not only is this venezuelian woman chucking rocks with her wrist rocket but shes doing it in hiphuggers and her workout top with a ponytail. if only she was aiming at a starbucks there in caracas.

i’ll take a ticked off pilates instructor with a slingshot over 4 kids throwing rocks any day.

its lightening and thundering here in hollywood so theyve grounded me and chopper one and so im listening to dinosaur jr and wearing the gay hat that miss montreal gave me. its supposed to be one of those sorta trendy skull caps that all the kool kids are sporting but ive never been a kool kid. not fashionably so.

i need a shopping spree. i want to write a story about a boy and a girl who steal a car in the middle of the night and steal a crowbar and drive through the window of a melrose hipster clothes store and run out with handfuls of the latest threads and some vintage peices and some pimp hats and several pairs of pumas.

and get in a cab and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

and then asking the cabbie to stop at pinks he says sure and they get him a big chicago dog with extra tomatoes and they drive into the hollywood hills laughing and kissing and ultimately crying cuz its just all too emotional not for the girl but for the boy.

joan and melissa rivers were on the view today.

that i know this proves that this hat is gay.

if i was gay i would be making a lot more money.

watched forever eden last night with clipper girls cousin. we’re like an old married couple. we sit there and hold hands and read magazines and occassionally glance up at the screen, just waiting for bedtime for an album side of passion and then a little sleep of the just.

we know its over for us. i like her cousin better anyway but her cousin isnt talking to me cuz she told me not to do her cousin and i thought she was bluffing but whe wasnt.

only thing i didnt like about forever eden is they tell you whats going to happen WHILE youre watching the show.

what they do is right before they go to commercial they go, “coming up next on forever eden…”

and then they show you the conflict thats about to go down.

um, excuse me, im 20 minutes into your show! im watching it! im in! no need to tell me the juicy parts so i dont flip away.

if you havent given me reason to stay with the first 20 minutes of your show, what makes you think that telling me whats going to happen is going to keep me?

dumbshits.

i might have to protest watching Forever Eden if they keep that shit up.

and who are these people who WANT to know?

and why do they always end up on my couch adusting their garters?

think my man bill shakespeare woulda stood for that shit?

coming up next in MacBeth… Lady MacBeth goes ca-razzzy… and if these woods are rockin, dont ye bother knockin…

i need a vacation.

dear fragrant, if im not your number one fan it’s cuz you delete before i can read your stuff, email me everything you post, thank you + britcoal + bunnie

it’s always 2am. the clock speeds through when i sleep. it speeds through while i work. it speeds through when i get home. and then always its wham 2am fucker.

raspil and i have never heard each others voice, and yet we’ve teamed up wonderfully through emails and very few chat sessions to bring lick back to life.

the other day she gave me the new layout for the blog and today i put it in the template section in blogger and of course i didnt back up the old one. or even take a picture. and there was the new layout but the text was crazy all over the place.

so i emailed ms. iverson and she was soon online and we looked at the code and she gave me a different layout and it worked.

but then the comments didnt work.

and i of all people i figured it out

which is saying a lot because i really dont know html all that well and i certainly dont know java or java script or pearl or nothing.

but i looked at the code of this blog and i compared things and i figured it out.

and while i was looking to add the halo scan button i read on their site that they now have Trackback.

so i installed Trackback.

to me, trackback rewards people for linking.

lets say 100 people read a post and two people Trackback. i bet 25 of those people go to the Trackbacker’s blog.

until now Trackback was only available to blogs that used moveable type.

now blogger blogs using haloscan can have Trackback.

thanks haloscan!

which is free.

but accepts donations, which i highly recommend.

speaking of which, chokey chicken and mist bought my afro and chokey asked me to make them a mixed cd to include with the hair. i was going to give them some baseball cards.

well, today i made the cd.

tomorrow i will mail it, fellas.

email me your address again 🙂

bluecad + chokey chicken + mist + lick blog

tell me your name. i just watched american idol. i wish i was a neilson family. i watched the first two american idol episodes and none after that and today they had the “untalented” show and it was awesome.

i saw my man william hung today and i was cheering along. if he sang at the end of every show id watch it every week.

people seriously need to hire me to tell them these things.

