tagged by JimH

Five things in my (bachelor) freezer:
1. huge box of otter pops
2. gallon of low fat cookie dough ice cream
3. many boxes of bbq rib 99cent tv dinners
4. one half bottle of jack
5. 5 lbs of crushed ice

Five things in the closet:
1. this computer
2. an unused bong
3. way too many baseball cards
4. an award given to me by the Daily Nexus
5. some boxers i beat off in

Five things in the car:
1. my ipod
2. a stinky smell in the trunk because of a leak
3. a flannel just in case
4. 24 bottles of water in case of the Big One
5. a thomas bros guide for LA and Orange counties

Five things in my backpack:

1. laptop computer
2. three unused condoms
3. a notebook for something im writing
4. a picture of a girl in africa
5. an automatic pistol for later tonight

i tag grace + paige + sunshine + and jenny

this is not the guy i met many moons ago

at the daily nexus wearing a dress, drinking wine, and surrounded by women doing night production on the greatest college paper of all time.

he had longer hair, raggedy jeans, and like corey hart he wore sunglasses at night.

i guess we all had longer hair back then and more fucked up jeans, but the difference about todays birthday boy is that fuckin white boy got a hundred times smarter than any of us ever thought.

not only is he a virtual expert on central and eastern european history – somehow – but he’s only gotten more nerdy about his baseball history and neo-jamesian stats that would make guys like theo epstein say hold on what?

there will be a day when someone will let me and matt either run the dodgers or the cubs and after i abuse my powers and rip down the lights matt will trade away all the stars and replace them with long beach unknowns and i will make sure that every national anthem is sung by the best of the punkrock underground.

every game will be a sellout and bill veeck will rise from his grave and stand in line for bleacher seats.

worst mistake and my only regret in life was not following matt and the nexus crew to prague after graduation to start the first english language newspaper there Prognosis. i had fallen in love with jeanine who at the time was only a junior and i told matt that i was going to stay in IV, work for warner bros. and hang out with my new girlfriend. i believe that was our first and last fight. he called me a skinny sellout whiteboy and when he saw that he wasnt getting to me figured i was truly in love and gave me a hug and a kiss, and we were good.

a year later jeanine was in prauge and i was working for an even bigger conglomerate than wb and matt was playing guitar on the charles bridge and interviewing havel and getting good seats to guns n roses.

i had made a terrible mistake.

since then matt has married emmanuelle, cut his hair, appeared on the o’reilly factor, and basically made his momma proud. all without a degree, as ucsb decided to kick him out right before he reinvented the wheel.

in a perfect world theyd look at what he’s accomplished in the 15 years since he was unjustly booted from the fine institution and award him an honorary degree, but somehow i think his achievements taste sweeter without the sheepskin because he got everything he needed from his college university and proved to the world that renegades dont need your stinkin badges, they dont even need your cable tv, american ways, or californian girls.

he lives in a better house than you, his backyard is bigger than yours, his wife is frencher than you, and his country band is sweeter than yours.

and he can write even me under the damn table

and unlike me, get paid for it.

two fiddy, sal, two fiddy a week.

of course he didnt tell anyone that today was his birthday and here it is midnight oh six and his big day is over, but thats how real libertarians are – true independents, satisfied with a trip to a beach in malibu with his bikinied bride, a nice bottle or six of red, and maybe some seafood at a little place playing footsies and driving home down sunset listening to npr.

what did i imagine for matt welch in 2005 when i met him 15 years ago? completely ruling. pretty much what he’s doing now.

but for some reason i thought we’d be driving faster cars.

matt welch’s warblog + part three of our backyard podcast + his lovely wife emmanuelle

two years ago

today things were so much simpler

the summer wind blew a little kid’s empty saltine wrapper over the bike path, tumbling across the lush green lawn and nearly into the koi pond before i had a chance to step on it for the little dickens so he could recycle it into his backpocket

which a cartwheel easilly freed.

danielle was scooping out some yogurt complaining that shes going to go mary-kate on my ass and stop eating entirely because shes fat and almost before she could finish her sentence i had popped her good in the thigh

as is our deal for whenever she begins blabbering the ridiculous.

she grabbed her bare leg and laughed and said “good one” acting every bit the masochist that she probably is

although she claims the contrary.

my cell phone vibrated in my pocket and i saw that it was anna kournikova who has blown me off so many times ive lost count.

last time we were supposed to do something she blew me off to console her best friend who was having issues with her boyfriend who was spotted having outdoor public sex with a known strip tease artist

ive seen this womans work and artist is justified in describing her

but all the ladies in the house went omg ewwwwww! a stripper!

and convinced anna that she had to tell her friend that she was going to have to confront the little romeo that the free ride was ending.

and then they talked about how they saw him at Deep, the club at hollywood and vine that nobody goes to anymore because it’s so 2002 with its velvet ropes, skanky hos dancing in the ceilings and walls, and $10 amstel lights.

