Fuck Fuck Fuck.

If you’re offended by these words you have a big fat problem.

Nigger Nigger Nigger.

Pissed yet?

A little?

Pussy Pussy Pussy.

You have a problem because you’re letting some screwball control your emotions in a simplistic way.

Dumbfuck Dumbfuck Dumbfuck.

You are too sensitive and you should relax.

Shit Shit Shit.

And by no means should you be reading a college paper, because in most people’s minds, college journalism echoes society more honestly and with less restrictions than any other source of information.

Bastard Bastard Bastard.

At least that’s how it used to be.

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.

Anyway, by now you’re probably a wee bit less offended by these words as you read, which is normal.

Fucker Fucker Fucker.

But maybe not.

Stupid Stupid Stupid.

If you are the type that does get all angry inside and your heart starts racing and you want to kill “whoever the fuck wrote that Goddamned story,” you are in way more trouble than you think.

Really Bad Words Really Bad Words Really Bad Words.

You’re probably better off reading the Santa Barbara News-Press. They won’t shock you or make you angry, I promise.

Junk Junk Junk.

Or if you think you’re intellectual and you think the Nexus is beyond your scope of mental stimulation, read the New York Times. They’re as boring as the Los Angeles Times, but more expensive, although their book review section is better.

Why Why Why?

Because they review books that have a lot of “fuck”s, “shit”s, and “gosh”es in ’em.

Blowjobs Blowjobs Blowjobs.

No, no blowjobs in the New York Times, just a lot of “fuck”s, “shit”s, and “gosh”es.

Cant Cant Cant.

Some people don’t like it when you grammar bad.

Tough shit Tough shit Tough shit.

Most “swear” words are pretty funny when you actually think about them when you read ’em.

Dork Dork Dork.

Some people are just so sensitive you could call them by their given name and they’d be upset at you, like that one guy in Stripes.

Francis Francis Francis.

I think his nickname was “Psycho”.

Bitch Bitch Bitch.

They called him Psycho because he didnt realize that names are just a bunch of letters that form a word that some guy somewhere said meant something. Spelled backward they mean something else or don’t mean anything at all.

.tnuC tnuC tnuC

Or does it?

.tihs fo eceip sselhtrow gnikcuf uoY

People play records backwards to see if the musicians are trying to say something “dirty” or wicked but this may be the first time they read a newspaper backwards.

Boring Boring Boring.

I heard a story once where a guy wrote a newspaper essay where the first letter of each paragraph when they were all put together spelled out a sentence. People will do strange things to have their message printed and other people will get mad and others will get happy. It’s just the way it is.

Boogers Boogers Boogers.

Words are only as powerful as you let them be.

Red Jello in a bowl with a scoop of whipped cream.

Sperm.

Realize that if you really hate the way I wrote this and you despise all of the “nasty” words I’ve used, I’ve taken you through a trip in and out of gutters that you probably didn’t even want to go through.

No No No.

Does that make me the shitty writer that you accuse me of being?

Yes Yes Yes.

Or does that make you one of the easiest people in the world to predict, manipulate, and control?

Maybe Maybe Maybe.

You may love me or hate me, either way I have no idea. I may be awake or asleep, dead, or in Hawaii, and I have affected you. But did I affect you or did you react a certain way to splotches of ink on the cheapest piece of paper available.

I love you.

When your mom writes that she loves you and your president writes it and I write it, it’s different to you, isn’t it? Is that our fault or yours?

Yours Yours Yours.

That goes the same for fucks, shits, farts, green juicy boogers and the cool side of your pillow – they’re all just words and mean absolutely nothing unless you pretend that they do.

Je t’aime Je t’aime Je t’aime

If you don’t believe me, try to read from King Tut’s tomb. What do you think hieroglyphics really mean?

Fuck off, I’m tryin’ to get some sleep.

They don’t mean a thing unless you think they do.

Autographs are the same way.

And love letters.

And personal checks.

And opinion columns in newspapers.

And graffiti on walls.

And French barking dogs.

Woof Woof Woof.

People are just trying to communicate and really don’t want to piss you off and probably don’t even know you, so why should they want to piss you off?

fuck fuck fuck.

does lowercase make it less harsh?

f u c k f u c k f u c k

What about spread out?

