i hate wednesdays. i hate mondays. im screwed. tuesdays we have our weekly meetings. typically they tell us how much chopper one has cost the agency and i have to defend it by saying how much money it has brought in. but not everything is that clear cut.

if someone says theres something going down in the lbc and we need chopper one for cover and if we dont get anything out of it then am i to blame? every meeting i want to say, its a black helicopter, it cant be seen on radar. the surveillance and intimidation and backup are priceless. but i cant because then everyones feelings will get hurt and people will start fighting and when we start fighting at work the guns get pulled and sometimes so do the triggers.

needless to say id much rather be flying around than being in a meeting. theres money to be made outside. i know we need our meetings but they could be done during lunch on fridays and it wouldnt bite into moneymaking time and people would chill the fuck out.

hot as fuck this morning. i got off the subway at wilshire and western and there were i swear 40 kids lined up for tonights morrissey show. most the kids had chairs or stools or sleeping bags or something. theyd been out there on the filthy sidewalk since last night. these are kids too young to ever have seen morrissey sing with the smiths. blows my mind. and its hot. and the scum of the earth walk around that corner sparechanging like a bitch.

in the three years that ive been commuting past wilshire and western ive never seen anyone sleep out over night for a show there until today.

the marquee said morrissey five nights sold out.

i love morrissey because he goes against everything. he’s gay but he pretends hes “asexual”. he doesnt have any hit singles out, he doesnt have any hot videos out, he split ways with the perfect guitar player and he insults his fans (“You’re The One For Me, Fatty”) and he can sell out anywhere he wants.

proof that holding true to your true self and image blows doors over selling out to whatevers hip at the moment.

i dont see him doing duet records or unplugged records or full soundtracks or even reunion tours. fucker just keeps on keeping on.

i love him and i dont even know what his new record is called.

five sold out nights at the wiltern and i dont think anyone knows what his new record is called.

does he have a new record?

hot as fuck and last night at eleven they had team coverage to tell me that at 91 degrees there were records broken. and if tivo was smart they would allow me to constantly send feedback to the broadcasters via my thumbs up and thumbs down buttons cuz i woulda mashed that red thumbs down button for a good five minutes before i went over to hbo to see the sopranos that i missed on sunday, which kicked my ass. thankfully. wonderfully. thoroughly. beautifully.

but the best news this morning was that howard stern got his ratings for march and he was up in new york chicago and la. but in san diego where he was dropped by clear channel, the station’s morning numbers plummeted from a 20 to a 0.6 in the prime demo of 18-34.

tiffany + howard’s ratings in san diego + welch

no i wasnt interviewing to drive semi trucks. it was a job that i didnt want but it pays buttloads.

they asked me if i liked being a superhero. i said that being a superhero is a dumb job cuz nobody cares unless you die or fuckup and blow shit up accidentally. they asked me to explain so i did.

i said that nobody cared that Pat Tillman, for example, gave up his $3 mil nfl contract to go fight in the army rangers until he was killed last week in afghanistan.

i said in a way the same goes for close games in sports. nobody calls your team great unless the game gets close. if you blow a team out 73-0 more people will think that one of the teams just totally sucked, they wont think that the winning team totally dominated.

they didnt understand that one so much. and instead of asking for clarification they went into other areas of the interview.

they asked me why i liked my current job. i said because my employer understands the legality of my two government mandated 15-minute breaks which allows me to write on my blog.

then they asked me what a blog was and i told them that i probably wouldnt fit in at their newspaper.

then the guy told me that this was the most unconventional interview that he had ever been part of because the applicant was bowwing out over one question.

i told him the applicant wasnt bowwing out over one question, i told him that the applicant was bowwing out over one answer.

then i told him that when you put an andy warhol velvet underground tshirt on an olsen twin it doesnt make the twin cooler, it makes the image of the record less cool. the record itself will never be uncool. it will be classic. but the image and therefore the tshirt will never be as cool because not only did a twin wear it but she wore it in got milk ad.

he didnt understand that either and asked me if i wrote the way i talked and i asked him how much of my stuff he had read and he said some and i said i love to write the way i talk but i usually write better than i speak because i have time to go over it and edit out all the ums ahhs and fucks.

then he laughed because he noticed an awful lot of fucks in my blog.

i said, so you do know what a blog is.

he said is that what i was reading of yours? then he told me that it took a long time to appear on his computer.

i asked him if he had dsl or cable modem and he said he wasnt sure.

he said he had aol.

and thats when i told him that i had to go back to saving the world.

he said, but

and i said i will not be the tshirt that you put on the pretty girl to convince the world that youre down.

that, i have great confidence, he understood, cuz he didnt say anything.

he just exhaled.

hottest girl at the xbi + xeni + howard owens

so of course it was the lead story of the tv news. they were all, starting off our Team Coverage is Joe Schmoe in Van Nuys.

