Category Archives: Uncategorized

it’s never the hard things that are hard

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video games teaches us this.

it’s never the big burly boss at the end of a level that you have to beat that makes you lose all your guys

it’s the minutiae, the little turtles popping up along your journey, the quick spiders that fall on you, the little bits of lava that you don’t pay that much attention to as you run and jump and swing

PAY ATTENTION TO THE LAVA

video games are trying so hard to teach us how life is and we are always trying to stop kids from playing them. it’s crazy.

no, junior, you cannot play this game on the easy level forever. at some point you need to up the ante. you have to learn new tricks, you have to read the book that came with it AND the books that outsiders wrote. and yes, virginia, in order to win at video games, as with life you have to try new things, alllllll the time.

will you die trying them? yes. but you will also die not trying them.

video games teaches us so much about death. way more than war movies or the bible or classic paintings. if you play Donkey Kong, for example, the average game lasts less than 3 minutes. so basically you are dying once every minute.

even when you “win” at Donkey Kong (level 22), you don’t win, you die 7 seconds into the level because of “an integer overflow in its time/bonus. The game takes the level number a user is on, multiplies it by 10 and adds 40. When you reach level 22, the time/bonus number is 260, which is too large for its 8-bit 256 value register, so it resets itself to 0 and gives the remaining 4 as the time/bonus – which too short to finish the level.”

just like Life, when you have accomplished all the things you have been told you have to achieve, they still figure out a way to kill you.

a valuable lesson that life if fleeting. die with your boots on. and life is about the journey not the destination.

it’s never the hard things that are hard. it’s the getting there.

heres how you make me so happy

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let me drive into the desert after a close Bears game

with you.

lets stop off at Trader Joes for everything that’ll fit in a mini fridge.

it’s almost 5pm? maybe we can get into a 5pm mass after we check in.

because amber works where she does and its connected to this resort, we only have to pay a fraction of the downright reasonable $400 a night stay in whats called a Starlight Castilla.

it’s called that because it’s everything a regular room gets you, plus you have your own staircase that leads to a private outdoor deck that includes a cool couch and even cooler outdoor fireplace.

inside the room is plush, a second fireplace is next to the tv. french windows, carpet, flat screen tv, tile bathroom with a separate shower and bath tub.

outside there are 41 pools and 41 hot tubs. some bigger than others. each just a little stroll away, so lets say a beautiful young woman with tattoos and a frosty margarita slides into your late night dip, you can escape to a nearby empty hot tub because it’s Sunday, not Sinday, Becky.

there are many magical things about the desert. the heat is calming, the wind plays with the fronds of the palm trees, the sky is unblemished blue and then black at night. the stars come out one after another to say happy birthday.

even the lobby of the La Quina Resort smells otherworldly yet somehow familiar. we heard bad things about the mexican restaurant and since neither of us were interested in $20 drinks, we drove and drove towards Palm Springs proper looking for dinner.

thai? maybe, but we live in Thai Town, Chinese? maybe. italian? sure. and as we were at one of the super long stop lights i turned to amber and said, i could go for anything, even a Red Lobster.

we laughed. she put Red Lobster into Waze and it was a block away. so we went for it. endless shrimp? endless yes!

amber is like me, down for pretty much whatever. especially if it is cheesy and probably not the things you “should” do on you 199th birthday. we ate four different kinds of shrimp (regular was the best), devoured those biscuits, ordered sides of broccoli and mashed potatoes, drank pop like kids and ducked out before they could surprise me with a desert and a song.

amber: but but

me: xbi can’t have his spot blown up like that

amber: but

drove home, the hotel had delivered a nice box of chocolate covered pretzels. the hot tubs were used. the deck was used. the fireplace was turned on and janes addiction’s three days oozed from my wireless speaker. we fell asleep to the grateful dead. gratefully.

in the morning we packed and said hi to Coachella, which was surprisingly open, so amber rolled around in the grass and told me the sad tale of when she was last there.