FUCKFUCKFUCK.

My God, you are strange if words affect you so. Am I really responsible for your inadequacies?

Fuck NO fuck Nofuck.

Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum.

Wait, theres one I forgot. It’ll piss everyone off.

Abortion Abortion Abortion.

Well maybe not everyone. Just the overly sensitive ones. The best part is I didnt say Pro or No Abortion and I betcha there’s already someone who I hadn’t pissed off who’s now red hot. Sorry babe.

Girls Girls Girls.

Dudes Dudes Dudes.

Sleep.

Because I’ve chosen to arrange these letters this way, have I made a reflection of myself on this paper?

huh huh huh?

Is this a “dirty” “radical” “liberal” paper because they printed this?

Juicy Christmas turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes.

Or is it just a blank sheet that they fill up with ink every day?

Love Love Love.

What if they put the wrong name up there and I’m really Chancellor Uehling?

Nah Nah Nah.

Seriously what if she paid me off just so she could say “nasty” things in public.

God I hate you peons.

What if you found out my name isn’t really Tony, but it’s Tammy and I was a girl? Am I less feminine now for arranging these letters this way?

La La La.

Am I really?

A bucket full of grape jelly.

Well, I have no clue what more to say.

Be nice and don’t be stupid when talking about our very first amendment – there are no accidents.

Peace.

originally published 4/20/89 in the world famous daily nexus + now available as bonus material in Stiff

someone put this knucklehead in the wikipedia

whoever you are, thank you, merci & gracias

and ive lost tons of jobs.

but i think this is the first time in my whole life that ive had a job lined up more than two weeks before leaving the “old” job.

its very odd.

for the last two weeks ive felt somewhat like howard stern chomping at the bit waiting to jump over to the other side where i can really go for it.

unlike howard i really liked my current company, but i really didnt fit in the job that ive had. you can try to be a shortstop playing catcher, but after a while people just say, “dude you cant even put on the equipment properly – go find a team that needs a damn shortstop and quit embarrassing yourself.”

yesterday there was a tv crew in the place. it reminded me of E! because they used to shoot all over the building. i like that energy and i will miss it.

i will also miss how smart everyone is.

for all you young people who read this, just know that some companies dont always hire smart people and so if you find yourself surrounded with people who know what the hell theyre doing or have great ideas or know how to communicate, appreciate it cuz it’s rare.

i know its hard to believe, but it’s true.

i will also miss hollywood blvd. which is a daily acid trip. ive seen vomit, poop, celebs dolled up, celebs fucked up, tourists from every country, space aliens, dogs walking themselves, the hottest chicks alive, and the scariest people of all time.

one day i will take a camera up and down hollywood blvd for a year and make the greatest coffee table book of all time, but first i have some kickass work to do with my friend marc brown and his longtime partner anthony over at buzznet.

my first assignment is to fly to new york this weekend, meet christie from the best week ever blog, and some old friends, and then crash the BlogOn con and spread the word of buzznet which has made some improvements lately, including increasing the size of their horizontal pictures.

there are many more upgrades on the way, so stay tuned. and do me a flavor, if youve ever considered signing up for a free account and/or putting a buzznet strip on your blog, knock yourself out and sign up… for me, your pal tone.

and if youre going to be in new york on monday night come have a drink with me and marc at Lolita’s in the East Village.

i’ll have a few copies of Stiff for sale, you’ll get to see how frickin tall mc brown is, and if you’re lucky you’ll even get to buy me a Baileys on the rocks.

tell your friends.

christie + best week ever + newyorkology + evil china girl + city rag

which they really shouldnt because its not like theres much else better on television

and you really shouldnt disuade the networks from making quality cough FREE tv for your ungrateful asses.

and even though i would love to write about Lost the night that it airs, i realize that we live in a Tivo Nation and not everyone can see the show when its beamed across the friendly skies and not everyone is glued to the set exactly when you and i are, so since it comes on tomorrow i figure that today would be a good day to recap for a quickie little minute.

first of all during Lost’s season finale they had the weird white people kidnap the black child. sorta a Bill Bennett move months before the actual utterence of the republican. no word yet if crime has gone down on the island because of it.

