when I was a kid the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend was a stoner chick with feathered hair and see through flannels worn down from use and reeking of perfume and resin.

she said she liked me but if she said yes she’d get her “ass kicked” and by that she meant that her dad didn’t want her dating a black guy, which didn’t bother me so much because in Illinois at the time that wasn’t all that unusual.

back then there were no black news anchors, no black quarterbacks, no black presidential candidates, and very few black kids in the suburbs, so I don’t blame her dad. too much. whats funny is I watched the dudes that she dated through junior high and high school and they were a long parade of losers dropouts and metal heads, some of whom were my friends and indeed losers. but the funny thing about racism, even mild racism is a dad might be more comfortable with a white loser who his daughter would break up with than a black guy who she would fall in love with.

at that point I decided that I would only date cheerleaders. If youre going to get said no to, I figured, it might as well be from someone out of your “league”. Crazy thing was, not many people were confident enough to date a lot of the cheerleaders in my school. I wasn’t confident either but I went for it, and a few said yes.

one girl’s dad was obviously not very happy about the situation and when I came to pick her up to take her to the movies he made sure to show me his rifles and animal heads hanging in his den. I didn’t see any brothas up there but I got the hint. And I never asked her out again. one day in homeroom she said, why haven’t we gone out again and I was all, I have a girlfriend in California who would get mad if I dated any cheerleaders.

when I moved to california being Black was a great thing. some girls went out of their way to date me because i wasnt the blonde surfer that they had grown tired of. fine with me. only problem was i was a virgin and i wanted to wait until i was totally in love before i wanted to have sex. they didnt care. they just wanted to see if the myth was true.

most of them didnt have much to compare anything to so they were all wow and i was all theres nothing there to be all wow about but they didnt know. nor did they care and i spent much of my junior college days doing everything-but with punk rock girls wanna-be mods and beach girls and the back seat of my cadillac, as messy as it was, got a lot of action.

so yes i experienced racism as a youngster, but the tables turned nicely after not too long and even though when i was younger and had to deal with the tangles of my thick afro and longed to be a surfer kid with blonde locks, it didnt take me long to see that who i was had its definate advantages.

too bad i had to move halfway across the country but whatever. like the man said everythings about location location location.

negrophile + dc thornton + cruftbox reviewed how to blog which is available for $19 + $5 s/h just email me

have everything against us but its cool, so do fireworks

and they end up ok.

sat in the car listening to randy newman and talking about the bible which is code for her friends read this so read between the lines.

wed be inside but time has a habit of flying whereever we go and so the game is to keep your eye on the clock because then it wont move so fast. i like to call it out which my belief says stuns it and it freezes and thats when you kisser but its a waste since its borrowed time in the first place.

some of you may wonder, whats it like to kiss every hot babe in hollywood and i wouldnt know but i would imagine that it must be odd if every new girl kisses slightly better than the one before her which is why you have to jump back a few spaces just to make sure.

her name is yolanda shes from yamacia, ya kiss em twice and ya datin.

sixteen feels like blueballs sixteen feels like seventeen and looks like a steamed up front windscreen.

yolanda likes airplane glue and a well placed boo and the crispy crack of a cold mountain dew.

she says im gonna get contacts soon and everyones going to freak out and takes off her glasses and lets down her hair and she seriously thinks that a hetero blogger can just sit there and not jump over the stick shift no matter how many dianetics pass by on the miracle mile

she says she wants me and i say stand in line she says she needs me i said desire is the root of pain she says whats a led zeppelin and i say lets get lost and she says lets make like robert frost and take the chopper one less traveled and i said what sort of man do you think i am and she says just live up to the lies,

or die.

born in september bloomed and rememberd

gave a hotfoot to gloom

and kissed my ass to dumbember

aint sure at all if the whole things a fakeout

wraps her arms around tomorrow

and breathes me in just like a flower.

