i had such a good talk today

amber me giving blood mask

with a friend

who a while back got naked with me

and who now is married

and puts up with my lunacy.

we hardly ever talk, shes extremely successful

i am snot

and she said whats the problem, really

i said, i want to do some wild ass shit like for real

she said tell me all of it

and i said

[which was inappropriate]

and she said thats ok

i said it is

she said it is

and over time i went from all wound up

to actually super relaxed

in part because i cried a little on the phone

and i was able to get out all these emotions and testosterone

and let them fly out of my mouth

and after a while it was just me and her

so we talked about brahms

and how come he couldnt get the heck outta vienna

so he could be gay like he was born

it was very nice

then i went outside and talked to the parking ticket officer

and then the security for the church

and then i hosted a two hour online tribute to amber

with special guests ambers mom and sister

whole bunch of her hotel coworkers were there

i was basically the mc

i knew many of their names and when they talked about which hotel they worked with her at, i connected the dots and asked questions

one woman had written the sweetest rememberance

“amber was my friend. we would hike. i dont go any more. we used to go to zumba. she was my friend…”

she had broken english and it was adorable and heartbreaking all at once

i watched some youtube videos amber had made of me driving her around during the pandemic

it made me miss her so very much

i know shes in heaven

i hope she remembers me