because of some cartoons,

hi. my name is jim lampley. you might have seen me hosting the olympics last night.

i am the second most annoying broadcaster in business which is funny because i always get booked for huge events like heavyweight boxing championships, and things like, well, the olympics.

clearly i have photos of every network sports executive with little boys because i dont know one person whose ever said, “you know what tv needs? more lampley.”

the only person more annoying than me is the little midget pictured, mr bob costas who obviously has even more photos of every network sports executive with little boys because he gets to do the world series, the olympics, basketball, and even the weekly football roundtable show on hbo.

the reason im writing you, muslim extremists, is because i cant hold on to this secret any longer and i figured the best way to reach you is through tony’s blog because, well, blogging is everything nowadays, right?

ok well heres the secret

bob costas is really the artist behind those cartoons that you’re upset about.

there. i said it.

yes the danish news organization ran the cartoons but only because they were the only ones who were starstruck by the diminuitive amateur illustrator.

i dont think theyre that good. and clearly you think theyre awful. but i cant sit here in torino italy and watch you burn up the danish embassy while knowing that they had very little to do with them.

theyre the work of bob costas, who by the way cackles every night when he sees how far off track you are in your revenge.

he cackles and holds his sides.

he cackles and slaps the bedspread of his hotel room.

which sometimes wakes me since we are doubling up on this trip.

say what you will about his broadcasting ability, but hes very good at spooning and he doesnt snore very loudly.

so there you have it muslim extremists. ive done my job as a fellow human being and as a reporter. the man you want to hang and burn and stone and shake your fist at is the host of the XX winter olympics, the man who makes you turn down the sound while you watch the opening ceremonies, mr bob costas.

me, i wash my hands to all of it because youre as nuts as he is short and i think you’ll both burn in hell.

see you in the funny papers,

jim lampley

flagrant disregard + terra + cracked via treacher

i made out with a girl from montreal.

below is the post i wrote way back then but before i give you that repeat let me say this to you who are still checking in with me today.

i heart you. i heart you big time. i am getting carpal again but i will still write you every day without a day off because that is what im here to do.

i was so broke this week that i had to ask someone to loan me some money and i think on monday i can explain to you why i was drained of funds but i need to find out from my lawyer if its kosher.

being broke for an hour was horrible. especially after not being broke for so long.

it made me realize i need to write a really good book. a book so good that all of you who didnt buy how to blog or stiff would say fuckit ive GOTS to buy that one, damn.

and i hate to be just like every other writer in history and write for money but maybe thats how shit gets done. the Lord sees a writer getting his nuts licked and not producing any literature so hes gotta drag his ass in the mud for a little bit so he roughs him up a little and makes him believe that the only way he can get back where he should be is to write all the things that hes been keeping hidden inside.

so last night driving on the glendale freeway, the 2, i decided that thats what my next book will be, all the little secrets that i dont dare write on the busblog, the juicy bits that ive been tucking away inside.

its gonna be a big book and its gonna cost you money.

now heres what i wrote two years ago because im sentimental about canadian girls:

this is new york fashion week and on monday betsey johnson showed her new line. to celebrate miss montreal came over last night dressed up as an 80s ho. betsey would have been proud.

she had a striped shirt dress that barely covered her coochie, fishnets, bangles, pink earrings, and tall fuck me boots. so i fucked her.

you know youre with a good girl when you reach down the fishnets and you’re doing your thing and you whisper that youre sorry but that youre trying to be gentle cuz you dont want to rip her stockings and shes all i dont care if you rip my fucking stockings and she rips em for you.

i suppose theres other ways to know when youre with a good girl but thats one way.

my truest gave me back a few crates of cds that i gave her years back when we split. apparently she never cracked open the ted nugent box set nor any of the motorhead cds or many of the other assorted masterpieces so she brought them over this weekend and last night as miss montreal was over i popped in the first cypress hill cd from my old box of love.