JaG + sk smith + moxie + danielle

on this blog. now im being persuaded to do it from someone who just stoked me in the most majorist way that ive been stoked in a long time.

starting in a few weeks, los angeles, you’ll be able to read me every once in a while writing for the la weekly. yep.

our very own kate sullivan is the new music editor of the weekly and she asked me to interview one of my all time rock heroes, and it looks like that interview will happen tomorrow night.

and im so happy i could kiss every 23 yr old virgin alive.

even the hot ones.

then she called back today about a different story idea in addition to the interview.

then she called back today about a third story idea. and we she said, man it would be so much easier if you just quit your job.

and i said, no shit but you guys cant pay what the xbi pays and she said why dont you put ads on your blog, then you could write for us and blog all day.

to which i said hmmmm.

not in a “im thinking about this,” but in a marge simspon growling way.

then my new best friend, stuart, who is a big time tv producer called me up and said, whats up tony, and i told him what kate told me to do and he said, dude you really should put ads up on your shit. this is hollywood, everyone is such a sellout that you wouldnt be even considered a sellout compared to all the others.

so im tempted. and my dental bills are in the mail im sure. and if i get accepted to grad school theyre gonna want money and i really should start saving for that.

whatev. all i know is im on my way to be a real journalambist.

or a great fake one.

or a mediocre semifake one.

all i know is i want to interview the donnas one day in a mud bath.

then i can die knowing i had a full life.

cuz whatever this bullshit is right now is sorta ok, but it’s definately not full.

damn kitty bukkake has a great rack + jessica + vivian

who hasnt been kissed since high school.

step one: like her.

step two: be as patient as a cub fan.

step three: be really funny.

step four: have her admit that she likes you.

step five: take her to a cool restaurant and pay for everything.

step six: take her to the house of pies and when she says, “lets just be friends” laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

step seven: take her home and show her how cool you are.

step eight: dont follow any advice you read or wrote on a blog

step nine: tell her that youre going to kiss her and ignore her when she says no.

step ten: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. laugh when she says no.

step eleven: ask her if you can kiss her hand. laugh when she doesnt say anything and take that as a yes. crawl over to her and hold her hand and tell her how gorgeous it is. realize that no man has probably held her hand the way youre holding it since she was in a catholic school outfit back when she was in catholic school back in sweden.

step twelve: kiss her hand and hold on to it and kiss it again. and then again. realize theres a lot of nerves on the top of the hands. stroke her wrist.

step thirteen: ask her if you can make out with her wrist. when she says no, tell her that it’s not beneath you to make out with a hot chick’s wrist. keep holding her hand. notice her body language. if shes sitting there enjoying it, youre on the right track.

step fourteen: ask her if you can kiss her cheek. if she says no, let go of her hand and step away from the hottie.

step fifteen: as you watch tv tell her that the reason youre standing up and away from her its because shes so beautiful that you want to jump on her. see if she laughs. if she laughs youre getting close.

step sixteen: crawl over to her again. lay on her legs like youre about to get spanked. say “ahhh, isnt this better?” (hattip to fast times at ridgemont high)

step seventeen: make your way to her cheek. rub your cheek against hers. breathe in her ear. softly. kiss her neck. if she doesnt knee you in the nads, lick her neck.

step eighteen: tell her to hug you as you keep working on that neck. if she does youre almost there. see if she moans. if she doesnt move down to the collarbone.

step nineteen: move towards her lips. see if she’ll kiss you. if she doesnt wanna kiss her cheek and go back to the neck.

step twenty: give love to the ear lobe.

step twenty one: if the cd stops for god sake dont get up. keep working the lobe neck collarbone triangle. use your teeth gently. whisper things that make no sense. butterflies, jelly beans, knees

step twenty two: if she says “what?” look at her and lay one on her.

step twenty three: kiss her until four twenty am.

raymi is my favorite virgin + then bunny + then alecia

since i wrote the post “how to blog“, and thanks to many factors including the nomination for a bloggie, people are still commenting on it

witness

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though i disagree with your opines a lot, i still love and envy your blogging skills.

joe | 06.16.04 – 10:46 pm | #

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tony tony tony,

you have made me make the switch to blogger.

your blog rocks man.

