since it was the sabbath and all

something im sure all of you were doing yesterday after the football and before 60 minutes.

and she asked me about polygamy and whether i believed in it.

i said of course i believe in it, the problem is getting the hot babes to believe in the things that i believe in.

she said but why would you believe in something so ridiculous.

and i said, again, there are many ridiculous things i believe in, the difficulty is getting buy-in.

for example, i believe that you should wear more plaid skirts,
i believe that you should bring your friends over here so we can have make-out competitions,
and i believe that the Cubs should sign Roger Clemens,
but…

and she stopped me, which she often does

she said, lets stick to the topic at hand. if divorces are at 50% in america, why would you believe in polygamy?

ah, i said, easy. its my belief that people quit each other cuz they get bored and they get a wandering eye. if theyre allowed to marry more hos they would be less likely to go outside the relationship for strange if they were getting it in the hizzy.

at that point she called me a pig.

asked me the question, i answered and she called me a pig.

but it was cool since i get called names all the time.

so i turned the tables on her. i said, how would you like it if you were married to a nice man, a black man, a blogger lets say, one who liked cream of chicken soup and diet dr pepper…

get to the point

how would you like it if you were married to him and you got a hand in picking his second wife?

she said, what if i wanted a bulldyke.

i said, well, because you loved this man you’d want him to be happy so maybe he would be happy with such a woman. maybe hed be happy with a cheerleader. maybe hed be happy with a soccerplayer. maybe you would both be happy with a nice combination of all of these.

being that she was bi-morethancurious she let those ideas sit with her while stirring her pita in the spinach dip.

then she said, tony if you believe in polygamy so much, why arent you doing it?

ah, i said, because even though its totally cool in the bible, and even though abraham, saul, david, solomon, and even moses had more than one wife, the bible commands that we obey the laws of the land – which is one reason i dont smoke pot any more – so even if i believe in it its unlawful and therefore a sin.

and thats when she excused herself and returned in a plaid skirt, a cowboy hat, and nothing else but a smile.

and yes america sometimes i feel like the luckiest man in the world but sometimes i feel cursed, because yes i would make a great husband to several wives, i would make sure that they were all happy and pleased and content

and yes i would pick an assortment who would get along together very well

and its not like im someone that anyone would get jealous of

and yes its true i have what it takes to satisfy a small harem – if not two small ones – and it helps to study the poetry of diplomacy as well as the language of love

but like the fact that i would also make an excellent marijuana farmer, some things just dont mesh with todays society

so im doomed settling for the one-at-a-time

and then writing it down for you.

poo.

polygamists in the bible + i love this woman + emmanuelle and matt do europe + peter g

not everyone gets to keep their bodies when they get sent to here.

tailgaters are sometimes turned into trees. the devil will make them just stand there for a couple hundred years. then maybe turned into a house. then torn down. never burned. that would be too cute. he’d waterlog the wood. warp it. then allow it to float down the river styx back home to be reassigned.

some get turned into bugs. some into animals. some into peoples pets. some get turned into dangerous animals. some get turned into fish.

i used to be afraid of fish and when i got down here and they showed me my file. apparently a long time ago i was sent to hell and then turned into a fish and had to swim around in the dark cold depths of the atlantic for a few dozen years.

a while back i was given a reprieve from whatever i was doing and reassigned as a lightskinned black american male born to a well educated middle class family and raised in the suburbs in the midwest.

later, it seems, the giver of grace was not very happy with what i did with those blessings.

so there i was banging some girl in hell’s sex palace and all of this was dawning on me: life is all context. perspective. compared to contracting stds nightly in the pits of pandemonium, flying chopper one across the skies of hollywood wasnt so bad.

and if i didnt like it, it wasnt like i was some old growth redwood, i could go do something else with my life. i could actually take control of my destiny as opposed to waiting on the universe to decide.

f the universe.

the universe is 2/3s lost souls doing what some guy more lost than them is telling them to do.

the good news was i was getting used to my demonic body. my thing wasnt falling off any more.