now im watching forever eden which sorta looks like paradise hotel which i loved. we really should thank the japanese for giving us these bizzare reality shows.

thank you japanese people.

ive noticed that im nicer after watching that jesus movie.

i talked on the phone to the 90 year old lady upstairs.

i did pass a legless man in a wheelchair who had fallen asleep in the rain in his chair out on the sidewalk.

didnt really know how to feel about that.

it was in front of a huge church that people dont think is a church but i dont think they pay taxes, so i’ll call them a church. and they have people walking around that church all the time. churchmembers. but it is a pretty busy sidewalk but surely theyd roll the man inside.

it was odd.

theres hospitals all around that church but still.

hollywood has its darkside my friends.

its not all bikini girls palmtrees and coke parties.

sometimes it rains

and youre legless

and youve fallen asleep.

it was dark out there. it coulda been anything. man. woman. other.

im not proud. and that jesus movie did make me feel bad at least, i guess thats a step in the right direction.

i suppose one day i will stop and help

i think it was a guy.

had a nice black cowboy hat on.

no feet.

little stumps sticking out of the pant legs at the knee.

so dark i nearly bumped into it because i thought it was an abandonded cart of some sort.

but it was a wheelchair with a tall black hook coming out of the top.

as to hold an iv at home?

to hold a hat?

i thought if i was that dude i might just end it all out there on sunset blvd drunk

there was an empty bottle of booze behind him a good twenty paces.

house brand vodka it looked.

same stretch of sunset you see at the end of “adaptation.” when the flowers time lapse

id buy a william hung dvd if he’d autograph it for me.

trevor + the ward + muscle68

on yahoo/reuters that says that only 10% of bloggers update every day.

and it says that of internet users only 13% have websites and only 2% have blogs!

tap tap tap

is this thing on?

people of earth wake up and get a damn blog!

they’re free you know.

look at me: im not a handsome man. i spout off on shit that people say i dont know anything about. in fact nothing on here is true, allegedly.

and not only has blogging gotten me cold hard cash, but gifts, emails of encouragement from the fellas, and offers of decadence from the ladies.

witness a conversation that took place mere hours ago:

Superhotbeachgirl: hi Tony

dumbass_me: hi baby

Superhotbeachgirl: Do you know Marc Brown?

dumbass_me: very well

Superhotbeachgirl: cause he’s coming to florida and wants to meet up

dumbass_me: nice

Superhotbeachgirl: you should come with him

dumbass_me: i wish

dumbass_me: marc lives in a sweet loft

dumbass_me: drives a phat car

dumbass_me: owns a great web development company, invented Buzznet

dumbass_me: im just a bum

Superhotbeachgirl: you are not a bum

dumbass_me: whens he gonna be out there?

Superhotbeachgirl: I don’t know, this week I think

dumbass_me: damn

dumbass_me: if i went out there would you let me put sunscreen on your back?

Superhotbeachgirl: I most deffanitly would, not that i need it, im originally from hawaii

dumbass_me: ive been told i have nice hands

dumbass_me: but those girls are typically drugged when they mumble those things

Superhotbeachgirl: you can take all my college girl stress right away?

dumbass_me: um

why does this girl know me?

blogging.

why does she want me?

who knows.

how is marc brown gonna make his fortune?

blogging.

it’s how you get hot chicks if you cant play guitar.

ive told you this over and over. i document it. i take pictures. you see it yourself. and yet i read these sorts of reports all the time. reports that say that blogging is increasing but not skyrocketting.

you all saw ryan perry from gorilla mask launch his blog and wham, madpony kristin went flying out to meet him.

you saw that one chick tell everyone that she was addicted to buying things on her credit card and she needed help paying off her debts. and the whole web gave her money to pay off her debts.

you saw will weaton turn into just another washed up has-been child actor into the blogging star that he is now.

you saw adam curry actually get *respect* from the internet through blogging when being an mtv vj only gave him bucketloads of due shame.

i could go on and on.

blogging will change your life.

it will make it better.

maybe not for all of you, but for most of you.

blogging is an even playing field. you can do it anonymously if you want. you can put your pics all over if you want. you can lie you can tell the truth. you can show up to the party late and take over if you do it right.