-sam

Sam Shapiro 06.16.04 – 11:01 pm | #

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forever loving you, in that blog sort of way

sacha | 06.16.04 – 11:36 pm | #

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every day, huh…twice…

charles faris | 06.17.04 – 12:42 am | #

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Thank you, Tony Pierce.

mrzoink | 06.17.04 – 2:46 am | #

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so is tony pierce your real name?

kevin | 06.17.04 – 3:22 am | #

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i still love you tony.

i’m back.

tina | 06.17.04 – 3:57 am | #

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OK, I copied that shit and stuck it right there next to my monitor. We agree on that Raymi thing. If I wasn’t so bald and flat chested I probably would ripoff/mimic her. I’ll just have to settle for being inspired. k

Kevin | 06.17.04 – 6:38 am | #

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dear oz,

but i like to write about what i’m listening to at that very moment sometimes. it reflects my mood, my inspiration; it gives you a window into my ears, and a key to my heart. though right now i’m not listening to anything which means i just woke up and haven’t thought about clicking over to kexp.com to hear whats pumping. but see that should show you how special your blog is to me that one the very first things i did this morning was click right over to it to see what’s new. and if ever you want to share with the blogiverse what’s playing on your stereo/ computer, i’d think that was cool.

missie | 06.17.04 – 7:06 am | #

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loving it…

too late about the name and letting family know, though.

question: how do you get people to start reading your stuff?

(pleeeeeease don´t say “build it and they will come”!!!)

cheerio

andy | 06.17.04 – 7:37 am | #

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Rule #14 is so absolutely fucking true. I have a list of sites that need to be nuked over it. Heh.

Casey | 06.17.04 – 7:56 am | #

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I think I am a little obsessed with Raymi. Once again you have inspired the shit out of me Tony. I promise to post some pictures very soon.

The Deputy | 06.17.04 – 8:02 am | #

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Excellent advice. There are three I think I should be doing, including one for lack of balls.

And, the first four lines of #20 are pure truth. They clicked in my head after reading the busblog only a couple times a long time ago.

BH | 06.17.04 – 8:23 am | #

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Tony, I love your list but I think you are partly wrong on #14. I love it when people tell me what they are listening to so I can see what the deal is. Word of mouth on new bands. Like Tsar for instance.

kat | 06.17.04 – 9:34 am | #

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i’ll accept posts about new bands, or mentions of bands, but

wearing: a&f wifebeater

listening to: incubus “evenflow”

is unnecessary in my opinion

tony | 06.17.04 – 10:00 am | #

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Thanks for the advice.

All goodness. I’m off to blog.

J-Mo | 06.17.04 – 10:03 am | #

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yes sir

Bunnie | 06.17.04 – 10:15 am | #

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Thanks for writing this, Tony. There are so many immature people out there who need to know what a post should look like, and how to write. Blogging is so much about learning to express yourself better, every day. Thanks for the great instructions (and the kick to get us started).

Marisa | 06.17.04 – 10:54 am | #

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i violated rule #29 a few days ago.

i noticed you didn’t mention LiveJournal.

I’m curious what you think of those persons. Should anyone ever pay to blog?

(no no no no no…)

katzinjammer | 06.17.04 – 11:07 am | #

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LJ is for high school girls

freshman year.

tony | 06.17.04 – 11:21 am | #

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awesome.

i now love you.

katzinjammer | 06.17.04 – 11:22 am | #

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tony, i’ve been trying like hell for a week to get raymi in a box to send down to you. So far i’ve been in the hospital twice and i think i’m pregnant too.

I know i promised raymi but..

i think its easier to come get you and bring you to raymi.

if you see a very large bald guy trying to sneak up behind you, please don’t run. Raymi broke my leg.

ruzz | 06.17.04 – 11:22 am | #

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wearing: a&f wifebeater

*snort* bwahahaha

kat | 06.17.04 – 11:38 am | #

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When is UCLA going to start offering a course on blogging and when are you going to start teaching it? Stranger things have happened…

David | 06.17.04 – 11:58 am | #

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Excellent Advice.