“yep, its hot out here in the valley, melissa.”

arent we at war or something? wheres the team coverage of that? arent gas prices like $2.11 for unleaded? arent the lakers in the playoffs? arent the dodgers in first place? did nothing happen this weekend that is more important than the weather?

didnt like a million people show up in washington dc because this administration is still threatening to stop women from having the choice to have abortions?

isnt our actor governor trying to cut millions in public school funding to help pay for the $14 billion california state budget shortfall? wheres the team coverage on that? wheres the team coverage to explain why the governator wont raise taxes on the rich to pay off the $14 bill?

instead the local abc news station here in LA wants to tell us that its hot outside.

i think we fucking know its fucking hot outside.

it was fucking hot on friday and saturday and sunday.

most of us went to the beach and drank and praised Jesus for allowing it to be hot here in LA as thats the reason most of us moved here.

plus its the end of april. its ok for it to be 90 in hollywood and 100 in the valley and desert. seriously, its ok.

its not ok to have a guy recall a governor because hes fucking up and then continue to do what the president is doing, which is stick it to public schools and trying to run a government in the red while bankrupting our future.

and its not ok to tell women that they cant have abortions when not only is it none of your gd business what they do with their reproduction, but how many unwanted babies do you seriously want? so in ten years when theres another budget crunch do you seriously want those unaborted kids in schools that today you refuse to fund?

how about this, “good afternoon everyone, its noon on monday and oprah still hasnt been fined yet for telling america what a tossed salad is, im harold reems.”

or this, “hundreds of thousands marched on washington this weekend to protect a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body. we have team coverage for the reaction here in the southland.”

although i do have to tell you it is butt hot here.

reminds me of a roadtrip i took to arizona when i was in college.

hot.

dawn olsen + listen missy + mc brown saw the time

my beautiful wife’s ass with my huge member, let it be known that when i talk about the beautiful love that i make on this blog, im never talking about the intimate details between myself and my betroved.

moxie and i have a little arrangement. yes shes my wife, but only in the marital sense. i dont tell her what to do with her body and she doesnt tell me what to do with mine. our only deal is that we’ll be safe and not bring anything back to the homestead.

the relations that i have with my love is caring and loving and beautiful. what i do outside the home, however, well, thats usually the stuff that i would never do with the woman who will one day bear my children.

thats how they do it in europe, and thats how we agreed it will be done here.

other similarities: we drink a lot of wine, take long naps, and go on strike as much as possible during the summer months.

right now im in a new girls apartment. i cant really remember what we did last night in much detail but i know she ordered pasta at 1am from a place called berries. we were watching the Restaurant, that stupid reality docudrama about that jimmy fallon lookalike rocco someone who has a restaurant and always screws it up.

she was smoking some jamacian shit and suddenly got the munchies and dialed information and then the transfered her over to berries and bam within minutes she had rigattoni and meatballs.

she ate so much so fast she had to puke. and i was all so thats how all you west hollywood girls stay so thin. and she was all shut up and jumped on me after brushing her teeth and within minutes we were asleep.

so now im listening to the pixies trying to write to you from her lil laptop. its a powerbook something. i cannot repeat how disappointed i am in the good people of apple for not having the right click button. fucking apple invented the mouse, why are they trying to keep it real by keeping the right click button away from their loyal users?

im listening to the pixies in minnesota 4/13/04 which i see is being sold on ebay for $61. am i a prick if i burned a copy to sell it on ebay? for some reason i think i am. but the pixies arent going to sell that thing any time soon, are they? shit i dont know. i know if i had a band id have a huge tip jar on stage that said “give us 50% of all the shit you stole from us. or give us 100% of all tips youd like to give us.”

shes got blue eyes and soft thighs. little plastic cups cuz she doesnt like cleaning up. the meatballs last night had a little bread in the middle of it and it reminded me of chicago. i brought my tivo over and we were watching the mclaughlin group and a cubs game and old videos and some woddy allen.

so now im typing you and ignoring the typos because a guy she likes might call her to go to breakfast, and the best part about having a wife is i dont care if she has breakfast with this fool or not. and because i dont give a fuck she wants me even more. now shes saying shes hot and she is hot. she says no its fucking hot in herre and i say turn on that ceiling fan and she says she cant cuz shes allergic to dust and theres probably an inch of winter dust on there that shes got to wait for her lady to come over and dust before she even can think about that ceiling fan.

and shes gone through four or five costume changes. from jeans and a sleeveless shirt to a cord skirt and a one armed shirt to a bikini top and a flowery skirt. it just keeps getting hotter as we approach noon and so does she.

