it means even your butt says wtf, fool?

you want to be sweet to your momma you want to be sweet to the illini you want to be sweet to the lady youre holding the door open for, but at some point you say fuckit youre all on youre own im going to where its warm and you shut the door and run for it.

yesterday it was blah blah blah below zero. numbers really dont matter because anything below zero is fucked up. today it was 40 degrees when the sun went down, which means when i make it to the buzznet meetup its gonna be below freezing.

you wonder how people can live this way but then you see the incentives – you can buy houses without having to rob banks, you can buy big houses without having to “know” someone, and you can have a little land around your house without living two hours away from the city.

and the people are the nicest in the world.

outside of that, you’d still have to sucker me to move back here, which i know hurts my mommas feelings but what can i say, i like wearing shorts, i like keeping my windows open as i sleep, i like chewing the air.

when i get back to a wifi situation as opposed to this dialup test of wills i will upload some of the many water towers that i have photo graphed.

im not exactly sure why they have water towers here in the midwest and they dont in the west but it must have something to do with everything freezing for 1/3 of the year. like a dipshit i left my ipod in my mom’s ferrari and this morning when we drove from my sisters house i turned on my ipod and instead of seeing the familiar black apple, i saw a sillhoutte of a middle finger.

but then luckilly it faded away as it defrosted so i could play my devil music for mi madre.

when we got home i popped in the Chapple Show season one on dvd uncensored and she asked me if he was popular in california, i said thats rick james! hes worth $50 million to comedy central and she looked closer and didnt see the value, insisting that i was worth at least $20 million if he was worth 50.

but what was shocking to me was my beloved Stratford Square.

when i was a lad it was the newest, coolest, hippest shopping mall in town. it was built so that the good people of Roselle, Bloomingdale, Itasca and Hanover Park wouldnt have to drive a whole 21 minutes to go to Woodfield Mall.

we saw all the latest movies and hung out there and met girls and ate at the Sabarro’s pizza. now id say 1/4 of the shops are empty and the JC Penny has lost its shimmer. my have the mighty fallen.

so if youre reading this and youre in the chicagoland area, we’re meeting at Uncommon Ground on Clark near Wrigley Field so come out and have a pint with us and if not, fine, i dont blame you, its cold as a witches tit and on Monday im going directly to the beach right after getting off the plane cuz this shits insane.

it is nice though seeing Ditka on local tv.

tim + paige + monique + after before and before after

trust me when i tell you that it’s not easy being my little sister.

throughout the years i did things like chase her around with knives, i threw her keys on the roof of the house, i vandalized her posters and magazines, i may have killed one of her dogs, hid a variety of things, listened in on a few conversations of her talking to her friends to find out if they had crushes on me, and continually lobbied to my mother that she was being far too generous with her. normal brother stuff.

but the worst thing i did was get born. and worse, i did it a year before she did.

i steamrolled through elementary school, junior high, and high school like a tornado. every teacher, student, and principal knew my name and either totally hated my ass or fell in love. and because we didn’t look very much alike, people would constantly say, “you’re tony’s sister?”

what little kid wants to be known as somebody’s sister? especially when she was an angel and i was far from that. look at that body language!

angie and i could not be more different. i was super good at sports and terrible at getting good grades, my sister was an honor roll student and a cheerleader. because of that there were a lot of clashes within the pierce household, and when my mom got a stereo the common war zone was the living room and the soundtrack was ac/dc’s back in black, which angie got for a gift and which i instantly purloined and cranked as loudly as possible every day for many years while she practiced her flute.

if there was a career in how to torture your sister i would be a zillionaire. i believe there were incidents of locking her into basements, closets, neighbors houses, cop cars. i remember certain moments where fellas would come over to court her and i told them they were at the wrong house. and of course there were the firefights.

and yet my sister stuck by me. probably because i never narced on her during some of the many stealth parties that she threw when my mom was out of town. and i was always there to protect her in the shadows of school, like any brother. not that she needed my protection, there was very little that anyone could have done to torture her that she didn’t experience in the safety of her own home.

years later my sister met the man of her dreams. and the funny thing was, i liked him right away. dave is mild mannered, smart, patient and still calls my mom mrs. pierce. thats respect. they bought a huge house. filled it with all the animals that angie loves, comfy couches, pretty much everything that she had in the barbie dreamhouse that i turned x-rated and then lit on fire but now it was full-sized and wonderful.

so what has my sister done lately? no offense to my friends with kids, but she and dave brought to the world the cutest little girl in the world. kyla joanne, named after my mom.

then they had the most mellow little boy ever, tyler, after the singer of aerosmith.