Steph | 06.17.04 – 12:20 pm | #

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What David said.

tina | 06.17.04 – 1:58 pm | #

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The main way to get traffic to a new log is to comment, comment, comment.

Bottom line.

Ric | 06.17.04 – 2:01 pm | #

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Why are you so wonderful it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time ~

Sylkk | 06.17.04 – 2:08 pm | #

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heh..another Raymi fan. Cubs a sweep tonight?

Abrasivist | 06.17.04 – 2:19 pm | #

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wonderful. as usual. i miss you. xoxo

missmontreal | 06.17.04 – 2:23 pm | #

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Ric,

thats a good point. commenting is a very good thing to do to get people to know that you are alive and have a blog.

miss montreal,

regardless what you read on here, i miss you too.

tony | 06.17.04 – 2:48 pm | #

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the only thing i would quibble with is rule # 9

get your own goddamn sites you cheap bastards

pb dot c | 06.17.04 – 3:43 pm | #

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kat ill fuck u up

raymi | 06.17.04 – 3:48 pm | #

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never!

katzinjammer | 06.17.04 – 3:49 pm | #

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I know you are not all about it, but you could sell this post to magazines and such. Its great. I’ve read it like 10 times so far.

Steph | 06.17.04 – 4:06 pm | #

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im pretty sure the mags would edit out the cuss words, which is why mags are only good for the pictures.

tony | 06.17.04 – 4:20 pm | #

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Blogs = Rock-n-Roll

by Tony F’in Pierce

LJ is for pussies.

Mmmm, pussies.

Chork | 06.17.04 – 5:42 pm | #

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i wonder if tony ever gets tired of people kissing his ass in his comment box

franny | 06.17.04 – 6:22 pm | #

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no.

tony | 06.17.04 – 6:43 pm | #

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Thank you Toni! Writing evey day I think is perfect for #1. You’ll either get better or think it sucks and stop.

Don’t stop man, you rock!

Robin | 06.17.04 – 7:35 pm | #

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having people disagree with you and writing to prove them wrong makes for good material.

i’m glad people disagree with tony. and i’m glad tony writes for us. twice a day sometimes.

Chad | 06.17.04 – 9:51 pm | #

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franny, you ever think that maybe people say nice things because they’re thinking nice things?

Last link to him on my blog referred to him “spitting on graves” as I put it.

He’s a killer writer though and about the only person I can think of who can write a post like this without sounding stupid. It made me want to write, not just blogging but any kind of writing.

But, doubt the truth if you feel like it. It’s never the truth who looks stupid.

BH | 06.17.04 – 10:09 pm | #

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own my asswipeness… own my asswipeness… woohoo!

hooizz | 06.17.04 – 10:46 pm | #

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perfect.

god | 06.18.04 – 1:21 am | #

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I think you need to add one:

“Don’t post lyrics without comment. People don’t know the tune and don’t care to read lyrics on your blog that they can look up elsewhere.”

Ric | 06.18.04 – 7:02 am | #

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i was just wonderin’. no offense intended. i wonder the same thing about all the blogs that get lots of comments. i know people disagree here too.

franny | 06.18.04 – 7:20 am | #

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Oh, great. Just what we need.

Bullet-point inspiration for another generation of insipid hair blogs. “I fucking hate my hair. My dog barfed today. I love Sonic Youth, but only the stuff up to Daydream Nation, the rest is shit except for that new one. I think these new shoes are so bitchin.” Yawn.

OTOH, Tony, you put it eloquently, succinctly, and entertainingly – it’s instruction and inspiration enough for anyone doing it now to do it better, and for anyone still not on the vast blog barge steaming down the river of clues and keystrokes to climb the fuck aboard. Thank you.

