im very confused.

i think most of it stems from the fact that i hate my favorite radio station, kroq 106.7 which plays crap after crap after crap.

and everyone is a ho.

and theres definitely not nearly enough pimpz.

i want a fur coat and a louis vuitton cowboy hat and a cane and a little bling and some game.

i want a gold cadillac that smells like corinthian leather inside that has a disco ball and a stand up coin op version of defender in the back and an eight track and a girl who really likes me, waiting.

i want to go to memphis tennessee and drive my cadillac to elvis’s house and go to his gravestone and say, king, i wasnt into you when i was younger but i am now, and i think youre great, and im sorry about the pills and the way life goes down sometimes.

i want to work at a dairy queen for a little while this summer.

i want to wear a paper hat and grill up braizers and watch people fresh out of swimming pools huddled in their towels dripping and smelling of chlorine do the hot asphalt dance as they wait for their chocolate dipped soft serve to be presented from the walk-up window.

i want a new summer job every week.

i want everything, america.

i want to work at a mental institute like karisa did.

can we talk about karisa for a minute?

k.

yesterday she sent me some pictures of her weekend trip to vegas and she had a rash so she laid out in the sun like professor science and the suntan/burn killed the rash and gave her the most deep dark tropic tan

and in this one picture her eyes are so perfect and those blue eyes surrounded by

maybe we shouldnt talk about karisa

lets talk about pharrell from the neptunes, n*e*r*d, lets talk about everything that guy touches is perfect.

how hes not afraid to go falsetto way too much but it doesnt matter cuz its the right thing to do.

lets talk about how he can just wear any tshirt he wants and its great and how he can be sexy and even dirty but it dont matter.

les talk about anything other than what im going to have to talk about today in real life.

one of the biggest movie stars in the history of the world is gonna be at the office today and im going to be too busy to even poke my head in there.

so last night i was miserable. havent been that miserable in a long time.

i wanted to run home but the black man cant just start running. i wanted to take a cab home but i wanted to spend that money on taking karisa to dinner and drinking and eating away my dumb sorrows.

and i got home and she called me and we talked and everything was better, not completely, but enough.

and then my buddy greg vaine called who had edited a short little movie that we made together and he told me that he wanted to make another dream come true and he had a date in july that he wanted to do it and i wanted to cry when i had gotten home but i dont cry.

then a super hot girl came over and we watched the zep dvd and she had said that she had it at home but she didnt want to watch it alone and how everything that night was working out.

and we toasted with our budweisers

and tonight i will get to hang out with my pal amy who rules.

and i might see layne.

who has been crank calling me.

and still i wonder what all this is about. what it means. what its for.

cuz i thought i knew but now i forgot.

im just ready to rock.

chris howell + jason goldman + anita rowland

he’s lived his whole life. he’s seen things.

he doesnt want to be on the hollywood rock walk

what he wants to do is be across the street at that mexican restaurant.

in the dark.

margueritas melting, wet burrito steaming,

one last dip of the chip into the salsa.

lou reed worries me.

what happens if you write some of the best stuff of all time and sing it perfect and play it perfect and then one day it just all goes away.

when was the last good lou reed song? sweet jane? thirty years ago?

i dont want to go 30 years inbetween sweet janes.

all that stuff worries me.

jimmy page wrote zep one, two, three, four, and the rest and then never wrote another good song again.

how can people write such great music for years and then it all dries up.

not even a drop left.

we listened to johnny cash in palm springs.

some people have never lost it.

bukowski never lost it.

lou reed doesnt want to be at guitar center with his hands in mush surrounded by nobody named andy warhol.

i didnt sing to the cute baby like the gnome girl woulda wanted

but for some little kids i will one day

and some nights theyll get some heavy doses of the velvets.

and one day we’ll be where we should.

missing raymi + treacher + makeout city + nocturnal angel + reason: hit and run

nobody ever gets named right. to ny. to new york. backwards y not. why not.

i don’t live in new york, im not going to new york. i don’t run around as carefree as a butterfly, i barely even get drunk. im as normal and as californian as a midwesterner from dc can be. but when they named me they shouldnta called me tony.