the crowd didnt flamethrow me as much any more. usually they waited until the end when i wasnt looking. then they all laughed and then applauded my incinerated smoking remains.

that night i went to bed and before i fell asleep i heard a still soft voice.

tony it said.

yes?

today is the last day of the year.

it is?

yes, do you know what that means down here?

no, i dont.

it means that you can be judged again.

it does?

yes, are you sorry for what you did to get here?

yes i am.

do you think youve learned some valueable things here?

oh yes. definately.

do you think youd make a better person if you were given another chance?

oh yes! yes i would!

and then i woke up.

still in hell.

it was just a dream.

and then my dirty rag of a pillow said.

nobody gets out of hell.

dumbass.

– pages 73-75 from Stiff

and weirdly they could be yours

karisa and i had a great time at the xbi christmas party. im hungover now. and i have to put together something for the Screen Savers so i have to make this short.

karisa called me at 5pm saying that she was feeling ill. so she went home and took a power nap and called me at 7pm and had rallied. shes the ultimate trooper.

she picked me up at 8:30p looking devistating in a little chinese girl outfit complete with long dangling earrings with tiny stars on the ends. gorgeous.

we got to the Hollywood Palladium where i had seen many beastie boys concerts, i saw the replacements there, i interviewed Rollins there before a Gwar show. id seen the chili peppers there, id seen, shit, so many shows. and there we were dancing like in olden times when sinatra would play.

full bar. free bar. great bar. lots of stations everywhere. loved it. the lines weren’t so bad.

then there was the food. i believe wolfgang puck catered. it wasnt bad.

the decorations were wonderful.

max factor were doing makeovers for people in the champaign room.

karisa and i danced and danced. that was nice.

earlier in the evening i was looking for proper shoes to wear. i wore a sweater and slacks and i wanted some dress shoes.

i literally turned my bed upside down looking for these shoes that i never wear.

i could not find the shoes and a little voice said

tony, if youre bringing a chick as hot as karisa you can wear any fucking shoes you want.

and that voice couldnt be more right.

even the transexuals on the dancefloor agreed.

and here i am hungover and happy.

thanks karisa for once again being a great date.

more pics + we also went together in 2003 + in 2002 i was pimping you raymi

who passed away this morning here in Los Agneles?

groundbreaking, trailblazing, funny as hell, multi-dimensional, terrific actor, and without whom there wouldnt have been eddie murphy,

chris rock or dave chappelle.

well, maybe those guys would have been around,

but it wouldnt have been as easy for them if pryor hadnt made them seem tame in comparison.

Here are some quotes from the Man, followed by the script of a skit he did in the first season of SNL.

On being Black: “It’s been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.”

“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”

“I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.”

“I’d like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I’m gonna be on for an hour.”

“When I did cocaine, I felt like a new man… and he wanted some too.”

“Justice in the courts? Yeah, there’s justice in the courts…just us niggers!”

“When you ain’t got no money, you gotta get an attitude.”

[as televangelist] “People are always asking me, Reverend; if you need money so bad, why don’t you sell one of your houses, or cars or get rid of some of that jewelry?’ And I always reply, ‘Are you crazy!'”
[looks at the phone bank]
“How much money have we raised so far? None! OK, this is a message for all you white people out there. Part of the money we raise tonight will go to the Back to Africa movement and… [every phone rings]

—————-

Racist Word Association Interview

Interviewer…..Chevy Chase
Mr. Wilson…..Richard Pryor

Interviewer: Alright, Mr. Wilson, you’ve done just fine on the Rorshact.. your papers are in good order.. your file’s fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you’re probably ready for this job. We’ve got one more psychological test we always do here. It’s just a Word Association. I’ll throw you out a few words – anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It’s kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say “dog”, you’d say..?

Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.

Interviewer: “Tree”. [ nods head, prepares the test papers ] “Dog”.

Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.

Interviewer: “Fast”.

Mr. Wilson: “Slow”.

Interviewer: “Rain”.

