when i posted this picture on metafilter last night the very next guy said “when you win the world series you can kiss whoever you want.”

i hate it when people are right.

a good reader emailed me a link to ESPN.com today where Scoop Jackson beautifully wrote about the sorrow on the North Side and tried to hint at racism but its not racism, its baseball.

yes dummy the Cubs are on the predominately white North Side and the Sox are in the mostly Black South Side, but i grew up in the all-white suburbs of Hanover Park Illinois and if people chose who to root for based on race then there would have been zero Sox fans in our lily white township instead of the 50-50 split that i had to suffer through.

Cubs fans hate the Sox, period.

we cant even deal with this World Series bullshit. its like a bad dream that we will never wake up from.

and i cant even imagine all the fair weather fans who are suddenly wearing white sox caps in my beloved town.

something like this happened in the early 80s when the Sox made it to the playoffs. i forget about who or when – it was success for the Sox therefore of zero importance to my memory banks. but real Cub fans wore their colors, real Sox fans rubbed our noses in it and the fakers bought into the bandwaggon.

and then in 84 when it looked like the Cubs were going all the way we all remembered who had jumped ship and who had stayed true and there were alot of beatings going around in those days in the northwest suburbs and the most delicious went to those who had worn Sox hats and tshirts in 82 who suddenly found themselves under a Cubs hat

those were the ones who found themselves in the gutter with no hat no shirt and no shoes.

the last twenty years have not been good to Cub fans and this only makes things worse.

sure its nice that the Cubs have had some good teams but thats like having the cute girls tell you that they think youre fun. who the fuck cares about what they think, its the result, its the end result. it’s the ultimate result that you care about.

id have rather the Cubs never had wood zam prior maddux and clement.

id have rather sammy sosa stayed on the southside than have them get so far and crush us like that.

id have rather that 1984 never happened, no bull durham, no steve garvey, no rick sutcliffe, no ron cey.

dont get my hopes up. dont give me a taste of the mountaintop unless youre going to go all the way. ask houston what its like to be second place. its not how you play the game, its how you win it as the beasties said so perfectly. and i dont ever want the cubs on the cover of SI unless the words world series champs is over a heaving mass of cubbie pinstripes.

therefore seeing the white sox as champs is … man. worst than anything.

say it aint so.

there is so much to hate about the new world champs that i dont even want to start the list because it will never end.

it starts with eddie gadelle and winds its way through greg luzinski wearing those shorts it goes through disco demolition and jimmy piersall calling all the sox wives sluts to every time the sox beat the cubs during interleague play.

theyre your sisters favorite team. theyre the talibans favorite team.

theyre worse than the yankees because they dont even try to emit hate, just their presence makes you despise them.

if there was an earthquake in the midwest id want the epicenter to be no on the pitchers mound of US Cellular but in the home team’s locker room.

i didnt even watch the game last night because i knew what would happen. i would see dick cheeney on top of my mother, id see cops outside of my house with a megaphone and a battering ram, id see a special report broadcasting that prohibition had just been overturned again: id see that the sox had swept the astros in the world series, and not only had they won, but they won convincingly – against good teams.

in 84 after the Cubs lost in the playoffs i cried and decided that it would be my duty to manage them to a world series because nobody, obviously, gave a shit about it other than me.

here it is 21 years later and im kicking myself for not following that dream. how could the Sox of all teams get the monkey off their back before the Cubs? how? they dont even have any good players! podsednick, fine. buhrle fine. but seriously, who else? a few pitchers? every team has a few pitchers. bubba sparks as the closer? a double A drunkard?

the team that just bulldozed through the best of the AL and NL would not suprise me if they only went .500 next year. but it doesnt matter, the stink of champagne and theyre being measured for rings.

they get the prettiest girl in town and i dont.

again.

its like steve bartman all over again. its like bush being reelected. its like finding out theres not only no santa claus but youre getting coal in your stocking.

and the worst part of it all: the south siders dont even wear white sox.

lying cheating fucking dumbass fucking arrrrrGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

weed isnt bad for you + flagrant + emmaunelle + abrasivist + iron mouth

me and mc brown are gonna make some fliers which is funny because pretty much every company that ive worked with has handouts of some sort and the smaller you are the more fliers you make. i like that.

today we’re going to hand out fliers outside of the Fall Out Boy show at the Wiltern before we go over to Tower Sunset and take pictures of Tsar with the new Buzznet camera.