now its fatboy slim on her itunes “10th and Crenshaw”. if it wasnt for girls i wouldnt listen to half the muysic i end up listening to. now she wants to eat with me. i teller to wait for her man. she says hes not gonna call. i say wait. she says shes hungry. i say you ate all that pasta lasta nighta. she said uh … remember. and i was all, oh yeah….

i just asked her to chill for a minute while i finish this and she said want some oj and i said oh yeah, yes! and she brought one up in another plastic cup but she added a splash of vodka and when i turned around to say thanks i saw that she had made a fourth costume change. a catholic girl skirt with a tshirt that said do me.

seacrest out.

moxie

and now shes sleeping again. all cute on the couch. i was just about to say that the day has been a great little lazy day primarilly because her phone hasnt rung, but cue the phone. its another one of her gay friends. remind me to take the battery out of her phone the next time she falls asleep.

why is it that they have to call you three four times a day i ask her after she announces happily “im awake!” why cant they just run around and be gay? she slaps me in the head and goes back to reading her book.

i shouldnt complain. my phone was ringing off the damn hook early this morn. it was the old lady. she was having a lightbulb problem. it was 7:30am. i wasnt about to help her with the lightbulb i didnt care that she was 91. i love her and all but its 7:30. at 8:30 she called again to let me know that all was well.

then my mom called at 10am. the girl slept through all of this.

earlier i was watching little freddy adu. or trying to at least, the coach wouldnt let him play. hes 14. hes making more money than everyone on the team. it was freddy adu bobblehead day at the stadium. i dont know, that might inspire me to play him more than 18 minutes. jagoff.

now im watching a tivoed recording of last nights replay of the laker + rockets game. i hate that they edit the games that they show at midnight. why cant they just show us the whole damn game? so it ends at 2:45am instead of 2am, big whoop.

why do i have to rule the world? why do i have to fix all the wrongs that go down every day? escuse me, its 4:20pm.

she reminds me that we’ve been dating for a year now. she reminds me that shes still mad at me for marrying moxie. shes still on my couch. shes still reading. my tivo isnt very reliable.

if you try to go to the now playing sometimes it freezes up and restarts cuz it wasnt built to have 230 hours in it. she wants to go outside now. she wants to eat somewhere where we can sit outside. girls love sitting outside and eating.

she hates it when i catagorize her with every single person of her sex.

so i tell her that all girls love appetizers and desserts.

she says she knows she doesnt look cute but wants to sit outside before the sun goes down.

shes been pretty great so i say ok.

sk smith + the known universe + mist

and we were drunk from margueritas from this trendy los feliz mexican place that had the replacements and tom waits on the jukebox because los feliz is one of the few places to realize that gen*x now has some disposable income so you can get away with charging nine bucks for three shrimp tacos which means one medium sized shrimp per taco with a sprinkle of cabbage and salsa on each (tres la) on little doilies of corn torillas key word little, oughtta be called l’il and now you know how we stay so fit and trim, so the question was anal or oral sex. i said bend that sweet ass over cuz its friday night and the santa anas didnt fly all the way to hollywood for nothing ho.

and she giggled cuz she wanted it and she came last time but her gay friends warned her that she cant really think that you can just have anal any ole time, specially with a black man, and she said are you sure youre not going to stretch my ass out? hair over her eyes eyes half closed us half clothed boom box half up with air talkie walkies trying to lend some mood. i said im going to fuck you. promises are for pussy assed whiteboys. my only promise is you will love it. my only promise is the neighbors will know that im home. my promise is you’ll have some new stories to tell your pretty boys. now flip bitch before you make me get a switch and i pointed to the frail little bullshit tree maybe one years old with long green spindley branches that have been known to sting when in the hands of the wrong man.

you could see her thinking. she loved being spanked. she loved everything i did. at that point she wanted the full course but she was also sleepy and ready and drifting and spinning. she rolled over halfway on her side as a compromise and i pushed her all the way over and kicked up the jams.

now i know a lot of kids read the busblog and they should. but you shouldnt believe everything you read. especially on the internet. and especially when right on the top of the page it says that this is all bullshit. but if you want to believe anything believe that i put on a condom, cuz that part is always true. if i find out you little fuckers arent using condoms every time im not going to give you any more tips cuz thats the biggest one. protect yourself even when youre with fakebaked perkytitted lakergirls on the rag who smell like dove and american spirits.

i squeezed out a little gop of ky. my ky was getting old. what does that say about me. it didnt come out right. it sorta came out but in a hard little thing. i rubbed it over the rubber but most of it just fell on her ass below me. she didnt notice. i got another squeeze, this time a bigger one. rubbed it on my hand, then rubbed my hand on condom then slid it in.

wrong one she giggled. i aimed higher. went right in. she was all i ate rice and beans. i was all wham who cares. she was like well now i feel like i have to go to the little girls room. i was all umff you are in the little girls room.

