i took in a film today.

it was actually the new movie by a famous director and an actor who will never not be known for his famous role. it doesnt come out till the winter so i cant write about it.

it was a marketing screeing. except what was weird was they didnt ask us any questions at the end. as i drove home through beverly hills it occurred to me that perhaps they were just trying to see when we laughed and how loudly we laughed. and how often.

i laughed. i should have laughed more. i could have laughed more. it was star studded this film. not all big named stars. a few big named stars. enough big named stars. and the director made one of the funniest movies in the last decade. still the movie was not great. the premise was great, the acting was good, but something was missing. even i dont know what was missing and i know everything.

the music was good, the outrageous parts werent offensive or overboard — you know what, maybe thats what was missing. maybe they didnt push it enough. you know how sometimes you have really bland chili or maybe the ground turkey isnt the tastiest, the best way – and quickest way – to steer it away from being bad is by making it super spicy. a few peppers.

this movie could have used a pepper or two. clearly they were shooting for the PG-13 because there was no nudity, slapstickish “violence”, and very little cussing.

i hadnt seen a film in a while, and it was nice to see something i had no clue what it was about. afterwards i called anna kournikova and she was all fool im in miami except when she says it she tries to keep it real and pronounces it me am eee. i told her that me am eee is not on the itinerary of my road trip. and that who-oar had the nerve to say good.

i get a lot of emails

its super flattering. i know how few i write to people who i dont know, so i appreciate when i get them.

this week the emails ranged between congratulations on the busblogs fifth birthday, to am i seriously going to drive around the country to promote the LAist, to how i felt about the cubs trading greg maddux to the dodgers.

but the most emails i got were regarding a blog post that former LAist editor Jason Toney wrote critiquing what i’ve been doing over there. some of it omg critical.

as much as id love to be funny and say negro, please, id have to say that i agree with pretty much everything that jason said about LAist in his paragraph. and i appreciate that he didnt worry about sending me an email saying heads up bro im about to not kiss your ass. what that tells me is that he trusts our relationship and knows that i have the utmost respect for him and vice versa. of the dozens of people who i should hang out with more jason is near the top of the list.

but from his post came this incredible reply in his comments section from carolyn kellogg, also a former editor of LAist (and the main reason i got the gig).

I miss LA too much to read these regularly, but my 4 tops are LAObserved, blogging.la, losanjealous and LAist. I think of LAist as a foster child: Adrienne taught it to crawl, with Jason it learned to talk and walk, with me it learned its ABCs, and with Tony it’s learning to party and pick up girls. Someday it was going to have to stop being all responsible and learn how to have fun, and Tony’s the man for that.

greatest review and compliment that i could have imagined. thank you baby.

LAist is my dream job. i seriously hope to have it for the rest of my life. my only aspiration is to make it better. will some readers get frustrated and yearn for the old days? of course. everyone likes your early shit. which makes sense because thats when they got into it.

should we cover neighborhoods more? of course. will we? of course.

do i pay less attention than others to what the local papers and blogs are covering? of course. the leader doesnt play follow the leader.

LA is a huge city with literally millions of things going on at all times. most of them beautiful.

what some out there might not be seeing is the beauty of the first two months of a long long reign of terror. the inmates have taken over. and are getting paid. their favorite LA groups in order include nwa, janes addiction, the doors, guns n roses, tsar, the beach boys, randy newman, the eagles, black flag, the minutemen, suicidal tendencies, thelonious monster, and redd kross. they are the influencers, not the influenced.

they dont get angry they get even. they dont whine, they type. they make that change.

LAist’s heart, unapologetically, is in Hollywood. one foot in the myth-making and glamour, one foot in the gritty realism of broken dreams and plan b’s.

if your little block in the valley isnt being represented, either you should start a blog like many others have about their micro-communities, or you should cover it for LAist. unlike the rest of the world, i accept unsolicited manuscripts. not because im desperate for material but because one never knows where the next bukowski might be writing in from.

i work day and night seven days a week on LAist. last night i was alone with karisa, moist from a midnight swim and hot tub in her beachside apartment complex and i excused myself to upload a midnight movie on the blog on a friday night. and yet still when i look back through the week of posts i want more.

im going to drive across the country and up to canada because im busting at the seams with ideas and plans and concepts about blogging and writing and quasijournalism and youtubing and photography and recording and editing and photoessaying and motivating and yes america, fingering.

i need to get out of my closet. i need to get out of hollywood. i need to get away from sunset blvd and east hollywood and LA and california and out of my pajamas and get a little perspective so that when i come back in a few weeks i can see this city in a different light. because as anyone can tell you, lighting is everything.

i also need to kiss some girls whose zipcodes dont start with 9. no offense. consider it a cleansing of the palette.

and i need to see america. i need to really see how we fit in, what our role is, how we stack up, what we’re missing, and where we’re going. its no vacation or even working vacation, its all business. i will be posting just as much.