fuck up they should of written on their shoe sole in magic marker and kicked me in the forehead instead of spanking me hello.

people who know about the xbi talk shit about the xbi and some of it is just and some of it i defend well and some of it i cant at all.

today i fucked up big time.

today people got hurt.

we aim at the brain in the xbi.

fbi aims at the leg.

cops aim at the heart.

fbi can aim at the leg and hit it a lot of the time.

xbi don’t mind getting shot back at. plus we’re trying to send a message on the streets. an s-o-s to our world.

don’t fuck with the x

cooperate with the crazy.

listen and speak and do what we say or we will send trains into your homes filled with lumber.

and there’s two guns on the nose of chopper one.

machine guns.

fully automatic machine guns that are supposed to be filled with rubber biscuits but i didn’t check them and while i was on vacation this marine took chopper one up and showed off and used the bullets and not the biscuits and i should have checked but i don’t have any attention to detail.

i don’t cross my ts and dot my eyes.

which is why

im not fbi.

and today we were after gang members. real ones. teenaged ones.

innocent ones really.

innocent because of youth, not actions. actionwise they’re guilty. guilty guilty guilty.

like me.

and i was sending warning biscuits at their heads but i wasn’t lobbing biscuits i was blazing bullets.

they flew straight like lasers and ended careers and widowed and erased things

and started things

sad things

and i pulled up and said what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

and i heard the marine say didn’t you check your weapon

which is what he calls my pal chopper one

even though he knows i hate it called that

and i couldn’t say anything and i wanted to die

the gloom swept me like a bong rip of bad trips

i was blanketed with dread and in my ear i heard forget it… gangmembers… killers… uneducated… a waste.

they were arguing.

but i was to blame. this isn’t what its about. this is so lame.

and ive been wanting to quit the xbi for so long and ive been telling you that but it really is equal parts superhero equal parts thuglife and that’s so not me.

neither is me.

i wanted to cry i wanted to die i wanted to lie.

i wanted to go land it and run home and i got back and i didn’t say bye to anyone and i walked to the bus stop and kept walking and kept walking

got stuck in traffic trying to read

and

quit.

and yes i upgraded it yesterday.

and blogger is being upgraded, and i thank them for that.

yesterday i got an interesting email regarding the comments and blogger and me and my alleged Status in the blogosphere.

this person said that she has been holding back the praise to me because she sees me getting it all the time and im glad the comments are rickety today because this isn’t about trying to milk more praise from you all.

but Blogging is really new and the thousand people who come here every day is a really nice thing, but its nowhere near the 80,000 that Instapundit gets and therefore I have never regarded myself as an A-List or Big Time blogger.

Plus any positive thing that anyone says about me is very welcomed and does not fall on deaf or jaded ears. It all makes me smile and it all makes me want to write more and more.

Please dont think that just because the average blog gets a fraction of the traffic that i get that that means that instantly makes me feel like a great writer, or heals any confidence issues that I have. it helps but it doesn’t heal.

libras they say have very low self esteem. and in that case im very much a libra. but its not a big deal the way it used to be. its sorta like a tooth that acts up occasionally.

ive done my best to turn it into a motivating device. for example i know that i’ll never be able to write like layne or welch or the rabbit, but i can do photo essays and fake interviews and lie and lie and lie, which would be different than them, not necessarily better.

anyway, i guess the point of all of this is if you read something online and you like it you should tell the person regardless of the perceived popularity because odds are everyone likes to hear nice things. i know i do.

also if you really like a site or blog that you think is popular and you dont want to link to them because you think they get enough links, i can understand.

but i still like to be linked by everyone who likes me and reads me daily.

when i get 80,000 hits a day maybe i will feel differently.

i’ll let you know then.

instapundit + brett lamb + black mask

my man matt suggested in my comments that i run for governor for the state of california, a state that ive been lucky enough to be a resident of for the last 19 years and 18 days.

he says that i should run because no one else is going to run democrat worth a damn.

he says i should run because no one else is going to have a platform of legalizing weed under the threat of secession.

and he says i should run because the groundswell of blogger support will most definitely secure my success.

and he says that tsar should play at all my rallies.

