the feeling of relief is real.

lessons i learned:

• no social media for 90 minutes if im not making progress.
• no walks, showers, or “cleaning” if i havent added even one sentence to the Thing yet that day
• the devil doesnt want you to do it and will do everything to stop you
• the Lord does want you to do it but He just chillin seeing if you the real deal
• white castle fries only come in one size.

when i was done i sent it a boss i had 21 years ago!

i figured that since she has kids, it was late, and my thing was over 50 pages she would blow off even skimming it until tomorrow.

but in no time she had written me this:

that is what i needed!

so then i looked back at it to see if it had transformed into something incredible and boom right at the top i see a mistake. so hopefully that was one of the things she was talking about.

but wow. i have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and i got positive reinforcement from someone who is an expert in the field and whose advice i totally value.

what was it?

i wrote a thing about social media, brand building and recruiting in a global industry with lots of competitors.

i kept it real because who cares any more.

like really.

lou reed’s birthday was yesterday and arent we happy that he kept it real?

i need to learn why he was so angry so often even though he was always surrounded by great artists, musicians, music, and life

but whatever. maybe people will ask why was i so happy when so many things didnt turn out for me.

BECAUSE SO MANY DID, future people!

i interviewed someone who was so easy to talk with. sooooo easy.

in fact any time she was all, did you see this, did you see that?

i was all, yes. of course! and i had.

she is a shrink and the last question i asked was did she think everyone should be in therapy.

she said yes.

and i keep wondering what i would talk about in there because im good

but usually im thinking things like that when im procrastinating.

thats would i would want to work on with a shrink

how i could be more productive about work

so i could be lazier at rest.

it took me days and days to transcribe that interview.

it kills me to hear my questions and annoying laugh and weird voice

sentence by sentence over and over.

but when its over i feel so good.

its like being constipated for days, sometimes weeks, and then

ahhhhhh

imagine if i could just do it in hours, knock it out, and then spend the next two days

eyes closed, beautiful music playing from a different room

bathtub filling with mr bubble

all while trying to float into a

smoother plane.

im gonna try this next week.

if youre having writers block, dont write.

but he was a short story writer.

i get paid to type.

i can’t just not write.

plus the things i like to write about are timely.

this day has come and gone and nothing.

maybe four paragraphs.

and theyre all terrible.

i think im exhausted.

i think im thinking too much.

i think i have too many distractions.

i think i am a distraction.

R. Crumb when he was doing the Old Testament, bought a house on the top of a hill in France. but it was far away from his actual house in France.

his wife would show up on Friday night with food and supplies like ink (he draws with old fashioned ink pens you have to dip) and then gave him love until Sunday and then she would drive back down the mountain.

then he’d work.

took him 6 years to finish the book.

but what a book!

but i aint got 6 years.

in a perfect world i would have two stories finished before tomorrow.

but i aint no where close.

i think thats the problem. im trying to eat this elephant whole. and i have convinced myself i gotta eat two elephants.

i just wanna go to palm springs.

might just go to palm springs anyhow.

i am Lots wife. i just wanna look back at the past even if it kills me. hotels, margaritas, sunshine, naps.

it is killing me though.

ive gotta push through.

i should be writing something else

something far more important.

something that could be life-changing

particularly for me

but this is what i do when im procrastinating

maybe 15, who knows. but i can smell it and my nose is irritated so ive been blowing it

its sorta too bad i wasn’t a dad because i can tell

easily

if someone had been smoking in a house. perfectly.

YOU GIRLS COME DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE

what daaaaaaaad? 

I’m going to smell your fingers! Someone has been smoking?

OMG gross much? Geeze! 

Oh I’ll show you gross, young lady. I’ve got a half a bean burrito in me itching to fumigate this villa. Now tell me who has been smoking!

this week i was a busy body. and all of it made me feel so thankful that i was raised by a woman who was not mentally ill or violent or crazy or mean.

i interviewed an amazing doctor who taught me about violent criminals whose psychosis was triggered by this or that. we talked about the Joker movie and how she would have treated him. we talked about Kanye and Britney and racism and DNA and the holocaust

and it was all the things i always wanted to do at the previous gigs but for some reason i was not trusted or the bosses felt weird or… whatever. it never happened and now it is and i feel so liberated and vindicated because these stories are being so well received and i wanna rent a hot air balloon that says Told Ya on it, and shower the globe with marshmallows.

why those? who knows. who cares. cuz it would be funny. and it wouldnt hurt anyone. just like me.

then i did a bunch of editing and researching for stuff coming down the pike.

then yesterday i went to Compton and Inglewood and ALSO did stuff ive been dying to do: talk to THE CENTER of LA about something of global importance: the impeachment of the POTUS.

and when you pitch ideas in the real world, so often they are shot down before you can get out of the room. “come on tony, what do you Think those people are gonna say?”

we dont know. we never know. did we think Reagan would trade arms for hostages? did we think Bush 1 would puke at a dinner? did we think Clinton would turn a giant deficit into a giant surplus? did we think the GOP would be totally cool with a US president being super chummy with the Russians? did we think a bunch of GOP senators would fly to Russia on the 4th of July and come back and lie about it?

if people are anything they’re unpredictable AF. which is why i love them. which is why i ask them the most basic questions and often i am rewarded with surprising answers.

just like i was treated to in Compton and Inglewood where a young black lady said she thinks Trump is bad but Pence would be worse, so no. And an old black man said he likes Trump for a variety of reasons but he cant get too into it because his gf would get pissed at him. which is REAL, grampa!

worked so hard. did the things in the daytime. did some phone things.

was able to walk around the neighborhood during some of the phone things cuz i gotta get in my steps.

still had time to procrastinate a good deal before i finished the last 2/3rds of my super giant piece. the longest, most epic piece about a chicken sandwich that you’ll ever see, but i finished it, i learned how to get into the CMS, i put it in there, hit draft and

could not believe that it was done, and it was funny, and it was real and it was me me me.

the first thing i did there was fun and punny and sorta great. but then i struggled, which hurt my confidence and slowed me down on this one. i have limited attention span for these things. i wanna talk to the people, get it down and go on to the next thing. if i feel bored with it then thats what will come out.

but this puppy. once i got going again tonight. once i turned off facebook and trump and blocked out all the distractions, good shit happened. and i was laughing. i totally forgot that i laugh when i write. had it been that long?

the key, for me, at least, is talk to lots of people and ask all the questions. and laugh during that part too.

i am so blessed to be doing this. especially now. particularly with and for these people.

God is good.