the tv in hell sucks

sunday evenings i like to watch the sopranos and the simpsons. the sopranos are in reruns and thats fine, but i still have the simpsons.

not tonight though.

pissed my ass off.

my mom has been reading Blook and she says that it’s very visual. she also says she cant put it down.

that makes me happy again.

right before i was gruesomely murdered i had just sketched out the rough draft of How To Blog, the long awaited sequel to Blook.

i emailed it to courtney love, but it might have bounced back. her mailbox gets full quickly.

drudge was on the radio tonight.

in hell they love drudge.

he was going off about how the movie industry shouldnt be so proud just because they just had a decent year.

he said that in 1959 people went to 40 movies a year, today they only go to 5.

i thought, but back then tickets only cost like a dime. so your annual expense to the movies was $4.

you know what, forget it. he was annoying. everyone laughed. theyre annoying too.

they hadnt laughed that hard since when trent lott said that the reasons the democrats are after him is because he’s a Christian.

one of the little jokes in Hell is calling yourself a Christian.

most of the guys werent Christians till they got sent here. but now it’s too late. plus its not even faith any more. we saw Him. He looked at each of us. right in the eye.

then, right in our heart.

it’s easy to believe in someone you can see. someone who you felt.

so if one of the demons on earth wants to throw out a little ironic bitterness, they identify themselves as Christians.

so yes trent lotts a Christian

not everyone has to spend eternity in the pits of hell shovelling lava and being whipped by hooved taskmasters who have chariot wheels for hind legs.

some are allowed to spend time on Earth but of course theres a catch.

you will either be superdeformed or dumb as a rock.

or blind and smelly.

or a chicago cubs fan.

or the inevitable victim of a horrendous attrocity or tragedy.

or a republican senator who knows better but simply cannot do anything other than the work of the devil.

and even though you’d think that some of their life would be better than a day in hell, youre wrong because they know something really super terrible is going to happen at any moment,

so they cant enjoy the good because the bad might happen right when their mouth is open and their eyes are closed.

and this terribleness isnt normal terribleness like annoying neighbors being too loud or no new simpsons this week

this is from their hometown of evil

a name you can trust.

sk smith + dc + listen missy + bing

there is a newspaper here in hell.

it’s pretty bad.

i think it’s called the Los Angeles Times.

These people have the opportunity to talk to and write about some of the most fascinating people in the world, and they dont.

All the coolest people in the world stroll through here every day. Is that represented in the newspaper? no.

LA is the capitol of entertainment. is the Calander section that incredible? if it were, there wouldnt be soooo much room for variety, the hollywood reporter, the la weekly, and eonline.

but what do i know?

here in hell today they had me sending off spam.

apparently theres big money in penis enlargement cream and university diplomas.

it was my job to write fake-out spam. the idea was to make an email that didnt look like spam but that would make someone click it so that theyd go to the webpage, which of course would launch a half dozen pop up ads.

unfortunately i was a little too good at this, so sorry if i got you.

anyway the LA Times chose to interview me yesterday morning.

i caught a breif glace at it on the newstands today, but with all the fire down here, newpapers last about 10 seconds after the newsboys toss it from their trucks.

how have you enjoyed your stay in hell so far?

this is a terrible place. i hate it.

whats your favorite part of hell?

hmmm thats a good question. probably the freedom to be creative.

was it what you thought it would be?

sorta. i didnt think you would be able to eat so much, or that youd be able to have sex, and i never imagined it smelling so bad. fuck!

did you leave a will on earth?

yes, i gave everything to the united negro college fund.

what do you miss the most?

are you kidding me?

no, really, what?

ice cream.

are you sorry for the things that you did that brought you here?


how much?


you dont sound like it.

maybe you should listen closer.

what do you want to accomplish here?

i want to meet a nice girl and settle down. but sometimes i feel like im just chasing my tail.

annika + moxie + la blogs + brian flemming

one of the strangest surprises of being in hell is the fact that you can have sex.

of course you cant always get it up.

and your schween isn’t very big.

and most of the only girls who will do it with you have hair in the wrong places.

and bad breath.

and oozing sores.

and sometimes spare testicles

that ooze.

but it is sex.

only place you get to have sex, however, is in the sex palaces.

people pay big money to watch people have sex in the sex palaces, because it is the the strangest show in the universe.

everyone in the stands are given flame throwers.

if the fans don’t like the “performers”, they get to flame throw them.

the winners get flame thrown too, but the couple get to kiss first.

ive had sex twice at the sex palace.

the first time i got flamethrown right away cuz i couldn’t get it up.

if you had seen this “woman” you would understand.

she tried to pretty-up her donkey tail with a pink ribbon but her ability to swat away the horseflies was not only disconcerting but distracting.

first they laughed while pointing at me

then i was fired upon with a bukkake of flame.

i was allowed to beat off on the stage of one of the sideshow tents, and yes i consider that sex.

terms change here.

there are 41 different words for agony.

theres a bunch of guys who run around telling you that they believed in God their whole lives, why would He send them to this pit?

and i tell them that i don’t know.

and these men cry right in front of me.

and i tell myself, it’s probably an illusion. your mind is playing tricks on you. it could all be a big fakeout. don’t trust don’t trust.

how did these people buy cotton candy here on the midway?

i don’t even have pockets.

or pants.

everythings on fire. i walk on hot coals and it hurts and my feet blister, but i just let the tears flow. it’s almost like photosynthesis.

the fire creates pain, the pain creates energy that gets released in locomotion and cooled with tears, which keeps the body moving.

its pretty fucked up.

the music is good though.

oakpark mastermind + elgin roots + true + jaime