then they moved out of the dreamhouse and bought a bigger one.

when they visited me in hollywood, kyla was sick but never cried. it was amazing. i dont know what they put in her bottle but all that little girl ever did was look at you and smile and point at you and hold your finger and laugh. if she closed her eyes and started to get irritated, my sister and my brother in law knew exactly what to do. it was crazy. full on esp. they should write a book.

and it appears that that know-how has only been finetuned with tyler, or babybrother as everyone calls him.

so heres to my sister, bears fan, bulls fan, cubs fan, def lepard fan. her first concert, with me, was the jackson five, but then i think her second one was rick springfield at great america. if i was a good brother and ever called her, id know.

happy 23rd angie. i love you so very much. i love that you call mom “mother”, i love that you still live in the silly suburb that we grew up in. i love that you are your own person and nothing like me and a much better soul. i love that you let me steal your “back in black” back in the day at Christmas and never bothered me to ask to return it.

and i love that you are my sister.

my sister was in the paper yesterday + she has the coolest house in barrington + shes a realtor

i needed to know about life.

what i learned from the Karate Kid is you never know what you’re learning.

wax on, wax off may have been a brilliant scheme from Mr. Miyagi to get Daniel-san to clean up around his home and wax his car,

but in reality he was teaching the young ralph macchio, who was nothing more than a second-rate teen heartthob at the time, how to be a first-rate teen heartthrob.

often times i have found myself either editing the closed captions of mindless television, or putting together worthless excel spreadsheets as busywork, to writing reports for a supervisor who’d never read them,

and i said to myself, waxon waxoff tonysan, you are learning something that you dont even know youre learning.

youre building muscles and skills from this repitition that will help you in the future, so just do it,

theres a sensai at work whose training you oh-so subtlely.

and sometimes i think i was right.

pat morida, mr miyagi, and also arnold in happy days, passed away today, he was 73.

metafilter, as always was right on the story and printed this funny exchange from the classic film –

Daniel: Hey, what kind of belt do you have?

Miyagi: Canvas. JC Penny. Three ninety-eight. You like? [laughs]

Daniel: No, I meant…

Miyagi: Daniel-san… karate here. [he taps his head]
Miyagi: Karate here. [he taps his heart]
Miyagi: Karate never here [points to his belt]
Miyagi: Understand?

suburbia 75 + hainsworth + oceanaria + undercover in japan

to all my american friends and non-american friends who i hope had a nice day yesterday anyway.

i sat on my sisters overstuffed overly comfortable couch and watched their incredible high def plasma screen and let all that food digest and we viewed a bootleg copy of the last star wars on dvd and we played with the babies and i drank many Old Styles and i wanted to write on this here blog but sometimes the spirits whisper to take a break driver eight.

i did read a lot of what the blogosphere had to write and most of it was nice, even some criticism that i received on another blog that complained that the busblog was turning into a marketing tool for my book and for buzznet and i can see where that person could think that, but its not the case.

a personal blog, like this, is a reflection of ones personal life. for the first time i am able to actually write about my work. you have no idea how liberating that is for me.

even though my specific job at E! was a nightmare, i loved pretty much everyone who i worked for, but pretty much from day one i was nervous of getting fired, so not only did i dare not write about my job but i wrote about everything but. in retrospect thats a bummer because i did some very cool things there and met stars and enjoyed some relationships that i will never forget, but i could not give my bosses an excuse to let me go because my assignment with the xbi was essential that i work at a tv network.

similiarily as this blog got more popular and people kept trying to figure out the secret to its success, i didnt want anyone to think that because of my relationship with the entertainment industry that that was the reason that it was allegedly written well or popular, because it wasnt. i was never a writer at E! i never worked at their website. and no one from there helped knock this thing out. in fact every chance my bosses could, theyd discourage me from writing this during my government mandaded 15 minute breaks.

perhaps it was in spite of those bad jobs and unsupportive bosses that the earlier years of the busblog were more creative, but i didnt want anyone to get the wrong idea that it was because i was an entertainment network employee that the busblog was what it was.

i was also criticised this week for not writing about Sex as much as i used to – for turning my back on Sex Saturday, a busblog invention.

first of all, i dont remember writing that many sex saturdays. and talk about marketing, the only reason i even started that was because my hits drop off massively on saturdays and i wanted to give people a reason to log on.

but secondly after dating a lovely young lady this summer she put a terrible hex on me after we broke up and not only has my carnal desires been hindered almost completely but my ability to write about the fairer sex has also been cripled.

my mojo, as they say, has been stolen.

but i think i know how to get it back, so stay tuned.

