when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen

anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

i’m doing my best to be a great son.

so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

soooo beautiful!

whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

in my mind

they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

she said, there were no flowers.

and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

was all Siri, what the fuck

and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

it gets worse.

my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

is there something in there for me?

and he said, no.

worst son in the entire planet!

but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

i said i can?

she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.