Best Buy took a nice chunk out of the Buzznet coffers and I was up all night figuring out the thing because im sick of taking shitty pictures and i always end up in the coolest situations and i want to report back to you as perfectly as possible.

since my spelling sucks it doesnt mean that my pictures have to.

so after the Tsar instore im going to get a burrito somewhere and then head over to see Tsar at the Roxy. i was funny yesterday when Steve Jones asked Jeff on the radio who was opening and Jeff said, you know.

Jonesy said, yeah, screw those wankers.

I think they hit it off.

Best Buy is a funny place. it doesnt matter if youre buying some blank cds to steal music or a fat expensive camera to change the world, the salespeople really dont give a shit.

I say bring back commissioned salespeople. When I was a lad making my way through junior college I sold tvs and stereos on commission and it not only taught me how to sell (and therefore how to get laid), but it taught me the importance of knowing the product, and how to give great customer service.

When commission isnt tied to the sale then why hustle? Why educate yourself? Why try to be better?

Life is all about commission. Life is sales. Coffees for closers, fuck. See this watch? This watch is worth more than your car!

Anyways the dude should have stepped us up to the bigger camera. He should have asked qualifying questions. He should have sold us some lenses and some lens cleaner and some lens filters. He should have asked us why we were using the camera and how fucking killer our company was. He should have said if you like this camera tell your friends where you got it. He should have said when you put the pics on your crazy web site remind them that Best Buy is everywhere and Jimmy sent you.

Instead he popped his gum and went to the back, brought out the box and said if we dont like it we have to pay a 15% restocking fee to get our money back.

I wanted to slap his bottom.

He should have said if you dont like it its because youre grown men using this thing somewhat commercially, and when you come back to trade up I will waive the restocking fee if you ask for me.

For even in non-commission sales you should try to build a customer base, a relationship, because as those jingle jangle bells of Christmas quickly approach do you want to deal with 25 customers a day who are gonna ask you ridiculous questions based out of a lack of trust, or do you want to deal with 35 customers who say Jimmy thanks for letting us know that the new blah blah blah is in, goddamn do i love that cam, what i need is a little buddy that attatches to the lens cap so i dont lose it – oh and a plasma tv for my boom boom room.

tomorrow is Fitzmas and if i dont kiss a pretty girl tonight Lord knows five of them are gonna come running to my house to kiss me tomorrow.

and one of them wont be named Harriet.

Al Franken was on Jon Stewart the other day and Jon asked him who the courageous democrats were and Al thought and thought and came up with one in North Dakota and a few more and Jon said, I’ll wait.

And only after the break did Jon tell the crowd that Al said Barrack Obama but that may have been a joke.

But whats not a joke is the original George Bush said that outting a CIA agent is treason and if you committ treason during a time of war you get executed, so I will have to agree with Al who said that he doesnt think it would be good for the country if Rove or Scooter or Cheney gets executed.

But it sure would make for some interesting television.

JMO + the pants + panama jane + wil in exile + shane nickerson

cuz when this post is over, rock band Tsar is going to be on Jonesy’s Jukebox on 103.1, which im sure is available via the web, [Update, shows over, they were great]

last night i went home and the phone was ringing and people were calling and whats weird about working where i do now is theres not a lot of downtime. we’re a tiny company that signs deals every day and i dont actually make or break the deals but i do help a lot of the back stuff.

for example, Tsar signed with Buzznet yesterday. imagine that. but not like how you or your friends signed up – this is through their label, TVT, the purveyors of Crunk (Lil Jon, etc), and TVT not only wants us to have Tsar on Buzznet but set up a sweet contest and have the band post pictures from the road as they head out with Juliette Lewis

and they want me at the Tower in-store tomorrow to take pics, and at the Roxy show tomorrow night, and oh if we were a bigger company i would hit the road with them, but maybe next year.

maybe.

we have some big bands that are big in their circles like Fall Out Boy and H.I.M. and if you only knew how rabid those fans are… its amazing.

