baby i know im not perfect

im just trying.

but yoda said not to try to DO so im doing.

i know youre doing too but only one person can drive the mach five and the stars above picked the prick and we’re stuck with it.

i dont know about you but what im doing right now is exactly what ive wanted to do since i gave up wanting to manage the cubs.

something i still havent fully given up on.

and im sorry i come across like i think that i know that im better at it than anyone but thats exactly how i played baseball too

blame it on being black. we like to talk. we like to pose. we like to dare.

people say they dont like kanye and some didnt like gary payton and some didnt like billy martin but i love all of them because they looked everyone in the eye and said im better than you im better than you im better than you

i loved playing against people like that. i loved playing with people like that. and i love working with people like that but only if its a fun im better than you.

like im better than you at filing this paperwork, im better than you at talking shit to the boss, im better at you than picking up one of the girls from the style channel, im better than you at writing posts on the interwebs of love.

at the daily nexus the finest college paper of all time mr pat whalen was better than me and at the first nexus party that i was ever at he put his tounge in my ear and said im better than you

and two days later i typed up my third or fourth piece for the paper and i walked into the office and he was editor of the paper and i put one copy of the article on his desk and i said im better than you.

and during the first iraq war he wrote a review of the janes addiction tape called ritual de habitual and typed it up and put it on my desk and said im better than you. and the next week i reviewed the first geto boys record and put it on his desk and said im better than matt welch.

maybe boys play meaner than girls but i dont think so. but one thing that boys do better is we make up better and get over shit faster and move on quicker. because theres a new game tomorrow sportsfans. theres a new paper tomorrow we have to get out. theres a new girl around the corner we have to say hey baby to.

when it comes to certain things im the most competitive person of all times. not because i feel nervous about things but becauase i feel confident about things. when you think you can hit the scoreboard with any fucking pitch they whip at you you aim at the scoreboard.

but i aim at the dot in the i of evil.


theres an art to not giving a fuck

that i have yet to master

for example some people can just read an email from you that says oh i dont know, hi remember me we used to be friends. yeah well i heard about that crazy bridge that fell down in minnesota and i know youre still in school there so yeah hows about emailing me back and telling me youre not squooshed by the side of the mississip.

and some people can just ignore such emails.

then there are others who can ignore assholes right up in their face. like im watching Big Brother religiously. as in only on sundays. jk. theres this chick Jen who i didnt like at first because she was simply Generic Bim #1, but this dude who thinks hes Tommy Lee Jr. has poured iced tea on her head, called her every name in the book, and even claimed that he could see her cellulite through her clothes and she doesnt even blink. she smiles and says i know i have cellulite. so?

thats a level of not giving a shit that i truly admire. in fact id hit that shit now and im secretly wishing that she wins. her or the black girl.

the gay guy stretches in amazing ways and i sorta hate that. dudes arent supposed to be that limber. it worries me. he bends right down without bending his knees and i fear that his poor back is gonna break. can the spine really stretch all the way that way?

lou pinella of the first place chicago cubs doesnt give a fuck. last night he had a guy up at the plate and the count was 1 ball and 1 strike and lou pinella of the first place chicago cubs said fuckit and pinch hit for the batter right then with the count 1-1. cubs won.

the key of not giving a shit, ive discovered, is to have an amazing Plan B incase the plan of not giving a shit blows up in yr face.

for example if you are at a bar in a foreign country and youre taking a leak and some guy sidles up next to you and starts talking crap about the good old us of a. you can get into some sloppy, bloody, completely unsanitary brawl in the stinky back room bathroom and possibly die, which is an option if your Plan B is “there just might be a Heaven which i just might qualify for.”

or you can say dude fuck off im black. nothing you hate about america has anything to do with me. go talk shit to some white people.

like your momma.

and heres a lesson from me to you. just because lou pinella can do it doesnt mean you should try it alone in a foreign land.

lou does it in front of tens of thousands of people and dozens of teammates.

and yes i know this is the kiss of death but i had such a good time in canada im going to write a book about it.


wait oh no stop shit sorry

just in time for thanksgiving.