finally, yes i am writing a little bit about my novella Stiff a tad on this blog. im sorry if it has turned off some of you, but i am serious when i tell you how proud i am with it. so many people write on their blogs or send me emails or comment as to how great of a writer i am. thats sweet, but i certainly dont think im a great writer, however i think that Stiff is the best thing ive ever written, or will write.

it is the best stories compiled to make one real novella. and in the end of it are all the best poems that ive ever written, and my best newpaper opinoin column from the famed daily nexus.

i have absolutely no trust in the well of creativity or in my ability to spin a yarn and so when i saw that i could compile Stiff the way that i did, with the poems and the cool covers, i went for it and released it early so there wouldnt be the Christmas rush that happened when i released How To Blog two years ago today.

so what would you do when you made the best thing youve ever made, and will probably ever make? you’d talk about it a little bit and tell those people who have yet to get it that if they like the busblog and the adventure tales and the sexy stuff and the wildness, then they really should send an email and make an offer cuz the shit is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

and in summary, Buzznet is a dream job come true, and im a lucky man and tomorrow i get to meet Chicago Buzznetters and Bloggers and for a man with as little self-esteem as i have, shaking hands with my readers and seeing their smiling faces and taking pictures with them does a lot of good for my soul.

so yes virginia im gonna write about that shit too. its not marketing, its not advertising, its not hype for the purpose to sell more widgets, its a documentation of the things that are happening in my life. dave navarro wrote about rockstar inxs and camp freddy and making out with carmen electra, tony pierce writes about buzznet and stiff and meeting canadian teenagers who want to go back to the hotel.

not everything is gonna be sexy on this blog. im not prince. im a dopey undercover superhero who flies a dumb helicopter and steals from crooks.

and right now im in my hometown where i spent kindegarten through highschool.

and tomorrow im going to see wrigley field and some people who you probably read.

i cant be all things for all people, so i will just be the dumbest ass i can be, because in the end i write this blog for me, for those very dark days. because in those moments its nice to go back in the archives and say, out out cruel demons look at what the Lord gave me that day.

and today he woke me up with the sounds of my three year old neice playing peek a boo with my year old nephew.

and with the dirtiest email from a college girl in winnepeg.

oh canada, please move to hollywood.

zulieka + the pants + cy-bervixen + etienne is backienne

click here for a glimpse of the midwest

and canada and mexico and trinidad and australia and europe and africa the motherland and the middle east and asia and all our ships at sea.

today as we celebrate the invasion and domination of north america it’s easy to be cynical and politically correct and genx and disrespectful… so lets go for it.

fie on our teachers who told us the kiddie tales of pilgrims and turkey and columbus sailing the oceans blue and having us put construction paper feathers in our hair and dressing up in orange and brown and working for the clampdown.

fie on our forefathers for being ruthless and treacherous and ignorant and fortunate.

as kurt vonnegut so perfectly wrote in breakfast of champions:

1492 the teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. that was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.

…

the chief weapon of the sea pirates however, was their capacity to astonish. nobody else could believe, until it was much too late, how heartless and greedy they were.

and thats why revisionist conservatives like the instapundit dont like kurt vonnegut and would never grow up to be a lit professor.

which we should all be thankful for.

so on this celebration of misery and gluttony, anti-vegitarianism, and highway accidents, a blossom has risen from the turd of shame: thanksgiving.

instead of pretending that we are grateful for this unbelieveable land that the Lord allegedly gave to us, we do have the option to review our real blessings and share some of those with our fellow man and woman.

i am grateful that i live in a city that is perpetually warm and dry. im grateful for the great jobs ive had and the ability to blog at them during my government mandated 15 minute breaks. im greatful that at my advanced age young women from around the world desire me sexually and men from around the globe wish to buy me drinks and shake my hand.

im grateful that i am here with my mother and sister and loved ones who find it necessary to wake up early for a thanksgiving dinner. and here it is 11am and my mother is pacing nervously as somehow we’re “late” so i must finish this up, but im grateful for her as shes given me everything except for my receding hairline which was donated to me by her father.

gravitas.

im grateful to live in a country who may have been jesusland a year ago but woke up from their drunken stupor and who if they had their druthers would run the GOP out on a rail for lying to us, sending us to war for no good reason, and then lying about their lies.

we may be a young country but we dont all love young country and we werent all born last night. or something.

im grateful that i live in a time where i can broadcast such messages across the transom and it reach all of your homes and im thankful that you’ll probably be back tomorrow. im the luckiest man i know, i know i dont deserve it, but i will take it and before i defile your sisters i promise to wash my hands prior and thank the Good Lord afterwards.