Just go to their pages and look at all the comments these people get or how many Friends they have, its incredible. And even though i never considered Buzznet a competitor to MySpace or LiveJournal or whatever, the fact that these kids can share pictures of their favorite bands or see the pics that the bands put up there and comment is not only cool, its cute.

so i went to the fridge last night and got mondays leftovers from the Pantry and i warmed em up and talked to two girls on speaker and played the SG for them and was all, ok why dont you two come over and dance on my dining room table as i shred on the guitar and they laughed and were all, nah. and i was all why dont we play scientist and one of you can be the control group and the other can be the test study and they were all um nah

and i looked at the joint and a half on my tivo and strangely i was all, nah.

and i looked at the porn next to the joint and i was all, hmmm. and i used to belong to pornflix but for some reason their shit sometimes didnt get to me and i wonder if the postman was stealing that shit because if i was gonna steal anything it would be porn dvds to tony pierce cuz i know what to pick out for example jack’s playground i think is what its called was filmed pretty sweetly and always had cute girls in hot outfits and if you ask me thats what its all about, although jack, like most of the industry is a wee bit preoccupied with that ass if you know what i mean. every ass has to have something stuck into it and what ever happened to romance and dog collars? thats all i wanna know.

so we have one minute till noon and if youre in LA its 103.1 steve jones from the sex pistols interviewing and chatting with your favorite band TSAR

above photo of Sophie via 4rilla + tsar.buzznet.com + jenny good

nolan ryan
nolan ryan had this guy twenty-six
running straight at him
nolan’s forty-six
the guy was mad cuz
nolan
hit em with the ball
and when the guy got at
nolan nolan put him in a headlock
and said
now im gonna hit you with my
fist.
then nolan got the next 13
of 14
batters out.
i really miss you jeanine
satan and the lord put job thru a lot
satan said if job had everything
taken from him he wouldnt love
you God why should he
God said fifty bucks says he won’t crack
God and satan make bets on me how
i’ll start writing
sad poems again
n just get sadder
but nolan proved sometimes
you cant lose.
for even
satan
hates poems about baseball.

from Stiff, available now
$19 unsigned
$25 + $1 shipping, signed

signed by tony pierce, not nolan ryan, perhaps marc brown, but not the ryan xpress

Tsar on Jonesy’s Jukebox, today Wednesday at noon pacific on 103.1 FM

or who you are or what your blog is like, you will always have whispers in your head that youre doing something wrong.

if you dont have any readers the whispers will say shit like this is why you have no readers

if you have readers the whispers will say shit like if you do that or if you keep doing that you’ll piss off and/or lose your readers

rarely do the whispers ever say anything positive like, no tone, your dick is actually the perfect size

or dude just keep doing whatever you want to do, the busblog will just keep rolling into new territory and thats a good thing.

right now the whispers are telling me that if i write about Stiff or Buzznet too much that the readers will get turned off and bored and think that this thing is just a self promoting tool to make money

the whispers say this despite the fact that nobody has written me an email to that point or left a comment to that point, in fact just a few days ago lots of people came to the Buzznet office to talk about Buzznet AND buy Stiff

which is why i stand by my belief that the negative anonymous commentors in my head are manifestations of the Devil and should be ignored.

whats really interesting is Finally i have permission to write about my workplace and it’s a company that can benefit every single blogger – and non-bloggers – and its free so why shouldnt i write about it?

and yet i hesitate. which is dumb, i know, but there you go – im writing about my fears and thats part of blogging and when it comes out so quickly it must be true so there you have it.

because im always stoked when people actually listen to me and take me up on my offers, i will start featuring busblog readers who become Buzznet users. this morning’s picture above comes from Ryan, the pretzel dude who i met in nyc at the blogon dealie.

and the picture to the right is of smelly danielly who was also kind enough to share her pics with us.