we drove down the freeway back to LA but were starving and i saw these billboards for a vegas style buffet at a nearby casino.

almost went to in n out but amber loves salad and the good thing about buffets are their salad bars.

first we stopped off at the dinosaurs from Pee Wees Big Adventure and went into the brontosaurus gift shop and got some gifts.

then at the casino we met a woman with a tiara that said “it’s my birthday!” i approached her and her daughters (?) and said it’s MY birthday! they said, “she’s 90 today!” i said but IM 90 today!

we took a picture. she was so tiny it was awesome and she did not look 90 at all. so full of life. such a good sign. proof that one should hang out more in casinos. i mean in the desert. i mean with loved ones.

and people who understand the value of subtleties

and down to earth strangers.

i think that resort is my new favorite.

the lottery is now $1.6 billion

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i’ll probably win. that’s cool. because i have a plan.

odds are i’ll only get $800 million of that (because i’m black), which is fine.

i bet i could work out a deal with a bank that if i gave them my $800 mil they’d not only make me a bank vice president (my secret wish), but they’d give me 5% interest on that chunk.

that means if i don’t touch it, ever, i would make $40 million a year, forever.

of that $40 mil i bet i could, if i budget correctly, live off $20 mil, and make 20 people a year millionaires for as long as i live. and *still* have $800 mil in the bank.

so who would i make millionaires? well the first year, fam and ex girlfriends, of course.

the next, public school teachers.

next, social workers. next firemen.

like that.

why i love people

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i have had a good life. i blame my mom.

she taught me early on not to be afraid of strangers.

when i was little she used to say, “say thank you to that man.” or “i better hear you say ‘Excuse me’ to that lady you just bumped in to.”

these last few weeks i have been talking to strangers which might be my favorite thing of all. i am completely fascinated with people’s stories, how they became who they are.

but i also love to hear them talk. like what words they use. what details they find interesting in a story. and best of all, what they try to hide from me.

i am always surprised. i try to be honest with them. my car license plate says XBI, which most people know means that we can read your mind or know when you’re lying. even if youre wearing sunglasses. even if youre french. naturally everyone lies, but sometimes you’re sitting there and you wonder, why are they bullshitting me on this? no one cares about this. why this?

i once had a supervisor, when i was young and asked this. he said the best thing. “when you listen to hard rock, particularily a guitar solo, theres all this distortion all around the notes. thats what these little lies are. atmosphere. flourish. a frame. don’t let it throw you.”

i know people are scared. i know trust is a bitch for a lot of people. im sure i would be freaked out by the world a lot more if i didnt have super powers. but isnt that what religion is supposed to do for people? isn’t that what experience is supposed to bring you: trust that a + b = c?

and yet the people who exhibit trust the most when i talk to them are kids. the ones who have zero experience, zero power, zero reason to believe. yet they do. with me at least.

this week i have talked with a lot of interesting people. yesterday for four hours on venice beach as pretty girls and freaks paraded past us. i will be forever grateful of the experiences that i have had and i will continue to use that to fight evil and reflect goodness.

and the best way i can do that is to never bullshit you. ever. even when the going gets tough.

when will it get better

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when will we get there

when will they trust us

when will they talk to us

when will it get better

what did i do wrong

who did i diss

every kid is told ‘be yourself’

so when i am myself the world implodes

maybe it needs an implosion

maybe it was gonna implode anyways

maybe none of this has to do with me

maybe nothing has to do with us

the good book does not promise that it will get better

ive been reading Job, who was truly blameless and still he got warts all over his body and face, his family died, his crops withered and his animals were stolen and when he asked his friends wtf is happening why does God hate me

what have i done?

his friends answered with maybe you fucked up, maybe you are whining too much right now, maybe you shouldnt question things

when all along Job had every right to question and fret and be sad with his boils on his face and back and nose and balls and trust me, everywhere

maybe in the whole wide world Job was the one person who had the right to say, i used to be God’s favorite and now im enemy number one, yet i was exactly the same Job as before.

