but to me they were.

i first met miss spain universe, mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar’a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed

country

and i said

si.

she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

si.

she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the dunkin donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

and i tilted my head to the exito

and she said si.

and we vamoosed into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

last night when the newly crowned winner, 18 yr old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza fainted when she found out that i no longer date teenagers.

what she didnt know is i make exceptions for miss universes.

things to do today? i need to pay off these parking tickets.

i need to go to home depot to get two hooks for my whiteboard calendar.

and i need to get a nice roll of garbage bags at the 99 cent store.

isnt my life exciting? i think i may faint.

ten bucks she didnt faint because she was nervous and excited and the lights were hot and this city is hot and miss universe is hot,

but she fainted because she hasnt eaten in a week, shes on diet pills, and she snorts speed off the ass cheeks of virgins.

some nice fan sent me a Taschen book of all these olde fashioned sex pictures. like from the 1400s-1800s. and something that i noticed is even in their illustrations and paintings, the most desireable women were the curvy ones.

there are no skinny girls in the erotic images of old.

or very few, i should say, nitpickers.

for the record i thought miss trinadad was hot, i also liked miss japan, and miss denmark.

im glad miss usa didnt win, she was a ditz, and i was quite surprised how Latin the whole show was, obviously pandering to the 28 Latin countries who were being represented.

i also think the top ten was hotter than the top five.

i blame tom green who was one of the judges.

i told them that i wanted to cover them every day

i dont think they believed me

bangkock, thailand
nbc

yes i called it. yes im amazing. yes its a little creepy.

the dazzling blue eyes of miss canada triumphed over a latin onslaught of beauty and curves and va va voom to become miss universe 2005.

in what might have been the first all-brunette and all-american (north, central, south) final, toronto’s Natalie Glebova is officially the hottest chick of the week.

the 5’11” goddess had stiff competition as all of the finalists were quite adept at looking smokin in a dress, looking glamorous in a completely unflattering bikini, looking devistating in an evening gown, and being able to walk fast and spin in heels on a ramp, down stairs, and across a shiny stage.

did miss glebova answer the final question all that well? nah. but her eyes made you crumble at her feet and she didnt fuck up and she had that lil something special that made you say got damn.

the evening gown competition easilly went to miss venuzuela whose every curves were savored by the dress that seemed to be made especially for her. but when it came to questiontime she froze up and stood there like a dope. even in the forgiving nation of thailand thats unforgiveable.

miss canada won on my ballot in the swimsuit competition. she was graceful smooth while she walked across the stage, she seemed confident and her body said mama mia with french accent.

even though the judges selected miss puerto rico to be the runner up, i would have chosen miss mexico, but i was distracted with my own swimsuit modeling happening in front of my tv as my baseball date became obsessed with showing me how each of the girls were walking incorrectly

particularily miss usa who seemed equal parts drunk and retarded.

almost like her ben-wah balls had broken free and she was trying to keep them in their place.

miss usa was an embarrassment and obviously the only reason she made it to the top 10 was for ratings which is sad because miss thailand, who won the costume portion of the competition, was very appealing in my household.

i was very happy with the presentation of the competition. i was particularily pleased that they didnt bother us with any scores, tallys, or soap stars on director chairs in the audience to throw it back to the ever-annoying billy bush who seemed to want to start a fight with the dominican congregation and the slurry mcslurette nancy o’dell who filled in miserably for miss daisy fuentes who co-hosted last year with bush. yes its gay that i remembered that.

heres what needs to change next year. the bikinis have to go. i dont know what nbc is trying to do with those bikinis but theyre horrible. are they trying to protect us from clevage or nipples? i think they must be. but when 2004 miss universe, the aussie babe whose dress accidentally fell off last year in a mall, when she came out to put the crown on miss canada, it was obvious that nipples were a-ok on the program.

so please, someone, make a bikini that looks like a real bikini and not whatever that was that you put on those hot babes.

meanwhile, bravo canada, your chickie didnt fall and she looked real good walking around like she did. thus ends our special coverage of the miss universe pagent. who knows maybe next year they’ll invite a blogger to cover it live.

return to the busblog for more hot ladies

someone would have the nerve to come up in here and say yeah i havent been through here in a long time, but can you change everything that youre doing?

apparently im not giving the instapundit enough shit.

which is true, but thats not what we do over here. im not my pundits keeper. im not interested in shooting fish in a barrel, im not ready to sell out to the lowest common denomenator of pointing fingers and saying HA youre wrong again! i know thats what gets hits. i know thats one reason why glenn is number one in some lists and number two in others and why the daily kos is one or two on those same lists.

but thats not my thing.

dont you see how its effecting our bro matt good?

why would i want to sully myself in the mudslinging and misrepresentation of a segment of the blogosphere who will seriously split hairs down to debating about whether newsweek was wrong in saying that a military investigation has revealed that there was koran abuse in a prison or that it was simply just an inside military individual who admitted to the flushing of the muslim good book

when the bigger picture is America in 2005 is in the torture business

and our tax dollars are supporting it

and our president is supporting it

and far as i can tell the right wing bloggers want to turn a blind eye to it.

and you know what, let em. fuck em. think i would hang out with any of them if we all lived on the same block? then why on earth would i pay attention to their good ole boy network of neuveux dittohead bullshit?

didnt the last election teach us that all the blogs in the world will not make an iota of difference in jesusland. didnt 2004 teach us that you could make a film as great as F 9/11 and it can make $100 mil and tell an important story in american history but there will be enough naysayers to say “shutup hippie quit being fat” and the goobers and the greedy will hold hands and bum rush the show again and again and again.

those are not the stories i want to report upon.

as joe strummer and mick jones said the other day:

