im gonna write something nice, just for me

cuz im still sick, and i gotta get in the right mood for a really important xbi softball game that’s going on tonight, and cuz im a little dizzy from the pills the nurse gave me after lunch, and cuz no one has bought a book from me in a good 3 hours, despite matt and greg‘s nice links.

and cuz ashley is mad at me for putting up karisa‘s picture and writing “why would a girl like karisa want me”. ashley called me up and said, “what, am i an ugly skank cuz i do want you?”

no, ashley, you’re not an ugly skank.

once there was a boy.

he wasn’t the brightest boy at school.

one day the people from the standardized test place came to his school and put a test in front of all the kids. the boy took the test along with all the others and he scored a ridiculously high score.

his mom said, oh there must be something wrong with your test for my son gets lousy grades in school.

the woman from the school said, “well what does he do when he comes home?”

the mother said, he sits in his room watching television and putting moustaches on the women in my cosmopolitans.

the woman asked, is that all he does?

the mother said, no, he also plays baseball in the street, and he shoots at doves in the forest preserve, and he listens to devil music, and he spends hours playing nerf basketball while talking to himself, and he fights crime for fun.

the woman shook her head slowly, writing it all down. and then she said, what sort of books does he read?

the boy’s mother said, magazines, not books. he reads spin, entertainment weekly, sports illustrated, playboy.

the woman said playboy?

the mother said, yes, he really does read it. he reads all of it. the interviews, the stereo reviews, the pigskin previews, the comics, the fiction by famous authors.

the woman said, but what about the nude women?

the mother said, he’s a Christian, we believe that there’s nothing wrong with God’d creation. and there isn’t by the way.

the woman said, well he got nearly all the questions correct. we think he may have cheated. we were wondering if you objected if we asked him to take the test again.

the mother didn’t object so the son took the test again, this time in the principal’s waiting room. same test.

this time he got all the questions correct.

the boy’s mother got a phone call telling her that her son was a genius.

she told the woman to hold on.

“hey son.”

“yeah ma.”

“woman here says you’re a genius.”

“hang up on her, she’s probably trying to sell you something.”

the mother got back on the phone, “are you trying to sell something?”

the woman said, “well, no, but i was about to suggest that you send him to a little bit better school than–“


the mother went to the boy’s room and leaned on the bookshelf filled with baseball cards, star wars stickers, magazines, boy scout things and said, “do you think that woman might be right? do you think you’re, you know, gifted?”

the boy was laying on his belly playing adventure on his sister’s atari 2600.

he said, smart kids wear glasses. i aint smart.

the little square on the screen was touched by a duck. the boy yelled something that rhymed with duck.

the mother said, tony!

then she said, explain that test you took.

he said, standardized tests can be beat just like this video game. the hard part is asking cheerleaders to be your girlfriend.

and the moon set behind the evergreens in the tree forest, and a light snow continued to fall on the illinois plains, and a lamp with chicago cubs stickers on it finally turned off after someone read the articles of a mens magazine and looked very closely at the pictures to see if he could discover any clues to the puzzle.

doc searls

when the comments software goes down, i get tons of email

ashley misses me awwwwwDear Tony,

Why don’t you throw down more pictures of Karisa and some of the other babeages that you kick it with??? Does Ashley get jealous or somethin’? And hey, where’s her blog?


dear br,

karisa is pretty camera shy. the only time she really approves of pictures are when she’s drunk off her ass, or laughing her ass off.

ashley doesnt get jealous. she knows i have a lot of friends and karisa is just one of them. a special one, but look at her, you think a girl like karisa is going to find any interest in a fool like me?

ashley doesn’t have a blog, she has an open diary. and shes too hot and too young to be interested in me. read her, you’ll see.


If I were, say, a poor high school senior without a credit card and wanted to buy a book, how would *that happen…

Dylan M.


i know you high school kids can get your hands on a credit card. you kids can do anything. thats why i love you all so.

how many non-high school bloggers, adults, if you will, write as much about teen blogs in complimentary ways like i do? how about none. how many of them write about cam girls in serious ways. zip. your generation can do whatever it wants. im sure you can figure out how to get this silly little book.

im also sure your mom would be happy to flow you the digits for a book of fine literature like what we’re talking about here.

but if you really really really can’t. send me an email and i’ll give you a po box that you can mail a check to.


How many books you sell so far?


hi irv,

not that it’s anyone’s business, but we’ve hit 25 preorders sold. i think that’s pretty cool.





dear pb,

generally i only link sites that i like.

i like my readers and i dont want to send them somewhere horrible.

heres some ways that you can get linked though. put my link at the top of your list. have something interesting to say. put up a picture that no one else has.

it also helps if you kiss my ass or rave about Tsar.

