and woulda swept them if the ump yesterday wasn’t shrooming.

in other news i heard excellent news about a good man who had a bad ticker.

turned out he got a new heart and a transplant in the nick of time.

one of the best people ive met. very happy for him and his family. God is good.

life is so fleeting. you never know whats going to just fuck up in our body and thats it.

which is why i send out so many dick pics.

jk.

walked past a sticker today that said “roger was here.”

and it made me sad bc roger is the name of Amber’s dad.

and i thought, if i was really a great ex bf id make Amber was here stickers

and put them around all the places she and i visited.

since she

was

there at one point of her too-short life.

i get sad about her more than i thought i would.

my heart is dark, but i guess its still working.

i pity the person who gets any of my parts when i croak.

and i have texted her saying im here

in the past i might not have been here as much as i could have been

but since amber died im 100% here

which is ironic bc amber’s death taught me i can’t fix anyone or save them or get in the way of destiny or whatever you wanna call it

hopefully i made some of the last years of her life better than what her alternatives were

and i did love her and said so and bought her gifts and took her everywhere i could and i tried sooooo hard

i swear.

but sometimes someones number is just up

no one knows why them and why then

which is why im just trying to squeeze out everything i can from my head and heart bc one day i could go justlikethat

and in the meantime im here

while im here

i like to think i have all the answers.

i like to think i can see into the future and inside people’s hearts

and sometimes i can.

peoplesupport – we hired like 400 ppl. 1,000+ came through me and i whittled them down with help from nicollette and shannon. but ultimately it was my yes or no and i used my spidey senses

the minute i saw amber i knew she was, like me, not here to bullshit you.

we could talk about almost everything, do anything. fuck fight and feast.

the one thing we couldnt talk about was her eating disorder.

she would get so mad

then i would get mad back bc i took it personally and say

you have to trust me by now ive been here through everything, just tell me about it, whats the root of it? are you afraid of losing it? do you think i wont bone you if you gain 50 pounds? i’ll tell you what every pound you gain i’ll lose a pound or gain a pound of muscle.

just know i want you alive

and she is not alive and i was her closest person for years and years and when she left me she died

so how am i not supposed to think this is my fault?

what i do think though is shes in a better place, cheesy as that is

but she did have a heart of gold, was nice to the richest ppl you ever met and the poorest.

here we are backstage at the Bill Maher show and shes with a General

once we drove up the 5 to deliver lost luggage to the four seasons in Frisco and we stopped over to get some almonds at a farm and met the farmer and his daughters and ended up talking to them for a good half hour, maybe more

ABOUT NUTS
and weed

once i said can i touch you anywhere? she said yes please. i said even in pictures. she said yes xbi. touch me anywhere. even when we fought she never said not there.

she loved interviewing people and putting their style on instagram or on her blog

i think this is a lady gaga show we went to. i took a leak and came out and she was interviewing this woman.

all she wanted to do was lift up everyone else. me too, but she was a mile ahead.

one day during covid, she had been laid off from the hotel bc the hotel was closed

and she said come in here.

she had a little office in my livingroom closet. she decorated it nice and during covid we were locked up in a 1bd hollywood crash pad. it was built for med students and serial bachelors who never had more than 1 person in the place for too long

it was not meant for two. so she built her own land in that closet. so cute.

she was looking at craigslist and she was all, they want Exotic dancers. are white girls from van nuys exotic?

she’d pose anywhere for me. wear anything. accept all direction.

if only i knew how to take proper photos. if only i had money.

if only i knew how to really be a good boyfriend to her.

she would gather things guests at the hotel would throw away. like totally full bottles of shampoo. and then she would make and give care packages to the homeless.

here she is with Walter, a guy who has slept on the street as long as ive been in this apartment. someone i would never have known, certainly not his first name if it wasnt for Amber.

she loved helping these people. she gave them $20 bills even though she never made much at the hotels.

she treated everyone the same. even shepard fairey.

even the general.

even walter.

if anything maybe she treated walter better bc none of those other mfers got kickass shampoo.

i feel like ive had the luckiest life ever and now im running on bonus time

ive had the greatest friends, the best girlfriends, i got to see the coolest music, and i had the most amazing jobs where they paid me actual monies.

when amber and i first kissed it was at the def leppard kiss concert at the forum

we had been on three dates and i wasnt sure if she liked me

turned out she was getting her hair blown out for every date and wearing all new dresses and stockings

i couldnt believe she kept saying yes to dates and as she told me later she couldnt believe i wanted to be out there with her

when you are a black kid in the suburbs of chicago and you think of california girls you think of blondes who live in bikinis and work in beverly hills

there she was. and there i was in my 50s. and not doing so well on the job front. she did not care. we hit it off and loved LA so much and drove everywhere and talked with everyone and we stayed at a whole bunch of hotels thanks to her discount and

i think about her every day and today i was playing some lady gaga while i took my shower

amber was a little monster. we saw her 2x together.

and then right after two songs that i never get randomly but i love

miley cyrus we cant stop and madonna causing a commotion

and i thought, thats amber saying hi

hi baby

we broke up during the insurrection

“is that thing more important than me?” she asked, while fighting with me, as i was watching the capitol get assaulted by Trump supporters.

the problem with dating me… im sorry, one of the many issues with dating me is i consider most things you say as an alley-oop.

say something you might find serious like that and im gonna take it and slam it through the net

“baby, they’re trying to hang mike pence.”

she stormed out of the bedroom, slammed the door and started packing in the living room.

im not sure how she didnt need to make multiple trips into the bedroom where i was glued to the set, but within an hour or two the noises i heard out there were quiet and she was gone.

for good.