i love the bible because it confirms that life is the craziest bowl of WTF of all.

and doesnt make sense

and probably has nothing to do with you.

or me

and God doesnt hate any of us.

amen.

heres what will happen if you always keep it real

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you will run into people who do not always keep it real.

and the assumption is you are at a disadvantage.

because say you’re playing poker and they are holding some extra cards in their lap

arent you going to “lose” if you play by the rules, honestly?

yes, but life is not poker. and people who do not keep it real should be respected right alongside people like you who are doing your best to be open and honest and transparent and idealistic and creative and brave.

eventually what will happen is you will help them out of their defensive stance of occasional bullshit. but it can only happen if you do not fall for bad practices or get distracted.

i once dated a girl who lied all the time and i was like baby what? and she was all what do you mean what. and i said im gonna tell you what, i know that this is the game people play most of the time, but that game is old and dumb and it leads to half of marriages ending in divorce and everyone cheating and kids growing up screwed up. this is just you and me. lets do it the right way. lets trust each other and talk to each other and if you feel the urge to fucking lie like a little kid then fight that urge and just omg talk to me about it and see what happens.

and she instantly cheated on me and i cheated on her right back and we both felt terrible about it and broke up.

but then years later she said i dont lie any more. because of you. i dont cheat on anyone. because of you. no one else taught me these things and i am so much better for it now.

if it is a game, the game is long and the ones who “win” are the brave who excel at the fundamentals: trust, honest communication, and the desire for all of the parties to collect as many points as possible.

always keep it real. it’s easier that way.

she’s all, you are not ashamed of anything?

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i said the only thing i feel constantly guilty of,

shame isnt the word id call it,

is this blog.

this humble collection of zeros and ones floating around in the cyber space.

i said, i wish i spent more time on it, with it, through it,

pushing things, pulling things, stretching, revealing

i wish i was able to create some of the beginnings of magic i used to be able to spark back in the day, the years before punk broke.

there was a time i wouldnt have been happy only posting twice a day, let alone take whole days off

or two.

when i was young and dumb(er) and riding the bus every day i truly felt invincible

that because i had nothing, really nothing, what could you take from me.

so my girlfriend at the time took my hair.

shaved it right off.

put it in a bag and sold it to chokey chicken.

then my bad job took my bad job.

and then all these really good things happened. because of the sacrifice? yes. because of the growth? yes.

yes to all of it.

add some heat and funky fertilizer and water that shit every day and something new will happen.

so the question is, am i ready for new. newer than new. is this the new? is this the thing?

maybe its just the fertilizer.

maybe it’s time to bring the heat.

oh let the sun beat down upon my face

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Here’s what I think about National Coming Out Day

I have had gay co-workers, teachers, bosses, and friends.

On average they treated me with respect and taught me some great lessons.

I’ve heard that 10% of the population is gay.

If that’s true, I’ll say this: I wish more were, because the ones I know are fantastic and I’m grateful that they were (and are) in my life.

Now about the Bible, which I also love, which I think confuses casual readers regarding this topic.

While it’s true that early in the book there are references to this and that,

later in the book comes a man named Jesus.

And after Jesus has experienced life on Earth as a real man, He said this, he said

I have a New Commandment: love one another, like I’ve loved you.

And since Jesus was not homophobic, I think, like with most good books,

we should pay more attention to how it ends than how it begins.

Because it is in mimicking the growth of others to the light

that we become enlightened.