when i first started dating anna kournikova we made out once in malibu state park up against a helicopter once used as a prop for the 70s hit M*A*S*H*, and it was there that i started to realize that context is everything.

she kissed just like every other girl ive ever kissed but my brain kept saying omg shes famous omg shes hot omg its, but with your eyes closed she could have been angela romano, diane poliakoff, or even her younger sister heather poliakoff (the Lord has always been so very kind to me).

writing about America, and how dare i, Canada, on the LAist should be less about context and more about the lessons in each tale. those stories will be in LAist because its a long time angelino hitting the road, subconsiously and not so subconsiously comparing everything to his hometown.

the new yorker isnt written only by new yorkers about new york and its seemed to hang in there despite those who wish it were something else.

LAist will be the greatest city-based blog in the world. mostly because i wont be doing it all myself.

tonight for example, anti took this video of jana pants dancing with big tanky in a secret studio apartment somewhere here in the city of angels. and as much as laobserved completely rules. rules so much that on the second day of my reign i sent kevin a generous paypal donation, but bro will never have video of jana and tanky dancing on a saturday night on his top notch page.

everyone has a story to tell. theres room for everyone. my come-from has always been tell your own story, keep your elbow up as you drive for the hole, and when you get there bring it home.

mark prior today got his first win since 9/10/05

interview with:

ashley’s friend jenny

supertsar7: hi jenny
supertsar7: sorry i still havent sent your weezer stuff yet
jenny: that’s ok
jenny: i was starting to worry that it was lost in the mail
supertsar7: no, i just suck
jenny: haha, it’s fine, so do i
supertsar7: im sorry im making your friend all sad
supertsar7: she’ll be waaaay better off, trust me
jenny: i understand why you ended things though. but it sucks that you guys aren’t together anymore!
supertsar7: it was waaay longer than i ever expected it to be
supertsar7: i woulda thought she would have met someone else by now
jenny: well it doesn’t help that she’s not in school
jenny: she doesn’t meet that many people
jenny: but that’s just me being her mom
supertsar7: i tell her she should go to school too
supertsar7: college was the best part of my whole life
jenny: i know. i know she thinks she doesn’t need it, but it’s so useful these days. and she’s so smart and capable; it just seems like a waste
supertsar7: truly
supertsar7: other than the education, its the things you learn about life and other things too
supertsar7: just the social aspect of being in a safe little community of peers is a once in a lifetime thing
jenny: exactly. i mean, sure i haven’t taken full advantage of college in an academic sense but i’ve learned so much and grown so much and met so many people.
jenny: yeah
supertsar7: is bc much better than santa clara?
jenny: i’m at bu. and i’m really enjoying it. boston is so much better for me and the college of communications here has so much more to offer than santa clara’s did
supertsar7: are you going to take classes where you get to be on tv or the radio?
jenny: hopefully at some point. i want to get a radio spot next semester, i think it’d be fun. i’d probably just talk about sex and boys the whole time. that is, if they’d let me.
supertsar7: nah, we’re pretty shy about that stuff
supertsar7: this girl i worked with at the college paper has one of the best sex sites on the web
supertsar7: you should check it out:
supertsar7: nerve.com
supertsar7: totally arty photographs.
supertsar7: great astrology
supertsar7: free personals
supertsar7: its like an intelligent site about sex
supertsar7: way over my head
jenny: i think i went there once from your site
jenny: i vaguely remember
supertsar7: she was a super cool, totally hot photographer
supertsar7: now shes just a hot ceo
supertsar7: with a boyfriend named rufus
jenny: haha, that’s a name i use to insult people
jenny: i want to be a hot ceo
jenny: actually, i’d prefer to be a super cool, hot ceo
supertsar7: she is super cool still, im just jealous
supertsar7: what sort of company would you be ceo of?
jenny: i don’t know. i don’t even know what my interests are, it’s rather sad
supertsar7: that sounds impossible
supertsar7: maybe talking about sex is your interest
jenny: haha, could be. i think it’d be fun to write for one of those silly women’s magazines (which i admittedly buy every month)….you know, like ‘i tested 15 vibrators and these are my recommendations!’
supertsar7: ok, listen, any time you want to write something like that, i would love to put it on my site
supertsar7: so feel free to start right away
supertsar7: you can make up a fake name if you want, too
jenny: well, as soon as you send me 15 vibrators, i’d be happy to start my research
jenny: really? i’ve always wanted one. but i’m worried i might get addicted.
supertsar7: youve never tried it ever?
jenny: nope
supertsar7: carmen electra says she uses one 4-5 times a week
supertsar7: but i dont think shes addicted to it
supertsar7: this would be one i would want some chick to tell me about
jenny: haha, a hello kitty vibrator? what will they think of next!
jenny: i want the rabbit pearl
supertsar7: going right for the craziest one
supertsar7: scorpios are the best!
jenny: yes, yes we are
supertsar7: one year i dated six scorpios in a row
supertsar7: i would highly recommend that to any young boy
jenny: we’re the most sexual and sensuous sign of the zodiac
supertsar7: by a mile
jenny: yay
supertsar7: in many cases its not even fair
jenny: haha, well i’m sorry you feel that way. but we make up for it by also being stubborn, jealous, possessive, over-emotional psychos
supertsar7: but also mysterious and sultry and intuitive
supertsar7: im lucky i was born on the cusp of scorpio and libra
supertsar7: so im not jealous at all
supertsar7: or emotional
jenny: i wish i wasn’t jealous. it’s more hassle than it’s worth.
supertsar7: i think with practice people can get over it
supertsar7: although even God says that hes jealous
jenny: well i need a lot of practice then. actually, i think i’m getting better.
jenny: really?
jenny: well then i don’t feel so bad
supertsar7: yeah, way early in Genesis, he says that hes a jealous God
supertsar7: and hes very emotional
jenny: maybe he’s a scorpio.
supertsar7: could be
jenny: alright, well i’m afraid i have to go. my little french friend is craving some grub.
supertsar7: right on, good chatting with you
jenny: it was good talking to you too
jenny: hopefully we will speak again soon
supertsar7: cool!
supertsar7: au revoir!
jenny: bye bye!

