everything is a test

everything is the angels watching from above making little side bets on you

ok for sure hes gonna fuck this shit up,

one of them will say to the other

nah, he’s cool, he’s the man, he’s my favorite one now that i think of it,

the other’ll say, after exhaling a long stream of smoke.

ok i bet you a bulldozer he wont act a fool over that thing,

the first one will offer

omg what is it with you and bulldozers? fine, i’ll bet you my last bulldozer he’ll shake it off

back in the day they were betting like crazy on hank aaron,

all the shit he went through

imagine death threats just cuz youre gonna break a dumb home run record

your family in danger because you might go yard in cincy

angles be all, a hundred yaks hank’ll just retire

but hank aint retiring.

fuck quitting

fuck bowing down to the bad in the world

and fuck acting a fool.

i walk around hollywood late at night

you see different things at night

was taking the picture of a bus stop bench and this dude approached me from my blind spot

i was listening to howard stern and jimmy kimmel in my headphones

i have a little rule that if you ask me for money i’ll give it to you

actually its in the bible but ive adapted it.

i was like, what?

and he mumbled, black dude, one shoe, skinny, no eye contact


i was wondering if you could help me with some spare change

im thinking, theres a guy who owes me $2,500 out there who hasnt even had the decency to paypal me $100 every week or $500 a month

ive been unemployed since halloween

i havent even touched a woman since the traitors attacked the capitol

no relation

and still somehow i am doing better than this guy

literally in the middle of the street

at 1:30am

i have a bed. i have cable. i have clean clothes

and cookie dough in a small bucket.

i have a


so i gave him $5

bc im pretty sure the angels were betting the under.

do you know how weird it is

imma hollywood the hell outta hollywood in a way that doesnt usually get done

and i wonder why

how is it that im christopher columbo?

sometimes you have to do the thing.

i remember once in high school we were in basketball practice

and my athletic career was ending sooner than i would expect

but on that particular day it was us against the Better squad

and the coach had taught them this great defense

and i was on the other team and i dribbled the ball up the court and i just drove straight through the lane to the rim and easily laid it up.

sometimes the best route is right to the hole.

let everyone else pay attention to this edge or that niche or that sliver.

sometimes its good to just say ung

imma give you a month of hollywood that

all these places that talk about hollywood never touch.

and never will.

so weird to me.

i walk around hollywood all the time and their ghosts are everywhere

i can feel them. i have spidey senses. i dont talk to them. i dont hear them

but theyre there.

youre here too. in my heart. in my thoughts. in my prayers.

chaplin, keaton, houdini, kobain

mostly dudes.

vibes are everything to me. im not great at deciphering them but i know when theyre there.

hollywood blvd is just oozing with them.

the subway goes under it because all the recording studios on sunset didnt want the rumblings under them which is fine with me

because being under hollywood is almost as good as being in it.

because its all about creativity

making something new out of thin air

making something funny forever

making something classic and universal and inspiring for generations to come

bukowski lived here

he didnt die here


there was a crazy man playing with himself on my block

for four-five hours he acted crazy and brought a ton of attention to me, my neighbors, and the rest of the people on the block

the nearby church has a pretty good security team and one of them brought their police dog over.

nothing scared this dude.

nothing got him to move away from the apartment building he seemed attracted to.

finally i just walked over to him and tried to be the peacemaker.

brother, this is the wrong block to do this at

he looked at me. handsomely.
his shirt wasnt off yet, but it would be.

i said you keep flinching around and that dog is going to eat you.


the cops are going to come and they are going to shoot you.

and i do not want another black man dying on this street.

the man said

i dont believe you.

i said

all you have to do is walk to the end of this block and you’ll be safe, this is hollywood, handsome dudes yanking off in the middle of the street simply means nature is healing

but they are going to shoot your or eat you here.

his reply?

not sure. it was in German.

which is super scary because he had been whispering in English as i was talking.

super hot chick came out of a nearby apartment. because we are all wearing masks all i could see was her magically brown eyes and batwing mascara

eventually id notice her super tight yoga pants.

within minutes we discovered that she was a White Sox fan and we could never get married, but we could at least be friends.

at some point she tried negotiating with the man but that just made him stick his hand


down his pants and get back to work.

people say he had been doing that for hours in between stabbing his fist at the wind

and smearing gooped up trash into a fence.

so i said, look if youre gonna talk to him im going to put together a care package

i went home, put socks, water, chips, and muffins in a Target bag.

i returned and said, here, take this, but eat it at the corner.

he said, im not going to eat your poison.

i said, the dog is going to eat you.

is that how you want to die?

he said im never going to die.

i said, in spirit, true

because im going to write about you.

what a day what a day what a day

had therapy today

we are getting along very well. i think we had to figure each other out.

she even said it was good.

we went into some deep ish. i asked her advice a few times. like four times.

i told her the paths i could take and i asked which one do you like

she said which one do you like?

i said i dont like none of them.

she asked which one would be the best for you?

i said, itd be best for me if i didnt do shit – im doing this to be cool to someone.

i have a feeling the things i say she doesnt expect.

right after that i met the most interesting man in the world.

i was in my pajama bottoms, still. and wearing an Obey shirt.

he is in his late 60s, British, and a semi famous musician.

he asked Obey? Who should you Obey? What does this mean?