im grateful for rock band tsar, for all of my friends, for ac/dc, and for peer to peer technology which has given me the world on a platter. im grateful for blank media costing pennies per disc and im thankful for directv tivo and the kama sutra.

none of this could have happened without the Lord Jesus Christ who probably winces every time He hears my name but hopefully chuckles when he hears my prayers and perhaps will see through the blackness of my heart and allow me entrance into Paradise where i will host a danceclub best known for its urinating cherubs.

im thankful for my health and wealth and position in life. i know i could have been born anywhere at any time and as much as we kid being Americans, we are the most fortunate people on this planet, other than the scandinavians, and canadians, and trinidaddians, and hawiaans, so we should learn to help those lesser than ourselves.

and hopefully the next election we will learn how to help ourselves.

God bless everyone who reads this blog and links to it and talks about it and buys crap from it. i love you, i think about you always, and i hope that noone at your table chokes on a turkey bone, unless they really have it coming.

happy thanksgiving and may this year we bring some astonishingly excellent things to those less fortunate than ourselves.

matt welch + alecia + JaG + raymi + matt good

my mom came home for lunch and she brought a friend of the family who is an extremely successful businessman.

apparently when people heard that i was coming home, something i never do, everyone wanted to hang out with me, which is sweet, but secretly all i wanted to do here was hide out, do some laundry, take a few pictures, meet the Chicago buzznetters and bloggers and get the f out.

but best laid plans… and now ive met neighbors on both sides, old neighbors in our old neighborhood, people at my moms work, and a lady who makes my moms bagel every morning – and this is only day TWO.

so dude takes us to lunch at an ok restaurant and tells me that he reads the busblog “sporadically” because of several reasons that he will give me tips on later — uh, no thanks — and tells me that he hasnt yet purchased Stiff but will probably this week and says that he bets there are lots of potential customers that are in the same shoes that he’s in. so to speak, meaning they want it, ive got it, but theres something in the way.

midway through my soup i politely told him that i didnt care if anyone didnt buy my book, that i wrote it so i could give one to my teachers who i dedicated it to, and to my mom who i secretly dedicated it to.

he said, dont you want to sell a lot of copies?

i said, of course not.

he said, jo — my mothers name is jolene — he said jo, whats california done to little tony?

she said hes always been like this, and added, he buys USED clothes!

so dude says, the biggest shopping day of the year is about to happen, more sales are going to take place on Friday and Saturday than in all of the summer days combined. people will be looking for things that they want but they will also want GREAT VALUES. BARGAINS! then he asked me if i ever bought things that weren’t on sale.

lap dances, i told him. and winked at my mom.

but he was right, no, i barely bought anything, but never things that werent on sale unless it was a once in a lifetime situation. like a concert ticket, or bleacher seats, or a power adapter for my laptop whilest on vacation.

so he said, tony you have to put your book on Sale but you have to do it in such a way that people will feel good about the price.

i was all, if people are worried about price then they havent seen the value of the item so therefore price is irrelevant.

he said, true, to a point, but you see value of certain things like plasma tvs or corvettes or – and he looked at me – good clothes, but you dont buy those things. so price does factor in.

have i mentioned i didnt like this person?

but then he presented his really good idea

so what you do tony is you let your readers email you with their Best Offer, like a Priceline.com for your book. if its a ridiculous price like $6 you say no thanks, and perhaps they’ll email you back with a better offer. if you can reach some sort of agreement you send them a bill and ship it out to them.

if you want, he said, you can even negotiate the shipping price, since i see you only ship things Priority Mail, bubba this is a book why not send it Media Mail for $1?

and to prove that even sorta horrible people can have good ideas, thats exactly what im going to do.

for the next 4 days only you can email me at stiff@tonypierce.com and make me an offer on my book. keep in mind that right now CafePress is offering unsigned copies for $19.08 plus shipping and im offering signed copies for $25 plus shipping. so if you want an autographed copy its a tad more.

also during this special timeperiod you cannot specify which cover you want – if you want a certain cover you have to pay the regular price. if you want the dealio price you have to take the cover i send you.

Also, realize i have some copies of How To Blog for sale too, so if you want both let me know and make me an offer, or if you only want HTB email me with an offer.

i will do my best to hook up every reasonable offer, my only stipulation is to be fair, be polite, and dont tell anyone how much you paid.

this is a four day sale only and i wont be able to ship them out till Tuesday at the earliest which is why this sale exists – and because dude had a decent idea.

the paypal invoice i will send you can be paid by credit card, check, or paypal.

now you cant say you dont have anything to be thankful for 🙂