three am with tony

i love you. nothing in here is true other than that. thats all you ever need to know. so lets go.

i have the lowest self esteem of anyone you know. and i have the dumbest reason for it than everyone you know. if theres an archeologist in the house, throw ten thousand years of dirt on this blog and then dig it up and you will see that all of this was a way for me to play chess with the demons in my head and the spectacular battle almost always ends up exactly the same way as when jacob wrestled the angel – in a sore draw where both parties limp home with new names.

me and karisa were talking about the bible and she gets mad when she talks about it. not as mad as elizabeth hassleback did on the view the other day talking about the morning after pill but theres an energy in her voice thats slightly on edge when we talk about the good book which is funny because no other topic does that to her.

we used to have a dog that would dig at phantom bones in our purple shag carpet.

he said what does that have to do with anything.

i said shhhhh.

he said im going to sue everyone here.

i said if you say that again im going to ring a bell and before the note has diminished your pinkie will be finished. and the agent next to me dug into her back pocket and tossed a shriveled up pinkie on the table.

i continued: pepper was crazy i thought at first, but what did i know, i was a teenager growing up in the suburbs of illinois. i didnt know shit other than knowing i didnt know shit.

but life is different than even we imagine it i told him. bloody from the sharp edges of the old office. shaking because he didnt know who the xbi was who i was or who she was and unsure if that was really a finger on the table but certain that it smelled like shit.

for centuries no one knew the mysteries of the gspot i told him and paced slowly as i walked. and not until the last three hundred years has man even understood electricity enough to harness it. and for only the last few decades has the black man been an equal to the white in america. and even thats debatable she added putting out her cigarette on her fishnetted thigh. i dont know why.

and she and i drank in front of him and she and i did bong loads in front of him and she and i snorted rails of coke off each other in front of him. mostly for dramatic effect but also because she would go along with any riff i started and vice versa, which was fun, and dangerous, which is even more fun of course.

and when the cocaine was through i picked up the gun.

and i exhaled and said ok, here we go.

and he didnt know that i have the tolerance of an isla vistan. the greatest gift the agency ever thrust upon me. and i play a pretty good drunk. and she was truly drunk which was fun. and she said tell him about the Spam tony.

i said my name is sonny. she said oh yeah sonny. tell him about the Spam.

and i took all the bullets out of the gun except one. and i spun the thing around. and i pointed it at him.

and i said all the spam in the world are messages from the aliens.

and i pulled the trigger.

but nothing happened except for the shriek and the piss and the pulling of the arm on the handcuff and the chair.

thats why the spelling is all fucked up.

click.

thats why the messages are always garbled.

click.

thats why the ads on there are always retarded.

click.

which meant that the next one was probably gonna be it. he shit.

so i spun it around and pointed it at the cute agent. instead of the bad guy.

who was so bad he knew he had all of this coming.

and i pointed it at the agent who i totally dug and told all the time which has always been my mistake. keep your mouth shut in the real world, tell all your tales n the blog world.

and

you’ll always have sexiness.

and she played with her hair with one hand, looked at me and only me

while dragging her pierced tongue across her top lip

and i shot it

and it hit the stud on the tongue ring

and ricocheted across the room right at the bad guy

‘s handcuff

freeing him

and tomorrow he will get a postcard saying

hi xbadguy

xoxoxo,

the xbi

tsar plays tonight at safari sams in hollywood