then you have adebisi being just as freaky and scary as he was in Oz, and you have my girlfriend michelle rodriguez and peg bundy as newcommers to the show – as if they needed any fresh blood, but they do add to the story.

now for the annoying stuff: i dont mind that the first two episodes were basically re-tellings of the inside of the hatch incident. ive got time. i dont need something super new happening each moment and the hatch is new and interesting so why not.

plus in the second episode we got to see my brotha and the whiteboy on those goofy rafts fighting and dripping blood into the sea as sharks were banging their noses underneath them. you got a problem with that? i dont.

back in the hatch we have the aussie diddling around with the Apple II. typing in the crazy numbers trying to keep the clock back at 108 – which was my age when i started the busblog, fyi – because he didnt want the world to explode.

this is the only problem that i have with the plot thus far.

if he’s afraid the world will explode, why is he running away from the bunker? i realize hes probably more than a little twisted after spending that much time, alone, listening to mama cass records, and not having any junk food to munch on, but for a survivalist he must know that he’s safer in that bunker than out of it.

especially with the polar bears and spirits and dinosaurs running around out there.

and who let the fat guy into the pantry?

similarily im bummed that the korean guy is gonna start speaking english. unless he got some sort of locke transformation via the island, i dont want to know that he’s known english this whole time.

i hope that as soon as he starts talking a dinosaur bites his head off.

i also want people to dip into the heroin stash and start having orgies.

isnt that what you do when youre about to die?

with that said i loved the training film that locke and the doc watched. i loved how they failed at making it seem old. it was scary and i like it when broadcast tv is scary, and unlike howard stern i refuse to believe that the island was a nazi experiment gone wrong.

the nazis never made it to asia.

me, if i was on that island i would hang out with the fat guy. not only is he lucky but hes funny.

although he looks like he reeks like a mother.

adrants on blookgate + communicatrix + i like that people might think im ev

to be able to tip your hat to a cheering crowd.

its what seperates us from apes.

although my current workplace is filled with over a dozen lovely ladies, theyre all caught up in this Angel fever and they know im a Cub fan and have asked me who i will be pulling for during the American League championship which starts today on the south side of Chicago.

and i know that i might negatively impact some of my book sales for saying what i am about to say but true fans of the busblog know that i always keep it real, so perhaps they’ll understand.

As a Cubs fan theres no way I can root for the White Sox unless they were playing the Yankees, or the Padres, or the Cardinals. And even then it would be tough and i would probably be secretly hoping for a natural disaster to break out in the stands.

it’s tough though because its not like im crazy about the American League in general.

and it’s not like the angels are all that beloved in Hollywood unless your name rhymes with Platt Scmelch.

the new owner of the Angels tried to bum rush the name Los Angeles when his team is clearly in Anaheim.

Los Angeles county is one of the largest counties in all of the United States (if not THE largest county – one of you brainacs will do some factchecking for my ass) and Anaheim is plainly in Orange County – yes the OC.

it’s about a mile away from Disneyland. it’s on one of the former orange groves. it’s the motherfucking 714 for crying out loud!

they have as much business calling themselves the Los Angeles Angels as they do calling themselves the Chicago Angeles.

and another thing, anyone who knows the first thing about spanish knows that The Los Angeles Angels translates to

The The Angels Angels.

other than Stuttering John, who the fuck wants to root for the the angels angels of anaheim?

and Fox is no better, they play this crap up. they call them the Los Angeles Angels, and in the graphics they even say LAA like little kissasses, which is funny because me and basart were over at welch’s house on sunday and basart noticed that FOX totally grammared bad:

on the graphic is said “LAA leads series 2-1”.

because he’s a nerd (aka gay) he was all, “it should read ‘LAA lead series 2-1’ because it really says Los Angeles Angels lead…”

regardless i fucking hate the white sox. im glad steve dahl blew up comiskey, im glad harry caray and nancy faust defected to the northside, im glad that bill veeck spent way more afternoons in the bleachers at wrigley after he sold the team,

and im glad they have to face the best team in baseball because even without rest the angels are going to send em packing.

however i do love the Sox manager, ozzie guillen and i hope the Cubs can somehow lure him away.

