the first time was when these hippie girls put weed in the spaghetti. true story.

then a month later in the dorms i accidentally put two of my roomates lsd laced sugar cubes in my cereal.

later that month, after that i came home drunk and started chewing on what i believed to be some dried out mushroom stems.

and then there was the time on new years eve where i drank from the ecstasy punch bowl

all reasons why i never thought i would get into the xbi

but they lie detectored me several times and saw that i was being truthful

and then They poisoned me while i was at college.

some of the drugs aren’t even on the market any more.

shit that should never had made it on the streets let alone behind the counter.

my childhood doctor wondered aloud why i had two kidney stones before i was 25 and i told him it was job related, he said what sort of job could do that to a man, i told him i was a soda tester, that i had to drink about a gallon of soda a day taste testing etc.

the doc said, wouldn’t you just spit it out after you had tasted it?

i said, i was also testing the caffeine levels. he said well it just produced a little kidney stone, i recommend that you find a new line of work.

but you cant quit the xbi.

once they poisoned me with a love potion.

i was on haight street at a bar called the midtown. these long dreadlocked vampire girls worked the bar. cute sparkley satan necklaces and noserings and powder. bleach white these girls with velvet long sleeves and striped turtlenecks and hair wrapped like a cobra around and around as it went up. barbed wire barrettes and doll head earrings.

i lived on 591 haight directly across the street from the midtown. a good girl who had just sexxed me called me from the payphone next to the liquor store and waved when i saw her. come over lets have a drink

i said im about to go out

she said one drink, she knew i never went out

i said

she said oooooone drink i swear how is one drink going to kill you

i said fine

and this was about the time when i thought i had quit the xbi

and maybe they thought that i had quit too

and the vampire girl with the shiny vinyl mini skirt and ripped running fishnets and tall boots uncorked a vial of the love potion

and spilled it into a frosty mug

knowing i would order a guinness

which i did

and i fell in love with that girl and did exactly what she wanted me to

and im still in love with her

but jeanine was a different story. there was no love potion. there weren’t even any good first dates. bad dates is what they were.

jeanine seduced me by singing for me, and playing guitar.

call of the wild.

and we were in super love deep deep love and two girls walked home from school with me. and they seemed to like me an awful lot.

and i liked both of them an awful lot.

and the girls sat down in my room with me, on the carpet, and it was the middle of the day like three p.m. and each of us had a bottle of beer in our hands, it was sunny outside, perfect, and we sat there and ate cookies and the feeling was exactly like the time when the xbi put ten hits of x in my baja burrito

accidentally.

and i was dressed up in a sombrero, i swear to you, and a poncho, for it was halloween, and my only assignment that night was to walk around del playa and make sure that the kids kept everything cool. so easy in such a mellow town.

apparently one of the guys would always number things with a decimal after it. so if you wanted two machettes he would type it up as 2.0 machete. so someone ordered one gram of mdma and he wrote it up as 1.0 but the guy in the supply room didn’t see the decimal point and grinded up 10 hits and there i was on dp loving everything that i saw.

and people say you cannot hallucinate on that shit but things were slow motion, the street looked like it was slightly wave-like like a gentle pond, and colors were slightly brighter. i did have a terrible headache in the morn.

so when me and those two girls were in my room finished with our cookies we sat there and looked at each other and one of the girls was very pale and tall and blonde and wore the reddest lipstick id ever seen

and i felt a trace of that ecstasy and the floors started to move and i could have definitely said lets kiss each other and it would have happened, not because im such a catch but because those girls could feel the overwhelming love that i was feeling for jeanine

and what solidified a deeper confidence in that love, my friend the truth blog, was by excusing myself from the room, going to the bathroom whose walls were “breathing” like the time the xbi put acid on my graham cracker during a campout in the woods

looking in the mirror and seeing that i had a slight sweat on my forehead

and saying to myself these girls are devils

super cute devils and probably not really devils but the flattery is all that is needed

fuck the followup.

and i went back in the room, i didn’t sit back down on the floor with them

i simply said i have to go now

even though i was in my own house

and the girls smiled at each other and walked out of the house together and we said that we’d see each other in class

sometimes you don’t know that you might be

the devil threat yourself.

doc searls + great pics from florida (scroll down), my wife was on dennis miller

this week’s listings are dedicated to Mark O’Brien (Brando from Seven Inches of Sense) who was killed in a car accident on Wednesday.

mark’s son burke was featured on ABC’s NYPD 24/7 after he was murdered last year.