one of the duties that im responsible for at Buzznet is to assign Feature pictures which wind up on the main splash page and in the featured picture group. ive gotta say its one of the best parts of the job

next to blogging once a day at the Buzz Blog

and figuring out fun new ways to make Buzznet a real community.

i just got off the phone with Jenny Good and it looks like we’re going to have a pre-Matt Good concert Vancouver meet-up in a nice lounge near where he’s going to play. she also said that i would have full access to backstage, under the stage, above the stage, and in their home to take as many pics as my heart desires.

im a little nervous because my camera is acting up, however ive socked away some money and put it into Sirius stock and i dont want to pull it out until after howard moves over to eh eh eh and watch it jump, so i may have to do a little something to raise some cash.

or i could just ask you to buy Stiff, but then i hear those whispers and i feel like shit.

last night i drove over to the Pantry and came home with some chicken fried steak mashed potatoes and peas and watched al franken play kay bailey huttchenson bash bill clinton a few years ago about perjury saying that telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth was the lynch pin of our justice system

and then he played her this sunday on meet the press talk about how she hopes that rove and cheney dont get in trouble for trifles like perjury because the prosecutor couldnt get any real charges on the initial investigation

and i was all, omg

but then al looked right in the camera and called her a laundry list of foul insulting and perfectly accurate names as the show ended and the screen faded to black but left out partisan

which is what this is all about, deep down.

because if you believe that telling the truth to investigators and prosecutors is the lynch pin of american justice then it doesnt matter who it is who bastardizes that, if you think they should be punished then they should be punished. but if you change your mind a few years later because its Bush’s Brain and the Republican Vice President, then not only are you being just as dishonest but people should start thinking that maybe you voted to impeach Clinton solely because he was a Democrat.

therefore partisanship was the rule of law and not morality or… law.

either way i hope she slips in the shower tonight because the american people deserve better.

a nice young woman named boink signed up + as did smelly + karisa needs to update

“It looks like the Vice President of the United States
lied to the American People.”

beautifully explained by ironmouth + and on metafilter + buried on drudge
from today’s new york times

courtesy of elginroots

when i was leaving nyc i was all blown away by the apple and i was thinking shit these people are so much realer than the west coast fakers, but then at the party i was surrounded by all my friends and i was all these people are super real and fun and funny and smart.

but who am i kidding, ive lived in cali for twenty years, i aint going anywhere.

right now we’re having the worst weather that you can imagine for an october which means its overcast and drizzly but even the drizzle is stony-lazy looking at the stars homes as it hangs in the air.

and i never knew how much i missed the palm trees which makes any scene look a thousand times better. theyre like christmas lights or glitter that way.

yesterday a girl who looked nearly exactly like anna kournikova came over and looked through my birthday booty and was all omg the office – two seasons worth! and wanted to watch them with me until she found the two joints that someone had given me and she asked if i was still on the pipe.

theyre still perfectly rolled, i said. so no.

and she examined them closely, shutting her eyes as she smelled one of them, fascinated by the expert technique.

lets smoke one she said bouncing up and skipping over to my computer closet where i was clicking through all the pics of madonna clubhopping in nyc this weekend.

no baby that stuff doesnt work on me any more, you can have it if you want, but leave me one behind just incase.

just incase she asked.

yeah just incase i have a guest over who wants some or just incase i get a hankering for something one day or just incase pink floyd sets up in my kitchen. dont they have just incase in russia?

apparently they dont because she lit up that jay quick and held it in and coughed and ran over to the front door to blow it out the window.

baby baby baby!!!! i said. dont do that.

shesh do you want to advertise to my neighbors that theres weed in this house? i asked.

no i thought you wouldnt want the smoke in the house.

when have i ever complained about smoke in my house?

she so cute.

i guess all girls are cute topless with nothing but a tennis skirt on and a ponytail.

looking sad like theyve done something wrong.

dejected.

berated.

so i said come here, sit on my lap.

which she did.

