what was different about this bus was it wasn’t a city bus like the others, this was a greyhound luxury cruiser. it raised my spirits cuz i figured they wouldn’t send a sweet greyhound for people who were going to end up in Hell. plus this bus said it was going to Springfield. i hugged kurt and climbed aboard.
it was a long way to springfield and as always i fell asleep within minutes of the gentle rocking in the cabin. when i woke up i saw that we were parked at the foot of a giant escalator at second and euclid next to a curious solar monorail .
after we walked through the mortal detector we were guided to the escalator and an angel held a clip board and as we got on he put a check next to our names.
it was a long climb, this escalator. i could see all of springfield, shelbyville, and much of capital city.
after a while i was above the clouds.
i reached the top of the ascent
and then, of course
i fell.
i tumbled and
hurtled and
somersaulted and
free fell and
plummeted
and
plummeted
and
screamed the whole way
and then
out came two angels.
name
tony
game
what?
none.
help me!
age?
109.
now isn’t the time to lie
119.
you’re going to hell, mr. pierce.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
i was falling at a more rapid pace. the wind cut at me.
it was cold, but it was getting warmer.
don’t i get to be judged first?
you were judged as you got on the escalator.
but wasn’t God supposed to judge me?
He was The One with The Clipboard.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
i was dropping at a faster pace almost like something was pushing me.
but i didn’t do anything bad!
everything you did was bad.
but i loved the Lord
then why did you download all that porn?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and gigs of mp3s?
i was falling so fast i could hardly breathe.
when was the last time you went to church?
frisco?
nineteen ninety-five.
that church was a joke!
then why didn’t you find a new one?
you found new girlfriends.
you found new jobs
you found new liquor stores.
you found new vices.
you found new whores.
i never paid for sex.
directly.
the angel who wasn’t saying anything stood next to a plummeting blackboard keeping score. underneath the word angel were several dozen hash marks. underneath the word tony there were none.
you devirginized three girls.
they were women.
they were angels.
the blackboard angel lifted his eyebrows, the talking angel nodded and sighed.
angels.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
didn’t you notice their perfect bodies?
three more hashmarks were added to the angel’s tally.
but i didn’t know!
you should have waited until you were married.
Thats not in the Bible!
one of them went away for summer vacation and thought she was pregnant and called you and you didn’t call back.
i told her not to call me that summer! i wanted her to get over me.
she thought she was pregnant.
she couldn’t have been pregnant, we used condoms every time.
she thought she was pregnant!
she wasn’t pregnant!!
i hurtled down ridiculously. almost as something was pulling me.
you never studied at school.
that’s a sin?
you wasted all of your talents.
that’s not a sin either!
it’s not a good thing.
a mark was added to the angel’s long line.
what are Jesus’s brothers’ names?
Josis, Philip… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
the one angel nodded to the other angel, three more marks were put on the board.
i can’t concentrate under this pressure!!!!!
sure you can, name the Showtime Lakers
Magic, Worthy, Byron Scott, Kareem, Rambis, Cooper, Coach Pat Riley.
see, you can concentrate fine, so what are the names of the three other brothers of the Messiah?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
you’re a minister yet you don’t know the Word. you write your own words, but you’re not interested in anyone elses. you memorize porn stars’ names, and not the real names of the man who’s heaven you say you want to live in for Eternity. you are what is called a Taker, a User, a Sinner, a Fool.
watch how the Fool falls.
i cried as i plummeted because i knew it was all true. as i tried to argue back my throat clogged up and tightened.
your sundays weren’t kept Holy. you kept your football schedule Holy, but that’s all.
another mark was added to the tally.
we hit the Earth with a painful slam and tunneled into its core. now it got hot and uncomfortable.
you didn’t honor your mother or father. you were the worst brother imaginable.
i never touched my sister!
you say these things as if you’re proud. “i never paid for sex, i never touched my sister.” do you think Heaven is for everyone who isn’t a total monster? no, its a special place for special people who have beautiful hearts and thoughts and deeds.
but.
didn’t you conceive a video game idea where you would cross NBA JAM with Mortal Kombat and have the basketball players fight each other after a hard foul?
but…
and didn’t you have a halftime bonus round where the halftime leader was given a rifle and for 24 seconds could shoot into the stands and pick off as many of the opposing fans as possible until a vendor, child, cheerleader, or mascot was shot?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
you’re a sick man.
what about the Grace of God?
are you Kurt Cobain? are you someone who lived out in the jungles of africa who never knew about the 10 Commandments but was of pure spirit anyway? were you handicapped or poor or abused? no, you were a very well-educated, intelligent, highly capable Christian minister who squandered all of his talents unless it meant that it could get him flesh.
you’ll get plenty of flesh where you’re going, mr. pierce.
enjoy eternity where your heart truly resided.
and with a splash i landed hard into the scorching depths of the violently boiling Lake of Fire where i sank while my skin bubbled and burned off
hair on fire
muscles melting
i bobbed back to the surface, flaming,
swam with much difficulty as my hands pulled at the flames and not water
finally i made it to the shore only to discover sand so hot that the flames engulfed themselves
hothothothot i danced across the sand with no relief.
from atop boulders the crowds squealed with laughter and pointed as the spotlights followed me and the scoreboard spelled out my name and listed my crimes while the thrash metal ripped through the sky.
i ran to what looked to be a cold cold above ground pool fifty yards away.
i took long strides and cried with anticipation as i approached and then i dove
right into three hundred gallons
of ice cold
gasoline
which exploded, naturally
upon my flaming arrival.
tech law advisor + flagrant + ken layne explains the machinations of sploid
you better capitalize that shit, fucker.
kurt esped me. i didnt like it when he did but he did and it scared the hell out of me.
tonight 4/8