tonight

epmd, henry fonda

B-52s, vault 360

the damned, house of blues

thorn, roxy

tomorrow 8/14

matt sharp, knitting factory

j mascis + built to spill, el rey

the corrs + sophie b hawkins, kodak theatre

michael penn, largo

sunday 8/15

pj harvey, henry fonda

chris isaak, santa barbara bowl

gene loves jezebel, malibu inn

steel pulse, roxy

monday 8/16

pj harvey, knitting factory

tanya donelly, largo

tuesday 8/17

earth wind & fire + chicago, greek

rilo kiley, amoeba (free)

liz phair + the cardigans, house of blues

goovy rednecks, the joint

wednesday 8/18

john waite, the grove (free)

they might be giants, house of blues

nine inch chili pumpkins, the joint

thursday 8/19

the donnas (pictured), the echo

billy vera, santa monica pier (free)

carole king, greek

the truth blog + the ward + oliver willis

an angry storm to wash away the sins of the dirty south.

the palm trees bent and the salty waves crashed.

the birds tumbled through the relentless wind and the chads hung no more,

they flew and were set free.

talking heads in weathergaurded parkas and microphones stood beachside and reported the oncoming bonnie and pissed off charley while back in the studio the doplar radar animated the ominus two front attack

but it was the lord at work

mother nature the pagans called him but he never cared much for names

just actions.

bonnie curved like a kerry wood screwball, swirling west at new orleans but then swerving east where real sin sat

florida

home of the lame

anita bryant, broward county, jeb bush, butterfly ballots

the state that offered exile to steve bartman but kicked out elian.

the alligators snap at the evil and shit out tax free palm trees but all the coke in kokomo cant make things better again

all the buried and forgotten tony montona cockroaches have risen again like junkie zombies taking the form of government officials and judges who try to make us believe that black people in their county overwhelmingly voted for patrick j. buchannan.

burn hollywood burn

hollywood florida that is

and by burn i mean of course soak.

soak in the silky suds of salvation, you,

our least sunshiney state.

the swamp where dreams and democracy died.

“blow wind blow”

by tom waits

from frank’s wild years

I ride upon a field mouse

I was dancin’ in the slaughterhouse

And if you swing along the beltway

You skid along the all day

Cause I went a little crazy

And I sat upon a high chair

And I’m smokin’ like a diesel

Way out here

And if you’ll blow wind blow

Wherever you may go

Put on your overcoat

Take me away

danielle + nay + bored housewife

my dearest tony –

–chokey–

Dear Chad,

a) I cannot reveal my sources regarding the Howard Stern mp3s which are priceless to me. I adore Howard and i cannot fuck up that hook-up. Let’s just say that one of the benefits of writing this blog is that people send me gifts that they know i will like.

Some of the gifts are material, some are sensual. Some are just sweet little comments in my blog and emails in my in box. Someone sent me a Harry Crews novel last week anonymously. Thank you whoever you are.

If you would like to send me stuff feel free to address them to 4845 Fountain #15, Hollywood, CA 90029.

b) i believe you are referring to my answering machine messages? i hope so because now i will tell you my secret to getting my answering machine messages onto my blog.

Blogger in all of its wisdom has incorporated Audblog into its free Blogger service.

I have a digital answering machine in my landline phone. that phone also has a speakerphone option which is great when i forget that i’ve put the phone in the fridgerator next to the milk.

what i do is i call Audblog using my cell phone. when the time is ready i hit Play on my answering machine and hold my cell phone up to the speaker of the answering machine and let it run.

for the exception of the phone numbers that people leave, what you hear is what is on my answering machine.

i do this for two reasons. 1) i like to save things and this is a great way to do it without filling up my answering machine 2)it gives the world the false impression that girls from everywhere call me and want to hang out with me.

c) The world is Constantly giving you things to write about. open your eyes, boy.

it’s my belief that people get writers block not when they cant find anything to write about but because they Censor themselves from writing about what is forefront in their minds.

quit censoring yourself. if you want to write about some girl you wanna bang, write about that. despite what your girlfriend might say. (it might not be a good idea to put it on your blog, but write about it in a journal or on a different blog.)

if you want to write about sports, or movies, or about how you feel about going to your first year of college, write about it.

talk about your town, your friends, your dreams.

forget about what people might think about you, or say in rebuttal, or what EVER. write.

infact write precisely about the things that freak you out the most to say.

snoop dogg writes about pimping and smoking and drinking and gangbanging which are true for him and not only has he pulled it off, but he is one of the most beloved people in the world because he’s not bullshitting or holding back.

learn from snoop, young jedi.

the blogosphere and the media is full of people who lovelovelove to attack people who bring to light the fact that this president is a phony a fraud and a moron. i dont like to be attacked any more than the next guy. i might be a cub fan but im no sadist. but i write about bush because it is real for me and id be a fucking pussy sellout riddled with writers block if really wanted to say fuck bush and i didnt.