and their centerfielder podsednik too.

kitty bukkake + the rabbit blog + teardrop madness + iron mouth

if i was you id be thankful for lots of things.

hockey’s back, weed is close to being legal, global warming is gonna stop people from complaining how cold is it up there.

and you have like half of my favorite bloggers all in your country.

this morning paige caught me on msn to wish me a happy thanksgiving.

i asked her if she was gonna have turkey but she said she had dinner last night.

last night?

sometimes i wonder if canada does things differently just to be different.

for example, why the heck would you have thanksgiving on a monday? how does that help anything out?

the funny thing about blogging is ive never really known about my neighbors to the north, and i cant say i know that much more, but i have learned that they dont parlez vous as much as i thought or hoped.

they have been incredibly nice.

and i am hoping that when i start my gig with Buzznet next week that mc brown will authorize a canadian tour where i can at least visit vancouver around the time matt good does some shows there

and perhaps a journey to montreal to see the sites.

i understand they have a hockey team there.

and of course ice fishing with raymi and fil.

however i reaaaaaally want to see the Rush Museum and the beer factory from Strange Brew.

and pamela anderson’s birthdplace, of course.

thanks for all the early adopters who picked up Stiff as soon as i plopped it on the web, im thinking about having a web page that will list everyone’s name and link to their blog or favorite site or something.

i had a great weekend, and this will be a fun, yet bittersweet week because of my departure from my current company.

our owners were featured in this article in the LA Times, however, which was pretty cool.

i will miss them dearly.

yahoo has a podcast portal + paige + neil + blogger unknown

two ways to get them: signed or unsigned

unsigned is cheaper, quicker, and you dont even really have to deal with me.

signed cost a little more and you’ll have to email me.

it’s up to you but gee it’d be great if you got one, the goal is to sell 666 before the end of the year.

i can honestly say that this collection is my best and favorite work. it’s the novella Stiff, it’s my best and favorite poems, and it’s my favorite op-ed column from the daily nexus all in one deal.

for a signed version or more info click here + to get an unsigned version click here
emmanuelle took a pic of me with most of them here

10/8/05
Lighthouse Cafe

in isla vista i used to say that i knew i was at the right party if marc brown was there.

marc brown was not at the tsar show last night at the Lighthouse Cafe in hermosa beach.

six members of the rockstar:inxs show were there though.

even the black dude with the spikey mohawk who i used to like until he walked out during the tsar set.

now i cant blame him completely, hermosa is the place where frat boys and sorority hos move to after graduation. and if my favorite band wasnt playing there, no way would i have been anywhere near there.

sadly it was only one of two october shows that tsar was scheduled to play in LA, and i had to feed karisas cat in nearby playa. and it was a benefit for the victims of katrina.

if i had known that the rockstar inxs crew would be doing their version of karaoke directly before the tsar set i might have been fashionabley late.

hermosa beach is the reason the terroists hate us.

its the reason i hate us.

its the reason people move to new york.

to be forced to watch and listen to skinny white girls in two hundred dollar jeans sing marvin gaye to a drunken crowd before they raffle off a beach cruiser is the reason they invented jello shots, and cyanide capsules,

and big shiney 70s headphones, which tsar singer jeff whalen sarcastically sported while waiting for the madness to fizzle out.

twenty minutes after they were scheduled to leave the stage the rockstar:inxsers finally left, tsar turned on their smoke machine and mid set there was only one inxser left in the club and he was loving it and right in front

for even in the entire land of soddom, there will be one who is worthy of saving.

tsar opened with calling all destroyers which nicely segued into band girls money.

dan wore a long sleeve shirt for the first time, i think ever on stage.

the second the show was over, i was headed out the door, but not before first letting tsars manager know that i would like never to return to hermosa please, to which he understood and asked me if i would be at the roxy show at the end of the month and i said but of course.

and before i ran out the door i swiped one of dans guitar picks from the ground which had a faint hint of blood on it.

as thats how tsar rolls.

earthquake blogging from lahore + and karachi + mig central

hes 26.

the first time he wrote me an email he said something like “i get hotter chicks than you do.” and thats it.