Oh, and you’re linked now at LAVoice.org.

mack | 06.18.04 – 9:24 am | #

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anyone who disprespects Goo is a fool

tony | 06.18.04 – 11:00 am | #

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my socks have just been rocked heartily

robby k | 06.18.04 – 12:30 pm | #

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this is awesome. great advice to those starting out, and a great reminder to those of us who have been doing it for a little while now.

i need to follow rule #18 more often. half the time i forget, and that’s always when i’ve just written something i really dig.

anyway. good job.

lorie | 06.18.04 – 1:23 pm | #

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Yo, Goo sucked. No disrespect, yo.

mack | 06.18.04 – 3:33 pm | #

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kool thing?

dirty boots?

titanium?

some say that record was the best of the grunge years.

i wouldnt go that far but i’d say kool thing was their best single.

tony | 06.18.04 – 4:32 pm | #

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Just a bit THANK YOU!!!!

JustAgirl | 06.19.04 – 3:10 am | #

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true true true

especially number 25.

nongirlfriend | 06.19.04 – 8:45 am | #

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Great advice! I should have read this months ago!!

Greg | 06.19.04 – 9:04 am | #

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31. don’t use capital letters. this complete disregard for the shift key will reveal to the world your true rebellious nature.

32. tell people what to do as often as possible, as they are probably unable to think for themselves…this is especially applicable if most of your readers are girls between the ages of 15 and 21.

33. if you have no original thoughts, nudity is an acceptable substitute. the internet needs more jerk off fodder- that especially applies to readers finding themselves on number 60-something of a comment sheet.

34. all blogging software besides blogger is evil- especially livejournal. content is no longer the most important aspect of a good blog, it must first be powered by the software of my choice.

35. when your comment is this far down a list, you should copy and paste it into your blog. that way you will look as self-riteous as possible to as many people as possible.

36. monkeys really draw a crowd. get a monkey to write your blog if possible.

37. a three-day drug binge is sometimes the only way (assuming you channel burroughs) to arrive, via stream-of-conciousness, on the correct tangent.

38. logic is the enemy. no, wait, livejournal is the enemy. ok, the enemy list is still 1. livejournal 2. logic 3. clothing.

39. 4. the shift key.

40. all good lists end at 40, even if you have to tack on nonsensical jibberjabber to make it so.

dehumidifier | 06.19.04 – 12:54 pm | #

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I’m gonna post more poems now.

In your secret punkrock heart I think you want it that way.

dc | 06.19.04 – 7:51 pm | #

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there are already so many ridiculous “how to blog” lists out there, I wasn’t expecting much. But as I started to read your list I realized that this was no ordinary list. By the middle, I was captivated. By the end I had fallen in love with you, you creative-genius i love you.

Michelle | 06.19.04 – 8:19 pm | #

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I liked this one alot. I found you via Kitty, and then Lorie. I am a diaryland whore. I don’t exacly know how I feel about haveing a “diary” vs a blog. Spider.

Gumphood | 06.21.04 – 6:04 am | #

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don’t blog about politics. keep it strictly sex and religion. if you have to blog about politics, please don’t blog about whatever was on CNN that day. or the presidential race. unless it relates to sex and/or religion.

i thought we’d get more people self promoting on this comment thread. cuz what the world need’s now is a little more self promotion.

read my blog. my blog is the best. no capitalization, lots of stuff on religion, pictures, and i freely rip off tony’s style when i think i can make it work. if can’t, i don’t. if you can’t, you shouldn’t.

also, please don’t blog about your boring day job and how much you hate it.

krawdaddee | 06.21.04 – 1:06 pm | #

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I’m a comment wanna be. And I’m totally stealing this, (with appropriate credits, of course.)

Tom | 06.26.04 – 10:49 am | #

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All true!!

Awesome post and yes, I’m linking directly to this. The world has to know!!

Esther | 06.28.04 – 3:09 am | #

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Perfect. I’m beginning to feel like I’ve found my blogging pace and this post brightens the path ahead.

Ryan | 07.02.04 – 12:40 pm | #

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Hello, Toni.

Thanks for writing this. I post an adaptation to spanish…

Miguel | 08.03.04 – 11:32 am | #

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Hey tony,

Great stuff up there! I;m gonna link, link, link and link some more from now on!

Cheers,

tim | 08.26.04 – 3:09 am | #

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Haha, to think mine is completely and solely a poetry blog! All your

precepts are so worth not following.