learn from the busblog, close yr eyes and floor it.

once you write whats in your heart and it gets out there, then theres room for the next thing, and then the next thing. but you Must get that first thing out there.

its more like pooping than you think.

my critics will agree.

go now in peace good man

and tell us your deepest darkest feelings.

your pal,

tony

chokey chicken + virginia + mist

blogger of your website, or even janitor at your bowling alley,

one thing that you would never ever ever have to lose any sleep over

is that i would never come to you or call a press conference

and say, i have been cheating on my lovely wife

with a man.

and thats because im as loyal as a lap dog.

college was tough. i gotta say that.

jeanine and i were madly in love, but we had some neighbors, and friends who were tempting.

hell, all of isla vista was a calvacade of hot tamales walking around in their miniskirts or cut offs.

i learned a technique that i ended up using later in life because it worked.

if i saw a hot chick walking down the street i looked down on the ground

if a cutie said hi to me, i would look at her shoes.

people probably thought that i was a rain man because i wouldnt look them in the eye and i would stutter a lot and i would say definately a lot.

mons pubis is definately playing at Xanadu Lanes, i would say. definately. right after wapner. definately after wapner.

the problem is, people dont look at their shoes anymore, and they should.

anna kournikova has the right idea, she doesnt come over to my house because she knows that she wont be able to keep her dirty little hands off me.

and vice versa.

i dont care that theres a gay gov in jersey, and i dont think any enlightened person does. i think they care that he cheated on his wife, and lied to her, and is probably a liar to the public on other things.

and after reading the buzzmachine, turns out he was a bad governor.

and thats too bad because some people might think that he was a bad gov cuz he was a gay gov.

im sure being gay had zero to do with it.

similarily we dont blame the president for being a bad president because hes a retard.

we blame him for being bad because he’s a deceptive retard with no vision, no plan, no sense of duty to the country that he represents, and because he deserted during a time of war and then covered it up by destroying the records.

the gay gov of jersey is bad because he lied to his wife. im sure the corruption that he was part of, allegedly, will start streaming out in the next few days, to the utter glee of those who find glee in those things.

hopefully it began and ended with appointing his gay lover Jersey Homeland Security director.

right now i just feel bad for his old lady.

and i would love it if springsteen could replace him, if only for a little while.

buzzmachine + kitty bukkake + bunny has lesbo shots

and get my beastie boys tickets.

there are very few times in my day where minutes and seconds mean everything, besides the shootouts, and the car chases, and the knifeplay,

but thats a given,

and now that i think of it, so much of that is pre-planned, that a minute here or there shouldnt matter because when you work as a team its sorta like

group a … GO!

group b, hold back.

group c, cover the alley.

but ticketmaster… fuck. when the shits go on sale at 10am, you better have your shit together at 10am.

and lord help you if youre hitting reload cuz it wont click to a new screen at 10am when the floodgates open.

you have to click the Back button and then click the link.

its all so terrible.

if i had ten minutes with our new president John Kerry i would spend the ENTIRE time asking him why we should tolerate this monopoly?

not only did i get stiffed $9.55 per ticket for “covenience fee” but they got me $3.35 for the order processing fee.

so to buy two $45 tickets, i have to pay them $20 for the priveldge.

i still dont know the difference between convenience fee and order processing fees.

i did get 5th row for my favorite rap group.

but no thanks to ticketmaster.

thanks to my former xbi mate rob t, who didnt need to flow me with the kroq internet presale password, but he did. (BOROUGHS).

and now on 9/13 i get to take my true love to see a great show.

despite my phone ringing off the hook, despite being pissed off that ticketmaster gets such a huge cut. despite now being really hungry.

imagine if the instapundit spent a quarter of the time and effort and influence that he has to help break up Ticketmaster’s unfair stranglehold on the american consumer, which would actually benefit the average citizen of this fine land

instead of being a righty tool by joining in on the latest smear campaign by trying to convince his millions of readers that john kerry really didnt earn those purple hearts and wasnt the soldier that he (and his band of brothers) says that he was

you may say im a dreamer

i probably am.

bruner + coyote + flagrant‘s error page + danielle

a new photo essay

about mr. jim gilliam, the co-producer of Outfoxed

and the man who just pulled off the first quicktime fisking of television’s own bill o’reilly.

and he did it beautifully.

actually his About page on his website says it perfectly:

Jim Gilliam is a former dot com executive turned activist filmmaker.