truth of the matter was i had just worn two supermodels out and was waiting for a third to get out of the shower cuz i called her a dirty ho and she said im not dirty and i said yes you are and she said well maybe a little dirty and i pointed to the cabinet with the spare towels and when i heard the water i checked my email and there was bro talkin hella shit.

ever since then my fellow libra and i have had a pleasant time of linking to each other and stoking each other in silent ways.

he sent me his book this summer which i tried to read while on jury duty but tia carrera was sitting across from me and then we got slapped with an earthquake.

but i broed him with the link on the left and what i read was good so if youre up for sex drugs and new york tales you should get the novel which is beautifully designed.

so good that i asked him if hed design Stiff and he said yes but i never took him up on it cuz im lazy.

so then i had a book design contest that you probably all remember and he won it pretty easilly cuz hes a stud.

he takes cool pics of hot chicks and you gotta tip your hat to him for that but i think its a libra thing. women come easy for us, we just have to remember not to get in our own way.

so today is his birthday so i am putting up his painting of raymi that i have in my bathroom, a pic he took of bono this week, some other pics by him, and a list i stole from another blog of all the cool free shit you get on your birthday if theyre still valid.

happy birthday bro, i hope i see you in the apple when i make my way out there on 10/17.

ALFY’S PIZZA – free mini pizza
ALL-AMERICAN CAFÉ – free dessert
APPLEBEES – free dessert
AUSTIN GRILL – free meal (register first)
BAKERS SQUARE – free pie
BANDIDO’S [IN] – free entrée
BANJARA INDIAN CUISINE [SUNNYVALE, CA] – free meal
BASKIN ROBBINS – free ice cream treat
BEACHES RESTAURANT – free meal
BENNIGANS – free dessert + song
BILL KNAPP’S [MI & OH] – gives adults a % discount equal to age; plus a free bday cake (w/purchase of a meal) during the week of your B-day
BLACK BRISKEE [BURLINGTON, MA] – free meal
BOB’S BIG BOY – free hot fudge ice cream
BURGER KING – free kids meal to all kids club members
CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN – free kids meal during the month of their birthday (register first)
CAPTAIN DIZZY’S CAR WASH – free car wash
CARROWS – free cake
CATTLEMEN’S – free dessert and cowboy hat
CHARLIE BROWNS RESTAURANTS [NJ] – free meal for “Handshake Club” members
CHARLIE’S SEAFOOD [NE] – free meal
CHEVY’S – free dessert and sombrero
CHILI’S – free song
CHIPS N GIGGLES – free meal
CLAIM JUMPER – Free Dessert
CRAZY BUFFET [WESTPALM & TAMPA, FL] – free meal
DENNY’S – free meal (said to be only kids under 10 now)
DESPARADOS MEXICAN RESTAURANT [GARLAND, TX] – free meal
DOCKSIDE RESTAURANT [MALDEN & SAUGUS, MA] – free meal
DUKE’S CHOWDER HOUSE [SEATTLE, WA] – b1g1 coupons (register first)
EINSTEIN’S – free meal
EL CHICOS – free dessert
ERNIE’S STEAKHOUSE – free meal
FAMOUS DAVE’S BARBEQUE – free meal (w/advance signup)
FUDDRUCKERS – free burger
FUNNY BONE COMEDY CLUB [PITTSBURGH, PA] – free cake (party of 5 min.; 2 drink min.)
GOLDEN CORRAL – free meal to Birthday Club members (not just kids!) during month of birthday
GRILLFISH – free meal
HANA JAPAN [DUBLIN, CA] – free meal
HARD ROCK CAFÉ – free dessert
HOMETOWN BUFFET – free birthday cake
HOOTERS – free song + tshirt
HOSS’S STEAK HOUSE AND RESTAURANT [GETTYSBURG, PA] – free cake + song
IHOP- free meal