life is so weird. so freaking weird. and i like most weird things. the weirder the better.

but this was not a good weird, and how it ended last year was terrible.

i tried for four years to be a good man to her.

i did ok. i never cheated. i never lied. i tried to help her with everything from moving up to the marriott courtyard in the valley to the Four Seasons. i helped her sell her car and pay off a bunch of payday loans. i did a lot.

i list them because inside i dont feel like i did enough.

clearly i didn’t.

but not every pair is fully compatible. we were about silly things. and we both do care about people and each other, but we were not the love connection youd think a couple would have who lived together for four years.

i think about her every day. i dont even seek out pics of her but they’re everywhere online and in my computers and phones.

and i truly hope whereever she is she is happier and able to let her entire heart be seen because it was beautiful.

and i was very lucky to see it more than most.

there are very limited circumstances where i desire to stand out

i know its hard to believe but i am not interested in being the story

do i talk alot on hear in LA, yes, but thats bc im trying to get the other person to talk more

one day i’ll try an episode where i give one sentence replies, or canned questions like that dude from As It Lays

im thinking about clothes because of dating

for most of my life ive been able to get away with never having to wear anything more than jeans and a tshirt.

id like to keep that streak going in part bc im lazy but also bc i feel the more i try the dumber i look, so why try

also i have this gut that rarely looks good in anything other than santa claus costumes

but im a hypocrite bc when i look at ambers old pictures i think about her clothes and how i either loved loved loved something on her that would inspire me to buy her something better

i bought a lot of her clothes and she was a good sport and tried them all

but mostly she just wore concert tshirts which i loved

was amber the girlfriend i thought i would live the longest with? no.

or at all? no.

and thats why i love God. somehow He figured, no ill use a little divine intervention on this one bc tony is just gonna sit around his house and work and work and not have this interesting journey

and it was

and i learned so much about how much a boyfriend can actually do

(not a lot, sadly)

and about codependency, which i def had, and will knock it off if i ever get another gf

and how if i ever start to get serious 

i will suggest that on one of our dates we spend a half hour just looking into each others eyes

trying to get as deep as we can

asking hard questions that cant filibuster

get to the point

and if that works out then fine, ill show you my favorite taco stand

was on a roll writing and working and i thought omg lets google amber and see what happens

wont be doing that again.

an hour later im back working.

today i published episode 107 of your favorite podcast

the guy i featured never told me if he liked it or hated it or what which is always disconcerting

but he didnt say TAKE IT DOWN so i guess thats nice

then i went and interviewed the most interesting man in his late 60s who is a novelist and TV writer who has a great Craftsman home. he grew up in South Central near Inglewood and achieved the American Dream.

he was so good but i feel like i didnt do the best job interviewing him.

then i got home and dilly dallied for my setlist work.

finally did what i needed to do but that took all night, ending at 3am.

and now im thinking about what i did the other day for Ambers sister, family and friends. i have all these pics. over 2,000.

problem is theyre very personal. many not appropriate for families. like her being cute in tiny boy shorts or topless or wearing sexy dresses. totally forgot how often she’d pose when id say holy shit what the hell are you wearing.

let the record state, we did not have a perfect relationship which is why we broke up 2x. but when we were together every day we did our best to make it work. knowing it was doomed. knowing there was an elephant in the room.

next to my resistance to commitment Mammoth.

we drove everryyyyyyywhere

pretty sure this is the Westside Pavillion roof right before it stopped being open to the public

we did this thing where id pose her looking out into the distance all alone

Date Night, she’d caption it.

so when we saw this totally barren parking lot i said run out there, sit down, and lets do a Date Night.

and i know i still sorta have it and i could probably get a girlfriend again but i wonder if the next one will be as open to pose for silly pics and

love me.

or just want me for my 1 pack abs.

who was so loving, and lovable, and sweet

and i swear to you i tried

but i fucked it all up

even when it was over and she reached out

i didnt know what to do

and i am so sorry. i wish you could know how sorry i am.

i think about her more now than ever

but what good is that?

how could i have been different? what could i have done?

are some problems unfixable?

no i dont think so. i think there are always solutions. always.

she was right here for years. right here every night.

im trying to think, other than a few rare exceptions we were right next to each other every night.

why couldnt i fix it

i was nervous that if we ever broke up she wouldnt be able to pull it off

she was soooooo good at work, i said to myself, of course she can

or she will meet some handsome rich guy and that’ll do it

but no

no

no

with a friend

who a while back got naked with me

and who now is married

and puts up with my lunacy.

we hardly ever talk, shes extremely successful

i am snot

and she said whats the problem, really

i said, i want to do some wild ass shit like for real

she said tell me all of it

and i said

[which was inappropriate]

and she said thats ok

i said it is

she said it is

and over time i went from all wound up

to actually super relaxed

in part because i cried a little on the phone

and i was able to get out all these emotions and testosterone

and let them fly out of my mouth

and after a while it was just me and her

so we talked about brahms

and how come he couldnt get the heck outta vienna

so he could be gay like he was born

it was very nice

then i went outside and talked to the parking ticket officer

and then the security for the church

and then i hosted a two hour online tribute to amber

with special guests ambers mom and sister

whole bunch of her hotel coworkers were there

i was basically the mc

i knew many of their names and when they talked about which hotel they worked with her at, i connected the dots and asked questions

one woman had written the sweetest rememberance

“amber was my friend. we would hike. i dont go any more. we used to go to zumba. she was my friend…”

she had broken english and it was adorable and heartbreaking all at once

i watched some youtube videos amber had made of me driving her around during the pandemic

it made me miss her so very much

i know shes in heaven

i hope she remembers me