtime Lakers

Magic, Worthy, Byron Scott, Kareem, Rambis, Cooper, Coach Pat Riley.

see, you can concentrate fine, so what are the names of the three other brothers of the Messiah?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

you’re a minister yet you don’t know the Word. you write your own words, but you’re not interested in anyone elses. you memorize porn stars’ names, and not the real names of the man who’s heaven you say you want to live in for Eternity. you are what is called a Taker, a User, a Sinner, a Fool.

watch how the Fool falls.

i cried as i plummeted because i knew it was all true. as i tried to argue back my throat clogged up and tightened.

your sundays weren’t kept Holy. you kept your football schedule Holy, but that’s all.

another mark was added to the tally.

we hit the Earth with a painful slam and tunneled into its core. now it got hot and uncomfortable.

you didn’t honor your mother or father. you were the worst brother imaginable.

i never touched my sister!

you say these things as if you’re proud. “i never paid for sex, i never touched my sister.” do you think Heaven is for everyone who isn’t a total monster? no, its a special place for special people who have beautiful hearts and thoughts and deeds.

but.

didn’t you conceive a video game idea where you would cross NBA JAM with Mortal Kombat and have the basketball players fight each other after a hard foul?

but…

and didn’t you have a halftime bonus round where the halftime leader was given a rifle and for 24 seconds could shoot into the stands and pick off as many of the opposing fans as possible until a vendor, child, cheerleader, or mascot was shot?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

you’re a sick man.

what about the Grace of God?

are you Kurt Cobain? are you someone who lived out in the jungles of africa who never knew about the 10 Commandments but was of pure spirit anyway? no, you were a very well-educated, intelligent, highly capable Christian minister who squandered all of his talents unless it meant that it could get him flesh.

you’ll get plenty of flesh where you’re going, mr. pierce.

enjoy eternity where your heart truly resided.

and with a splash i landed hard into the scorching depths of the violently boiling Lake of Fire where i sank while my skin bubbled and burned off

hair on fire

muscles melting

i bobbed back to the surface, flaming,

swam with much difficulty as my hands pulled at the flames and not water

finally i made it to the shore only to discover sand so hot that the flames engulfed themselves

hothothothot i danced across the sand with no relief.

from atop boulders the crowds squealed with laughter and pointed as the spotlights followed me and the scoreboard spelled out my name and listed my crimes while the thrash metal ripped through the sky.

i ran to what looked to be a cold cold above ground pool fifty yards away.

i took long strides and cried with anticipation as i approached and then i dove

right into three hundred gallons

of ice cold

gasoline

which exploded upon my flaming arrival.

little green footballs