and marched that thing across the miles of parkinglot at dodger stadium last night, the final game of the three game series

it didnt hurt that the cubs were up by a run when we got into the parkinglot and up by four by the time we made it to the turnstyle

but thats where the terrorists won.

we cant let you go into the stadium with that broom, the young security guard informed me

i was all youve got to be kidding me

no sir, im afraid im not.

and i believed him so i very politely asked him if i could see his supervisor because bringing a broom to a potential sweep is a baseball tradition harking back to the olden days long before there were rentacops in front of the entrances of our major league baseball parks standing behind cheap folding tables.

he assured me that they dont make the rules and that his boss would tell me the same thing he was telling me

i was all, fine.

then he said, you probably havent been to dodger stadium before

which pissed me off since i had been there plenty of times, including the last two days. so i said, immediately

you probably havent been to a baseball game before.

and was all, sir, i work at a baseball stadium

to which i said if the home team confescates the brooms from the fans of the visitors, then it’s not real baseball any more. yes you work at a stadium, thats where it ends.

and then he told me my backpack was too big and he’d have to take that too.

after the cubs did, indeed, sweep the los angeles dodgers, this time beating them with a rookie pitcher in his major league debut, thanks to a three-run homer from shortstop neifi perez,

i retrieved my broom and backpack and marched through the now-dark parking lot holding it sky high.

why does that man have a broom? i heard people whisper.

the broom the broom! i heard cub fans shout.

come back when you have a ring, the snide hissed as they passed.

starts with a broom i snapped back.

dont mess with a man with a W shirt and a broom over his head.

come here with that broom two super pissed off shirtless tattooed gang looking dudes said.

they wanted to fight. welch was right, everyone wants to fight at dodger stadium these days. last night we saw a cat fight in the top deck that nearly ended in casualties. one drunken woman literally dove over the laps of four patrons in the front row and grabbed the hair of her victim. the women wrestled and people threw drinks at them

while i patiently waited for one if not both of them to fall over the rail and splatter into the loge level below.

the gang dudes asked me if i would like to ride the broom, so i gladly positioned it between my legs and skipped around as if it were a hobby horse and i yelled im riding the dodgers like the cubs just did yeeeeeeh haaaaawwww

shocked, they verbally abused my shoes(!) your shoes dont even match your gear, we’re gangstas fool, we match!

funniest thing ive ever heard in a parkinglot, friends.

ever.

so yes, the dodger fans are ruthless and looking to throw down, but because it’s LA everyones fashion-first. i got it.

and before the cheerleader drove us out of our parking spot i stuck my head out of the sun roof and yelled into the night sky LETS PLAY TWO!

joz joz joz on the sunset and vine fire + dirty fez + terra + everyone = hitler

even though i despise anonymous comments, there was a good one the other day. the question posed was why should the pope be concerned with the legalization of marijuana.

and the answers are suprisingly simple.

the first being, biblically the good book is pro-marijuana stating clearly that ALL the green seed-bearing plants are here for our use:

Genesis 1-29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

every. bitch. every. also see Genesis 9:3.

and of course he meant the happy weed that does make some a little sleepy at times, but so does turkey so chill.

so of course the pope should be upset that the world has gotten all freaked out on one of God’s most natural creations. especially the green herb that chills people out, mellows them, makes them laugh, and helps prevent a lot of the violence that riddles this beautiful blue globe.

the second reason the pope should be concerned about weed being illegal is that if it is true that 60% of americans in jail are in prison for “drug”-related crimes, and if it is true that most of them are minorities, then it is probably also feasable to assume that most of those minorites are probably african-american and/or mexican-america and/or latino. and therefore a very high probability that they are Catholics.

therefore the pope should be concerned that there are tens of thousands of Catholics in american prisons over something that shouldnt have been illegal in the first place! and theyre in prisons being exposed to far more deadlier sins than smoking the wacky tobbacy.

plus many of them are in those jails being converted to other religions.

like the muslim faith.