“i swear to you anna he was doing coke right there at the bar.”

which in certain circles is worse than cheating.

i wouldnt know those circles

all my friends are deeply religious.

or drunkards.

so anna turned to me and told me that she had to break our date last night to watch Outfoxed, the fabulous new documentary about how Fox News is slanted blah blah blah. i have it on dvd.

i said, why not tell your friend tomorrow so we can play tonight.

she said, if she has sex with that dirty boy and catches something i would never be able to live with myself.

i said, if theyre having protected sex then everything should be cool.

she said, she’s on the pill and thinks hes being loyal.

i looked at her.

she said, i know i know.

and i said, fine, but it means that we wont see each other for a week cuz im sure you’ll be consoling her for at least that long and she nodded her head and i knew i shoulda banged her in her range rover last week when i had a chance.

when i called her last night she filled me in, telling me that she told her friend about the drugs but not the sex.

“i thought you Had to tell her about the sex so she wouldnt catch something?” i said.

“i didnt have the heart,” she said. “plus shes so distraught that he is a cokehead that she cant even think about sex.”

who are these people you might ask.

fuck if i know, i might reply.

even in the throws of 9/11 i could have gotten it on with the right woman. in fact isnt that how we kept the terrorists from winning? dont tell me you didnt do your part for the country.

so there i was. alone again. pretty much lied to. nobody getting any in all of LA. all cuz one stupid ass cheated on his girl and fucked it up for all of us.

she could tell i was disappointed, and called me back minutes after we hung up.

“i really want to be with you tony. Really. but cheating on enrique makes me cry.”

then dump him i said.

“you know i cant do that.”

all these people who Can’t do certain things. things they know are the right things to do. Can’t stop driving down dead ends. Can’t stop bad relationships that aren’t in the slightest bit full. Can’t tell boyfriends the truth. Can’t stop the devil from saying, “i know hes a loser but tony is a player and since you cant hate the player hate the game.”

so when the little kid saw his forgotten saltines wrapper taking flight near the koi pond it took everything for me not to push him into the water as i passed by.

but i did it anyway.

the scene where greg brady is stoned

i loved the brady bunch big time.
in fact one of the many things ashley and i shared
was our love for the brady bunch.

this is the scene where barry williams later wrote:

“I was introduced to a thin, hand-rolled, yellow joint.
‘Listen, man’ said one of the buds, ‘toke slow — this is some real heavy shit.'”

“‘Cooool,’ I thought… Several drags later, the stuff had kicked in hard.” Which is when the Assistant Director asked Barry back to the studio “to shoot the driveway scene” where the makeup lady gave him a bottle of Visine.

Barry was stoked because he felt that this mental state might help him improve his stagnant role as Greg. “(I was) thinking to myself that my now-heightened sense of consciousness and intensity might give me a chance to completely recreate my role…”

theres a jana pants on my couch.

theres a destinys child on my stereo speakers. theres perspiration on my back. theres windows open. theres a suitcase and some boxes on my yard from my neighbor kicking out her boyfriend.

and until now theres been no friday posting on the busblog and here it is 3:18pm.

but the nice thing about video of karisa being funny is no one is going to complain if that shit stays up there longer than it should.

last night i went drinking with the LAisters at Don Antoinio in West LA. so fun. i love that place. it took forever for us to get a table in the patio so we just drank at the bar and chatted.

i was telling one of the girls who doesnt know me very well that secretly im very shy and sort of a reculse. she probbaly thought i was kidding since in four weeks shes dranken with me twice at bars and shes seen me surrounded by people. but she doesnt know that deep down id rather be in my walk in closet slash computer den writing to you.

got a phone call today from Jeff from Tsar who wanted to tell me that theyre playing next Thursday at Safari Sam’s which is a bummer since i am on the list to see Bloc Party at the Greek. but if i can get a different writer to go to the Greek then i will see Tsar seriously within walking distance of my house.

in fact i have been sorta working out a tad this summer and the other day i said, lets run to Safari Sams and back. lets say i didnt accomplish that goal completely which is why im going to have to join a gym because thats simply not acceptable. a grown man, particularily a black man in the xbi should be able to run a few miles without feeling like he’s having a heart attack. chopper one has made me lazy.

i decided that i should work for Pink Dot for a few weeks.

last night i got home and i had a knock at the door and the lady said can i come in and i said oh so you can just knock and get let in and she was all yeah and she smiled and i said this is why i had that satelite dish on the porch blocking the doorway so that random teens wouldnt think that it was ok to knock on my front door hoping that they could make lust to the famous blogger. she was all would you prefer that i knocked on the back door. i said why yes i would.

and she knocked on the back door and i said no ones home but the stove.

unfortunately i forgot to lock the back door or for that matter even shut it since i was trying to create a crosswind. and when she took off her shirt she covered her belly and said dont look ive been drinking a lot and im fat. i said you wanna see fat go read my blog tomorrow when i talk about you. she said youre going to talk about me and she perked up big time. i didnt know someone could have so much perk at 1am.