heres a game you can play with cypress hill and a half naked betsey johnson looking canadian girl in your waterbed.

every time that one guy in the background repeats what the main guy says, kiss the girl.

every time they mention drugs of some sort, squeeze her ass.

every time they talk about cops fucking up their shit do something with a boobie.

and like most cds, dont get her naked and dont let her get you naked until the first track is completed. if youre a super good boy wait till the end of the second track.

and of course, dont head for the home stretch until the cd has completed and it starts repeating.

musical cues my friends. life is full of tiny little musical cues to help your unworthy ass out.

wampum + rice topher + an italian version of how to blog

how are you baby? i never know.

you know your blog is my favorite and its my favorite because i love mystery and you are the mystery of mysteries.

and you write so well that its amazing. its precise. its thought-out. its sculptured.

i read maybe 75 blogs a day. im addicted to reading them. sometimes i read them to see how i can make this blog better, sometimes i read them because i have fallen in love with the writer, sometimes i read them because i wanna see whats all the fuss about them and if i cant find the fuss i will dig deeper until i find what the fuss is.

i cant remember how i stumbled across your wonderful world of disregard but i cherish that day.

ok this is why im writing you – im going to holland in 11 days and i want you to come with.

holland.com which is the tourist bureau of the dutch government, so basically the dutch goverment is putting me up in a five star hotel and treating me right.

i know how much you love to travel and i know how much you like to get the heck out of the val so it dawned on me that maybe we could take that roadtrip that we’ve always talked about.

can you stay in my hotel room if you want? sure. youre my fave and if youd feel comfortable sharing a big fat fancy room with me fine. like you im a hermit. im just not as good at it as you are. infact im a failure at it but im a hermit at heart.

like you im painfully shy but ive learned to cope.

in a perfect world id have a little house on del playa in isla vista and id have a megaphone and in the middle of the night id point my megaphone down the street and id say “WHY CANT I HEAR ANY BANDS?” “WHY ARENT YOU KIDS SCREAMING!” “WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH A MEGAPHONE UP IN THIS PEICE!”

and id slam my door and fill my big gulp cup from my kegorator and get back to reading blogs.

and watching the sunset.

why didnt i write this to you earlier? because i didnt want you to think about it, say yes, and then talk yourself out of it.

this way you can think about it, book your flight and then you wont have much time to listen to your demons.

also this way you can ignore me like youve been doing a lot lately (hiss) but secretly know that youre the only person who id share a room with on this trip. or if you want your own room, fine, but we could be like rich married people and have adjoining rooms and ignore each other but always know that the other person was on the other side of that wall.

fucked up security but security nevertheless.

i am having the weirdest month ever so what could be weirder than hanging out with the coolest weirdest blogger i know… next to myself.

btw when i saw sly stone at the grammys yesterday i thought of you.

when i first moved to LA 20 years ago i was too young to get into any of the rock clubs but i remember reading an article in the LA Weekly about a show that Sly did at the Palamino Club which was a country bar in the valley who every now and then would book someone so not country like Taj Mahal or The Replacements.

in the review they said that Slys band played for an hour and then they took a break and then they played for another hour and finally Sly showed up and played for 20 minutes and said goodnight everybody and the crowd went crazy. crazy as in they loved it. even the reviewer loved it. he called it the most rock n roll punk rock show hed ever seen.

so when all those people were singing Sly songs and sly never showed up i kept thinking, fucking a sly is going to diss the grammys how fucking cool and punk rock would that be? and then he actually did show up and he played like 20 notes on the electric piano and then left. which might have been cooler than not showing up cuz at least we got to see his sweet mohawk.

anyway for some reason i thought of you and now im writing you and now im saying if you wanna go to the land of wooden shoes hit me up at busblog at gmail

signed,

tony

bring the petty pace of speed and grace and rock n roll and tofu girls, I don’t know why everything is so bizarre right now but it is and it is and it is and it is

it reminds me of all the rain we had last year. it just rained and rained and rained and rained and people just kept saying tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…