the third reason the pope should call bullshit on the war on drugs is because of the enviornment. everyone knows that hemp, the non-smokey part of the marijuana plant, can produce six times the amount of paper than trees do. and they regenerate faster than trees. and you dont have to use as much land as you do for trees.

the fourth reason the pope should focus his last breaths on legalizing weed is because of the economic windfall that it would create once america quits acting like lazyass stoners. if america legalized it, they could tax it. once other countries followed suit, america could export it. all of this means jobs. a strong dollar and a economically strong america means a more prosperous and less-violent world.

think about it, during a recession, like now, what are the best american exports? bombs and guns and cigarrettes. all wars are are infomercials for other countries to see how fucking gnarly our exports are.

wouldnt it be better if we were shipping off cargoships full of greenbud from oregon, northern california, and hawaii? america is far better suited to grow the sticky green than any other country in the world. and with our riches, we will actually donate to charities more.

especially if the pope reminds us who helped make it legal.

so do the right thing, the pope, and read your bible and let america know that the Lord doesn’t like it when you tell Him that His creation should be illegal because theres something wrong with being happy, and He doesnt like it when you tell Him that His children couldnt handle smoking something that hasnt ever killed anyone.

and not only watch the world become a better place, but watch your churches fill up.

in search of utopia + seabrook + melting dolls

i guess thats the life of a g-unit hussler.

work up at noon thirty and started scrambling to see who called while i was sleeping. my phone is a mess in the mornings.

then i got an email from a very important person that told me that my ship might be coming in soon.

so then i talked on the phone with karisa who said that she had her feet up on her desk and could feel the ocean breeze skip over the sands of santa monica and blow her long locks back.

then i told her i wouldnt be working for her company this summer, that i was going to try to write another book.

all of this was after spending all night Finally finishing my new book which i hope you all buy – but we’ll talk about that later.

at 111 years old, mc brown convinced me, one should start working on the things that he wants to do instead of the things that he should be doing. i dont have any kids, i dont have a mortgage or a car note. although a 9-5 gig working with the coolest chick in an izusu is a dream come true, maybe right now isnt the time to work 9-5 for me. maybe this is the summer i write like a fool.

very troubling descisions. very difficult ones. because no matter what i do i like to do it well. and even though i know her company would have been far far different than my former company, i havent had the best luck working for the man these last few years.

at e! i was loved by pretty much everyone other than the decision makers. no matter how i tried, no matter what i did, i got no love. at the dot com right before e! i was loved by everyone but the day they let go of 80 people they decided to make it an even 81 and added my name to the list. of course there was a disturbance in the force that made them hire me back 4-5 hours later, but the damage had been done and i started to see the writing on the wall.

a while back i worked for WebTV for a while. when then got bought by Microsoft i hung in there for a peice but i didnt want to work for the biggest company in the world. what was the point? so i started my own company of installing satelite dishes and hooking up peoples audio systems. i also sold peanuts at Giants games. basically i had three little jobs going and it was pretty liberating to do my own thing.

im thinking that this might be a good time to get that going again. not the install business, but the american ideal of self-reliance and individualism. of course it helped that i sold my second blog ad today, and for a tv show that i actually watched last season, and it helped that i finished a project yesterday that hopefully will be available to you, the book reading public on the target date of 6/6. but we’ll talk about that later too.

last night at the game was great fun. the things marc brown can do with his phone are amazing. only thing it cant do is get us beer service in our seats. for that you have to be matthew lee welch and be sitting in the presidents box.

basart got a call around the fourth inning and he picked up and it was welch on the other line saying look over your left shoulder. see me, see this wine glass? free! see this plastic dodger cap full of garlic fries? FREE! and then he whipped one out of the box for effect and then hung up cackling.

welch is supposed to go with me to the game tonight but hes probably gonna have to cancel which is cool cuz miss korea wants to come again as does mr science blog ben sullivan as does this fella who wants to be my lawyer even though im all dude i have a lawyer, back off, and shes due any minute so step.

