so i knew it had to drive longer and further, luckily traffic was surprisingly non existent.
dave chappelle says he wont be cancelled because he doesnt believe in twitter.
she was an exhausted exotic nyc model going from hollywood to lax at about 9pm for the red eye.
she was so pretty but also a wee bit nervous about traffic. i said chappelle doesnt believe in being cancelled and i dont believe in traffic
she said what? do you fly?
sometimes.
as we drove through silver lake she said something like i love the east side
i said do you work a lot in LA?
about once a month.
ok, then dont call silver lake the east side. thats what the ny times would do.
at this point i knew i wasnt going to get a tip, but someone had to tell her,
then what do you call it?
you call it silver lake.
she said but why not the east side, it’s east of the beach.
everythings east of the beach i thought in my head but did not say because she was not dumb she was jetlagged from flying out the day before, working all day, dinner and drinks with friends at horses
silver lake is east of places like beverly hills and hollywood, i explained as nice as i could which is hard because im terrified im turning into a grumpy old man, but it’s not what angelenos call the east side unless they want to get into a fight – a verbal fight
so what is the east side she asked and i said, east of downtown.
but what is even over there she said
i said real east side shit which in many ways is the opposite of silver lake
she was not happy with this conversation which made me sad because here i have this beautiful model who is also multi talented it was later revealed and was probably falling in love with me and if i had just let her be wrong we’d be texting selfies right now
but i have the biggest mouth
traffic was bad on the 101 so i changed the subject and said most people think this is traffic
she said, this is traffic
i said the right lanes are traffic lets scooch over all the way to the left like how mark twain woulda done when he was a steamboat pilot in life on the mississippi, you gotta know the patterns, which side of the rivers gonna fuck you and which is gonna help you slide around the basic bitches
a group of two lanes of cars were red lights on the slow lanes of the hollywood freeway east as it crept to the 110 and 5 interchanges. stay left as long as you can. soon the backup will die down and you can merge over with ease, skating into the off ramp and into the hells mouth of the 110 south through DTLA
red lights for days. traffic, she said, not one bit impressed that i zipped around that jog jam behind us.
opportunity, i said and turned down the bee gees
id drive more but without rest my arms and hands get sore. and who knows when the benz is just going to disintegrate like the bluesmobile did at the end of the blues brothers.
but driving at night in LA, calling your shots to a super sharp new yorker who hates you so much now bc youre being cocky, is extremely fun. and for once profitable.
$29 to LAX? do you know how many ive taken for $20? $21? desperate. gambling a tip would be involved or a sweet ass fat ride out of LAX? did uber see i was driving way more for Lyft lately? of course they track us. we give them that permission so we can use the app.
as everyone merged to the left of the already congested 110 in front of the beautiful westin bonaventure, i kept to the right where you just have to not get hit. thats your only job. and then get to the magical overpass thing around 6th street. did all those things and got back on the 110 with ease and turned up foghat
my jetlag just hit me she said, leaning back in the seat
probably a hint to let her nap for the next 20 minutes but you shouldnt nap before a red eye because you might not be able to get to sleep when youre in the plane
i love new york i told her. every time i go i have a great time. but i gotta tell you, those rats, like wtf?
it’s a disgusting city she said
and with her hate now directed elsewhere, we sped onto the upper deck carpool lanes above the 110 next to USC and talked shit about our Black mayors