hows anyone supposed to live up to it. might as well try to make art. might as well run around calling yourself a poet.

the reason there are 53 million blogs is cuz to write a blog means to be able to write “omg skool suxors”. to write a novel means… fuck if i know.

i quit last night at 6am. all night i thought about it. all night i avoided it.

today karisa called me from the airport and she hasnt been reading it, pretty much noone has been reading it, but thats ok. its not a novel. i dont know what it is. theres an ounce of truth in it which is why i hate it. i like no truth. i like all creativity.

instead ive got what ive got. which is forced.

sometimes forced is good because it helps you grow. i wrote like 9 posts on LAist the other day. no way in hell would i have been able to write 9 posts if i wasnt first forced to write 5. after doing 5 for a few months, 8 doesnt seem all that crazy and then 9 just happens when youre on a roll.

im sure novel writing is something that you can do while on a roll and maybe i will be able to do that some other time but right now im on a roll doing whatever it is that im doing at LAist.

today i found out that Jessica Simpson is scouring Match.com for a new man but accidentally ran into a male hooker online

these male hookers are everywhere.

Jessica Simpson, im youre new man. hopefully youve learned that buff pretty boys who can sing and dance, sorta, are only interesting when youre a teenager.

me, im just looking for a mealticket. i mean, a true love who wants to sit around all day and ask me random questions like “why is the sky blue?”

by the way… LA readers of the busblog, we’re having a contest at LAist for ten pairs of tickets to a secret Red Hot Chili Peppers show. all you have to do is put your five favorite cds from this year into the comments section of this post.

dont be sad that youre divorcing nick. you know what i say about boybanders: kiss em but dont marry em.

you dont see my girl anna k marrying enrique do you?

no, and thats cuz gay boyfriends are fun, but gay husbands arent so fun. they want you to clean up around the house, they want to play dress up when you want to be in sweats, and they end up just breaking yr heart babydoll so dont blame yourself, blame nature.

now the good book says a lot of things about married women and divorce and technically i cant really marry you since youre always going to be married in the eyes of the Lord to nick.

but.

but we dont have to get married. and to be honest, youre so fucking hot we dont even have to get it on. and from what i could gleen from your tv show it didnt seem like you were that into getting it on anyways.

so heres what i propose. i propose that you move into my hollywood bachelor pad and be my girlfriend. if you wanna buy a dog you can buy a dog. if you wanna call tuna chicken you can call that shit chicken and you know what i’ll do, i’ll say baby i love you. thats what i’ll say.

you know who tells someone as sweet and as hot as you that youre wrong and ditzy? xhusbands.

youre perfect. and you look good in uggs. you sing like youre having sex and i cant name one song of yours but you can sing em all around the house and i’ll just say louder baby louder.

and then we’ll get some food delivered and heres another thing, i will never interrupt our days or nights by watching college hoops and calling my buddies on the phone in the middle of the game and say holy shit that was a fucked up call.

what i might do is call them up and say jessica is dressed up as a school girl and shes thinking about buying a new purse.

yes i know im not handsome, but your handsome boy just broke your heart.

yes i know im not buff but people who are constantly making their muscles grow are making up for a muscle that will never grow

their heart.

i know youre being passed around by the jackass boys but you need to get out of that world cuz dudes who are that nuts about getting their balls shot at by firehoses and aligators dont know how to treat a dainty southern girl whose dreams have been crushed.

what you need is a blogger.

a failed poet.

a hetrosensual.

a very old one who will look at you from across the room and say stand up on that coffee table baby and spin around real slow.

and when you do it he’ll say damn girl.

you might even persuade me to move to calabassas, but only if tsar can play in the backyard on new years.

the state im in + dave the pa + welch was in the LA Times yesterday

to have just one woman writing in upset about the choice of photos isnt so bad. but for some reason it always suprises me.

and they always bring up the womanizing/misoginist card.

they cant just say, yeah he hasnt outgrown the swimsuit model poster on the wall stage.

a while back someone pointed out that a lot of my pictures feature terribly skinny girls. never noticed. that someone said that i should pay attention cuz there are a lot of young women out there who see the pictures on this blog and either feel bad about themselves when they try to compare themselves to the raymis of the world or they become turned off by me for what i am subconsiously propogating.

heres the deal about the pictures: theyre there to lure horny guys to the site. period. theyre there to keep horny guys coming back. (second) period.

the women will read the busblog without pictures cuz women are usually smarter. im not worried about my women readers. plus most of them appreciate a well turned calf or a sharp dress.

the men are easilly distracted, visual creatures; therefore you need to make your page visually appealing to them.

especially if your content is so-so.

no matter how many sweet comments that i get or panties virtually thrown my way i have curiously low self esteem regarding the writing that i do on this, my electronic notebook.

so the pictures must either be sexy, funny, or weird.

or inspiring.

and besides, arent we beyond these 20th century whines that Mass Media Images of women are capable of damaging the sensitive self-images of todays modern women?

scroll down a little to me holding my nirvana box set. do i look like any of the leading men in stage and/or screen? im bald, im old, i have a rash of acne on my cheeks, i ride the bus to work, and im a blogger. im like nothing that you see on tv or magazines or movies or white houses. and im happy with myself. why?

because Us magazine does not define me and if any of you are waiting for them to validate you, youre in for a huge letdown cuz look at who they give it up to: jessica simpson, ben afflack, j.lo, cameron diaz, and britney spears.