Gob | 09.08.04 – 10:19 am | #

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so, so true…

Harmony | 09.23.04 – 4:43 pm | #

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One thing about writing about sex….gave me a great adrenaline buzz. I wasn’t sure I was really writing about sex, though. Thanks a lot, anyways.

Blade | 10.03.04 – 6:22 am | #

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thanks for your ideas. I agree with most. I’m just learning to blog, and your thoughts will help.

Rod | 10.20.04 – 7:42 pm | #

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LOVE IT. I saw not one, but TWO links to you today that said you were one of the all stars…

It’s about time I embrace my asswipeiness!

Thanks.

From one asswipe to another!

lol

@

annette | 11.12.04 – 9:55 pm | #

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Great post. Right on the money across the board.

Except for one thing.

Raymi? I checked it out. Self-indulgent crap, top to bottom.

Sorry if you are secretly she, or if you know her or whatever. But, hey. Truth’s Truth, and there ain’t no dodging it no how no way.

mr strauss | 11.15.04 – 9:26 pm | #

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Wow. You make it sound so easy. Cheers. Tim

Tim Campbell | 12.06.04 – 1:17 pm | #

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Is this a living blog? If writer is still maintaining it, please get back to me. I want to ask certian things. Thanks.

Shirazi | 12.27.04 – 11:07 pm | #

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I think you should keep a link to this on your front page for ETERINITY.

I still find myself checking it periodically to remind myself of what I shoudl be doing, not of what I am doing.

BigDubb | 01.04.05 – 12:45 pm | #

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Thanks for the inspiration and very nice tips

anom | 01.06.05 – 1:04 pm | #

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Thanks for this. I needed it. Are you still there?

Shi | 01.08.05 – 8:52 am | #

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I love your blog. And your article and book have inspired me (like so many others, apparently) to clog the www with yet another blog. Hopefully a few of them will be mildly entertaining. Thanks for the advice and for pouring out… well… for pouring out whatever it is you pour out in the busblog.

reverse_vampyr | 01.08.05 – 9:23 am | #

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“nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to.”

so, why do you tell us about the book you’re reading?

xieta | Email | Homepage | 01.28.05 – 2:50 am | #

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Fanfuckingtastic post, lots I agree with lots I don’t!

Silver Sheepz | 01.28.05 – 11:40 am | #

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Hail my unseen blogging Guru!

I don’t see the point about poems, though.

Neil Padayatty | 01.28.05 – 11:42 pm | #

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I just came here from the bloggies. That was just fucking awesome. Exactly what needed to be said.

Jeremy | 01.29.05 – 11:35 am | #

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Excellent, helpful advice. Thanks!

Jenny | 01.29.05 – 12:09 pm | #

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Cheers,

I appreciate the straight up writing. I’m new to blogging and this html business and posts like your own are a great help (plus a bloody good read).

Merci

Greg | 01.29.05 – 2:11 pm | #

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Great Stuff. Thanks and good luck in the 2005 Blogs

ridlydidly | 01.30.05 – 4:14 pm | #

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Thanks for those tips – very useful. Beautiful lies and public dreams huh – I like!

Molly Penfold | 01.31.05 – 9:34 am | #

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My blog has improved significantly because of this entry. I now write everyday and people have said that my style has become much more interesting and well written. Whenever I feel like I am going to be writing about some lame mundane details or have nothing to write about, I go to this entry for ideas and look at your other posts for examples. Thank you

Infiorno | 02.01.05 – 6:43 pm | #

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thank you and youre welcome.

why do i tell people what book im reading instead of what song im listening to? because i think people should read more books and talk about them.

we’re doing fine with music.

tony | 02.01.05 – 8:42 pm | #

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Thank for this awesome entry It has inspired me to blog myself.

Alex | 02.02.05 – 1:47 pm | #

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I have broken the rules about no poetry and no real name

But your post was hillarious!

Tanushree | 02.02.05 – 8:28 pm | #

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love the rules…even though i’ve broken a few. but rules are made to be broken, right? great list. thanks for sharing.