JOE’S CRAB SHACK – free cake
JT WHEATFIELDS [BUFFALO, NY] – free coupon in phone book
KING BUFFET [CLINTON, NJ] – free meal
LADONNA [MANSFIELD, MA] – free meal
LOMBARDI’S IN BALLARD [SEATTLE, WA] – free meal w/another during month of birthday (register first)
LOTUS – free meal
LUTHERS BBQ – free stuff (varies) for “Great Rewards” members
MACARONI GRILL – free dessert + OPERA-style “Happy Birthday” song
MAGGIANOS – $10 Off purchase of $20 (sign up in advance)
MARIE CALENDERS – free dessert
MAX AND ERMA [OH] – free $5 dessert
MEXICAN VILLAGE – free meal
MOONIES DINER – free meal
MUCKLESHOOT CASINO [SEATTLE, WA] – free sushi dinner + player’s club points
NEWICK’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS [SO. NH / SO. ME] – free entrée
NITTY GRITTY [MADISON, WI] – free drink + souvenir glass
OKAYAMA RESTAURANT (in Japan Town) [SAN JOSE, CA] – free meal
OLD SPAGHETTI WAREHOUSE – free meal
OLIVE GARDEN – cake (some say free, most say $$)
ONAMI [WEST COVINA, CA] – free dinner WITH 3 other people paying
OUTBACK – free dessert + song
PANCAKE HOUSE [WINNIPEG, CAN] – free entrée
PAPPA’S RESTAURANTS (PAPPADEAUX, PAPPASITO’S, ETC) – free dessert
PARADISO’S – free meal
PERKIN’S – free stack of pancakes
PF CHANGS – free cake or cheesecake
PIZZA EXPRESS [EUROPE] – free meal
PONCHO’S – free meal, dessert & picture
PROVINO’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT – free $10.99 meal and ice cream dessert
Radisson (on Portage Ave at Smith St) [WINNIPEG, CAN] – free entree in their 12th floor restaurant
REAL SEAFOOD COMPANY [ANN ARBOR] – free meal and dessert
RED LOBSTER – free slice of cake + song
RICE & COMPANY [PITTSBURGH, PA] – free meal for Robinson Rewards Club members
ROCK BOTTOM – free appetizer for Mug Club members
ROUND TABLE – free personal pizza
RUBIO’S MEXICAN – (many say invalid)
SCALINI’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT [ATLANTA, GA] – up to 10.95 off pasta specialties
SHEPARD’S BUFFET [CLEARWATER BEACH, FL] – free dinner buffet w/3 other paid customers
STEAK AND ALE – free mini choco cake
STEAK-N-SHAKE – free dinner for “birthday club” kids
TGI FRIDAYS – Free Birthday Dessert
THE 99 [BOSTON, MA] – free meal
THE BARNSIDER’S/DEPOT RESTAURANTS [BOSTON / N.SHORE / PROVIDENCE, RI / ALBANY, NY] – 1/2 off meal + cake & song
THE LOFT [FL] – free meal
THE PALM – 3lb lobster (must be a member/register first)
THE PARADISO [GRAND FORKS, ND] – free entrée + sombrero & song
THE VINE TAVERN – free meal
TODAI SEAFOOD BUFFET – Free Meal or voucher for Meal Next Visit
TONY ROMA’S – free dessert
UP THE CREEK [MARYVILLE, TN] – free meal and dessert
VACCARO’S ITALIAN PASTRY SHOP [MD/DC AREA] – free dessert and drink
WENDY’S – free kids meal to all kids club members
ZIO’S – free dessert

Others:

OTHERS:
ARIZONA SNOW BOWL [FLAGSTAFF, AZ] – free skiing/riding (if they are open)
Auto Zone – Free oil change
BEAR MOUNTAIN OR SNOW SUMMIT – free skiing/riding
BELLEAYRE MOUNTAIN – free skiing/riding
COTTONWOOD GOLF COURSE [SAN DIEGO, CA] – free round of golf
DAVE AND BUSTERS – $5 game card credit
FOOD PAVILION GROCERY STORE – free movie rental
Hallmark – 20% off coupon for one item
HARKINS – free movie
HOLLYWOOD VIDEO – free video rental
SAFEWAY GROCERY STORE – free movie rental
SCRUB-A-DUB – free car wash
VARIOUS STRIP CLUBS – free lap dances
VARIOUS TANNING SALONS – free tan
WHITEHALL JEWELERS – free $50 gift certificate
BUSBLOG – a link – if you tell the dude

the known universe + envy the rain + his pics of raymi