tell me one person who isnt interested in reading a good new blog.

it can be you.

you have to update every day, though, unless youre hot like madpony. but even they should update every day.

write, people. write. i Know you have stories to tell.

otherwise dumbshits like me will just swoop into your town with mc brown and scoop up all the white women.

and hawaiian grrrls.

low culture + kitty bukkake meets sksmith + gorilla mask

tells me that march is women’s history month.

who knew?

so what i will do is only put pics of women on this blog for this month. how does that sound.

women have been integral to my life. my mom raised my sister and i pretty much single-handedly. when she had to work and we were young she sent us to a woman’s home who looked after us and taught me how to play games like scrabble and boggle. all my best teachers in school were women.

and then there was dianne poliakoff who made me kiss her when i was in grade school.

ahhh diane.

thank you for that.

saw a man take a shit in the subway today.

actually i was upstairs by the street. i saw a young girl click the elevator button. i clicked my elevator button and we watched to see which elevator would come up first.

hers came up first.

but as we got into that empty elevator we saw “my elevator” arrive completely packed full of people.

the girl and i decended and we saw a man clean up his poop. right next to our elevator.

i deduced that as people waited for the elevators he dropped trau and took a nice oldfashioned right there. disgusting everyone who rushed to the far elevator.

he didnt have enough tp to wipe himself and the floor, so kind gent as he was, wiped the floor.

as i went to the train i saw that he didnt have enough for the floor either.

and yes, this is why there should be restrooms in the subways of los angeles.

the reason they dont have any is because theyre afraid that women would get raped in them or that hookers will have sex in them or that bums would sleep in them.

i say have a camera near the front door and hire pee pee monitors who would announce into the bathroom “i saw you take someone in there! one person at a time in the restrooms. thank you!”

the pee in the elevators is a normal fragrance, fyi.

in nicer news: kristin gets interviewed by adrants

yes im a sell out. yes i still have to finish Lick and its past midnight and it’s a schoolnight and i still hafta get a buspass for tomorrow. and yes i dont have anyone over right now.

and yes i saw the passion of the christ yesterday and yes it was fantastic and yes it was gruesome and no it wasn’t the least bit antisemetic. if they think that was antisemetic they think the new testament is antisemetic cuz that movie stuck to the four gospels pretty close.

i did like that he chose to use the earthquake scene during the crucifixion. it only appears in one of the four gospels that discuss the crucifixion.

yes i have no banannas i have no banannas today.

an anonymous blogger said that she had a lil crush on me and now im dying to know who this rapscallion is. but i suppose it doesn’t matter. and i dont want to know. i like unsolved mysteries.

i was on the phone tonight with my true love and its almost like she got a spell put on me back in the day. and like maybe she was only supposed to put a teaspoon of that shit in my drink and she put like 5 tablespoons.

she will call and im out of control.

she’ll talk and i’ll listen but instead of acting reasonable and asking like a follow up question i’ll be all like

come on baby let me hop on the bus and give you the good shit.

she’ll laugh

let me bring back some lil memories. let me ring that forgotten bell. let me do to you all the dirty things that no one knows about.

and she’ll tell me that a few people know.

and i will say let me lick you where ever you want. anywhere. name the spot. name the quadrant. zero me in on the x y.

and today she said i would like my toes licked.

and i was all hmmm i dont know if i could do that.

she went ha!

and i said, but if there was one girl who id do that to itd be you.

and she told me how she wasn’t all that into lost in translation and i said you still have that little baby blue number. the one that showed off your hips real good.

i said what do i hafta do to get some of that shit on the down low.

she just laughed and said oh brother.

raspil + anti + mc brown

about howard stern censorship america, etc.

by ambra

Cry me a river. Conservative morality is being [shoved] down peoples throats? Hardly compares to the Liberal agenda shoved down most peoples’ throats when they turn on most major television networks, go to public school, or try to see a movie.

The point is, LOTS of stuff is being shoved down people’s throats from all different directions. No single political party is wielding the sword here.

You better believe that Democrats are just as strategic if not more at getting their message across in convoluted ways. Political parties are just evil. All 100 of them. No good can come from “group think”.

