the second rule is don’t ever pick up Uber Express Pool.

these are the short-sided mantras left by inexperienced but extremely vocal drivers on Facebook Uber groups.

any time someone posts a screenshot of a ride and it says Pool, or heaven forbid Express Pool, the overnight know-it-alls type brilliant things like Pools are for Fools.

then they call each other Ants as a slur for dutifully picking up all rides for low pay.

the truth however is more subtle. like in most things.

hidden among the not-so-small print of the Pool Rules is if you pick up Rider A and it’s surging at 2.0x, then you will get a double fare for all the riders you pick up in that pool.

So when i saw there was an express pool request coming out of CAA in Century City, I figured this fool wants to go to LAX super cheap, and I will be able to get a ride *from* LAX at 2x.

or at least that would be a possibility that I would hope for.

what i got was actually better.

i picked up a very attractive young lady who turned out to be Molly Bloom’s lawyer. Bloom of course is the writer of Molly’s Game, one of my top 4 favorite films of last year.

Mollys Game / Star Wars / Lady Bird / Florida Project

she was headed to meet with Molly at a fashion designer’s daughter’s mansion atop a Beverly Hills hill.

as we drove to the gated community she told me that she helped co-write certain aspects of the script with Aaron Sorkin.

was that totally intimidating? i asked her of working with the lauded writer of the West Wing, Moneyball, Sports Night, and others.

no, he was all ears and a total pro, she said.

the thing about Uber is no one is going to get rich except Uber. the drivers will spend hours and hours and eventually wear their cars down to the nub, so the question is: did you learn anything, did you meet cool people, did you see cool things, and was it worth your money?

when you get to spend 20 minutes with someone super interesting who can answer all of your little questions about one of your favorite films, that’s priceless to me.

Me: OK in the film the poker games were at the Four Seasons on Doheny. Is that where they were?

Her: At first they were at the Viper Room and when they got bigger we took them over to the Peninsula.

Me: Was Michael Cera’s character really Tobey Maguire?

Her: Yes.

Me: Why not just use Tobey Maguire?

Her: [Redacted]

Friday after work I got a 2x surge of these two Japanese girls from Beverly Hills to Newport Beach. I ended up with $129. Everything evens out.

if i was a bad person i would have recorded their conversation and transcribed it here for you because it was really fascinating.

but i am a good person. sorta.

they were talking about all these tv deals that they were making and wanted to make.

they were talking about all these women and how powerful they were.

and how powerful they are going to be when they finalize these deals.

all of that was typical Hollywood blah blah blah and i was thinking to myself boring

but then they got bored with that, it was a long ride.

then they started talking about their kids

“did you ever take yours to the Tower of Terror?”

“in Florida, yes?”

“it’s it fantastic.”

“oh man, someone at Disney gave us these passes and we went on that thing eight times. Mary loved it.”

then they talked about this carnival they went to. then Europe.

their tone was so different. so sweet.

i wanted to tell them, do business with that tone and you will rule the world.

they didn’t tip.

what if you just get tired of things after a while.

what if you just overthink things after a spell.

what if you dont wanna share with the whole wide world about your fabulous life and all the pretty girls who kiss you and all the sweet old people who ride in your back seat and

those who tell you about the time that they moved here from north dakota in 1946.

oh really, what did you do when you got here?

i worked at decca records.

holy shit, decca was the label who didnt sign the beatles so they signed the stones and the rest is history.

yep.

so tell, me, if you were here in the 40s did you ever go dancing at the Hollywood Palladium?

yep.

omg. i heard that one mr frank sinatra used to sing there with a big band and everyone would dance in pretty dresses

i’ll have you know that that very same frank sinatra kissed me on the cheek when i met him.

were his eyes as blue as legend has it?

legend cannot live up to reality — his eyes were bluer than you could ever hope for.

tell me more about decca. i love them so.

well, every two weeks, when you got your check, they would let you pick out 6 records.

which ones do you remember choosing when you first started?

guy lombardo of course!

and when i dropped her off her assistant said, she never talks to uber drivers, EVER

which was the best compliment of all