They offered me the office, offered me the shop,
They said I’d better take anything they’ve got.
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?

i really dont wanna be a cop. and a cop is someone who says oh you fucked up, look at how you fucked up, look at how wrong you are, look at where your lack of education and your bad choices have led you, heres where you went wrong. and of course this is the right way to do things.

instapundit has his thing, kos has his. they seem very happy in their world and theyre successful business men reaping hefty rewards doing what they do. i am not in the slightest bit interested in any of that.

you may see me from time to time comment on this thing or that thing but dont get used to it and certainly dont expect it.

what the busblog will continue to do is write about me, LA, the hotties, miss universe, television, the wonderful world of blogging, and rock music. the cubs are breaking my heart but they may get a few keystrokes as well.

i am sure that you can find other blogs in the blogosphere who will happilly continue to write about how wrong guys like the good professor are, and if youre not aware of them, here are a few

oliver willis + wonkette + crooks and liars

mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar [who play tonight in Downey].

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar’a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed

country

and i said

si.

she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

si.

she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

i tilted my head toward the exito and raised an eyebrow

she smiled si si.

we escaped into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

– originally posted may 24, 2004

guinness and poker + leah + anti + the hun

moxie who knows a thing or two about floating in a hotel pool and this morning she emailed me and said that if i wanted to swim with her and her girlfriends that wednesday would be the day and i was all why not today what else you girls have to do and she was all we have to tone up.

these are the skinniest girls youve ever met, america. skinniest.

some people think the biggest problems in america is the fact that the republicans are gangbanging the consititution or that we’ve caused such a disturbance in iraq that the secretary of state cant even make a secret trip to baghdad without car bombs exploding or handcuffed executed men being found in the ghettos, or the fact that newsweek reported that us interrogators flushed the koran down a toilet in guantanemo bay in a way to torture afghan prisoners and people started rioting thousands of miles away in the middle east even though this shit has been going on for years.

no the biggest problem facing america is the fact that everyone thinks theyre fat and no one can enjoy eating and walking around and laying out poolside and getting naked on my coffee table without being selfconsious.

im all just dance bitch clearing room for her and threatening to go up there and shwo her how its done.

a man should be able to sit in his layzboy pack a bowl and crack open two miller high lifes and put together a funky little playlist on his itunes without having to tell the ho that she isnt fat eightyfive times. im going to start writing down what lines work and what lines dont because there is a combination

oh you get the hottest girls in la up in here i cant show you my legs.

come on baby you know i have no memory, plus nothing in there is true, im actually a thirty year old virgin, you know those who always talk about it never get it.

youre getting it now

am i?

dont stop, get it, get it
we are your captains in it
steady,
watch me navigate,
ahahahahahhaa.

then after they cover up, then when they go to the hot tub they cover up, then when they walk across the yard to answer the bell from the case of mgd being delivered by pink dot they cover up and i say baby i swear if i was a chick and i had the shit that youve got and some delivery dude was bringing me beer id let him have an eyefull, you dont know men, that would make a mans day.

you dont know women she tells me and its true and im laying there with a gut and this year is the first year ive ever thought twice about taking my shirt off at a pool but shit after what she and i went through who am i kidding

im going to eat cheese on my burgers, im going to have mayo on it, im going to drink regular coke when i want regular coke and its summer if i want ice cream at two am in long beach im going to have a fucking ice cream from a roach coach in long beach.

people are blowing themselves up allegedly because of a magazine that most of these, and this is not a slur its the truth, illiterate fanatics who seem to have run out of reasons to suicide each other

and these fingerpolishing size four hawaiians are convinced that theyre fat.

and as soon as she returns im pitching a tent under my beach towel and i say baby let me show you the difference between what is fat and what is not fat.

and when she comes back with the bowl of pretzels im gonna see if she’ll play a lil game of marco polo with me.

slightly modified.

kitty bukkake + just a girl + sk smith + jenny lee

mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar’a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed

country

and i said

si.

she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

si.

she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl

in all the world

i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know

how much i weigh in pounds

she doesnt care

that im 108, 108 years oooooold

oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love

as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities

and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

and i tilted my head to the exito

and she said si.

and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

dot floofy + bloopy + dougie gyro

hi tony pierce.

i want you, miss china.

i want you too, tony pierce.

what are you going to do if you win miss universe, miss china.

im going to wrap my arms around you, tony pierce, and give you a big juicy kiss.

are you a good kisser, miss china?

thats what my girlfriend tells me.

well, hmmm, well, i didnt know.

you didnt ask.

but you would kiss me?

mmmm definately.

what else would you do if you got miss universe?

travel around and spend money.

you wouldnt help promote world peace?

people with guns and bombs dont listen to beauty queens, tony.

maybe they would if you kissed them first.

fine, i’ll kiss people with guns and bombs then.

are you a good cook, miss china?

yes i am as a matter of fact.

whats the dish that you like to cook the most?

probably waffles.

theyve got waffles in china?

we’ve got lots of things in china that you wouldnt expect.

yeah, like what?

like the new Tsar record.

but it hasnt been recorded yet.

yes it has, it just hasnt been mixed yet, sillyhead.

so you have the new Tsar record, unmixed?

yep, it’s great, comes free with Windows XTP.

what’s Windows XTP?

the second version of Windows XP.

whats the T stand for?

Tony.

you’re pretty hot, miss china.

you’re not so bad yourself, tony.

you know im not a judge, right.

youre not a judge?

no.

then what are you?

im just a blogger.

oh.

yeah.

oh.

so does this mean the interview is over?

pretty much.

can i have your number then?

sure, just answer one of my questions.

k.

whats my name?

no fair asking hard questions, miss china.

rishi + encantada + that broken girl