we stopped she went to the bathroom. i put down a towel got a new condom and we did it the old fashioned way. and it wasnt so bad. never is.

and in the morning she woke me up early and when we were done she went back to sleep till noon.

bunnie + virginia + how appealing

i could be sort of a dictator. i didnt know how else to act and for some reason that came natural and was easy to do.

it was distructive and uncool and stupid, but it was easy.

now i try not to give a fuck. if a chick doesnt want to go out after she says she does, whatev. if a chick wants to be late for the date, whatev.

in lots of ways im the perfect guy to date.

i even forget all the dirty things these girls do to me.

but work is a totally different thing for some reason.

at work ive turned from mellow to gnarly. i get so pissed off when people break the rules and i get super super pissed when they run around like it’s no biggie.

i get so angry its bizarre. here i am mellowman ace and i can get set off when the phone rings when it shouldnt.

im the furthest thing from professionalism in that i dress like a fucking slob, im not as detail orientated as i ought to be, but when it comes to standards and practices im the fucking example.

in the xbi its the only way.

if communication and followthrough arent totally on point, people literally die. and even though im not totally in love with everyone around me, death is a motherfucker. plus, even though i dont get paid shit here i want to do a good job. is that so crazy?

today is beautiful. its warm for the first time in a long time. and by warm i mean hot. all i want to do is get out of here but we have these fucking idiots who think that things are on their schedule. theyre going home right now and we have to wait for their paperwork to arrive – shit that shoulda been here fucking yesterday morning – and then we have to process it and then we can go home.

im not one to bitch, you know that. just fridays. warm fridays. fridays means get out early. i couldnt even fly much today cuz it was windy. when its windy i have to help out on the paperwork and if i bitch someones gonna call me a primadonna cuz i hardly ever have to do paperwork but fuck this shit.

what if i decided to go to a location a day and a half after we were supposed to? why can people do their shit 36 hours after theyre supposed to, but i cant?

of course they will say that i can kill people and they cant but i dont run around killing people when im pissed off.

i want a job where i work with pros. how hard is that?

i want a job where when the shit is done everyone gets to go home and enjoy the sunshine.

i want a job where everyone can look each other in the eye and say right on.

i used to have such a situation.

but now i fly chopper one for the xbi and everythings fuct. and it all went to shit when they took the apple juice out of the coke machine.

makeout city + bob mould + vacant

people arent patient. people think that they have more important things to do. when youre driving a car in LA after work you’re kidding yourself if you think you have more important things to do.

youre a slave to the traffic. which never moves. youre a slave to waiting for lights to change. youre a slave to the guy ahead of you to make a left even though he wont, he’ll wait till the very last minute.

im the best driver cuz i dont fight it. everyones fighting it. saw this orthodox jew in a mini van this morn take his time making a left. this guy behind him in a sporty beemer with a cartoon perfect muscle head was about to blow a gasket.

dude tried to uber-left the jew when the coast was clear, ended up going around to the right. fast and then slow so he could bitch out the jewish man who had the hat on and the beard and the jewish stickers on the back of his van.

we were on la brea south of melrose. land of the hasidics. there was no reason to be all pissed off, beemer guy.

beautiful friday morning with warm winds that we call santa anas.

and i remembered the joke about how do you tell the difference between a porcupine and a bmw.

we used to tell this one at the gas station that i once worked at.

the answer is porcupines have the pricks on the outside.

although it was nice to have a car a little bit, it still doesnt beat the subway+bus situation ive got going on.

and unless im driving around the country meeting girls like you, i doubt it ever will.

dehumidifier + my soliloquy + listen missy

tonight 4/23

michael ian black – knitting factory

david bowie – arrowhead pond

morrisey – wiltern

the osmond brothers – citrus college

wayne kramer – farmers market

tommy lee (dj’ing) – key club

medeski, martin & wood – roxy

lets go bowling – el rey

tomorrow 4/24

general public – troubador

method man – house of blues

too $hort – key club

.38 special – the canyon

distillers – henry ford

thunderstruck (all-girl ac/dc cover band) – 14 below

robyn hitchcock – largo

circle jerks – ventura theatre

system of a down – greek theatre

kid rock – universal

sunday 4/25

flock of seagulls, devo, general public, tone-loc – la coliseum 8am

everlast – house of blues

monday 4/26

seal – house of blues

carlos guitarlos – thunderbird

morrissey – wiltern

tuesday 4/27

sam phillips – largo

morrissey – wiltern

wednesday 4/28

queensryche – house of blues

thursday 4/29

brian jonestown massacre – el rey

jucifier – knitting factory

the star fuckers – cat club

tiffany + mc brown + just procrastinating