Jana | 02.03.05 – 7:33 am | #

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Tony — your rules (most of them) could be rules for writing anything … for being a writer. Awesome rules and a timely, knock-upside-the-head reminder for me. Thanks.

ps. my website is a WIP — I’m four weeks into a beginners webdesign class. So no judgements, please…

pps. Good luck with the bloggies (think that’s how I ended up here)

Jane | 02.06.05 – 11:07 am | #

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they just stand there proudly and glorious, varied and tropical.

they dont yearn to be oaks or miss their childhoods.

they dont whine to be transplanted or bitch when theyre trimmed.

parrots nest in their holey bits, ants march up their lower parts,

squirrels scamper, dogs piss,

tourists lean,

but theyre not mean.

o palm trees of foreign lands

watching patiently above the rock bands

who play on balconies next to the sea

o palm trees please talk to me

tony

palm tree!

youre nuts

palm tree!!

you need some rest

omg!

palm tree of the desert, palm tree of my dreams

palm tree of the summertime, palm tree of the forced rhyme

butterflies adore ye

so ignore the jealousy

of the maplewood, and the evergreen

and the wipporwill and the lesser trees.

but where are your coconuts

or bananas, where are your fruit cups

or fandangos

where is your toy suprise

wheres your blue eyes

wheres your hanging branch

for our tire ride?

oh palm trees of my day dreams

swaying gracefully in the heavy rains

never shiverring, always solid gold

soon you’ll make the best telephone pole

steve smith + ryan-mcgee + cat

tonight 2/4

ike turner, malibu inn

luna, el rey

berlin + bow wow wow, vault 350

george clinton, edgemar center

jose feliciano, cerritos center

leann rimes, roxy

atomic punks, 14 below

saturday 2/5

ritchie blackmore, wilshire theatre

briget the midget, the derby

cypress hill, vault 350

lewis black, wiltern

groovy rednecks, old town pub

sunday 2/6

the evens, mccabes

monday 2/7

night ranger + winger + la guns, key club

modest mouse, wiltern

soda and his million peice band, knitting factory

tuesday 2/8

TSAR – good hurt

modest mouse, wiltern

band sold seperately, 14 below

wednesday 2/9

kanye west, house of blues

herbie hancock, cerritos center

modest mouse, wiltern

gary busey, whiskey

third grade teacher, spaceland

candypants, derby

thursday 2/10

hank williams III, whisky

kid rock, house of blues

the evens, self-help graphics

knit and caboodle + vorsexia + perfect pear

people sit in my chair at my desk while im gone.

i find that rude.

where a man rests his ass should be sacred.

hot chick called me last night and wanted to talk dirty. i was cleaning up my house and wasnt in the mood. she said, come on tony youre usually great at this.

true, but i was preparing my casa for my virgin date tonight. so the conversation moved over to the haters in my comment box.

i told her that i have pretty good spidey senses and i can generally tell when theres an idiot leaving a dumbfuck comment, or a borderline fan who just wants attention and the other day it was the later so i didnt care.

she said what about the cub fans who are saying youre totally wrong about shawn green?

i said, sammy sosa, hottie, not shawn green. shawn green is a dodger. was a dodger.

she was all, im wearing your favorite stockings.

i said, people are free to have their opinions about sammy, id prefer that they wouldnt be so amazingly wrong about it but whatever, half this country voted for a chimp and would do it again. why do you think i drink so much rum?

she was all, how come you never clean up before i come over.

i said, cuz you just throw me on the bed and start biting too hard on my chest.

she was like, hahaha yeah.

the french doors were open and the wind blew the thin curtains over my balcony. a nightingale sang sweet songs of longing and a generator kicked on next to the trailerhome.

down the road an old vw bug accelorated squeakingly and the cheerleader whispered all the things that a dark knight my age would like to hear on a dark night in hollywood.

i listened closely and scooped dreyers girl scout thin mint ice cream into a large bowl

i want you tony she said

i searched for the hot chocolate in my cluttered fridge and found it

dont you want me

shook up a can of whipped cream that had no nitrous left in it

and a little spray of watery cream leaked out

and i said of course i do baby but i have to go now.