Mr. Wilson: “Snow”.

Interviewer: “White”.

Mr. Wilson: “Black”.

Interviewer: “Bean”.

Mr. Wilson: “Pod”.

Interviewer: [ casually ] “Negro”.

Mr. Wilson: “Whitey”.

Interviewer: “Tarbaby”.

Mr. Wilson: [ silent, sure he didn’t hear what he thinks he heard ] What’d you say?

Interviewer: [ repeating ] “Tarbaby”.

Mr. Wilson: “Ofay”.

Interviewer: “Colored”.

Mr. Wilson: “Redneck”.

Interviewer: “Junglebunny”.

Mr. Wilson: [ starting to get angry ] “Peckerwood!”

Interviewer: “Burrhead”.

Mr. Wilson: [ defensive ] “Cracker!”

Interviewer: [ aggressive ] “Spearchucker”.

Mr. Wilson: “White trash!”

Interviewer: “Jungle Bunny!”

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] “Honky!”

Interviewer: “Spade!

Mr. Wilson: [ really upset ] “Honky Honky!”

Interviewer: [ relentless ] “Nigger!”

Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] “Dead honky!” [ face starts to flinch ]

Interviewer: [ quickly wraps the interview up ] Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson: Your momma!

Interviewer: [ fumbling ] Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!

Interviewer: [ desperate ] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You’ll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don’t.. don’t hurt me, please..

Mr. Wilson: Okay.

Interviewer: [ relieved ] Okay.

Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?

Interviewer: Oh, no, no.. that’s alright. I’ll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

[ fade ]

impressive photo tribute over at buzznet, thnx boink! + golden fiddle + technorati

doesnt mean that im not antisemetic because it’s a faraway love. a starcrush. a fantasyfling.

a daydream.

a sigh.

plus i dont like the title of her new movie “jesus is magic” and i wont go to it.

even though i bet its awesome.

religious humor to me is the the only type thats over-the-line. partially because it’s too easy, and partially because its not nice to make fun of other peoples faith.

anything else is fine.

with that said, id totally bone sarah silverman if she wasnt dating jimmy kimmel, whose show ive attended twice now and respect. and i dont bone girlfriends of people i respect, which is why i used to accept paris hiltons drunk text pages until she started dating perez hilton.

anyways, thanks to todays Metafilter i learned that sarah has a new Christmas video out called Give the Jew Girl Toys

which only increases my fantasy hardon for her.

i know its a joke and shes not gonna take over the Chappelle Show but she totally should.

Blacks and Jews have far more in common than what seperates us

ok thats totally a lie

but i still think she should take over for chappelle on the Chappelle Show and do half of the skits in blackface

ted danson in blackface – not funny

sarah silverman in blackface – funny

santa, give the jew girl toys – funny

these snippets from her new movie that i wont go see unless its on a date with a jewish girl adn then laugh about afterwards at canters in the wee hours and then take pictures of rodney bingenheimer – funny

hairbrained fear that LA is gonna riot if Tookie Williams gets executed – very funny – however perfect timing for my Christmas looting needs.

by the way, if you were interested in an autographed copy of Stiff before Christmas now would be an excellent time to order one. not only are supplies running short, but i’m a triflin negro who doesnt always have his shit together – therefore if youve already have an order in and havent yet received it, email me with the subject header of “wtf” and make sure to tell me when you paypaled my ass.

i dont think there are any outstanding orders that im unaware of, but i just wanna make sure.

splink + jmo + alert status blond + spidercamp

what do you say? here in LA this shit happens all the time, its just very odd for it to happen to me.

truly there are dozens of shows being taped all over this town.

but today in a studio about four blocks from the front door of my true love the cameras were aimed at me and everything that i said got shot around the entire world.