and i took the smoking joint from her hand and i inhaled

held it
held it
held it
held it

motioned to her to bend her cute mouth next to mind

exhaled into her

and then watched 60 minutes

then the world series

she asked why do the umpires suck so bad this season

and before i fell asleep on her shoulder i said mwmwmwmwm

and this morning she wrote me a note before i awoke that said i should have $1 shipping for all autographed copies of Stiff until the end of the month

and you know i always listen to the ladies, so consider it done.

top pic of kitty bukkake and rabbit, bottom pic of mc brown

lane + get trivial + zulieka

gotta thank mc brown for that one. the thing was we were super afraid that too many people would show up.

i dont like throwing parties. little known fact. ironic since im gonna be doing a lot of that with buzznet for a while. but when you throw a party youre either worrying that nobodys gonna show up or too many people were gonna show up.

we wrote to a selective but active amount of buzznet users in LA because we wanted to thank them and bring them together since buzznet is, after all, a community, and a social one. but we also emailed a lot of our friends, some of my former coworkers, crazy ass kogonauts at blogging.la put it on the web, and i handled all the rsvps and i got a ton of rsvps.

so we were nervous. when marc picked me up i ate three tums and two asprin. we got a keg at albertsons and when we got ice i was all, hmmmm, is that enough ice?

marc had already gotten a bunch of booze and chips and crackers and cheeze and i had made a playlist of music for my ipod. tons of weezer and acdc and tsar and jesus and mary chain wilco the clash tom waits elvis costello i knew marc would have the crunk so therefore we had a party.

when we got there we rearranged alot of the furniture and he had tons of candles cuz hes a stud and then he had to get his girl which was fine with me cuz my stomach was hurting so a few minutes alone on the throne with my thoughts were perfect.

emptiness the buddhists call it.

typically in la when you say 9 people dont show up until 10:30 but we filled up fast but not too fast. the problem is you dont wanna blow off the people youre talking to but you dont wanna blow off the new people who should be welcomed. i tried to make it all happen and im glad marc was there too.

anyways it turned out fine. we had just enough people that it wasnt overwhelming and it wasnt dull and there werent too many randoms who youd have to keep an eye on. lots of hot girls showed up which was nice. the fellas were all gentlemen and chill so that was nice. someone brought some weed but im straightedge so i just stuck to the left hand cup of straight rum and right hand cup of coke classic.

i met some very nice people who i hadnt met before. in fact i cant think of one person there who i didnt like.

lets try to think of the worst person there.

hmmmm.

jeanine stuck her tounge out at all the pictures but she had the shortest skirt and the tallest boots so she actually wins a prize, so not her.

mr science blog left without saying goodbye but he looked pretty tired for some reason as soon as he got there. he laid his head on the couch real tiredlike so i cant really blame him. and hes the man.

hmmmm. maybe i was the worst person there cuz i made people listen to for those about to rock and evil walks and nelly with justin timberlake.

yeah, i win. plus i had a hard time tapping the keg and sprayed the first parts of sam adams everywhere.

one thing i did notice was people stayed in their little groups. and only mixed when i mixed them. except for a few, i should say, i noticed that people stayed in their groups.

so i think the next buzznet party we should do something like have to talk to a stranger for two songs of the ipod. maybe i’ll ring a bell first. it is a party after all, its the perfect time to meet people, and we’re all shy and nervous deep down. the next one i have a pretty good feeling is going to be in canada.

id also like to have one in phoenix soon because from all accounts alecia knows how to party and thats interesting. but we also have a pretty good group of buzznetters down there.

people gave me gifts. i thank you for those. i got season one and two of the office. i got the suicide girls dvd. dan from tsar gave me a beer bottle opener that says things when you use it. someone gave me two joints which was pretty cool. the girls from look look got me some chocolate tools. i got two very nice birthday kisses. matt welch got me california editor the autobiography of thomas storke. emmanuelle got me that patriotic italian dude who sings neo-con usa usa songs like bon jovi and team america funny as hell.

zona boy got me an autographed ernie banks national league baseball for crying out loud.