Yo T-Dawg,

What’s your feeling about my busblog title? What titles are on your short list?


dear cm,

so far i like, in no order of preference

1. Blook

2. hi blog, hi tony

3. I Shoulda Gone To Prague

4. Nude Descending A Staircase

5. I wrote this book by accident

6. smoke break

7. Dude, Where’s my Blog

keep the titles coming.


Did you see what Soundbitten wrote about you today?

Just checkin in.

Mc P

mc p,

i sure did. i love it.

as in LOVE.


guilty, winona, how do you feel?

this sucks. fuck, man, that was a bitch.

winona, we saw you walking around that store in an overcoat with hands full of clothes.

i was shopping. duh. i had already paid $3,675 for some other junk earlier that day there.

you were in “girl, interrupted” a movie about a girl who, among other things said that she liked to steal just to see if she could get away with it.

was there a question in that?

yes, are you a girl who likes to see if she can steal just to get away with it?

no, that was a movie i did years ago. i produced it. i starred in it. angelina won an oscar off it. in my mind that was a totally successful project. it baffles me that people might think that i am still trying to live through that character. it’s ridiculous, actually.

what do you think of the security guard who arrested you?

that security guard was insane. she got caught trying to selling her story to the tabloids and she got caught of stealing my celebrity friend’s phone numbers from my address book after she took my purse!

friends like who?

keanu reeves, bono, marc brown.

how did Peter Guber get on the jury?

Peter Guber?

yeah, the former head of Sony Pictures, the guy who helped produced “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” and “Age of Innocence,” films you starred in and made him a bunch of money?

Age of Innocence only made $32 million, sort of a faliure when you think that Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, and I were the big names.

Whatever, Dracula made $100 million, you starred in it, Gruber made money off it. What the hell was he doing on your jury?

Hey, i’m entitled to a jury of my peers, aren’t I?

But no one thought he was going to put you in jail..

Just cuz Mr. Guber is a studio chief doesn’t make him a dishonest man. But I will hate him forever, of course.

is it true that you wrote a confession statement in the detention room at Saks and it was not allowed into evidence by the judge because you hadn’t been made aware of your rights?

i woulda signed anything at that point. you know how hot it gets in overcoats in a store? i just wanted to go home. it woulda been my first crime, i would have to pay a fine and do some community service.

so you did it?

i didn’t do it.

so why confess?

why not?

cuz then people would think you’re a weirdo thief.

people already think im a weirdo.

i don’t.

nobody thinks like you tony, you don’t count.

hmmm, is that a good thing?

it’s a very good thing.

so what are you going to do now?

i’m going to appeal, go to disneyland and i’m gonna pre-order your book.

how about this idea that you might go to jail?

lots of cool people have been to jail: Jesus, tim allen, martin luther king jr., my godfather timothy leary, jim morrison, james brown, pete rose, mike tyson, st. paul.

do you think it will be cool in prison? surely you dont.

i’ll make it fun.

thanks for this exclusive interview, winona.

anytime, sweetie.

appellate blog

hi crazy turban sikh guy

that’s mr. crazy turban sikh guy to you, tony. i hear you’re under the weather.

yeah, i dont know what it is. its fucked up though.

take the day off.

im out of sick days.

here in india, you get as many sick days as you want.


no, not really, i just wanted to cheer you up.

uh, okay.

hey i want one of your books. am i one of the first twenty?

you can have a book, but no, we’re at 21 now.

arrggg. well, that’s okay. it’s still just $10 + shipping right?

yep. but only five more days at that price though.

thats a great price. how do you do it?

the presale books are just to reward the people for buying it early. i pretty much lose money off of those. i like good deals in real life, so here’s a chance that i can offer a good deal. plus it gets the book out there and once it’s out there i think people will like it and maybe buy more later.

hey, you still seeing ashley?

yep, saw her last night.

you’re seeing a lot of her, huh?

she was up here to volunteer at cedar-sinai hospital. then she came over. then she found out that Charlie’s Angels 2 was filming at hollywood and highland, so she kissed my overheated forehead and drove over there to wave at Drew, and they spotted her and made her an extra.

that happened to me when they filmed Empire Strikes Back here.



you have an interesting sense of humor, sikh dude.

why, thank you.

okay, im gonna get back to saving the world now.

hey, did they legalize weed in nevada yesterday?


i heard the repubs kicked ass last night.

i’d rather not talk about this right now, fella.

was there any good news for liberals in the elections yesterday?

yeah, in illinois they voted in the first democrat gov’nor in 25 years.

nice job.

yeah, he looks like a dope though.

more dopey than most politicians?

hmmm, guess not.

okay have a great day, tony, my american friend.

right back at you, crazy– i mean mr. crazy sikh hat guy.