two twenty two and i havent even had breakfast yet. as yankoff smirnoff said, i love this country.

she’s krafty + steph + simpleton + wil wheaton is getting better

you flilthy lil runaway, where ya been? could you have waited any longer to let may continue to have its way with me?

i was fired, i was beaten, i was lied to, then for a finale i was anally probed.

mark prior almost lost his entire arm, i was denied entrance into the graduate school of choice, and i had to sell out the busblog and pimp ads.

all of this happened in 31 days? fuck.

i did amazingly well with the ladies in may though, so i appreciate your ability to keep me away from bridges and tall buildings.

but how is it that the cubs dont have sammy in left field.

and how is it that these bozos are still running this country and therefore this world and therefore this war of the worlds.

and seriously how can jay leno be so flat-out unfunny and still beat dave night after night? the red states even run the neilsons? say it aint so.

why is it that the same biker chicks come over to my front porch nearly every day at midnight and ask if they can borrow a cup of sugar which is their little inside joke for wanna smoke a bowl neighbor and how is it that i refuse each night and they dont get the hint. are their leather bikini tops tied too tightly? do you think deep down they really do want some sugar?

im going to the cubs game again tonight. tonight is wednesday. thursday i have a job interview across town. i have no idea what to wear. the woman very politely said no need to dress up, we’re a casual company so you dont need to dress up for the interview. but what does that mean for a man who could very easilly dismiss the instructions and wear a suit anyway but who wont. even though sometimes its easier just to wear a shirt and tie and say fuckit.

when i was at webtv the receptionist had a basket for all visitors who wore ties. they were invited, firmly, to remove their ties and place em into the wicker basket. if they wished to do so, they could retrieve them after their meeting. most did. ties arent cheap. especially back then when a tank of gas cost a buck and a quarter and we were all like wtf.

i bought a tie the day after i was let go. its blue with white polka dots. i had an imaginary conversation with it when i brought it home. it went along the lines of

hi loser

hi

what are you doing in my house?

what are you doing home?

i asked you first.

i dont have to say shit without my lawyer.

fuck you tie.

fuck you tony.

im gonna throw you in the fireplace.

im going to strangle you when youre asleep.

i wish you could, tie.

i wish i could too tony.

things have gotten a little better since then. ive gotten to sleep in a lot. ive gotten to update this blog a little more than normal. ive gotten to get my priorities together.

but it’s funny, almost everyone is advising me to not take this job working with karisa on the cool part of town during the summer. nearly everyone is telling me to stay at home at drink and write and write and write and see what can be said about one last gasp of freedom. one last perfect summer.

and as you know ive been known to date a virgin or two and one thing the virgins all have in common is they listen to their mommas.

and my momma would have my ass if i didnt go to this interview on thursday. even if i know they probably dont have what i need most. which is a company car, and the freedom to work at least one day a week from home. ridiculous request indeed. but my whole life has been one ridiculous front row seat of coolness after another.

except for most of may 2005 which sucked and im glad its gone.

and now over to david lynch with the weather

more dodger game pics here + and from mc brown + and from basart

one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.

And so my truth is that I am a gay American. And I am blessed to live in the greatest nation with the tradition of civil liberties, the greatest tradition of civil liberties in the world, in a country which provides so much to its people.

Today a man put a long shaft up my anus.

I walked into a building and allowed the man to do it.

I closed my eyes and grunted. He said to take deep long breaths and try to relax.

On the tip of the shaft was a tiny camera. It was a video camera with a fish eye lens. It looked just like a Beastie Boys music video except instead of seeing the three bad brothers we love so well we saw my hairy ass cheeks and then my puckered exit which became an entrance and now im gay.

It didnt end there though, friends. That was just the begining. The shaft went up in me and through my colon. Even though I had earlier been given an emema(!) the camera reported debris in my system. It didnt look like any debris I’d ever seen come out of me. It was green and looked like cottage cheese. Apparently next to the camera there was a vaccuum or something and soon the shot was clear.