I think tomorrow I will be able to tell you some of what I haven’t been able to tell you and trust me I don’t say these things to keep you tuning in because I know you’ll be back you’ve been back over all these years and some of you are even nice enough to tell your friends

all I know is today I laughed and cried and yelled and screamed I told people I loved them I told people they were full of shit hell I told lots of people they were full of shit. and I wasn’t kidding.

my shirt, my favorite shit is stinking from all the sweat that ive burned through over these last twenty four hours and I keep thinking that the Lord is all “we’re going to give tony not just a pop quiz but a ton of pop quizzes all in a row” to see if I would crack or if id be less of a good man or more of an idiot or if id burn bridges or if id turn into someone else.

but when youre 113 youre pretty much the same old song and dance.

and tonight even though I thought everything was over I wasn’t able to write I wasn’t able to dance I wasn’t able to do anything and the phone kept ringing and some of the people were exactly who I wanted to talk to but it still didn’t help and I wanted to say what was the truth for me which was I know im a freak I know im a weirdo I know im never going to find a girl like the one I moved to LA to get away from.

I know precisely why I have to stop playing the lotto. its because the Lord knows that if I win im moving to maui and im just going to sit in my little grass shack and watch the waves and I’ll never really do much except write bullshit like how I miss LA and how I miss mi vida loca.

which is to say I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but this ten days have been so vida that if something very very bad happened to me or very very good I wouldn’t be surpised and you shouldn’t either because it really has been that super extreme

and the sad thing is there isn’t an unlimited amount of tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows. which is why I try so hard to get it right today. especially at my age.

this is what i wrote for his birtday post a few years ago. sadly im swamped here at buzznet which is why i havent posted all day so forgive me as i give you a rerun right now:

im sick as a damn dog and ive been up all night watching an academy screener of Gangs of New York which i totally loved.

clipper girl brought it over with four of her sexiest girlfriends and they all watched it at my place cuz i have such a huge

tv.

afterwards they went home and i played grand theft auto because i was so psyched after the movie.

but now here it is 3:35am and i really wanted to go to gregs birthday party tomorrow because a hootenanny will break out and all but like i said im sick and i dont think i will get much better by tomorrow and this is the early stages of the sickness which will probably get worse which means that i am probably at the contageous stage and the last thing i would want to do is get every single one of my dear dear friends ill cuz of my dumb bus-riding ass.

but it is nice to stay up and just read peoples blogs and write and write and write.

hi blog.

hi tone.

hi cold.

hi tony.

hi blank area in the blogger post.

my man aj totally whipped out $30 and flowed it to the busblog so my hats off to him, thanks bro.

for that he gets a free mystery gift sent to his house.

i think he will like it.

i think it will be a poetry book of mine from way back when.

i think if anyone else flows $30 or more they will get one of my little out of print chapbooks of poems.

in my day i wasnt a bad poet.

infact birthday boy greg painted a portrait of me and titled it “the worlds greatest living poet.”

well, greg is the worlds greatest living lots of things, and right now he’s doing a pretty damn good job of raising his adorable little son, sean.

i am super happy for the way things are turning out for greg.

it doesnt seem all that long ago when he was sleeping on my couch in frisco trying to get it together and now he is living in one of the coolest, i shit you not, houses in los feliz, a house full of guitars and cool colors and old appliances, and love and love and love.

i bought him the dumbest birthday card of all, which took me a while to find, but of all people he would appreciate it. we share a love for the dumb things in life. like 99 cent store cookies, and plastic toys, and puns.

greg has influenced me in tons of ways but maybe the best way was that he showed me that not only is it ok to let the art out, but it is our responsibility.

so happy 74th birthday mi amigo. if i dont end up at your party, just know that i will be wearing a pointy birthday hat here at the beach house all day in your honor.

greg vaine, the worlds greatest rock operaist who isnt into kiddie porn.