50 million people they tell me.

and theres so much i forgot to say cuz it went speeding by soooo quickly.

i wanted to say

hi

i wanted to say

merry christmas

i wanted to say

anyone can succeed at blogging with a little practice

i wanted to say

i love you

i wanted to say

it’s ok.

god was i nervous today. i was nervous all day. but it was a good nervous.

i told the lovely producer named cat that i dont experiment with the things that they poisoned me with in college any more,

not because i have anything against it but because theres bigger highs out there now, ones that make you see trippy things or feel weird feelings

but in the morn you dont have to recover for a whole day.

or be paranoid that the cops are going to crash through the window.

i was late for the chauffered ford expedition, i was burning a tsar cd for cat, i was trying to find my ipod headphones

but i didnt need them because me and the driver became instant friends and we talked all the way there through not so bad traffic

and we talked all the way home through really horrible rushhour traffic. fuck!

and nearly when i got home i asked him if it would be cool if we went through the drive through and he said sure and i had realized that i hadnt eaten all day except for a little nibble of a rice krispies treat in the green room

and i gorged that mc rib and thought about getting makeup applied on my swill mug and bald head

and i thought about meeting the kool kids from the tv station

and i thought about how amazingly comfortable i felt in front of the cameras

so much so that i didnt even notice them. i just talked to kevin and blazed through his questions and didnt shake and didnt stutter and didnt stammer and didnt do a lot of the things that i do in regular life

for some reason the addrenalin and the butterflies took over and blocked the demons who were so shocked that i was even there that they didnt stand a chance.

and there was a dude in the hallway that i met after the deal who said that he was the one who got me on the show and i want to thank him and apologize for not remembering his name but my mind was blown and if he emails me i will send him a book

because in a year where many many many cool things happened to me

this was the coolest.

and when i finally got home and sat down in front of the tv

and saw myself in that profile i smiled from ear to ear and said

shit, im getting fat.

i took this one so you could see what i saw + the set + the the avi + thanks to everyone, especially cat! + the web interview

two years ago tomorrow on the busblog the only blog you’ll read today written by an african american let me say a few things about how i feel about kwanza, since its approaching and all.

fuck fucking kwanza.

motherfuckers.

kwanza.

our fucking dude was born and youre going to even for a second whip out some fucking bullshit kwanza nonsense.

motherfucking santa claus wasnt enough?

my bro ian drove me home today from work. we were going to the mountainside hollywood hills secret lair so usually we just go straight up wilton.

wilton north of beverly has some kickass homes. two million dollar ones. million dollar ones. big ones. bigger ones.

huge ones.

on some of the huge ones i saw some equally huge christmas decorations. i saw a blowup snowman that was at least a story tall and twenty feet wide.

i saw christmas lights the size of footballs.

and yes, i saw some gigantic images of santa claus.

of all the people in the world who should be saying, man im glad you were born, my lord, it would be them.

but instead they celebrate the birth of their messiah with huge images of winnie the pooh wearing a fake white beard

like fools.

and then theres kwanza.

one thing black people can do well is praise jesus. we do it better than anyone in the world. the music we make when we do it might be the most magical of all music, the preachers we have might be the best there ever were, and the clothes we wear to church are the sharpest.

then on the flip side we have our brothers and sisters who are muslim, and watch them pray. they win at praying. they win at pilgrimiging. they win at letting their spirituality become a solid and regular part of their lives.

with those two options, theres no need for any damn kwanza. some watered down bullshit made up strip mall phony holiday so you can wear a koofi? fuck that shit. we need to focus up on the biggest birthday of the year. we dont need no stinkin kwanza getting in the way.

black folk, the racists want us to have kwanza. it makes us look ridiculous and lost. kwanza represents something missing from being Christian. racists dont want black folk being Christian. they dont want to be equals to us. they dont want to share beliefs, they dont want to have anything to do with us, cuz they know that familiarity destroys ignorance, and only the ignorant can remain hateful.

worst thing you could do to a racist is go to his church, stand next to his daughter, sing the songs better, know the word better, and exclusively talk about america as if its your home and has been for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years longer than him.

watch him smile when you talk about africa, cuz thats where he wants you.

keep your koofi.

pass the turkey.

read the bible.

f old santa

and the kwanza

and the reign deer

and the pooh bear.