Ah yes you have very healthy tissue, my doctor said.

It was the famous Goatsx shot over and over and over as the camera delved deeper into my virgin territory. A lot of it wasnt bad but sometimes the doc wanted to take some twists and turns that made life unbearable. Someone later said that I could have been on “drugs” aka nitrous oxide, but no one told me that beforehand. All they repeatedly asked was “who’s taking you home?”

I live very close, I will be walking home.

Which I did. yes i did. my first walk as a gay american.

yes i still love women, but i just did the gayest thing i could imagine. if my friends that i grew up with saw what i did theyd point and call me what i am, a limp wristed girlieman.

i predict my apartment will get tidier and i will have dust ruffles around my bedside soon.

the parade of cheerleaders will dry up and replaced by a congaline of male cheerleaders.

tom cruise will be jumping on my couch any day now.

i miss my former heterosexual self and life, but now that im gay, i feel taller, somehow and more superior for some reason that i cant explain.

the doctor’s parting advice? drink more water and your ass wont have any more troubles.

there was a fire at a highrise at sunset and vine today. some people used to think that that “abandonded” building was the secret hq of the xbi. those people would be half right. it was the secret hq, but it hasnt been for a very long time. so now everyone can stop calling me to find out if im ok.

im fine. but i’ll be shopping at trader joe’s more and joining a gym.

curtis + man descending + zulieka + serenity now + hospital pics

Bush Calls Human Rights Report ‘Absurd’

May 31, 11:21 AM (ET)

By TERENCE HUNT

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Bush called a human rights report “absurd” for criticizing the United States’ detention of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and said Tuesday the allegations were made by “people who hate America.”

“It’s absurd. It’s an absurd allegation. The United States is a country that promotes freedom around the world,” Bush said of the Amnesty International report that compared Guantanamo to a Soviet-era gulag.

In a Rose Garden news conference, Bush defiantly stood by his domestic policy agenda while defending his actions abroad. With the death toll climbing daily in Iraq, he said that nation’s fledging government is “plenty capable” of defeating terrorists whose attacks on Iraqi civilians and U.S. soldiers have intensified.

Bush spoke after separate air crashes killed four American and four Italian troops in Iraq. The governor of Anbar province, taken hostage three weeks ago, was killed during clashes between U.S. forces and the insurgents who abducted him.

Bush said the job of the U.S. forces there is to help train Iraqis to defeat terrorists.

“I think the Iraqi people dealt the insurgents a serious blow when we had the elections,” Bush said. “In other words, what the insurgents fear is democracy because democracy is the opposition of their vision.”

On another foreign policy issue, Bush said he expressed concerns with Russian President Vladimir Putin about legal proceedings against former oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Once the richest man in Russia, Khodorkovsky was convicted Tuesday of fraud and tax evasion and sentenced to nine years in prison following a trail widely denounced as politically motivated.

Bush did not comment directly on the verdict, but said, “it looked like he had been judged guilty prior to having a fair trial.”

The president said he has questioned whether the case shows a backsliding away from the rule of law and democracy in Russia and said it will “be interesting to see” how Khodorkovsky’s expected appeal is handled by the government.

“Here, you’re innocent until proven guilty and it appeared to us, at least people in my administration, that it looked like he had been ajudged guilty prior to having a fair trial,” Bush said. “We’re watching the ongoing case.”

okrent vs krugman + anti + matt good + jenny good

is ass awareness month here on the busblog and since the month is nearly over, heres your ass update.

the doctor called at nine am this morning. murphys law since i didnt get to sleep till five am. four hours is perfect. thats all a man needs.

he says, drink four tablespoons of milk of magnesium and get an enema kit.

he says, have you eaten anything yet? good. just liquids.

i was all, so you want me to drink the milk of magnesia and do the enema?

he was all, drink the magnesium and we’ll do the enema here.

dont get old, kids.

i was all, ok, i’ll be there at two pm.

he was all, how about one pm.