Stop all the whining and just be thankful you can actually make a choice politically. There’s always someone worse off than you. It’s easier for us to feel better about our own lack of productivity by blaming everything on the big bad government.

Americans make me sick. Myself included. (Yes that’s right, I make myself sick). We’re so lazy, but we can somehow manage to post on our blogs how much we hate the government or how disenfranchised we are. Meanwhile, the average immigrant can come here and make twice as much money as we do, own 6 businesses, and manage to raise their kids to replicate the process. Why? Because they recognize that authority is authority and they can bitch and moan but it’s not going to change their situation. They actually DO something in spite of the government. So I say, we’re full of excuses and I think it’s a load of crap. People need to step outside of themselves. How does what we do as individuals impact the same issues we complain about. In spite of our problems, we’re freakin’ blessed to live in a country like America and that shouldn’t be forgotten. Whoever catches that revelation will be the most successful in life. Period.

ambra | Email | Homepage | 02.27.04 – 10:00 pm |

i dont want to write about politics. i dont want to write about how i hate the president of the united states.

i dont want to ever write anything about how america has flaws.

but you people make me.

and by you people i mean you people who allow this shit to continue to happen.

no the sky isnt falling, duh. no my tin hat isnt being refitted because of my new haircut.

my tin hat is made of tin and therefore is adjustable. bitches.

but you cannot deny that there is definitely a conservative morality being shoved down the throats of an america who did not vote for the current administration and im sorry but it isnt an american agenda.

pro-war despite no proof of threat, anti-gay despite no proof of threat, anti-nipple despite no proof of threat, anti-free speech despite no proof of threat, pro-halliburton, pro-patriotact, pro-high gas prices, pro-racist judges… thats not american. and i dare say that thats not even republican.

its repugnant.

howard stern did not do anything illicit or racist or offensive or illegal the other day. if he hadnt been dropped from those stations, his show the other day wouldnt have even been considered controversial.

what happend the other day was a company that owns 1,995 more radio stations than it should violated a contract.

what happened the other day was Clear Channel made up a No Tolerance Policy and yanked a radio show before even explaining what it was not going to tolerate.

what happened the other day was censorship inspired by the FCC which is an arm of the current administration and the SON of the Sect’y of State.

any idiot who says that the issue isnt with the gov’t , that it’s with the FCC or Clear Channel has its blinders on too tight.

republicans are supposed to be pro-business. pro-profit. less government interference. howard stern made tons of money for Clear Channel and everyone else that he worked for. and he did it legally.

what went down yesterday should have riled up a lot more Republicans than just Rush Limbaugh.

i hate that it riled me up because i had lots of stories to tell you about all the pussy i got.

instead i had to focus on this bullshit.

which is bullshit because this too will pass.

no i dont think that this republic is in permanent trouble. no i dont think that this is the end of the world.

i am sure that the pendulum will swing back and people will actually fight for a mans freedom of speech.

what bothers me is how many truly intelligent people have just allowed the basic rules of how government works to get royally assfucked starting with the hanging chads and continuing through to what happened to the king of all media yesterday.

and you sit there.

and you chortle cuz its not happening to you.

let hillary not get the popular vote and watch rush’s head explode.

let rush get his show yanked over something totally legal and watch drudges head explode.

you motherfuckers nearly had conniption when bill clinton got a little tail. you wanted his ass fired and you applauded when our congress stopped everything to put his ass on trial.

this was during a time of great abundance in this country and you fucks ran him out for getting some.

you had investigators all up in his shit for a thousand personal, worthless, bogus nitpickings that had nothing to do with the country and you loved it.

now we have a president and a vice president who are doing things to this country and to the people that is far more outrageous than lying about blowjobs.

and you sit there.

and you comment and tell me to grow up.

and some of you dont even say anything.

id tell you to fuck off but ive used all my fuck yous for the week yesterday.

those of you who agree with me, thank you. not thank you for agreeing, but thank you for saying so.

now do the next best thing and not only vote these bums out, but inspire just one or two of your relatives and loved ones to vote these bums out too.

and then i can go back to writing about what my fingers smell like.

which is what everyone wants me to do anyway.

myself included.

17 seconds + children of the night + zulieka