look who they destroy at every chance they can: jessica simpson, ben afflack, j.lo, cameron diaz, and britney spears.

fuck Us weakly who arranges talented women in police line-ups only to compare them on their looks and pick apart their every flaw. who question stars who arent married as being cheated on, who question stars who dont have children as being barren, who celebrate pregnant stars until the second that they deliver and then harp on them if they dont lose the baby weight overnight.

then they take helicopter pictures of their many mansions. then they try to humanize them by saying “they have their tires rotated just like Us!” and then show them sitting in the tire store drinking a cappuchino reading People.

if anyone could do damage to people’s psyches through images and text – which is quite a feat and impossible unless you have a fully willing victim-to-be – its certainly not the busblog.

this shits art.

la fire department blog + im nominated for a BOB + flagrant, you can crash with me if you need to

So you don’t know me well maybe you have seen my blog before but today I want to email you and say you are saving my life.

So I live in France, you see. And just moved to Vancouver. And everyday I sit here at my internship job and I have nothing to do but to browse the web for hours and maybe blog too but I don’t trust my words anymore and I am scared to write down my thoughts but I know it will eventually come back and it leaves me terribly frustrated but then I read your blog everyday

And i think, Tony, this guy Tony, he should be the President.

Well maybe not, but I don’t think you realise. If all americans were like you the world would be a better place and Prince would be the minister of Culture and everyone would be partying like it’s 1999 and there would be no wars and we would just have a good times.

As you know french people have some kind of…hidden anger towards the American people. Which can or can’t be understandable…For the main part I disagree and only hate the US government (and I study politics! I have good reasons to hate those mofos), but then they think ‘oh the american peeps must be as ignorant as the gvt’ which of course isn’t true if you watch Woody Allen movies or like Lou Reed and Wharol and read Kerouac, but is true if you think America is SNL live and Ashlee Simpson and only think as America as the stupidest country on earth with the stupidest TV channels, helloooo fox news.

Anyway this is getting off subject. Tony my point is, I read you everyday and you gibe me hope and you make me believe that it is still worth fighting for my opinions and Tony you show the world that America still has great writers/bloggers filled with passion and anger and rage and digust and hate and also lots of love. Yes i said it, love, for America.

I think America needs to be loved more. But America needs to start a revolution or produce more Tony Pierces in order to be looked at something to be loved.

That being said. I am back to work. This was a silly email but I felt like I had to tell you those things. Excuse my english and stay rock n roll.

Peace out,

Jessica

– – – –

Dear Jessica,

Prince would be on the payroll, im not real sure where he would be best used.

Minster of Culture though would be reserved to my friend Karisa who would light the bowl of the Worlds Biggest Water Pipe as it leaned against the washington monument where Anti would inhale the first legal puff of weed in the usa in decades.

I think it’s weird that the French have hidden anger against Americans. but i understand. when we travel we’re not the coolest cats. i was at Versailles surrounded by the history and across the street i could hear a woman in the scratchiest midwestern voice screech,

“hey harrrrry. they hahhhhvvveee berets here for just ten frahhhhhhhhnks!”

i lowered my cubs hat and hid behind my 35mm camera while flipping through my Lets Go and pretended that i was from egypt.

america is slightly less fucked up than americans and for that reason you should bestow some patience on us.

now, as for our government. i hear things like, “we dont hate america, we hate your government,” and i think, “you probably mean you hate our politicians, not the government.”

the system is pretty good, it’s the dumbshits that we elect who you should direct your anger toward. but i guess since we elected them you should hate us. whoops.

and thats why i tell people to quit voting like sheep for asswipe A or asswipe B and start voting for asswipe G who nobody thinks will win, but you like their ideas.

eventually we will get the right asswipe in the right seat and things will begin to change for the better.

whatev, its friday and the sun is setting and i am loving the email you sent me. thank you so much for it.

for the record, im not a huge fan of keroak. i read On The Road in paris oddly and hated it. i should give him another chance, but my real heroes are Bukowski Shakespeare and Twain.

anyway, vive la france. God bless Canada. and if you run into raymi give her a big hug for me.

merci beaucoup!

tony

sk smith + clever hack + the saucy rabbit

PJ Harvey tix on sale at noon today

for 8/16 & 8/17 at knitting factory

tonight 7/23

polysphonic spree, el rey

richard cheese, platinum live

bow wow wow, key club

harry connick jr., hollywood bowl

george benson, kodak theatre

rilo kiley, john anson ford

jewel, disney concert hall

go-go’s + motels, pacific amphitheatre

saves the day, house of blues

dan band, avalon

xo, the scene

tomorrow 7/24

weird al + dr. demento, citizens bank arena

rick royale, lava lounge

ohio players, vault 350

sunday 7/25

shakespeare’s comedy of errors with the music of aerosmith, roxy

carlos guitarlos, liquid kitty

tuesday 7/27

taking back sunday, tower sunset (free)

aimee mann, largo

the dukes of silverlake, spaceland

scissor sisters, troubador

wednesday 7/28

!!!, henry fonda

john fogerty, pacific amphitheatre

aimee mann, largo

julio englasias, greek

thursday 7/29

alanis morissette, greek

friday 7/30

mini-kiss, avalon

jessica simpson, universal

kd lang, hollywood bowl

common sense, malibu inn

ken layne is back + cuft box + why law