creator of one of the cutest little elfs you’ll ever

EVER lay eyes on

and a future hall of fame dodger starting pitcher

and husband of one of the coolest women in LA which is quite a compliment since there are so many cool ones.

and lead guitarist of the Hollow Trees the best music for little kids you’ll ever hear

happy birthday bro i hope to see you again real soon

gregs blog + greg’s pics + greg’s videos

hi baby.

i know you read the busblog because it seems like everyone reads the busblog these days, so hi.

do you know mike tyson?

what about michael jackson? i know you danced with him that one time at that awards show and it was creepy but do you know him?

i dont but i wish i did.

for if i did i would work out a deal with him that for a very low salary i would shack up in neverland right next to his bedroom and i would be his bro. meaning i would set lil ground rules so that he would never have any problems again.

for example i love kids you love kids and mike loves kids but i would set a ground rule that no kids get to enter his bedroom unless their parents are there and there are at least two cameras.

the king of pop might not like that rule but thats what bros do, they tell their bros when theyre entering dangerous areas. theyre real with them. they give them tough love when its time for tough love and they give them sweet love when… ok they dont give them sweet love but theyre mellow with them when its ok to be mellow.

now michael might not like me keeping it real with him all the time and he might be tempted to fight with me or fire me but i would remind him that the only only only reason that i was coming across the way i was wasnt to make money off him but to protect him and make his dreams come true. in his case, the dream to stay out of the pokey.

if i had been mike tysons bro i would have told him things like train hard, quit buying tigers, stay away from don king, and quit talking to anyone with a microphone.

he probably would have wanted to punch me a few times but im sorta tough, i can take a punch. and i would have a tazer on my person at all time and id shock iron mike when he was winding up. gotta be quick around the champ.

which isnt that hard nowadays.

now theres you britney.

if i had been your bro back in the day i would have made sure that you had some shoes so you wouldnt have had to walk into those bathrooms barefoot, i would have made sure that kfed woulda had a condom, i would have made sure that you would have gone to a real hairdresser instead of supercuts when you got that mommy bob when you were knocked up and about to pose for vanity fair.

but baby, yesterday i would have never ever

ever

let you drive your suv with little baby Sean on your lap. and you coulda fired me you could have slapped me you could have sicced your bodyguard on me but hes a bro too and i would have said brotha im just doing my job and he wouldnt have sat there in the passengers seat and let you do what you did when you did what you did.

and you woulda thanked me.

wanna know why you dont see certain stars make these sort of mistakes in life? major blunders. fucked up shit that isnt cute isnt scandalous but seriously dangerous to innocent people or in this case babies? its because theyve set it up so that they have someone to bro them and snap them back into reality when their husband isnt around and their bodygaurds are letting miss daisy do the driving while blonde.

now i already have job brit, but you need someone with the skillz that ive got. and maybe the buzznet boys will let me work remotely if you throw a few sheckles into their tip jar. but the people around you arent giving you the honest feedback that you deserve and i know its hard to be the bearer of uncomfortable news but sometimes it just has to be said.

and if i was your bro id make a groundrule that says you can never drive your pimped ride for a while. there are far worse things than being surrounded by the paparazzi as your precious angel waits for the airbags to release.

you need a driver, but moreso you need a bro.

i’ll bro that ass.

nancy + erin + jessica + welch

but asstrologys for asstros. and im not sure if this is a bad month or a good one yet because for every really good thing thats happened in the last week something super bizarre has happened.

have you ever been on a few hits of acid and you look at the mirror one minute and you look like the coolest dude ever and the next minute you look at it again and you look like george castanza. and then you realize there are no mirrors in your house and then you realize youre not even in your house?

ive got peoples boyfriends reading this shit and thinking that everything in here is true ive got peoples not boyfriends reading this and thinking that im not the greatest writer in the hollywood hills. ive got peoples agents writing me and offerring me screenplay deals ive got lawyers calling me trying to drop cases ive got lawyers calling me telling me not to let things drop. ive rats to the left of me, bedbugs uptown … shedoobe shattered shattered.

