i picked her up around 11pm in toluca lake in front of a crowded bar. her former boss, a woman, was drunk and needed a ride home to pasadena and Bella was being so sweet.

the whole way to Pass the drunk ex boss was all, “Bella i feel so guilty, you’re so young, you should be out there, im so embarrassed you are coming with me.”

and Bella was all, “Martha, you hired me. you promoted me. you were alway the best boss to me. it’s ok. Tony here will take me to your house and take me back. It’s my pleasure to do this. You would do it for me too.”

which is all true and this is just another reason women are so lovely.

dudes would draw a dick on their friends face with marker and call him a pussy and toss him into the uber and give the wrong address. but there they were: two slurring women hugging each other as we sped east down the 134 through Glendale.

dropped Martha off and Bella started confiding in me saying she was sad because “the boy ive been talking with said he couldnt make it to the bar tonight, and i’m sad. i really like him. he’s the hottest guy at [big company].”

i was talking to her while peeking at the rear view mirror to try to judge how hot she was, but I intentionally try not to look at my female passengers at night because I have enough problems as a Libra falling in love with people instantly.

let me ask some questions Bella, if you don’t mind.

yes please, Tony, she said. By the way she called me Tony at the end of every sentence. a tad annoying but whatever. it was 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and i was making $46 because of all the nights a year you make reasonable money, new years eve is one of the top three.

have you been on a date with him before?

define date tony.

you arrange to do something, he picks you up, you do the thing, theres some sexual tension when he drops you off at home, if you’re lucky theres a smooch and then you tell all your bffs immediately what you want to name his babies.

we did have 1 date, at a brewery, and there was a kiss, tony.

when was that?

two months ago.

i hate to tell you this Bella, but handsome boy has too many options. thats why there hasnt been a second date and why he didnt wanna go to toluca lake for nye.

and she started to cry.  fuck.

through the sobs she told me shes 25, lives with her immigrant mom, and feels like she is behind her friends and The World.

i was all, bella, it’s not a race. also, do you wanna be a 30 year old divorcee with two kids? there are worse things than being an incredibly big hearted 25 year old in the back of the greatest uber in LA

she laughed and blew her nose into the jack in the box stack of napkins i handed her.

do you have cats, Bella?

yes! yes i do tony!

ok if your cats are fed and snoozing across the room and you are on the couch and you want them to come to you and lay on your lap, and you call them or scratch the couch pillow next to you do they come?

no, tony.

do they come if you haven’t fed them?

sometimes tony.

you cant feed these bitch boys baby. let this pretty man starve a little. stop telling him about places youre gonna be. stop inviting him to go hiking, thinking youre gonna lure him in your Alo pants. every girl has Alo pants.

i have Lululemon, tony.

i paused imagining that pretty voice in canadian seethru pants.

do you know what im saying Bella?

but tony what if he never texts me again?

Bella, we live in the second most populous city in the united states. what is your background?

i’m Salvadorian.

do you have any kids or an ex husband?

no.

no offense but what? do you know rare it is for a beautiful 25 year old Latina to enter a dating  situation with no kids?

she started crying again comparing herself to the others.

no need to cry. you have an advantage over all the chicas. you dont see that when you go to Latin clubs?

i dont go to clubs, tony.

well promise me in 2024 you will. because you will get eaten alive. in the best way.

and we pulled over in front of the bar.

by the way, the entirety of the ride back she was leaned forward in that back seat, she kept bumping my side with her hand because she wanted to talk closer to me. occasionally she would say sorry if she hit my side hard.

i was wearing my covid mask.

at the curb she didnt leave that position. very close to me. she tried an awkward hug but mostly got the back of my seat. then she kissed at my face but pecked 89% mask.

i turned around to her.

trust me, dear reader, if anyone was overdue for a smooch at that time it was yours truly. i havent gotten a good old fashioned sloppy one since my last gf. years ago. its been quite the dry spell. but Bella was slurring, clearly emotional, and trust me, i know what i could have said to have gotten a tiny bit of action on one of those tree lined side streets off Riverside Drive.

but thats playing with fire.

so when i turned around to her, she retreated and laid back in the seat so i could get a good look at her for once and holy 2024, fresh face, beautiful hair, well pressed blouse and a pair of oversized Ann Taylor slacks you’d see Lauren Bacall wear with a blazer and no shirt.

she was dressed to get kissed.

and here it was 11:45pm and her body language was saying come here dummy.

i said holy shit bella youre a knock out. here’s the business card to my podcast. my email address is on the bottom.

next week i want you to go to a latin club in this exact outfit, and go alone and dance and speak spanish and if you are not the princess of the dancefloor with every guy in a cowboy hat sipping Modellos. and if they don’t all swarm you and fight over you, email me and tell me im an idiot.

youre not an idiot tony. and she leaned forward and took a picture of the business card and tried to kiss me again but i gave her mask.

she plopped back in the seat and pouted.

i could smell her ariana grande Ari perfume as i waved good bye when she finally slid out of the car. i waved but didnt look back because looking is what leads to these stories ending forever.

no tip from martha.