he left out van halen (minus sammy, plus dave.)

matt wants me to be californias first black governor but i don’t wanna do it.

california as a state is one thing, and as a political state its a whole nother animal, not really one that i want to be involved in.

and sacramento?

sacramento is just a town where the lakers are assured victory, its not somewhere that i would want to live for eight years.

talk about heat. palm springs was a walk in the park compared to a summer in sacto. if i was governor i would have to escape to my lake tahoe retreat as much as possible.

plus i want willie brown to be our first black governor.

i don’t care what anyone says.

every other state is allowed to have terrible guys run their state, at least with willie ours would be interesting.

if i was the governor i would fix the freeways. for some reason we are in freeway denial here. more and more people move to cali and they bring their wives and kids and all of their cars and we pretend that the 405 doesn’t need to be any wider or the 10 or the 101.

and everyone pretends that you can just keep building and building in la and its not gonna matter.

i would put my hands on my hips and i would say more freeway lanes, less houses.

id get shot at a bunch but i would shoot right back, fuckers.

id turn the 5 freeway from bakersfield to fresno into the american autobahn, since this is the land of the free.

so much would be solar powered you wouldn’t even believe it.

june sixth of each year would be nudie day where everyone would be encouraged to walk around nude.

yes, everyone.

im not ashamed.

october twenty second would be shake the hand of a hundred people day because even though i am pretty disgusted with the catholic church one of the things i got nervous about but liked was when you’d turn to your neighbor and say peace be with you.

there’d be free aids tests at every hospital and free condoms at the malls and yes

the state would be wireless.

since we’re not savages.

but best of all,

skateboarding would not be a crime.

bonnie and charlie are WHAT? + charlie + charlie and bonnie + bonnie

in malibu.

everyone gets married in malibu. its pretty there.

its sorta painted into the corner of la so you can get stuck there pretty easy if the one is jammed, but if you get stuck there youre lucky because theres no where else better to be in the world unless youre 90 minutes north or four hours south.

i told my crew that i wasnt coming in today and my boss said i had to come in that my vacation was over, and i said, no sorry i need one more day cuz of adam sandlers wedding and he said you aint going to adam sandlers wedding and i said i swear. and then he said if adam sandlers so fancy whys he getting married on a monday and not a sunday or saturday.

and i said that its cuz adam sandler is a romantic and he met his bride on this day several years ago and this year it just happened to fall on a monday.

and he said that it sounded like bullshit to him.

and i said im sorry that it sounded like bullshit to him but i had to go to malibu and i didnt want to go but it was adam sandler.

and he said if you know adam sandler tell me one thing that is going on with him that i dont know about.

and i said, he’s going to make another movie with drew barrymore very soon.

he said, he is?

i said, yes, of course he is. he is!

he said, well thats pretty good.

i said, yes it is.

and then he let me go to adam sandlers wedding.

and if i was allowed to bring a camera i woulda taken a super cute picture of karisa tearing up a bit when adam told his bride how much he loved her and how he would never let her have a sad day in her life.

and then my boss found out that adam sandlers wedding was really on sunday and he told me that he wanted to see my ass first thing tuesday morning.

so now im trying to find out where one rents a donkey in hollywood.

its richard giles’s birthday + that broken valley girl + splink + bunnie

came to a spectacular ending this evening thanks to joint cooperation between the indio county sherrifs department and an undercover pair of superheroes who mysteriously found the infant and returned it to its billionaire parents in a tearful and emotional reunion.

this is tony pierce reporting from hollywood.

i didnt want to do it but i went back to the kinkos on highway 111 in palm desert even though they had charged me $24/hr for internet access.

since it was the only copy shop for miles, i asked the proprieter if he had happened to see any missing baby fliers get copied or distributed. he said yes and pointed to his corkboard which was littered with lost and found, wanted, missing, and services rendered fliers and etc.

and right in the middle was the good little girl who barely said a word other than elmo and do-do on a flier that said missing, reward.

in palm springs is it necessary to put a price on a child, i thought?

after i dialed the number i wondered how i could find out what the reward would have been if i actually wanted the money but i realized there would be no tactful way to ask and no tactful way to collect either.

