i am not a good choice

i am mean and dumb, im fat around the belly, and lazy in the soul.
my heart is black, my opinions are fixed, my head is hard.
i will lie in my blog, i will exaggerate on my site,
i will create photo essays that will make you cry on varied levels.

if you leave me for another, that other better beat me at everything
because i do see it as a competition, because to me everything is a competition
and because i have issues with my chicago cubs, it is my job to win at everything else

because im a blogger everything will end up here in some twisted way that will make me look like the victim/hero/loveable one, and most others will be painted with an unfair and miserable brush.

i will live alone and be bitter. eventually i will burn in hell. my grave will be vandalized and used as a commode for the homeless and the wise.

but while i am alive i will do evil to the sweetest folks, i will betray your trust, and i will mock your choices.

im not much to look at, im boring to be around, im not well read, im unedjumacated where it matters, and you will be left unsatisfied on every level of our romance.

i will not cook, i will not clean, i will not offer to help.

i can turn anything into a mess at the drop of a hat, i will find wrong in anything, i will be quick to use the bible against you as well as rock lyrics.

i will compare you to women in my past, to your face, i will argue in stupid circles, i will bring up the worst examples to try to prove my point.

ultimately all i want to do is sit on my couch and hold your hand and wait for you to please me by ordering chinese in high heels and a cowboy hat.

my secret dream is to have a top hat and a monocle and a kegorator and for you to perfect the lost art of making deep dish pizza because oh yes i am also so very cheap.

and yet still better than that mess thats on top of you currently.

instead she likes another. which, i know, is impossible. i could tell you endless tales about him, but instead heres a few video clips that compare he and i. please enjoy.

him on letterman

me on letterman

van halen with him

van halen with me

me ghost riding my whip

him ghost riding his whip

what he hears when he watches obama

him buying you a magazine

sex with him

one touch from my pinkie under the blanket while we watch tv at yr parents house

to be continued

about drew barrymore online last night and wanted to know if it was gonna be in the paper today. i said yes. she said are you sure. i said yes, knowing that she knows that “are you sure” is a question i hate being asked because if i wasnt sure id say “i think so, but im not sure”

so yes ashley not only was the story about drew in the paper, it was the cover of calendar and it has a huge pic of the star

what if the mute thing in need was a robot?

Kacie Kinzer built some robots called Tweenbots that travel very slowly, need human intervention, and look super cute. an excerpt from her blog:

Tweenbots are human-dependent robots that navigate the city with the help of pedestrians they encounter. Rolling at a constant speed, in a straight line, Tweenbots have a destination displayed on a flag, and rely on people they meet to read this flag and to aim them in the right direction to reach their goal.

Given their extreme vulnerability, the vastness of city space, the dangers posed by traffic, suspicion of terrorism, and the possibility that no one would be interested in helping a lost little robot, I initially conceived the Tweenbots as disposable creatures which were more likely to struggle and die in the city than to reach their destination. Because I built them with minimal technology, I had no way of tracking the Tweenbot’s progress, and so I set out on the first test with a video camera hidden in my purse. I placed the Tweenbot down on the sidewalk, and walked far enough away that I would not be observed as the Tweenbot––a smiling 10-inch tall cardboard missionary––bumped along towards his inevitable fate.

h/t jessica roberts from her gchat status which will resume to going to back to celebrating the cubs as they continue their march towards destiny.

and funny or die continues to get the scoops

Katy Newton’s video series where she interviews people who put up Craigslist Missed Connection ads, and then tells their tales?

ICU, today was named a finalist for the Webby Awards!

Great job Katy!

last song, last show

“ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”

he posed that question in san francisco during the final show of the notorious sex pistols U.S. tour. the last concert that he ever performed with sid vicious.

some could argue that anyone who paid money for that show got ripped off because sid was wasted and the sound was horrible and it wasnt what it was supposed to be. but anyone who was there can say that they saw history, plus who the hell goes to sex pistols show for the incredible musical dynamics?

you go see sid and johnny for the spectacle.

and as great as PiL was, it wasnt the sex pistols.

and as nice it was to see the reformed pistols on jay leno last year with ron paul, it wasnt the sex pistols.

although it’s rock history rock tragedy rock destiny rock legend rock mythology that sid died at 22 from a heroin overdose from junk his mother bought him to celebrate the fact that he had just been released from rikers island jail for 55 days for beating up patti smith’s brother, every “sex pistols” show after that was a cheat.

how many mick jagger solo records do you still listen to? how many keith richards solo records to do you listen to?

some things are meant to be paired together, and some things are dirty lies. and no matter how polite or gentlemanly people are supposed to be about it, all it does is make us lessor witnesses vomit up a chorus of bs.

i am such a flawed individual.

theres a reason why losers beat me constantly, repeatedly, endlessly.

ridiculously.

humorlessly.

easily.

have i told you that i love the tv show terminator: the sarah connor chronicles

i do.

have i told you that when i was a kid the dodgers were my second favorite team

have i told you that thats not the case any more.

have i told you that manny is starting to change that

even though some of the dodger fans are continuing to ruin it all

have i told you that yesterday on opening day someone stabbed someone in the parking lot

have i told you that someone was supposedly weilding a gun in another part of the parking lot of dodger stadium on opening day

except that person, it turned out, was merely breaking into cars, and didnt have a gun

have i told you that it costs $15 to park in that lot

have i told you what a punk is? a punk is someone who pitches for the milwaukee brewers.

mr reed johnson of the chicago cubs was playing center field the other day and it was near the end of the game and big fat prince fielder had the bases loaded and he hit the ball super far it could be, it might be, and reed johnson jumped up almost over the wall and caught it – stopping a grand slam.

and it was such a great catch that even mr prince fielder stopped and tipped his cap to mr reed johnson. like a gentleman.

and because baseball is magical, guess who came up in the next inning for the cubs? mr reed johnson.

who promptly got hit in the back by a pitch by the milwaukee brewer pitcher.

who is not a gentleman. he is a punk.

how do i know this?

because it takes one to know one.