RIP Sears

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the first job i had after college graduation was Sears.

a bunch of my friends had moved to Prague to start and English language newspaper, drink 50 cent beers, play guitar on the Charles Bridge, and make out with european tourists

and i was at the La Cumbre Plaza in Santa Barbara getting scolded for not selling enough extended warrantees on console Zenith tvs and cheap-ass no-name vcrs

they were wearing tshirts and flannels, playing pool and getting interviewed by CNN and i was wearing dress shirts and ties making so much money by noon that i would go fishing at Goleta Pier on my lunch breaks and calling in to my boss to see if i could take the rest of the day off.

commission sales had been something i excelled at in junior college, post-college at Sears was even easier, but dull and depressing. i found myself yelling at customers who said they were gonna go to the nearby Circuit City to see how our prices compared to theirs. i told them what the price was and i told them if they didnt trust me on a stupid tv then i didnt want their business, that they shouldnt come back once they learned that i wasn’t bullshitting them.

they came back and i only got angrier. my boss, who wasn’t a bad guy at all, suggested i take a vacation because even though i was tops in our department, it was obvious i was going crazy. “you fish ALL the time!”

and i dont catch nothing. thats why i love it.

i didnt mind working at Sears because i knew there was no future there. i didnt want my boss’s job. i didnt wanna run the store. back then i had the most creative imagination and yet i had zero ideas of how to get people into Sears. the only thing we had going for us back then was the Sears card and people’s memories of how things *used* to be.

and yet i saw people get busted for stealing every week. the best was this dude in a wheelchair. he had a blanket over his lap and sunglasses. and he went to one of our rows that had shitty cassette players, like Walkmans. except they werent by Sony. Fakemans we called them. fucker grabbed a bunch, tucked them under his blanket and rolled down to hardware.

as soon as he grabbed enough he scooted out to the parking lot, our security guy ran down from whereever, grabbed him and rolled him back into the store.

that weird, sad moment at the santa barbara sears was my favorite moment.

that, and the advice i got from my boss one day when he came in looking a little worn out from drinking the night before.

tony, heres the thing about hangovers: the longer the day goes, the better you feel.

nothing else is like that.

i disagreed but i liked his optimism.

he ended up canning me and my next job was working for Magnavox training salespeople, and his store was the first one i visited.

have i told you that amber loves lady gaga? it’s true

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but something has happened and she has fallen out of love with her.

and it troubles me because amber stood in the front row for like 5 hours at coachella enduring all these other acts so when her girl took the stage she would be right. there.

so if she could fall outta love with her, what does that mean for me? sure i can play the piano and dance in 8 inch stilettos but i cant really hit those high notes any more.

turns out bradley cooper and gaga are in a movie. not far from my house. and since amber often finds herself here there and everywhere on her days off, to see her come home at a reasonable hour today, and since i had crossed off everything on my to do list (people actually wrote me back today and said yes, one after another after another), i was all, let me take you to a romantico italian early dinner

and she said yes too. then we walked over to the vista and saw the movie. what a theater, but remind me to stop buying popcorn, i never eat more than a handful.

tonight i found the only thing i dont like about my favorite movie theater. i like to hold hands. if youre my girl, im touchy feely. so i will hold your hand through the entire two hour deal. unless you have a tight, short dress, and then i’ll have my hand on your leg like a creepy congressman.

most theaters have those arm rests that you can pull up and get extra close. not the vista, the best theater in all hollywood. they are locked in. so you have to maneuver in such a way. like what they do to homeless guys who are just trying to sleep on a park bench. i just want to feel my girls thigh – is that asking too much?

gaga sang her tushy off and bradley did a passable kris kristopherson – that low, rumbling, slurring voice coming out of that fuzzy beard. we didnt realize till the end that he had directed it too and i gotta say, hats off there. but to me, and maybe because ive seen every rock movie, fact and fiction, and this one insisted on all the cliches. its shocking to me that it has a 93% positive rating on rotten tomatoes. but story aside, they both acted well together, shes a damn natural. and he is obviously winning people over.

high marks to andrew dice clay and dave chappelle. dice can really act, but he was mis-cast here.

every time it was gaga on screen though, she owned it. very impressive. solid b.