collecting on a runaway german shepard would be so much easier.

fortunately i dont do hardly anything for the money. i do pretty much everything for the fun of it.

and it was fun being with the little kid who we called Babita

we learned that life is precious. That even if youve been around something for a year you still not be totally ready to understand it, even if your mind is free of useless details, facts, and memories.

we learned that little kids spill their food a lot.

we learned that little kids can fall off a couch really easilly and almost hit their head on the edge of a glass coffee table.

but most of all we learned that palm springs really is a “short” two-hour drive from LA, and suprisingly comfortably warm – not hot – even at the begining of summer.

heres a ten page photo dealie

twixt + susan mernit + the joint + ashley goes to the charlies angels 2 premeire

random things have been happening to me even before i was kidnapped out here, so a baby on my patio door, even one that sorta looks like me, didnt rattle me as much as it probably shoulda.

rattled clippergirls cousin though, who proceeded to ask me a battery of serious questions starting with having me name all the girls i had sex with last year.

i was all, who can remember these things?

but secretly i was going through them in my head, silently.

hmm there was that one, and oh yeah, that one.

there was that virgin girl.

i looked at the baby and saw a little bit of the virgin girl there, but then i said, wait a second, i saw that girl not long ago and she didnt say anything about any baby.

then i said, hey now, if the baby’s one years old, we have to think about girls i had sex with like almost two years ago.

and clipper girls cousin said, oh. then yeah. ok, think!

and i thought and that was hard. but then it wasnt that hard, me and ashley had a good thing going back then and since i knew she had never gotten pregnant, mostly cuz we were super safe, i knew i was in the clear.

but the cousin of the clippergirl wasnt so sure.

then tell me why she looks like you?

i said, people look like people all the time.

then she said, then tell me why this baby who looks like you ended up on our secret vacation?

i said, nothings secret. there are no secrets.

she said, what about the secrets that you keep?

i said, those are golden. some tales i will never tell, but i would never lie about having a cute little kid.

the baby cooed.

it was a good baby, it hardly ever cried.

when it did cry we gave it food or water and when that didnt work we changed her diaper.

pretty good kid.

we almost forgot we had her until we heard her laughing in the middle of the night.

today we’re going to have to find her real parents because we have to go back to la tonight.

sadly.

every seinfeld episode + wisdom goof + jennyeah audblogs jaime

where its dusty and windy and the hotties are sexy.

but im having a bit of a moral dilemma.

as you may know im a bit paranoid about going to heaven. i would really like to go. so i don’t want to do things that go against the good book, let alone the ten commandments.

things written in stone hold a symbolic importance to my mind, for some reason.

so the problem is i am here in our villa in palm desert . i have hooked up the directv which i drove back to la last night to retrieve and hooked up this morning just so i could watch game two of the cubs / sox interleague game at wrigley.

but its not on wgn, and its not on my baseball package.

the only game they want me to watch today is the dodgers / angels game.

i don’t want to watch the dumb dodgers / angels game.

i want to watch the dumb cubs / sox game.

why have crosstown rivalry weekend if on saturday you wont let me, the directv major league baseball package subscriber, access to those games? i’d like to see all of them. especially the reds / indians game… oh wait, for some reason they’re not playing each other this weekend, even though the mets / yanks, rangers / astros, marlins / devil rays, dodgers / angels, and cubs / sox are… strangely the phillies and pirates aren’t playing each other this weekend either.

see how screwed up everything is?

now the dilemma comes in the form of a pirated Directv card which if slid into my receiver box would allow me, here in palm springs, to watch the local, blacked out, chicagoland tv station which is broadcasting this game only in and around chicago.

my question is, is it stealing if you cant buy it for any price, and yet its in the air in your house?

1. i would buy it.

2. it’s not for sale.

3. it’s in the air in my house.

4. i thought this was the land of the free.

5. i thought republicans wanted less government.

6. i am now forced to “watch” it through Yahoo GameChannel like a common nerd.

7. yes i brought my computer back to the villa after i dismantled my directv which isn’t at all nerdy.

hey, libras + if i ever traveled across the usa i’d wanna stop by here, and see all of america’s twine balls.