she said wait.

but it was too late.

and upstairs i heard the french doors slam shut.

and the frightened nightingale flutter away.

headache grey + raspil + sk smith

this week ive had the pleasure of having two different girls come into my bachelor pad and yes its messy but neither of them found a reason to make out with me or take off their pants.

there used to be a time when within minutes the ladies were either naked or pantsless or calling their best friends over to join the fun.

last night i hit rock bottom.

hottie came over, we ate burritos from midnight tacos, i read her some poems from the olden days and nothing sparked in her eyes.

she didnt put her hand on my knee, like they often do, she didnt lean back in the bed and say fucking a tony pierce youre a master.

she didnt excuse herself to the powder room and come back to me wearing only garters and a cowboy hat

she didnt wait for me to kiss her goodnight

she ate her burrito, we watched american idol, she tolerated my stinky rhymes and she dialed up her driver and when the car arrived she gave me a hug and was gone.

the hug was good but

and the whole time i could feel the mojo being gone.

i couldnt find anything, i couldnt say anything, i couldnt do anything.

if youve ever seen a home run hitter struggling at the plate you’ll know how downright pathetic it can look as he chases any pitch regardless of how unhittable it is.

these last two women have been truly unique, i must say that. both virgins which are apparently in season or some shit.

one was talkative and warm.

the other was shy and mysterious.

whereas most chicks who meet me at the xbi or via this blog are like fastballs, sold, excited, ready, jumping at me and all i have to do is get the head of the bat across the plate

these chicks were like changeups:

patience is required

a deep breath is needed

a close look at the spin (or lack thereof) is necessary.

spectators would look and see something that even a child could hit, but a seasoned veteran isnt used to 70 mph lobs, we’re used to 100 mph heat. she arrives, shes on top, shes finished, shes gone.

im not used to this slow motion that borders on super slow motion.

the whole time im thinking this girl should be dangling from the rafters by now. doesnt she want to be dangling from the rafters by now?

but hollywood is a diverse and varried metropolis, bubbling with so many different ideals and experiences that not every tap at the door is going to lead to carnal adventures.

sometimes you really do just sit there and watch american idol

like the rest of the crust.

with your pants on.

sober.

and sometimes you sleep alone.

so life is + wonkette + amy + tracy

By Jim Harding

Tribune staff reporter

February 2, 2005, 10:57 PM CST

So Sammy Sosa has taken his 133 strikeouts with him to Baltimore.

And the Cubs replace him with free-swinging Jeromy Burnitz, who struck out 124 times in 2004 with the Colorado Rockies.

Someone please help me with this logic. I’m sure Derrek Lee (128 K’s in 2004) and Corey Patterson (168) will welcome him to the middle of the order. Burnitz’s lowest strikeout total since 1998 was 121, his highest 158.

Were the Cubs watching when Burnitz faced them last season? Here’s how he fared: 3-for-23, all singles, with two RBIs and six strikeouts.

And how about the discrepancy between his numbers at hitter-friendly Coors Field and on the road in 2004? On the road he hit .244 with 13 homers, 42 RBIs and a .448 slugging percentage, compared with .322 with 24 and 68 and a .670 slugging mark at the Launching Pad.

And who could forget his stellar season in the big-city spotlight with the Mets in 2002? A .215 average with 19 homers, 54 RBIs, 135 strikeouts and a .365 slugging percentage. Oh, yeah, he also has a .976 career fielding percentage (Sosa’s was .973) and has made 64 errors in 12 seasons.

Baseballreference.com posts similarity scores on all player pages. They are based on stats guru Bill James’ methodology. Here are a few of the players listed with Burnitz: Jay Buhner, Jesse Barfield and Danny Tartabull.

Who is on Sosa’s page? Try Hall of Famers Harmon Killebrew, Willie Stargell, Mike Schmidt and Mickey Mantle.

Sounds like a swing and a miss to me.

the busblog is #150 on truth laid bear + shabooty + baseball musings + sammy put a full page ad of thanks in both chicago dailies