I said, it’s a long story but

we teach what we most need to learn

later he walked me to his apartment and gave me an autographed prized possession.

they say libras fall in love at the drop of a hat

while that’s true, it’s even more embarrassing than that.

often the simplest things can get the heart beating: a well turned line of poetry, a full blog post, a dance around a tree,

and sometimes

the lightest sigh.

luckily i was born on the Scorpio cusp which helps me shut the door that the Libra side loves to open.

the Scorpion never forgets a single slight, is suspicious of all comers, and enjoys the taste of blood both literally and figuratively while the Libran only wants

peace love and harmony.

the Scorp want to fuck, fight, and flee

the Libra wants to cuddle, dream, and be.

i am not a Scorpio on the Libra cusp, though i think that would have been easier.

and i would have been a far sharper dresser.

i am a Libra with flashes of that deadly tail.

Last night there was a disturbance at the heron house. a 39 year old woman from Watts was upset that one of our neighbors had placed a note on her Kia Soul warning that if she did not fix her car alarm a brick would find its way through her windshield.

she did the natural thing and started raging at our building. IMMA DRAG WHOEVER WROTE THIS NOTE FROM ONE END OF THE BLOCK TO THE OTHER

she explained that she was not the one to be played with

that she was violent, worked and lived nearby, and if she lost her job over this matter so be it. she yelled so loudly and beautifully i was instantly in love.

i finished my shower, got dressed, and went out into the courtyard where several of my neighbors had gathered to try to reason with her.

they were met with threats and strange questions from her like HOW OLD ARE YOU? and


the angels have blessed my mind with the greatest comebacks and i delivered a few but i felt bad. this woman loved her new used car sans license plate. she was traumatized with the crime on her block which is why she parked on ours.

the xbi has ensured that i am safe for some reason.

but some of her threats were just funny. and when she took a breath an while the other ladies in my courtyard paused, i asked her if i could ask a question.

she said yes. because i am so handsome. in my long robe. at night.

i asked, can i have your text message number so i can call you if the alarm goes off again that way you can turn it off and no one has to leave notes.

later one of my neighbors called me a peacemaker which if you recall that was my new years resolution.

eventually the police came. so much excitement for our little block. we all talked for hours. videos had been made. police reports. edibles were exchanged.

the outraged woman brought many of us together, which is quite a feat since we had been locked up in our apartments for a year, alone. sad. borderline miserable.

we exchanged laughs afterwards in the group text chat.

and this morning her car was gone.


today ‘ucsb’ is trending on Twitter


that’s because some of the kids are celebrating how they got in to america’s newest most popular college

or they’re super depressed they werent accepted

im exhausted.

i woke up early to post my thing on Shane Nickerson, the Ridiculousness producer.

after i did i got some really great advice about Medium and a bunch of people want to write for my new medium publication, Del Playa

then i went to Hollywood Blvd to photograph this dude im writing another piece on.

and then i got a Popeye’s sandwich and the manager there remembered me from when i interviewed her for Los Angeleno. she said that theres a TikTok video of she and i making the rounds of when i was talking with her.

i couldnt find it. i will try again tomorrow.

im pooped.

so out of energy.

do i really need to eat vegetables instead of fried chicken?

the first time i went to the Oscars, i was there as a guest

i was so sad.

i had lost my job, my best friend, my mojo had evaporated.

little did i know but seven months later i would end up working there.

but since i was there as a guest and i was feeling so low, i had nothing to lose

my buddy mark had gotten me in there with him. at some point we split up and i was handed a glass of champagne and i met not-yet Governor Gavin Newsom and his wife (she was up for an award).

he was either mayor of frisco at the time or vice governor or whatever you call it. tall. crazy handsome.

then across the way, on the smokers balcony i saw Joaquin Phoenix with his family. he was nervous. pacing, chain smokin. he was up for lead actor for the master which i had actually seen at the arclight and call it liquid courage or what but fuckit, i thought it would be a good idea for me to tell him so.

and just as i was heading his way his sister sat down and he leaned against the table alone looking at his cigarette.

and i was all, Joaquin, why are you nervous, no ones gonna give it to whatshisname playing Abraham Lincoln!

and we talked for a little while there.

not one person bothered us.

a few years later i would see him at a rock and roll show at a bar on vine.

whats weird is i did not approach him there even though he was completely alone.

he was loving the band. white dress shirt. black pants.

and i think its because of this: at the oscars i think he really could use a fan to tell him he was great

because of course daniel day fucking lewis is gonna win

but at the bar, even in the back,

even with the cool rockers

he was the star.

today the 101 cafe was shut down forever

it was a throwback to all things mid century modern

on the ground floor of best western

at the foot of the hollywood hills

next to the 101 hollywood freeway.

it looked exactly like a place your grandparents ate breakfast at when they were dating


usually packed with hipsters,

jet setters,

and locals,

i know i ate there at least four or five times but not one memory of the food or the company come to mind.

it was perfectly fine in every way.

i dont even remember there being any issues parking, which is saying something in that part of town.

its shutting down


i wonder if best western thinks how hard is it to make eggs and bacon

sandwiches and whatnot?

i wonder if they think just any old thing would work in there

just because of the legend and momentum

just keep everything looking the same,

lease it out to film productions until everyone has a vaccine

and then find a young chef who knows how to make avocado toast

and mimosas

and call it a day?

put like a mini starbucks in there or something

is that what someones thinking up in corporate?

or worse are they thinking about making it a starbucks

plug and play

bing bam boom

bobs yr uncle

but heres the problem with that

lorde and sally draper arent gonna wanna chill at the starbucks under the best western

which, i hate to say it

was one of the nice things about that place

even the stars loved it there even though theyd probably get seen.

that sort of joint is rare here.

no offense