i was like fine, one pm.

ive said it before i’ll say it again everythings negotiable in hollywood. ask the virgins.

so i went outside and walked over to the mom and pop mini market. its not a real mini market. you can tell it was never intended to be a mini market.

a dude was sitting on a metal chair. he had a hat on. you never know if theyre filming anything here or youre being punk’d but you just play along.

i went in there circled around the row and asked the chair guy, do you have any milk of magnesia. he pointed. all they had was a huge container that looked like a quart of oil. ten bucks the cashier dude told me. plus tax. he was on the phone. pinatas hanging right above him.

and i got home and unwrapped it. a little cup was in there that seemed way more than four tablespoons. and i drank it and it was gross and i thought pretend youre on survivor. swallow it and stick your tounge out at jeff probst.

all of this so a guy can stick a camera up my ass.

so far my memory has failed me nearly twice. im such a creature of habit ive already put a bagel in the toaster and poured cereal into a bowl completely forgetting that i cant eat anything.

the first time i had to drink something like this was when i had a kidney stone and after it passed the doc made me drink some crappy crap and the next day he was going to make me drink a fluid which would show up in an xray. for some reason i thought the laxitive was going to make me uncontrolably xpell. is this gross enough for you. but it didnt and in a strange way i was somewhat disappointed. all it did was churn my stomach like i had eaten an old bowl of tom kha kai soup.

and with that we conclude ass month

rabbit blog + gorilla mask + buy me some peanuts

a film, and an encore

but with each day i find myself finding new things to procrastinate on. last night i procrastinating on showering and i didnt shower till midnight. then i procrastinated getting out of the shower.

its almost like im milking every little thing to the last drop because soon im going to be back on the chaingang and all of this freedom is going to go back to someone else. thats what work is im finding. doing shit so someone else doesnt have to. i had a telephone interview the other day and the gentleman asked me my salary range and i totally copped out. its so automatic. and then i was thinking, what is the price of my freedom? and whats the value of my contribution.

at this one place im pretty sure id be a pretty valueable asset. ive done this sort of work a LOT for way bigger places under tough situations and budgets and travel and ignorance and politics and blah blah blah, id be good for them.

but who knows what Stiff might do out there. if i sold a few hundred more than how to blog i could take the whole summer off. thats pretty good for someone who really isnt an a-list blogger. for someone who cant sell blogads even at deep discounted rates.

so the question is would you pass on a perfectly good job for a good company at the right salary at a job that youre actually qualified for, and could probably kick ass at

or would you take the summer off and live life in la for three months and maybe work on a nonfiction book. maybe. but probably just wasting time. probably not writing anything. probably wasting the whole summer away on occasional bus rides to the beach and late late nights maybe working on web site crap. and possibly kissing girls. possibly ruling worlds.

now im procrastinating the hot chick baseball date by writing this. and the only reason i am writing this is so that miss canada can get her proper due before the pagent tonight on i think nbc. miss usa shouldnt even be in the finals. neither should miss japan. thats all i know.

one thing that im not procrastinating on is Stiff, the kurt kobain stories, as reported by blogebrity. i have no idea if anyone wants to read those stories again in book form, especially so soon after posting them for free on here.

but ive edited every one. i rewrote some of it, changed a few things around. basically cleaned it up. you read all the time how certain editors will rip apart a story down the the bones and rebuild it. i cant say that ive gone that far, but i took out some chunks, i analyzed every word of every line and nothing was sacred.

thats the freedom of looking at your work as a blog post, first and foremost. who the hell can get attatched to something as fleeting as a blogpost?

my mom asked me the other day if i thought that bloggers read fewer books, or if people who read blogs read fewer books, and i said that i think blogger and readers of blogs love books and love reading and love information of all sorts of sources which is why theyve gravitated so easily to this new medium.

of course it took me a half hour to say it cuz im lame.

im going to take another shower on the off chance that i get lucky tonight.

go cubs!

bloggity news is on to me + pony in the air + chase me ladies