In the wake of 9/11, Gilliam left his position as chief technology officer of high-profile startup Business.com and devoted his time to more pressing matters. Through MoveOn.org, in 2003, he hooked up with veteran filmmaker Robert Greenwald to research and help produce the groundbreaking documentary, “Uncovered: The War on Iraq” about the faulty intelligence that led the U.S. to war. Bringing together the world of film, politics, and the internet, “Uncovered” defined a new generation of films — the grassroots political documentary.

Gilliam then co-produced Greenwald’s next film, “Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism,” an unprecedented look at the propaganda techniques employed by FOX News.

Prior to Business.com, Gilliam was the chief architect at eCompanies, a venture capital firm and incubator in Santa Monica, and a principal software engineer at Lycos, one of the first internet search engines. He has been blogging at jimgilliam.com since 1999.

i cant wait to see his next film.

media matters + moore v oreilly at the dnc convention + nuance + i cant wait to vote

she was very sweet, quite willing, wonderful, cute as hell, and quite good at shaking her hips as well as letting her backbone slip.

when you date girls from other worlds you learn a little about their backgrounds and she taught me a thing or two about Cuba and Castro’s version of communism.

it was interesting because being born in Washington DC and growing up in Chicago and living the last 20 years here in southern california, i have experienced America in a way that i wouldnt change for anything.

i am proud to be from such a country that on many levels does provide freedom and opportunity.

therefore i was shocked when she told me that she believed in communism and admired how Castro ran his tiny little dictatorship in the shadow of the US who has done everything it can to destroy it.

i bring this up because friday is Fidel’s 79th birthday, and i saw this picture above and it struck me as interesting that when we think of communism we think of things like a depletion of human rights, unfair imprisonment, kangaroo courts, no hope for justice, a uniformity that restricts individuality, and a domineering government that imposes its will On the people instead of being at the will Of the people.

she admits that Castro doesnt like people who stand out in the middle of the streets and denounce their country. but the truth is, neither does the blogosphere. difference is, you can go to jail for doing that in havana.

so the irony of the US using Guantanamo in Cuba as a holding station for alleged Al-Qaeda and Taliban members is striking to me because we are doing to these people all the things we feared that communism would do if it was “allowed” to spread.

we have held these people for a couple of years now. we have not given them lawyers to defend them. we have not charged them.

we just basically locked their asses up.

even in cuba you are told why youre being locked up.

in all of this patriotism that we’re hiding behind, theres a dirty little not-so-secret happening right in front of us that something should be done about.

my question to the president is, if these are bad people, and we know how theyve been bad, why arent we putting them on trial?

and if these are bad people, but we have no proof why they are bad, then how do we know they are bad without a trial?

my other question is, whats the delay?

youve had nearly three years now to build a case against these people. if you dont have enough evidence to fuck them, then quit fucking them.

is that so hard?

meanwhile im still waiting for the president to release his military records or Any proof that he was not a deserter in the National Guard during the Vietnam War.

seems like this administration loves to make people wait.

all i have to say is release the records because there will be nothing worse for the Repubs than to win the election, but then find their president being impeached when the records show that he, indeed, did Not report to duty during those three months, and now he must be court-martialed with the possibility of death for deserting during a time of war.

where do you think those records might be?

when do you think we’ll stop acting like fucking commies to these prisoners?

when do you think the liberal media will actually start asking these questions in a serious manner to those in charge?

and if communism isnt a threat any more, which it obviously isnt, when can i go to cuba and meet more girls like the lil conchita who no longer wants what i can deliver?

these, my friends, are the questions that go through my head this evening as i wait for my ride home.

by tony pierce

yes the cubs are eleven games out of first place in the national league central.

yes they are behind the st. louis cardinals, who are the hottest team in all sport.

but because of a design flaw in major league baseball’s post-season wild-card dealie the cubs, if they win the wild card slot, which they probably will, wont have to play their rivals, the cardinals in the first round.

according to mlb rules, the wild card team plays the divisional winner with the best record Unless they are both in the same division.

that means the Cards will play either Atlanta or LA in the first round, giving the Cubs the chance to not only play a less-hot team than St. Louis;

but the Cardinals and their weak-ass pitching staff have a chance to get knocked out in the first round, leaving the Cubs to win that NL Pennant that they were one foulball away from nabbing last year.

so to secure this world series heres what the cubs need to do

1. disallow anybody named Steve to gain access to Wrigley Field during the playoffs and world series

2. dont trade anyone named Ruth, Dent, or LoDuca

3. with a rotation of Wood, Prior, Zambrano, and Clement– put Greg Maddux in the bullpen to set up or possibly be the closer.

4. fire steve stone and chip caray

5. pitch around Beltre

6. pitch around a-rod, jeter, and sheff in the world series

7. pray pray pray

steph did LA + that ashley girl + wonkette