im sitting in my suv on the side of the road on sunset blvd in my little safe place where i go with the ibook when my internet goes down or my computer crashes. my buddy told me that to play it safe i should actually buy windows xp and let him install it tonight. so we’re going to do what we always do which is i back up all of my shit and take my box to his house in atwater and put my computer on his porch and wait for him to work his magic.

we never see each other and i think he likes it that way. its how i work with my maid. im embarrassed with my mess and she gives me my privacy and bakes me a pie so my house will smell good when i come home from the nine to five.

id like to sorta just stay at home lay in bed and work from under the covers but for the next month and a half i’ll be going to amsterdam and then austin doing the exact opposite from hiding and waiting out the freakiness of the world.

and someone was asking on their blog what you should do when you have writers block and this is what you do: when the shit is coming down and when life is bizarre you write it down as it happens. you live blog it. you dont hit publish. you dont post it on your real blog, you dont even put it on your secret blog. you take notes and you write it in word and in november you release it as a book. a secret book. and you watch the bales of cash dump down on you and you read the letters from your readers telling you that youre the man.

and when you get writers block you dont write because you did your writing when it was time to write and you meet totally new girls when you cant write. and when i go to amsterdam and when i go to austin i will be meeting totally new girls and hopefully before and after those events i will meet even newer ones.

heres the problem with new girls though. sorta the same problem with old ones. sometimes it doesnt click. sometimes its all smiles and nodding but when she invites you to the dance floor she wants to do the robot when you wanna poplock. i think thats why the good lord put millions and millions of girls here – so that you can just inhale exhale and dance with a new one tomorrow.

the sun will come up tomorrow annie. you realize that right. today in la it was super warm and i think i know why. cuz the sun needed to get right up close into my shit because even he couldnt believe it.

tomorrow is the grammys and heres the only thing that i wanna see happen. i wanna see john legend beat fall out boy for best new artist.

and tonight im going to eat so much icecream im gonna puke in the bubble bath.

dumbass tony says: whats this i hear about you marrying fil?

raymi says: what where di u hear that

dumbass tony says: my comments

raymi says: are you interviewing me, interview me
raymi says: who said that

dumbass tony says: ahahaha
dumbass tony says: i cnat remember
dumbass tony says: is it true?
dumbass tony says: is it??

raymi says: well its not true, fil does not believe in marriage
raymi says: not unless it is for tax purposes
raymi says: or i become a millionaire

dumbass tony says: im with him
dumbass tony says: are you guys very affectionate?

raymi says: i want to get married though, i want that fuckin rock
raymi says: yes we can be

dumbass tony says: do you tell each other you love each other ?

raymi says: it depends if i or he is being moody
raymi says: yes every nite and every morning

dumbass tony says: not during the day?

raymi says: well he is at work durin gthe day and i am here but he sends me cute emails about me being a cherry blossom and having pretty smelling hair and stuff

dumbass tony says: awwwwwwwww

raymi says: i know

dumbass tony says: do you guys hold hands at the movies?

raymi says: no
raymi says: i lean over and try to talk to him and he gets mad
raymi says: we hold hands when we are walking tho but usually it’s him trying to get me to walk faster like, dragging me along

dumbass tony says: if a cute girl walks by as you two are strolling and he checks her out do you punch him in the arm?

raymi says: he doesnt check her out but i get it in my head that he did and then i argue with him abou tit for 5 minutes

dumbass tony says: youre a jealous girl?

raymi says: yes
raymi says: when a hot guy walks by i look at fil to see if he notices me notcing the hot gut but he acts like he doesnt notice so then there is no point in checking out the guy and fil is usually hotter than the other guy anyway
raymi says: corretc my grammar if u are using this please

dumbass tony says: never

raymi says: ungh

dumbass tony says: is he the jealous type too?