the howard stern vagina corner sent me an email
as did the gorilla mask message board
and the tivo message board

aj called me, ashley called me, my mom called me, mia texted me

even saw the lights of the goodyear blimp and it read, “ice cube’s a pimp”

everyone who wished me happy birthday in the comments of this blog and in email and on my buzznet page, and everyone who gave me booze, thank you.

afterwards chris drove me home but first we stopped by the original tommys burger on rampart. it might be the second one. who knows. all i know is i got a cheezeburger mustard and mayo only. and ketchup. all i know is i got some fries with that shit too and i know i woke up this morning on the couch with the tv still on and george stephanopolis saying some nonsense. what do kids think when theyre forced to see stephanapolis talk to george will? they must think its saturday and cartoons are on.

woke up smelling that chiliburger and listening to george and realising i was still in my shirt from last night and i got up and got some juice and ate tootsie rolls which im still eating tonight and i thought about those joints but i must really have kicked the habit cuz i hadnt thought of them again until just now.

i think something happened in the world series today but im not sure since the raiders and the bears both won, which means anything was possible today.

welch completely showing off + dvl said we’d never meet + finally met koganuts too

if you ever meet me, and odds are increasing that you will get that pleasure, you will see that im not at all what i appear in this blog. but if you do meet me you should examine me up and down and you should say to yourself

how did this dude wake up this morning with a girl who looked remarkably like anna kournikova who had morning breath and cigarrette breath and mascara in her blonde hair and lipstick on her nose and was he serious when he said dont get up and he kissed her and how is it that he loved it

how did this dude cuddle with her for hours as the neighbors smoked outside the window as the ipod rocked the speakers singing lets get it on and how did this knucklehead actually have the strength to do as brother marvin recommended after what this lil blogger did to her the night previous.

which is the cause of my sore quadraceps as i havent used those muscles in… months.

you should ask, how is it that this fool can drink the cheapest of rums straight no chaser and not be completely hungover in fact how is it that he will sing in the shower after she leaves at 11am and how is it that she actually accepts her removal from his domicile because the nerd needs to attend his live fantasy basketball league draft which will start at noon.

you should wonder why a bald man finds it necessary to shampoo his missing afro and spend so much time in the bathroom that he nearly makes himself late as he drives to two fast food drivethrus to get his favorite breakfast: two tacos from jack in the box, and a mcflury and fries from mcdonalds, mcflurries of course remind him of ashley*, pictured, above.

you should ponder how is it that he had the second to last pick in the draft of 16 teams and how was it that he got shaq and duncan in the first two rounds, respectfully.

you should inquire how is it that he then danced around his apartment, played guitar like a fucking retard, talking to his mom who sent him $100 which he will promptly place in either Sirius stock or in a Sirius car radio, a variety of his ex girlfriends, and several other people some of whom will be attending his birthday party.

and you should wonder why is this happening to him and not you.

and when you get that answer please let me know because i dont fucking understand it either because i have met some of you and some of you deserve this far more than i because on my special day i shave while on speaker phone with ac/dc blasting in the front room and Tsar in the bedroom and one of the girls actually let me talk hella dirty things to her even though she swore that she didnt like it but she liked it, of course she liked it cuz if you think i can write, you should hear me talk about something i know a thing or two about.

like what i did to the anna kournikova this morning with sore thighs defying gravity shapeshifting bodyrockin hiphoppin etc

i am having a wonderful day

i have not turned on the tv

i have listened to the tsar live concert that i linked like four times in a row

ive eaten tootsie rolls that i bought for the tricker treaters

and not lunch

ive considered porn cuz sometimes hot babes who you could bounce a quarter off any part of their bodies and trust me i have sometimes make you hornier after they do you like chinese food or some shit

and because its my birthday ms paris hiltons famous dvd is lookin at me and so is a number of dvds from the good people from anabolic who want me to work for them and so are a selection from shanes world

and then of course are the emails with attatchments from you, the lovelies of the web who never cease to stoke me even though i dont stoke you back.

but thats what this Buzznet world tour is all about: its drinks for my friends

Buzznet: when youre #2 you try party harder

see you at the loft