and the sleigh bells

and the dead trees.

get on your knees

thank the savior

wrap your presents

say your dumb prayers.

negrophile + laist + free keg of stella tomorrow in burbank

Baldilocks emailed me and told me that even though she disagrees with me on a lot of major topics, and even though she was sorta turned off by all the hotbabe content that i have on the busblog,

for some reason she respects me and wanted to let me know that she had just put the busblog on her permalinks.

and ive gotta say, thats class.

so give it up to Baldilocks, who i disagree with alot, and am turned off by the lack of hotbabe content that she has on her respectable blog, and because she’s leading the way of class i put her on my blogroll to the left, and on todays daily specials.

leave it to a baldheded african american pajamas media conservative to show us all how its done.

i got to bed early last night because of the evenings hot chick.

i have no idea why ive had such luck in that area but when it rains it pours.

perhaps the word got out that i had a new bed and the ladies were curious.

perhaps the shickzas (sp?) found out that i was interested in dating some nice jewish girls so i could find out if i was indeed anti-semetic and wanted to distract me away from my mission.

maybe its just been a little too cold at night here in hollywood and these aspiring runway models have become bored with their electric blankets.

regardless, ive not had to click the switch on mine for a week and im grateful.

the problem though with guests is they dont always want to watch the television programs that you want to watch and some of them dont even want to watch television at all(!)

obviously i have no long-term future with them but last night i was able to catch up on the Apprentice and Survivor with a little lady who had also not seen the last two episodes of either of these so i got a nice fire going, ordered some Indian to be delivered and we camped out in front of the 35-incher.

and may i say, as far as a first date goes, you can learn a lot from a woman after watching four hours of reality tv with her. far more than going to dinner and a movie.

with reality shows you can discover how her mind works, how she is with strategy, what she things about relationships, communication, fair play, and politics. plus how can you beat being under a blanket with a fire blazing with the lights off?

she won me over when, during the latest episode of Survivor she agreed with me about the Survivor Curse of the Car.

each season Survivor has an episode that includes a challenge where the winner receives a Brand New Car. and over the last 10 years of Survivor they have had an interesting pattern where whoever wins the car eventually gets voted off by their obviously-jealous tribespeople.

so what Survivor did brilliantly last night was 1) acknowledge the “Curse of the Car” and then 2) offer to quell the Curse

what those fuckers did was roll out THREE other cars, and Jeff Probst said, ok, heres an option, either you can keep your car or you can avoid the curse by declining your car but give a car to each of your four other members of your tribe.

now maybe i am a socialist liberal commie fuck that some accuse me of being, but Immediately i thought, “when would i ever have the chance to give four people a car, and look like a hero by giving up my car to do it? id go for it.” and just as i thought that, chickie said it aloud.

and just as she said it the Dumbfuck on the tv said that she was going to keep the car which of course doubled the pissed-off natural reaction of her fellow gameplayers and 15 minutes later on the show they voted her selfish ass off.

but what was most interesting was, as the gay dude Rafe was sorta whining to Steph the hottie from the previous Survivior who was allowed to come back and is doing really well… he said what me and my date said which was that he would have given the cars to the tribe instead of keeping the one for himself.

i believe he was sincere.

steph though was shocked at this and said no way that she would have kept the car. in part because she had never had a new car before, but who knows, maybe shes a bit selfish.

now i can understand being close to 30 and wanting a new car after never having one before, but with only 5 people left in the game, youre soooo close to winning $1 million. are you really that stupid, politcally, to think that if you give four people cars theyre gonna vote you off a half hour later?

and dont you think that if you do something that cool that if you make it in the final two that you might have just won over the entire jury?

further, you’ve gotta be a pretty badass player to KEEP the car and think that the four people you dissed would still vote for you from the jury.

my lady friend completely agreed with me and since we were stoked at how smart we both were we made out and… fell asleep before the end of the latest episode of the Apprentice ended. so dont tell me what happened.

baldilocks + blog goodies + rockit