raymi says: yes
raymi says: but he’s better at masking it and sometimes he gets jealous just to cause drama like as entertainment

dumbass tony says: matt and jenny good were in TO – were they there to see you two?

raymi says: no matt was there for the cbc celebirty politcal debate thing

dumbass tony says: ahhhhhh
dumbass tony says: your pics with jen are awesome

raymi says: yeah

dumbass tony says: and your vids

raymi says: yes we have lots of fun

dumbass tony says: you will dominate the world very soon, fyi

raymi says: ha i was just being emo yesterday cos i guess it had been awhile, i got it in my head that i wasnt going to drink and then i got in a super super super bad mood over it

dumbass tony says: were you pooping and listening to that Life Aquatic soundtrack?
dumbass tony says: or vomiting?

raymi says: pooping

dumbass tony says: i had sex to that soundtrack not too long ago

raymi says: ew

dumbass tony says: needless to say i loved it before but i love it more now
dumbass tony says: you dont have sex with music playing?

raymi says: no
raymi says: the tv is usually on

dumbass tony says: even at night?

raymi says: we use to have porn on when we had VOD but now it’s like those 1 800 sex chat commercials or the discovery channel or muchmusic
raymi says: sometimes video games

dumbass tony says: but fil loves music
dumbass tony says: why dont you let him rock the tunes?

raymi says: cos i start giggling
raymi says: and get distracted

dumbass tony says: thats what the restraints are for
dumbass tony says: tell me about the big gay blogger party that you had with paige
dumbass tony says: is it true that shes secretly in love with me?

raymi says: paige is super cute and hot and i was really nervous when she showed up to our condo
raymi says: so i got drunk and twiddled with my hair and gave her a felt thing that i has just made
raymi says: tony isnt everyone in love with you?

dumbass tony says: sadly NO

raymi says: aw

dumbass tony says: this girl gave me her # the other day, i called her and left a message and she has yet to return my message WTF!

raymi says: get over it

dumbass tony says: done

raymi says: tony you need to focus on yourself not the muff

dumbass tony says: the girls here have no muff

raymi says: well thats cos theyre tacky
raymi says: u know what i mean

dumbass tony says: back to paige
dumbass tony says: is she fun?

raymi says: you need to go on a spiritual journey
raymi says: yes she is she was super loaded and flirts mercilessly

dumbass tony says: hmmmmm

raymi says: hmm what

dumbass tony says: im deciding if shes my type
dumbass tony says: who else was there that was cool?

raymi says: samir deadly unicorn rock n roll nigger radnum drawings carrie butterfly karma lewd angel photojunkie.ca
raymi says: lots
raymi says: great turn out

dumbass tony says: whats this i hear that you went crazy about the cats cradle the other night

raymi says: i didnt go crazy

dumbass tony says: so fils a liar?
dumbass tony says: somehow i doubt he is

raymi says: well i didnt go crazy for it i got excited over it

dumbass tony says: ah – welll i guess this interview is over since i have to eat supper now
dumbass tony says: but will you please keep sending me those cool vids?
dumbass tony says: theyre awesome, seriously
dumbass tony says: i want to help make you THE authority of videos
dumbass tony says: like roger ebert of movies but more powerful
dumbass tony says: im not kidding around

raymi says: nice i like this idea

dumbass tony says: its gotta be approved by raymi or its shit

raymi says: haha
raymi says: sweet
raymi says: i am a tough critic

dumbass tony says: i want people to say “yeah thats a good video. lets send it to raymi and see what she thinks.”
dumbass tony says: give my love to TO!!
dumbass tony says: tell paige and her roommates to send me more nudes
dumbass tony says: and krista oceanaria too

raymi says: they send u nudes!?

dumbass tony says: ahahah no jk
raymi says: aw

dumbass tony says: maybe you can influence them to let go of their fears

raymi says: i hope

dumbass tony says: bye baby

raymi says: ciao foolio

raymi + raymi on buzznet + fil

Pittsburgh 35
Seattle 9

thats my pick, whats yours